Chapter 8
Audrey couldn’t keep her mind on her work the rest of the night. She kept replaying the scene over and over.
“Go out with me. On a date. I bet we could make a great team for the rest of our lives.”
She heard his words in her mind. Each time, a fresh pinch of pain came with them. Why had she done it? Why had she said no?
When he asked, her heart leapt for joy. She liked him, and was so thrilled to see him making improvements and healing and doing the hard work. And she was even more thrilled that she’d been able to help him get there.
She hadn’t been lying, either, when she’d said that he had helped her, too. Very few people knew her story. Three, in fact. Her mother, her therapist, and herself. Well, and now Kenny. So four. It had been the first time in a very long time that she’d had to say the words out loud. It had been terrifying, but she felt safe with him. Felt safe telling him. And even her nightmares that night hadn’t been as bad as normal.
She’d even been hoping he would ask her out. And then he had. And in her excitement, as she was ready to say, “Yes, it’s about time you asked,” she heard herself saying no.
And now she kept seeing the hurt in his eyes, and the anger. His wrong assumptions. And she wondered if it would set him back. She hoped he’d become stronger, but he was still so vulnerable. The worst thing she could have done was reject him like on top of everything he’d gone through. She could have had dinner with him, even if she didn’t like him. Take pity on him and have a nice night out.
But she did like him. And she fully agreed that they’d make a good team. For the rest of their lives? Maybe. But at least for right now.
So why had she turned him down? And worst of all, why in the world had she lied about it? Because he was a shifter? She almost gawked at herself as she said it. Because he was a shifter, she wouldn’t go out with him. Right. Of all the excuses and lies she could have told, that was the most absurd.
When she got home that night, she stripped out of her scrubs and stretched naked in the mirror. She looked despicable to herself today. Unworthy of love or attention. She’d done a cruel thing. And there was only one thing that might make her feel better.
She bent over, landing on all fours on her bedroom carpet. The familiar ripple of her bones moving in her body washed over her and the chills ran across her skin as the fur popped out in its orange and white stripes. She stretched her paws until her claws extended, sending her back in the air in a proper torso stretch. She let out a deep growl and pushed her French doors open with her nose.
She dove through the doors, barely letting her paws touch the slab of cement outside her door, and ran as fast as she could into the woods behind her house.
She went on a long run, letting the day’s horribleness fade away from her, staying alert of her surroundings. She should have just told him the truth—she was afraid to date him because she liked him and she feared it might get serious.
This was why she kept people at a distance and didn’t have real relationships. Real relationships involved trust and love, and eventually, they involved sex. In all the years that had passed, she’d never been able to bring herself to the point where she could do it again.
That one horrible experience, her first and only time, she worried had scarred her for life. Anytime a date got close enough to kiss her, she started to wiggle inside. She’d always told them she wanted to take things slow. Usually, she claimed to be a Christian saving herself for marriage. It was a much easier explanation and it wasn’t entirely untrue.
But anytime the physical went beyond casual kissing, she freaked out. Her stomach turned, she broke into a sweat, and she bolted. And though she liked Kenny, she also knew he could be pushy and he was strong. Her tiger form couldn’t compare to his bear form. So maybe him being a shifter wasn’t a complete lie. Well, it wasn’t simply because he was a shifter. Obviously she didn’t have a problem with shifters since she was one herself. But being Kenny and being a shifter, made her hesitant. Because she would want to make him happy. She would want to have sex with him. And she wouldn’t be able to.
The trees whipped by her head as she pushed herself harder. She had to be careful, too. But for other reasons. The world knew about bear shifters. But they didn’t know about tiger shifters. And she was strictly bound by the tiger shifter world to keep that an absolute secret. She could probably get permission to tell him since he was a shifter, if she was in a serious relationship with him. But could she really make herself that vulnerable?
She had almost told someone once. Almost. And in the next moment, she’d found herself being pushed down, being climbed on top of, and being forced into something she couldn’t handle. The physical pain had been great, but the emotional pain so much greater. All she kept thinking as he kept screwing her was, at least I didn’t tell him. At least I didn’t tell him.
When her muscles felt spent and she’d gone somewhat numb in her soul, she made her way back to her house and walked to her front door, wiping her paws on her mat before going inside and shifting back. She took a long hot shower, crying a little for the first time in months, then sat on her couch with a bottle of wine and picked up her phone. There was one person she could always talk to about shifter stuff.
Kara may not know all her secrets and her history, but she was a shifter, too. And she was the leader of her tiger pack. She was also her closest friend. She would know what to do. She dialed and relief washed over her when Kara answered.
“Rawr,” Kara said in her typical pack greeting.
“Rawr.”
“Uh oh.” Kara was so good at picking up on any hint that something was wrong. “Tell me everything.”
“Do you have an hour?”
“I’ve got two. Spill.”
Audrey had already told her a little about Kenny, but not everything. “My way famous football player patient?”
“The jerk?”
“Yeah. Not so much a jerk. We’ve been spending more time together, talking and getting to know each other.”
“Uh huh…”
“Well…” Audrey scrunched up her face. She didn’t want to say it. It was too horrible, what she’d done.
“Wait a second. You didn’t tell him, did you?”
“No! Are you nuts? Of course not. I did tell him plenty of other personal things, though. Including my horrible history with men and relationships. I maybe told him too much about me.”
“Why?”
“He asked me out.”
Kara squealed into the phone. “That’s great! Isn’t it?”
“No, maybe, I don’t know. I like him, but that terrifies me.”
“Right, because you have abandonment issues from your dad leaving and too many guys breaking your heart.”
“Right. That’s the problem. I really like him. I think it could go somewhere serious and he’s hinted at that, too.”
“Sounds like it’s time to put on some big girl panties and do the brave thing,” Kara said. “Want to borrow mine? They’re lacy.”
Audrey chuckled. “No. The thing is, I turned him down.”
“Umm. I’m lost. We super like this guy. Let’s ignore for right now the fact that he’s hot and famous and rich, because hello! You like him. He asked you out. And you said no. Why?”
“I freaked out! I was excited that he asked, then I just said no. But it gets worse.” She groaned. “He wanted a reason, of course. So I told him…” She squeezed her eyes shut and blurted, “I told him I couldn’t because he was a shifter.”
There was a pause, and then Kara burst into laughter. “Really?”
“Yes,” she groaned. “I’m horrible. What a stupid thing to say!”
“Well, not really. I mean, in the wild, tigers and bears don’t get along. I don’t think it’s as ridiculous as you think it is.”
“Really?”
“Sure. That’s like a single mom refusing to date a man with kids. It complicates things. Just because you’re a shifter doesn’t mean you’d automatically be okay dating another shifter, especially one of another species, I mean, hello, right? I think I know of one tiger/bear couple in history. It’s not a way common thing.”
“Really?” Audrey breathed out a heavy sigh of relief.
“Problem is,” Kara continued, “that’s not the reason you turned him down. Your fake reason is better than your real reason. Your real reason is crap.”
Audrey tipped back the wine bottle and let the last drops flow into her mouth. “What should I do?”
“Duh. Go out with him.”
“What if he hurts me?”
“Then he hurts you and you’ll recover. Like you have a million other times. And if he hurts you real bad, I’ll sneak into his house at night and claw up his house for you.”
Audrey chuckled. “I might hold you to that.”
“Really, Aud. I know you’re scared, and that’s normal. But you’ve told me you don’t want to be alone forever, even if you’re content with being single right now. I know you want a husband and family someday. You’ll never get there if you don’t start trying.”
“I know.” At least she wouldn’t have to worry about having half tiger, half bear babies with him if they get did married. Maybe they’d end up with human kids if they adopted. What was she even thinking? She couldn’t bring herself to go on one date and now she was picturing their kids?
“You’ve already started to let him in. Keep going. So far, he hasn’t left you, he’s only wanted to get closer. You’re the one running right now, not him.”
She nodded to herself. “Right, you’re right. If I haven’t already messed it up.”
“If you have, then you’ll have learned a valuable lesson that taking chances is important.”
“How did you get to be so wise?”
“They don’t call me alpha for nothing, kid.”
Audrey chuckled. “I can do this, right? I can go out with him and let him in and not freak out?”
“You can. I have the utmost faith in you.”
“Thank you, Kara.”
“Anytime, Tiger. Go get him.”
She hung up with renewed confidence and a fresh buzz. Okay. She could do this. She could say yes. She could go out with him. He already knew her issues. So when she explained that she couldn’t have sex with him, he’d get it. And probably better than anyone ever had.
She put a plan together in her mind and went to bed looking forward to seeing him the next day.
Before work, she gathered things in a pile on her kitchen counter. The carton of eggs, a package of bagels, a few slices of cheese, the spices she would need, two apples, two oranges, some napkins and plates. She hopped down to her basement to find a basket, then returned to the kitchen to get to work.
First, the eggs. She whisked them together with the spices and cooked them in her tiniest pan so that they would fit on the bagels. After toasting the bagels, adding a bit of mayo, and sliding on the cheese, she wrapped each sandwich in foil. She’d made four total. She likely would only eat one, but she thought Kenny would eat at least two. One extra in case she was hungrier than she thought, or in case he was.
She put the sandwiches into the basket with the apples, oranges, and napkins and plates. She laid a pretty hand towel over the top of the basket and grabbed her purse before headed out to the car. On her way to the hospital, she stopped for fresh coffees.
At least what she was about to do didn’t really count as a date. Well, sort of. But not really, she kept telling herself. They weren’t going anywhere, she was wearing her scrubs since she would have to work after, and he couldn’t even make any sort of move if he wanted to since he was still spending most of his time in bed or a chair. This was much safer, much less stressful, but still half counted. Whatever this was that she was about to do, she hoped it would make things better between them. That he would be less hurt, would understand her hesitation, and would appreciate her gesture.
Audrey felt fine until the elevator doors opened and she walked out onto her floor. Another nurse, Sandra, saw her and raised her eyebrows.
“You bring me coffee?” Sandra asked.
Audrey shifted her weight and the basket over her arm felt ten times heavier. “Uhh, not exactly.” Was her face showing her nervousness? She had to be bright red.
Sandra narrowed her eyes. “What are you doing?”
“Nothing. Just having a meal with someone.” She swallowed hard.
Sandra gasped. “You have a date! You’re all red faced and terrified. Who is it? The cardio doctor? That cute nurse in the ER?”
“No…” Audrey looked away. “No one you know.” She started to walk away, but Sandra called after her.
“I want details!”
Suddenly, what she was about to do felt immensely harder. Someone knew. Would be expecting some sort of report of how this went. Sandra had called it a date.
For a minute, Audrey considered putting the basket down at the nurse’s station and forgetting all about it. She could give the coffee and food away to her fellow nurses. But then she pictured Kenny and remembered what Kara had said. It was time to take a chance, to move forward. She liked Kenny and he liked her. There was no reason not to do this. And besides, it was only breakfast. She could leave the food for him if it got weird.
After releasing a deep breath, she walked into his room. “Hey there.”
He looked up at her and glared.
She stuck her hands out, showing off the coffee cups and the basket slung over her forearm. “I brought a peace offering.”
“Shouldn’t have bothered.” He turned his gaze from her and hit the button on the remote to turn on the TV.
“Well, I felt really bad and I wanted to apologize and explain.” Audrey sat in the chair beside him, setting the cups on his bed tray, then the basket. “And I even cooked for you.”
He glanced over, but quickly returned his attention to the TV.
“I’m sorry,” she said. “I lied to you. And I should have said yes.”
He gritted his jaw and didn’t look at her. She waited. After several long minutes, he turned off the TV and turned to face her.
“Let’s hear this explanation.” He snatched up one of the coffee cups and sniffed it before taking a sip.
“Well…” She took the towel off the basket and removed the items one at a time as she talked. “I was scared. I told you that I haven’t dated anyone seriously since I was a teen, and that was true. But the reason I said no to you was the lie.”
He peeled back the foil wrapping and lifted the bagel to inspect the rest of the sandwich. He must’ve decided it looked okay because he picked it up and took a bite.
She wanted him to say something, but at least he was facing her and eating. He seemed to be liking it. “I… I said no because I like you so much.”
He shook his head. “Bull.”
“No, listen. It’s not bull. I haven’t dated anyone seriously because I’m afraid of where things will go. After… well, my first time, I haven’t been able to… ummm…”
He set the sandwich down and inspected her face. “Are you trying to say you haven’t had sex since what happened to you happened?”
She nodded.
“Oh.” Het let out a long breath. “Okay.”
“See, I thought that might be an issue for you and I—”
“It’s not.”
“But you just—”
“I’m pissed.”
“Kenny, I’m trying—”
“Not at you. At that asshole. For what he did to you. For messing you up like that. Don’t ever tell me anything about him, or I will end up landing myself in jail.”
She blinked at him. He would go after this person who hurt her so badly? He would really defend her like that? No one had ever stuck up for her or defended her. Not even her own mother in one of the most difficult times of her life.
Her eyes burned, and she could feel the tears coming. “You would really do that? You’d really go after him? For me?”
“Of course.” He scrunched his face into a mask of rage. “He deserves to pay.”
She had nothing to say to that. It was unbelievable that someone would care so much for her to do that. And she had wanted to make him pay, of course. Over the years, she dreamed of ways to kill him, and every time she woke up from a nightmare, she wanted to watch him bleed again and again. She worried it was turning her vengeful to have these thoughts. But now Kenny was having them. And having them in defense of her. It was almost unbelievable that he would care so much about her already. He didn’t even know her.
“You don’t agree?” he asked.
“I do, I just…” She took in a fast breath and blew it out hard. “I don’t think anyone’s really ever cared about me like that. Or cared enough to do something like that for me.”
He shook his head and took another bite of his sandwich. “Then you must’ve been picking some terrible guys. Look at you. You’re so great. How could anyone not want to strangle someone who hurt you?”
She shrugged. “They just don’t. Or haven’t until you.” She realized she’d been staring at him. Taking in the sparkle in his eyes as the light moved over them, the hint of a smile on his lips. She could sit and stare at him all day.
He caught her gaze. “What?”
“Nothing.” She picked up her own sandwich and took a bite.
“Did I say something wrong?”
“Not at all. You’re right. I picked some terrible guys, and I’ve been in some horrible relationships. Can’t blame me for wanting to make sure it doesn’t happen again.”
“I’d never hurt you like that. All I want is for someone to give me a chance and let me show them that I can be an awesome husband and father. I’ve never been with anyone who would give me a shot at it.”
She nodded slowly. Husband and father? She was scared half to death of going on one date and he was already talking about marriage and kids. When she couldn’t even have kids. Maybe this was a mistake after all. She bit her lip and tried to decide if she could make an excuse to slip out, or if that would be too obvious.
“Now I said something wrong.” He closed his eyes. “After you just said how you didn’t want things to move fast, I said husband and father. It’s freaking you out?”
She pulled her mouth to the side. How could she answer that truthfully?
“I didn’t mean tomorrow,” he said. “I mean, eventually. I’m not trying to rush you. But I think we could have something. And I want to be a husband and father some day. Doesn’t have to be any time soon.”
“You sure?” She didn’t know if she’d ever be ready for something like that, or really if she even needed something like that. Her life was great as it was. Adding in someone else would only complicate things.
“We can go as slow as you need to.”
“What if I’m never ready for something like that?”
“Never?”
“I don’t know. I always thought I’d just be single forever, and that’s fine with me. I have my work and friends.” And of course, her pack, which she couldn’t admit to, but she spent plenty of time with them, just hanging out as a tiger.
“Single forever? I thought all women wanted to find someone, wanted to have kids and all that.”
“Not me. I had to give up on the kids dream whether I wanted to or not.”
“There’s adoption.”
“Yeah. I guess it’s just not something I need.”
“Then why didn’t you just say that when I asked you out? Why the lie and the whole thing about having a problem with me being a shifter?”
She picked up an orange and started picking at the peel. “It seemed like the easiest answer. Something you couldn’t change or talk your way out of. If you’re a shifter, you’re a shifter and nothing can change that.”
How she’d wished many times she could stop being a shifter and just as many times been glad she was. If she wasn’t a shifter, maybe she’d have something more of a normal life. Maybe she would want those same things a lot of her friends wanted. But if she wasn’t a shifter, she wouldn’t be able to run free with her pack. Wouldn’t be able to open up, let loose, and be wild. And she wouldn’t have the confidence in knowing that next time someone tried to hurt her, she’d use her shifter skills and make sure they didn’t live to hurt someone else or to tell her secret.
“But it doesn’t actually bother you?” he asked.
She had thought about what Kara said. Just because she was a shifter didn’t have to mean she wanted to be with someone who was. Would it complicate things? Or maybe they could go off and run around together as bear and tiger and it’d be amazing. He would be able to protect her against almost anything being a bear.
“It doesn’t bother me. It’s kinda cool, actually.”
“Really?”
She nodded.
“So, this breakfast…” he said, gesturing over the bed tray to the remaining food and crumbled tinfoil.
“Kind of a peace offering pseudo date?”
“Pseudo date? So, this is a date? You’re agreeing to go out with me?”
“No.” But she pulled her mouth into a coy smile. “You can’t exactly go out anywhere right now, can you?” She looked pointedly at his leg.
“But when I can?”
His face was so hopeful, she couldn’t help but break into a giggle in her nervousness. Part of her still wanted to say no, but she nodded.
“Just so long as you don’t expect too much from me,” she said. “I’m no good at dating or relationships.”
“Apparently I’m not, either.”
“Then I guess we’ll just have to figure it out together.” She put her hand over his and smiled.