Chapter Twelve
Rod pointed the Mustang back toward town, the hurricane of emotions in his chest still swirling like mad even if the most carnal part of him was put to rest. He’d taken Seraphina rough and fast, the way he’d always wanted to. He’d made her come, and so hard she’d ruined him. And then made love to her at the end, because he hadn’t been able to help himself.
For a few precious minutes, he’d tossed every problem aside, every worry, every fear, every responsibility, and let himself feel what he harbored inside. Let himself love her. She deserved to feel that.
But it couldn’t last.
How could it? He wouldn’t be a good mate for her. He wasn’t Rider or Aaron, who he now knew had reached some superhuman level. Something between human and shifter. They must have. Because how could they feel what he just felt with Seraphina and not be completely fucking altered?
He reached for her hand, slipping his fingers through hers. When she looked over, her eyes were so soft he didn’t want to look away. Could he not just fall into her and stay there forever? Build something permanent with her?
No. Don’t break her.
Seraphina’s battle was to say no when she should. And if ever she should say no, it was now, to a future with him.
Tabatha, his ma, his dreams, his failures, his past, his anger, his vice. They flashed before his eyes like some sick slide show of his thirty-five years on earth. And no matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t see a future that didn’t look like a list that had been mostly marked out in red and folded so many times it was falling apart.
But right now, he was going to let himself feel this.
He wasn’t done with his vixen yet. He was going to take her home and spend the night pretending they had a future together and this was just the beginning. He was going to have her every way to Sunday. Because fuck it, when this was over and he was drowning his sorrows in alcohol again, he’d need all those memories.
He looked over at her. Hair wild and free, feet on the dashboard, staring out the window as the trees whizzed by.
She loved him.
Now he was going to love her as hard as he could, while he could. It would be over fast, he knew. Could feel it in his gut that something hard was coming. Destiny’s warning pulsed through him like an extra heartbeat.
He pulled the car into the hospital parking lot and shut off the engine, trying to find his breath. They were there to check on his mom. They usually kept her overnight with spasms as bad as she’d had, just to make sure her lung function was all right. It was pretty standard, but Rod wanted to see for himself how she was doing. And he needed a breather from all the feels Seraphina ripped from him.
He looked around the lot. No motorcycles. Nothing hinting that there were foxes nearby.
“You stay here, okay? I’ll just be a few minutes.”
She frowned. “I can go with you.”
“No. I need to talk to my mom. Just… alone.”
Her forehead wrinkled even more. “Okay. Um. Tell her I said hi. And… I hope she feels better. And that I will have the kitchen sparkling by the time she gets home.”
Her promise made his chest cramp. Because… she wouldn’t be there when Ma got home. He sighed, dragging his vixen close so he could kiss her forehead.
“Lock the doors,” he said as he stepped out of the car. Walking away, he heard the click of the locks engaging and felt a piece of him settle.
He’d be quick.
He took the elevator and passed the nurses desk, giving them a nod. Familiar faces, all of them. When he reached his mom’s room, she was sitting up, eating dinner, looking more normal than ever. Something that smelled like a school cafeteria, but she seemed fine with it.
“Hi, Ma.”
Her gaze flicked up and her eyes went soft. “Hi, son.”
“Feeling better, yeah?”
“I am. Been over an hour since my last spasm, but Doc still wants to keep me until morning.”
“Good.”
“Not good. I’d rather be in my bed.”
“I meant I’m glad you’re feeling better. Your dinner okay?”
She gave him a sassy smirk, letting him know she was about to say something rude. “It’s supposed to be chicken noodle soup. But it tastes like pond water and I haven’t found a single noodle yet. Just these orange things that are supposed to be carrots.”
He leaned forward to peer into the bowl. Yeah, personally, he wouldn’t call them orange either. More like reddish brown.
“I can bring you something. Want something of Annie’s?”
This seemed to sober her, and she jabbed her spoon into the soup. “No. Don’t go there tonight.”
Rod frowned.
“I mean… where is Seraphina?”
The edge in her voice he recognized, and realization hit him. Ma didn’t want him drinking.
Well, she didn’t have to worry about it. He hadn’t wanted to numb out since the night he’d dragged Seraphina home with him. Ironic, because he was more fucked up and frustrated than ever.
“Okay, Ma. Don’t worry about me.”
“Ha. I’ll always worry about you, Rodney. You’re my son, and that’s what a mother does.”
His mouth curved into a smile without any help. “I thought that’s what a son does. Worry about his mother.”
She grinned back at him. “Only the good ones, tough boy. But you didn’t answer my question. Where is Seraphina?”
He started to answer, until she went into a coughing fit that lasted long enough to have him scowling. He reached for her water and she managed to stop for a drink.
“You okay?”
She sighed, and he saw the faint twitches in her hands. “Sure, son. It’s just more of the same. You know how it is. Now tell me where our girl’s at tonight.”
Our girl. Rod eyed his mom, trying to decide what to tell her. She was getting just as attached to Seraphina as he was. He needed to give her the truth. Fast and hard, so there were no misunderstandings.
“We’re done, Ma. No more Seraphina.”
Her eyebrows dipped in confusion. “Bullshit. Tell me why.”
“This thing with her… it can’t happen.”
“That is no kind of answer, Rodney Douglas Turner. Explain yourself.”
He looked away, pulling his ballcap off and readjusting it. Aw damn, he didn’t want to do this with her. Didn’t want to tell his ma all the reasons she’d never see him and his vixen get a happily ever after. All the reasons they weren’t meant to be. Because inside, was a war between his mind and his heart. A war to do the right thing by Seraphina even though he needed her so bad it was ripping him apart.
He rubbed at his chest, trying to find breath past the pain there.
“I can’t give her what she needs. What she deserves. This life… my life… I aim for top, Ma, but I always hit bottom. That’s my thing. Shoot for the stars, land in the gutter. I won’t let that happen with her. She’s going to find someone that can take care of her, love her better than I can, because she sure as hell deserves that, show her a life worth living. So we… we’re done.”
His mom shook her head in denial. And everything inside him was screaming no too. But this was right. It was right. And he always did the right thing.
“You can give her that, son. Who says you can’t?”
“Life, Ma,” he barked, and then tried to rein it back. He had to make her understand as much as he needed to convince himself. “Circumstances. Shit parameters that force me to live inside a boundary I didn’t choose. The things I want can’t happen. Every door is shut, every path is blocked.”
He dug in his pocket for his list, and when he found it, tossed it her way.
“I wanted things,” he rasped. “So many things. But life is a shitty little beast that always has other plans. Well, fine. I’ll take what it gives me and make something out of it. It’s what we do. You taught me that. But not this time. Not this time, you see. If I let myself make something with Seraphina, what will life do to me then? I can’t chance it, Ma. I need her happy. Truly happy, not just satisfied. I need her… I need her happy.”
His gaze went blurry and he was horrified to realize it was because of a tear. One. A single tear stuck in his eyelid and he’d be a skunk’s nut before he let it drop.
Rod cleared his throat hard and messed with his hat again.
His mom carefully unfolded the page and read his list. The list no one knew about but him. The list that wouldn’t matter from this day on.
The faintest smile curved her lips before she reached the end.
“Rodney, listen to me, just this once. And listen good.”
He sighed, flipping his cap around, growing more frustrated by the second.
“It’s time for you to put this burden down.”
He frowned trying to understand, and she gave him a look that said so much more than her simple words.
“You have to live your life like I’m not sick. Otherwise we’re both crippled by it.”
She thought she was the one holding him back. But that wasn’t true. It was him and his hang-ups. Yes, he had responsibilities, but he wouldn’t trade them for fucking anything.
Not even his vixen.
Because if he did, he wouldn’t be the man she’d come to love. A man who didn’t take care of what was his was no man at all. And he would always take care of his.
“No, Ma. There’s no burden—”
“You don’t need to miss out on life because of me. I never expected that of you. Only one person does, and that’s you.”
“That’s not… this is not your fault—”
“Son, I’m not saying it is. I’m saying it’s yours. You have me as an excuse not to live your life. And that is not how I raised you. Tell me, right now.”
Rod ducked her gaze. “You raised me to own my shit. To never make excuses. To always do my best, even in the small things. To be true and devoted. Fight the battles that matter, laugh at the ones that don’t. I know all this, Ma.”
“Yeah, well…” She folded the list with shaking hands and passed it back to him. “There’s one thing you didn’t get quite right.”
“What?”
“Fight the battles that matter, son.”
“I do.”
“Really?”
“Yes, Ma.”
“Then where is Seraphina?”
He ran his hands down his face, muttering, “I told you. We’re done.”
“No, you’re not.”
“Ma…”
“Let me tell you something right now,” she pushed, her voice going hard. “When life kicks you in the teeth, you don’t lay down. You aren’t done. No. You get back up, grinning and bloody and asking for more. Because you. Aren’t. Done. You’ll lose teeth before life is done with you, that much I know. You’ll lose a lot, but the things you fight for are the things you keep. You fight. You never stop fighting. Because you aren’t done… and life has a helluva lot of feet.”
“I do that, Ma,” he rumbled. “I fight for you. I’ll fight that man looking for Seraphina. I fight for my friends, you know this. I do fight for the things that matter.”
“One thing missing from that list, boy. You.”
He opened his mouth to answer, but slammed it shut again. It was her look, but it was mostly her words.
“Who fights for you, Rodney? Who fights for your happiness, for your hopes and dreams? Who takes care of you? It’s time for you to do it for yourself, son. You understand me? It’s time for you to fight for what you want, and you want that sweet little woman you found. It’s time for you to be happy.”
He stared at his mom, unable to move, his mind twisting with her words.
It was true. He didn’t choose himself over anything. Never had.
In school, he’d put his friends first. When the gig in New York fell through, he’d worried more about Tabatha than anything. When tragedy came for Adam, he damn near made himself sick from missing sleep to take care of Megan. When the Vixens came to town, he hadn’t even been scared of their abilities. He’d gone into protect mode, completely careless of the fact that they could shred him in minutes if they’d wanted. The only thing he’d ever given himself was the booze. The drinking that helped him cope.
Rod swallowed hard.
His mom, who truly needed him, wasn’t the one keeping him from living. It wasn’t even the woes of life keeping him from it.
It was him, and him alone, standing in the way.
Fight for your happiness.
Was it really that easy?
“How, Ma?” he croaked.
She reached for his hand, cradling it in her shaking one, just like she used to do when he was little.
“You go get it. You make it happen, the way you make everything else happen. You fight for it, hun, and you don’t let anyone take it from you. You fight hard. You hold it closer than anything else. You choose you, that’s how.”
Fight hard. That’s what Destiny had told him.
He could damn well do that, couldn’t he? He’d been prepared to fight any physical battle for Seraphina, and now he’d fight the one in his mind.
“Thank you, Ma.” He bent over the bed and kissed her forehead.
She smiled, but it looked sad. “Now go find Seraphina. And tell her I said… thank you.”