KATIE
Hayden was quiet all morning, his expression somber. I was embarrassed by what had happened the night before. I had no idea why I had a breakdown, but I felt much better, fresher. I’d been sure we’d made progress on all other fronts, too, but it seemed we were right back to square one this morning.
Hayden wasn’t stiff, dismissive, or anything else he’d been when I was around him the last week. Instead, he was lost in thought.
We’d just put Cory down for a nap. I stood in the corner, leaning against the counter and watching Hayden wash dishes. I had no idea why he felt the need to do it by hand because he had a dishwasher, but I definitely wasn’t going to ask. Especially not when we had other things to talk about.
“Are you going to tell me what’s on your mind, Hay?”
Actually, I wouldn’t even mind if he told me something completely off-topic from what was going on, as long as he talked to me.
“Dealing with your tears last night…” He shook his head. “I almost couldn’t handle it,” he confessed quietly.
My heart broke. I thought he’d done well, holding and reassuring me. I hadn’t realized it had been so painful to him.
“I…” Jesus, what could I possibly say?
He grabbed the dish towel and dried his hands, then stepped up to me. “I wanted to kill someone, Katie. I was ready to storm out the door and find whomever upset you. Seeing you so hurt…” He closed his eyes and lowered his forehead to mine. “After Leah’s death, I didn’t think my heart could ache so much for someone else again, but seeing you so inconsolable nearly took my breath away.”
I had nothing, absolutely nothing to say to his declaration because it caused my heart to thud in my chest, demanding so much more than I was sure he would ever offer.
“You’re not mad I broke down?” I hadn’t even realized I’d worried about that until I’d voiced it.
He cupped my cheeks, tilting my head up. “Mad? For tears? Not at all. I’m relieved you didn’t go home to be alone. I’m glad you were here so I could help, but that doesn’t mean it didn’t get me thinking.” He dropped his hands from my face and stepped back.
“Thinking?” Why in the world did that sound so daunting, as if this were something bad?
“Yes.” He returned to his dishes, giving me a small smile.
“Okay… What did it get you thinking about?”
Another smile was his only answer. He appeared calmer than he had in days, which worried me.
“Hayden,” I whispered as he drained the sink, cleaned it, then wiped his hands on his sweatpants.
He walked up and drew me close. “Right here.”
This isn’t the kind of hug friends share, I thought. This is so much more.
I hugged him back, my heart racing in my throat. What in the world was going on?
“Losing Leah has been horrible. I feel like I’ve been torn in two. I loved her like I’d love a sister, but I cannot imagine what it would be like to lose someone I love. In fact, it made me realize I don’t know if I’ve ever loved someone in that romantic way.” He paused, then stepped back to look at me. “Seeing you hurt like that, Katie… I’ve never felt so protective, so furious…and I actually beat up people for Leah. Once an ex. Once a douche who thought he could grab her ass.”
“So you were protective of her.”
I nodded. “But not like I am with you. I don’t love you, not yet, but having you around, knowing you’ll be there… It soothes my soul…and terrifies me at the same time. I don’t think I could handle another loss.”
I swallowed hard, not sure what he was getting at. This sounded like something between a beginning and an end.
“You’re afraid of loving someone else?”
He watched me a long moment, then leaned in, kissing me in a way that made me melt right where I stood. “I’m afraid of letting someone else go.”
Turning away, he walked out of the kitchen. I had no idea what to think, to feel, but one thing rang out loud and clear. Amidst all this chaos, I was starting to fall hard for a man who was utterly broken, an enigma, clearly on his way to either salvation or utter self-destruction.
Sadly, I couldn’t tell which one it would be just yet.