Chapter Eighteen
Saying goodbye to Ma for the last time was the hardest thing Rod had done in his life. But he’d survived it.
The funeral service was exactly as she’d wanted. White lilies because according to the instructions her attorney had read to them, she thought they were the most appropriate funeral flower. But not too many of them because she wasn’t “no fancy Nancy”. No organ music because it was too stiff. She’d wanted Don’t Cry by fucking Guns n’ Roses. And she wanted a cake. Because it wasn’t fair that people got cake every time they celebrated your birth, but no one ate cake to celebrate your death… and she was all about fixing that injustice.
A party. Ma wanted him to have a goddamn party while his heart was shattering. That was just so like her that it brought the briefest smile to his lips.
Rod pulled his Mustang into the driveway and shut off the ignition, huffing out a long sigh. In twenty minutes, people would start arriving. His house would fill up with their friends and acquaintances. People offering their condolences and sharing fond memories. And he’d have to smile like he was okay. Because he’d cried enough already. If Ma could see him now, she’d set him straight.
“You ready?” Seraphina asked from the passenger seat.
“As ready as I’ll ever be.”
He turned to look at her, but those blue eyes were anywhere but on him. Something was off with her. She was patient enough, had been right beside him through the funeral planning, but it was like she was biding her time. Like something was wrong and she was waiting to tell him until later.
Maybe she wanted out.
He’d tried using their bond to understand what was happening with her, but he was coming up blank. Or maybe there was just too much swirling around inside for him to get it right. Maybe it would just take time before he figured out how this bond shit worked.
“It was a beautiful service,” she said. “It felt right for your Ma. Didn’t it?”
“It was perfect,” he agreed.
She reached for the door handle. “I should go inside and help Annie. People will be coming soon.”
He reached for her hand to keep her there, but she either didn’t notice or she was avoiding him, because she stepped out of the car instead. She slammed the door leaving him alone.
“Shit.”
He pressed his head back into the seat and cranked the radio on. The sounds of 80s rock filled the car and he closed his eyes to the sun that seemed too bright for a day like this. A day that should be gloomy and gray. It was like Ma was even taking charge of the weather from up above. Like she refused to let him be sad.
A rapping on the window brought him back around. He opened his eyes to find Adam peering in through the passenger side. Rod leaned across to open the door for him. Adam slid into the seat and stared out the front, flicking a white envelope between his fingers.
“Always liked this song,” he said.
Rod grunted a response as he watched Waldo park his rusty old truck out by the curb. Others he recognized followed until there was a line taking up each side of the road. And then they started pulling right up in the yard, not minding the grass. That’s how they did things around here. This was Cedar Valley, and they were coming to send Ma off the right way.
“Look, I know how you’re feeling right now.” Adam’s voice was rough. As if he was reliving his own loss. “And I still don’t have words to make it better. Shit, I don’t think it ever gets better, just being honest.” He swallowed hard. “You fucking lost someone. How does that ever… ever get better. But it gets easier, okay. Just wanted you to know that.”
Rod eyed his friend. “Easier, huh. You sure?”
Adam sighed.
“Yeahhhh. It gets easier, and then just when you think you’re starting to get a handle on things, think you’ve figured out how to live without this person in your life… some mouthy woman strolls into your bar and messes shit up. So expect that too. Expect it to get easier and then harder again. And then maybe it cycles back around too. Hell if I know.”
“I don’t think I have to worry about the woman part of that.”
Adam raised an eyebrow. “Yeah?”
“Yeah. Mine already messed me all up inside, you know. Now I just have to figure things out.”
Adam stared at the envelope in his hands. “What is there to figure out? You did that spur thing for her. Isn’t that how you win a shifter chick?”
Rod smirked. “Win ‘em or scare ‘em away. Depends, I suppose.”
“Well just… you know, don’t fuck it up.”
“Right. I try not to fuck up important things much, if I can.”
“Smart ass.” He handed Rod the envelope. “Here. This is for you.”
“What is it?”
Adam scratched his jaw with his thumb and looked out the window. “Your Ma asked me to give that to you if anything ever happened to her.”
Rod frowned at the white paper. It was new. Adam hadn’t had this for very long. And it felt empty. “When?”
“Ah… last week? It doesn’t matter. Just there you go, okay. She wanted you to have whatever is in that envelope. I’d sit on it for a minute, if I were you. Read it later. After the cake maybe.”
Last week? Holy shit.
Half of him wanted to know what was in the envelope, the other half was terrified to open it. Whatever it was, Adam was right. He couldn’t handle it now with so many people pulling up to his house. Not unless he wanted to break down in front of them all.
Rod nodded, stuffing it in his shirt pocket for later.
“All right.” He sighed. “Let’s go.”
He followed Adam around back and in the rear door. He wasn’t avoiding people really. He just didn’t want to walk right through the middle of a throng of well-wishers. He wanted to take it slow. Ease into it. He’d shaken enough hands and taken enough hugs at the funeral service.
In the kitchen, Annie and Surge were cooking up a feast that smelled as good as anything he’d ever had. Of course it was good. And Ma would be pleased Annie was in charge of it. Seraphina had wrapped Ma’s apron around her waist to protect the little black dress she wore, and joined Annie at the counter. Barb stood off to the side crunching on a carrot stick and squinting strangely at Seraphina.
“It’s something,” she said. “Something different about you. Not new hair, not new makeup. Something… else. Something is up with you, Sera-bera. Just give me time. I’ll sleuth this one out.”
“Please don’t,” Seraphina muttered.
So Barb could feel it too. Something… off.
The pressure in his chest built. He couldn’t take any more bad news right now. He just hoped whoever was in charge Upstairs understood that fact.
Annie looked up, spotting him hovering around the door. “Oh, hey. How ya holding up?”
He shrugged a shoulder, strolling over to the counter. “Just fine Annie-banannie.” Seemed today was the day for using childhood nicknames. “What can I do to help?”
“Nah, you don’t help. You just float around and chat with people. Or go hide out in the bathroom if you want. It’s your choice really.”
“I’d definitely choose the bathroom,” Surge murmured. “All three living rooms are getting full. And I’m pretty sure your sweet Ma is the subject of many a’ tall-tale being shared right now. Like… she didn’t really wrestle a bear, did she?”
“She did, actually. But it was just a tiny cub. And wrestle should be replaced with the word cuddle.”
Surge turned with his hands on his hips. “Well, did she eat a live snake on a dare?”
“What? No.”
“I knew that one was a fucking lie.”
“It wasn’t alive. Who would do that?”
“Slow down. Slow waayyyy the hell down. So she did eat a snake? Like a real one?”
Rod nodded, but Surge grinned big, like he’d just got the joke.
“It was a gummy worm, wasn’t it?”
Rod smirked. “Yeah. But it was one of those five pound ones and she had to sliced it up to get it all down. Pretty savage.”
Surge nodded seriously. “Damn straight.”
Rod looked over and caught Seraphina’s nervous gaze, but she didn’t hold it. She glanced back at the tray she was arranging, and Barb’s eyes narrowed even further.
“Did you lose a tooth? Is that it?”
“No, geez. I didn’t lose any teeth.” Seraphina blew a frustrated breath between her lips. “Will you drop it?”
“Hashtag nope.” Barb crunched another carrot stick noisily. “I don’t like dropping things. Unless it’s hints.” Her gaze pinned Adam for a beat and then flicked back to Seraphina.
“You want a beer?” Adam muttered to Rod.
“Sure.”
He stalked off to the middle room where Rod figured all the drinks were.
Rod looked around the kitchen. It was his Ma’s domain. She’d cooked so many meals here. It was strange to think he’d never find her bent over the stovetop again. Or mixing up a batch of cookies in that big silver mixer. Or eating meals with him at the tiny table that sat in the corner.
Maybe he’d never eat in here again. He could throw down meals on the couch or something.
Time to find another room. One that didn’t remind him so much of his mom.
He headed for the middle room, stopping to drop a kiss to the top of Seraphina’s head. He tried to ignore the way she flinched away. But it felt like a spike to his already hurting chest.
He drew in a breath and rubbed at the ache there.
What the hell was this?
Pushing through into the other room, he blinked at the number of people. Ma had been loved, he knew, but this was incredible. His friends and her friends mingled in smaller groups, some laughing, some crying, while they shared their favorite memories.
Rod stood there, unable to move. He wanted to smile at the conversations drifting his way. Surge was right. They were immortalizing his Ma with some talented stretching of truths, and he wasn’t going to raise a finger to stop them.
Because this was what Ma had wanted, with her eccentric funeral and her deathday cake.
People, coming together, figuring out how to deal with loss in their own way. Smiling if they needed to, crying only because they had to.
Something settled over him as he stood there, watching the way his small town took care of his Ma’s last hurrah.
Peace.
Not the kind where everything is okay and you know it is. But the kind that comes in the middle of a storm and gives you a chance to take a breath before you need to start fighting again.
This was his breath. Standing here, listening to sweet stories of his Ma, knowing she’d never be around to make any new ones.
A breath. And then… fight.
He looked over to find Destiny’s gaze going hard at him from across the room. Her warning came back to mind. Today, fate is going to give you everything you want, and teach you how to fight for the one thing you refuse to fight for.
He swallowed hard, narrowing his eyes at her.
She’d known what he was going to lose. Seen it with one of her visions. That day, she’d known it, and didn’t tell him. Didn’t give him the chance to really say goodbye.
How could she do it? They were friends.
He found himself moving through the crowd, brushing off the nice words people tried to give him, until he’d stopped right in front of her.
“You knew,” he accused.
“This isn’t the place. Follow me.”
She turned on her heel and headed for the front door. He had no choice but to follow, because he was sure as hell going to get some answers.
Outside, she continued down the steps until they were back in front of his car. Turning, she leaned against the driver’s side door, just like she did the last time they talked.
“Well?” he fumed.
“Well, what?” She stared at him with sadness in her eyes, but there was something else. Distance. Like she was having this conversation from a long ways away. Like they weren’t part of the same crew.
“You knew my Ma was going to… to…”
“Die,” she said sadly.
“And you didn’t tell me. That’s a shitty move, right there.”
Destiny pressed her lips together, jammed her hands in her pockets, and stared off at the road.
“What the hell is wrong with you? I could have said goodbye. I could have done something. Oh, shit… oh, shit…” He raked his hands through his hair as a horrifying thought crossed his mind. “She could be alive right now if you’d told me. We could have warned the doctors. They… she…”
“No,” Destiny snapped, watery tears filling her eyes as she blinked. “That’s not how this works. Yes, I knew Valerie was going to die. I knew it was going to be fast. I knew it was going to hurt you. But there was nothing I could do. And certainly nothing you could do. It was her time. She had to go.”
“Bullshit.” The storm was boiling inside him again. Anger and despair and too many emotions. Why were there always so many emotions choking him?
Destiny blinked hard, scrunching her nose up, like she was trying to hold something in. But then it blurted out in a furious tangle of words.
“Because you feel hard, okay. There are so many emotions, because you care about things. About everything. Anyone, and everyone. You were the first to care for the Vixens, the first to stand up for them. You don’t know a stranger, and if you did, you’d give them the Converse off your feet. This is you, Rod. Worried about everyone, like the world is your own personal responsibility. Except… it’s not. And never worried for yourself. Never that, right? It’s why the alcohol worked for you. It let you care but not be hurt. Well, now it’s time for you to care without being numb. It’s time for you to fight.”
Could she hear his fucking thoughts? Goddamn.
“No,” she blurted again. “Well, yeah. That one. I heard that one. But I only hear what comes to me. And it’s always in pieces I have to sort out. Look, I’m sorry. I did the best I could. Can you try to understand that? I… I broke the rules for you.” Her voice cracked at the end and she snapped her mouth shut.
“What do you mean you broke the rules?”
“I made a decision, and now I’ll pay the price. But I couldn’t bear the idea of your Ma passing before she knew a few things.”
Rod scowled. “What are you saying, Destiny?”
“I told her she had one week. One week to leave things however she wanted. She said she was in a good place and had hardly anything to do. And then she gave me some advice.”
He tried to swallow the lump in his throat. And he was acutely aware of the envelope in his pocket. The envelope his mom had given Adam a week ago. “What advice?”
“She told me to live my life so that if I was ever given a week to live, I would have already done everything I wanted to do.”
Well, damn. That sounded like Ma.
“She wasn’t upset?”
Destiny tilted her head. “She was sad, I could tell. Sad to be leaving too soon. But she was… determined. To go out with a free spirit. To leave everyone smiling in the end. To see you happy.”
“But I’m not happy. How can I be?”
Wanting to didn’t get him there. How did he smile when his reality felt so dark? How did he battle it back and find hope again?
“I told you. This is where you learn to fight. Because happiness doesn’t always come easy, and it won’t come easy now unless you choose it. It isn’t always handed to you on a silver platter. Sometimes it takes work. You have to dig deep and find the jewels under all the mud. You have to try again and again. Hold on when those jewels start to slip away. Guard them. Keep them close because they’re precious. You have to fight for your happiness, Rod. And I don’t know why it’s like that for some people, it just is. But what a fight, you know? What an amazing incredible thing to spend your life fighting for. Happiness.”
It was what his mom wanted him to do. What she’d so fiercely tried to demand of him at the hospital. To be happy. Like it was something he could just choose. But was it? Was it that simple and that difficult at the same time?
He hooked his hands on his hips, pacing a few steps away. Shit, he was a mess. But the only time he’d ever been level was that night in the woods after the spur. He’d made a choice then. Had felt so certain about it. And had been happier than ever for a few precious moments with his vixen. If he could have stopped time right then, he’d still be there, happy with her, and not mourning a loss the size of a mack truck.
But he didn’t have that kind of magic, and this was where they were. Aching, both of them. With a brand new bond that was balancing precariously on the tip of a blade, neither of them able to grasp it and pull it to safety.
A future they both wanted but couldn’t quite save.
The things you fight for are the things you get to keep.
He shook his head, remembering his Ma’s words.
“Damn it, I know you can do this, Rod.” Destiny pushed off the car. “You have a beautiful life ahead of you. Things you can’t even imagine. But you have to be ready to face the bad with the good.”
Like a song, Seraphina had said. Hills and valleys, woeful verses and victorious choruses. Or as he liked to think of it, dark plucky tones before righteous guitar shredding.
Destiny strode toward the house where Diz waited for her in the doorway. He took her hand, pulling her inside and the door shut behind them.
Rod pulled the envelope from his pocket and stared at it. Blank paper. No name. Ma hadn’t worried about it getting lost before it made it to him. She knew it would only be in Adam’s possession a short time.
His breath shook on the inhale as he contemplated opening it right there. Whatever Ma had to say, it couldn’t make things worse than they already were. And if he had to hide out in the bathroom until everyone left like Surge suggested, then he fucking dared someone to judge him for it.
Decided, he tore the end off the envelope and opened it wide to peek inside. There was only a single sheet of folded printer paper. He eased it out like it was delicate and could dissolve in his grip. Tears pricked his eyes as he unfolded it to read.
But it wasn’t what he expected.
At the top, in his Ma’s scratchy handwriting were the words I love you stretched across the page. Underneath, was the rest.
But you already know that. And I know you love me, so I won’t waste time saying it all over again. I only want you to do one thing in my absence. And it’s a big request. Huge, son. I know you’re hurting right now, but this is what you need to do.
Live.
Live well. Live the way you haven’t been living for a very long time. Live right and good. Live hard and wild. Let things hurt you, but let them heal. Let things make you happy even if they make you crazy. And above all else, don’t be an asshole.
Until we meet again, my tough boy… Goodbye.
There was more scribbled at the bottom, but his hands rattled like leaves and a tear fell to the page when he blinked.
Shit. This was it. It was time to let go of the things holding him back. Lay down the burden as she put it, and fucking live.
Live, fight, choose.
His Ma, Destiny, and Seraphina were all telling him the same thing. And damn if his heart wasn’t bleeding it too.
It was time to move forward with his life and make it what he wanted. Choose happiness even if it hurt. Fight for the things he wanted. And live.
The weight that had been clogging up his chest came bursting out in a vicious sob. He leaned on his car to catch his breath.
But he wasn’t breaking. His chains were.
The fury and emotions wasn’t because of the shit he’d been tied up in for so long this time. It was the sound of those things breaking. The sounds of freedom.
Freedom from himself. Freedom to give himself to what he wanted.
And what he wanted was a life with Seraphina.
Damn right he was going to fight for it.
Rod brushed his fucking tears away and cleared his throat to make the sounds stop so he could finish reading Ma’s letter.
P.S. Destiny told me some incredible things. I tried not to believe most of them, but if this letter finds you the way I think it will, then she was right. And if she was right about my passing, then she was also right when she told me you are going to be a daddy soon. I do wish I could have been around to see you like that, because I know you’ll be amazing. Just make sure the little one knows his MeMa loved him even before he was born, and I’ll love him from the other side too. Be happy, Rodney.
He blinked. Blinked hard. Because the leftover tears were fucking with his eyesight. Did that say…
He read the last part again. And a third time. Even a fourth, shaking his head in denial.
He was going to be a daddy?
Oh. Shit.
A daddy. Him? Now?
He looked down at his shoes. Converse. Black ones. That and a black button down shirt was the closest he got to legitimate funeral attire. But shit, these weren’t dad shoes. He wasn’t ready. Was he? He was rowdy and liked to play his music too loud. Babies wouldn’t like loud music.
No, he was the opposite of daddy material.
He was such an unfamily man, no one would ever suspect it was the thing he wanted most in the world.
Aw, shit. That was the point, wasn’t it? He’d done this to himself. Removed his dreams from play. He’d red-penned things without ever using the pen.
He let himself go back to that fantasy of Seraphina carrying his baby. The one his mom had put in his head when she was passing down her secret recipes.
Mother of fuck. She’d known.
His gut churned as his mind tried to unwrap everything he was learning.
His Ma had known what Seraphina was to him even before he did.
Seraphina. This was what was wrong with her. She must know about the baby growing inside her. The animal’s instincts would have sensed it right away. If they could smell boners, surely, they could smell pregnancies.
And she was hiding it from him.
Goddamn it, why was she hiding it?
Didn’t she want this life with him. Isn’t that what she’d said.
His vixen was pulling away when she should be coming closer. And he was damn well going to find out why.
And then he was going to find some bubble wrap.