Merk felt uncharacteristically nervous. He didn’t know why. Well, yes, he did. It was Kara and the pulling force he felt towards her. But it was also his past and everything and everyone that he had left behind. There were things and people in his past that he had left behind – that he had to leave for their own good and his. It disturbed him some, his leaving, absconding to this small town to build a life separate from them. But he really didn’t have any other choice. If he had stayed things would have only gotten worse and he didn’t want that for anyone, especially not himself.  He was no saint, had done plenty of wrong things in his life, especially in the last few years, but Merk believed that he was still a good person and that he deserved some peace and happiness. Being a shifter was difficult, not just for that person but also for those who became involved with them.

Still, Merk was moving forward here. In this town. As a head football coach. It was promising. At his old school he had been the head guy and before that he had been the assistant. He loved his job, although he wondered how much of his love for it had to do with him being a Panther Shifter. There were certain things about being a Panther Shifter that made him good at football. It was troublesome not to know what part of him made him who he was – made his identity, as he knew existed. In general, this was the nature of being a shifter, Merk thought - always experiencing life through a kind of double-consciousness, being aware of having two selves, dual identities swirling around, mixing and meshing together; the person and the shifter completely aware of each other, separate but not. It was draining to think about it, to really wrap the mind around the phenomenon. Merk constantly fought inside of himself, trying to balance the two out. But no shifter was ever really able to balance themselves completely or for one, to assume total control over the other. Any shifter that believed they could was lying to themselves.

Merk looked at himself in the mirror. He had decided to go casual. T-shirt with a sports jacket, some slim fit jeans. All dark clothing except for the few sprinkles of colors in the shirt.  It was a nice fall evening and his attire seemed appropriate. He wanted to impress her. He ran some water in his hands and then ran them over and through his closely cropped hair, giving the sprigs and strands some freshness. He shaved but he still left enough to give him that gritty and gruff feel that made him feel comfortable (the last time he had a clean shave, he had felt so awkward. It had felt like he was walking around naked – the air felt so hard on his skin, causing so much discomfort).  He looked at himself in the mirror. That was it. He was ready.

***

 

They met at the school like they had planned. He drove his truck. Kara was outside sitting on a bench. His vantage point reminded him of when he first saw her yesterday, a good distance down the hall and how her body was outlined: sheer perfection. More than that though, he could feel her, like she was drawing him to her. He willingly followed, gladly riding the current that streamed towards her, smooth and abiding.

From inside the truck cabin and peering out of the passenger window, he could see how stunning she looked. Flawless. Her bangs were brushed back in a kind of swoop that veered to the left and the rest of her bouncy dark brown hair was tied in a cute ponytail. It was an interesting look  and not what he had expected. For some reason, he had just assumed that she would go for the sexy look sort of over-the-top with her appearance. Instead, it was all extremely simple and plain. He liked it even more than what he had envisioned in his expectation of her. This look was personable and in a way intimate, not at all superfluous and definitely not superficial; it was intensely attractive. Her choice in attire complemented her. Again, simple, yet without diminishing anything about herself, beauty or style; she wore a pleated skirt that was dark in color and a light top. Her curves were nicely accentuated at the hips and her shirt hung just low enough to give him a glimpse of her cleavage.

Kara approached the truck in a sashay from the curb, her hips swaying from side to side. Her movement was thunderous. He could feel each rock of her hips. She smiled, a brilliant countenance, her eyes never looking away from his, her ability to meet his eyes and just stay there was an aphrodisiac in itself. Not a lot of people could do that. It was a rare strength truth to be told, a surety and certainty of self and willingness to see others as well as expose yourself, especially if one believed the eyes to be the windows of the soul. 

“Hey,” Kara said as she opened the truck door.

He should have gotten out to get the door for her, Merk thought. But he had been too captivated by her as she strode towards the truck. Damn. It was too late now; she was already climbing in.  

“Hey,” he answered, he started to say something about not getting the door but decided maybe it was best to just leave it unspoken and make up for it later. “Ready?”

She looked over at him, her eyes bright like beams of light. All of a sudden, he felt inspired and completely taken in by her; there was that pulling again, that compelling need. His eyes fell to her lips and he had to fight himself not to lean in and press his against hers right then and there. 

“I am,” she answered, reaching over to pull him into an embrace and slightly, ever so gently, pressing her lips against the side of his face in a light brush of a kiss. “So, there’s like only two really good restaurants in town and usually they’re both packed but… I picked the one that I thought you’d like best – I made reservations.”

Merk was impressed with her making reservations, but he was still stuck on her kissing him on the cheek. Her touch, the feel of her lips against his skin, did something to him.

“So, it’s a good thing you didn’t stand me up,” she added, a wry smile on her face.

“I seriously doubt that you thought that was going to happen,” he shot back at her. “I mean, a man would have to be a damn fool to stand you up.”

She laughed: “Merk Castle… Flattery will get you everywhere with me tonight.”

Merk looked over at her. Satisfied with her and his decision to take this leap. His notion to keep to himself in this new town felt distant and absurd now, in her presence, seeing Kara like this, feeling her energy the way he did. This felt right, like it was the path that he was meant to be on all along.

Merk pulled off.

 

***

 

“So let me get this straight… You would pick Nicole Kidman over her? But she’s a super model? I mean, don’t get me wrong, I think Nicole Kidman is an attractive woman, but we are talking about – Nicole Kidman versus a world renowned model.”

“Well, that’s just it – superfluous beauty isn’t real beauty. Fanciness and all the lauding over this and that about a person, doesn’t make them beautiful or even attractive. It’s the subtle things, the simple aspects about a person that makes them look good or not – at least to me.”

Kara paused. She looked at him, strangely. Merk tried to get a read on her, to figure out what she was thinking. But that was just it with her, it was hard to read her, to really see her. But it wasn’t like she was hiding anything either. She seemed to be exactly the person that was in front of him –open and candid as she presented herself. Yet, there was something that was misty about her. Misty. Yes. It was like he was constantly looking at her through a light mist. Merk didn’t know what to make of it.

“So what am I then?” she asked.

Merk wasn’t too surprised at the question. This wasn’t the first time he’d had the Nicole Kidman conversation. If he was being honest with himself, it was part of his thing. Most women seemed to view beauty on levels. There was the bombshell level and then there was the pretty level and then there was anything else below that.

Very few women would call another woman ugly, so if you weren’t pretty then you were just something else below that. Bombshell was what most women thought of when it came to celebrities and models. They were the astronomical and unreachable Pentateuch of attractiveness, the Holy Grail. So, when Merk cited Nicole Kidman as his choice, it was noticeable and it said something about him that was different and unexpected. One, women liked different. And two, they liked unexpected even more. Nicole Kidman was attractive but she wasn’t part of the Holy Grail or model lore. Most men wouldn’t choose her, but Merk truly found her beauty to be the most honest. This always gained points with other women because most women didn’t think they were a part of the Holy Grail but in reality they were better and part of the purest of beauties.

“You’re part of the rare air... You’re definitely a Nicole Kidman,” Merk declared. 

That brought a smile to her face. It was an interesting compliment; one that was outside of the normal, but that was what made it special. Merk was aware of their interaction; it was fun and playful and had a sublime quality to it. Merk sat back in his seat. He was beginning to feel comfortable and confident, not that he wasn’t before, but up until that point he had felt a subtle nervousness. But that was all dissipating and in its place, Kara’s image, her presence, the way she looked and the feel of her energy. It was rising. It was like a mist coming off her.             

The waiter arrived with their food.

“How did you end up here, Merk Castle?” she asked as the waiter set their plates on the table and poured them both more wine.

“Long story short… It was just time for a change,” Merk answered.

“Ominous… But I want the long story or close to it please,” she replied.

Merk hesitated. His answer had been ominous. And he had said it that way purposely. Not that he didn’t want to share with her or someone that he loved or would end up loving – but him and her were new, if they were anything at all yet, and his past was dark. It had people and things in it that he didn’t want to bring with him to this new town and this new life that he was trying to build. Mostly because he was still dealing with some of the remorse and the emotional ramifications - it was a real mental shit storm.  Very few people would understand it, a very small number already did, and Merk was okay with that. He was honest with himself… It was hard to say and contend with it, even in his own mind. 

If he could, he would forget everything that had happened, blot it out of his mind completely and forever. If he never had to face it again or deal with it again or speak of it again, then he would. His life before he came to this town was something that he had no desire to address, not now, not ever. It was a convoluted time and mistakes happened that could never be undone. But there had been some beautiful moments… Too few. Merk cringed to think about it all. He tried to shove it out of his mind. 

“Sorry, I don’t mean to be –”

“It’s okay, really… I get it,” she interrupted, she sat up in her seat as she cut into her chicken Marsala.

“Is it?” Merk was taken back some.

“Yea,” she chewed and then swallowed. “You have this mysteriousness about you that, well, I like and I don’t think I want to know it all tonight… We can let it all unfold in time, the more time we spend together.”

She took another bite of her chicken followed by a sip of wine. Her words played in his mind… Unfold in time, the more time we spend together… It was presumptuous but this wasn’t her first time being like this. Merk liked it. Kara’s confidence was an attractive quality but she had so many. This particular one affected him, made him drop his guard more so than usual. And he liked that. Rarely anyone had caused him to do that. He watched her closely as she used her fork to twirl the pasta. She brought it up to her mouth and then paused.

She looked up at him, her face parallel to the plate of pasta, the end of the fork with the food on the tip of her tongue. He watched her with intrigue.

“What?” she crooned.

“Nothing,” he answered as he dug into his Egg Plant Parmesan.

Nothing else needed to be said. For a few moments, they both sat and ate in the comfort of quietness. There was something to be said about existing in the ethereal silence of nominalism. Uncharted and uncharacterized roles of individuals, the allowance of the person to become who they believed they should naturally become, for inhibitions and reigns of political correctness to fall under you rather than be lorded over you.

Merk and Kara finished their meal this way. In silence, occasionally looking at each other to make sure that each other was still okay. Merk found it interesting how concerned they were with how each other felt. Neither one of them seemed to want to trudge upon territory that would offend or set the other person off. This was new territory for both of them.

Merk hadn’t been out with another person in a long time. Before coming to this town, there had been very few occasions when he had even found himself in the presence of someone that he liked or even trusted or wanted to trust. Whatever this was between them, Merk got the sense that it meant as much to Kara as it did to him. He wondered why.

“So…” Merk started, after having finished his meal.

“So,” she echoed him.

“What about you? Who are you –? Who is Kara Daniels?

Kara finished chewing a bite she and just taken in that voluptuous mouth of hers. She swallowed. He watched her and the way the food went down with dirty thoughts that caused him to snicker inside himself. She hesitated in answering at first but when she opened her mouth to speak only a silly squeak came out, like the words had gotten caught in her mouth. She didn’t know what to say or maybe she didn’t know how she wanted to convey it. This was a first date after all and there was a danger in revealing too much early on. And then, he hadn’t given her much to go on. She looked at him. Studied him. And then sighed.

“Is it that difficult?” he asked.

Pain. Hurt. It was all in her eyes and Merk could feel it too. He knew that what he said hadn’t caused it but he didn’t know if it had affected her. It seemed as though this conversation had affected her more so than him.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it like that – just banter – just making conversation, right? It’s all good. Really –”

“No – No – No… I’m fine, it’s just that…” her eyes bounced around the room, each time they came back to him, she would look away again. “The last time I did this…”

Kara was suddenly different. There was vulnerability about her that he hadn’t seen before. Merk realized that part of their connection could very well stem from them both dealing with something in their past. Merk knew this to be true about himself. There were people he had hurt, one in particular, a young boy that he knew if he had done something different, things would have been better. But the life of a shifter was a difficult one. He didn’t know anything else. He had always been a shifter. He was born into it, a veritable third generation Panther Shifter.

However, he’d watched and observed and studied regular humans. They all seemed to want more, desiring desperately to be more than what they were. Always thinking that ascending to whatever phantasmal higher plane their minds created, would be their salvation.

But for a shifter, if was different. A shifter already understood their greatness. They could feel it from within and then actually see it about themselves. More importantly they could experience it. Aside from their own experience, though that by far was enough. Others – humans – when they did find out about shifters, they either feared them or looked to them as that special thing that they had searched for about greatness. The shifter would then become the humans’ pinnacle and sometimes their god.

It was all an illusion, a lie that the shifter, no matter what kind, believed. This was the root and catalyst for what happened to Merk and since then, he had been trying to forget it or at least move further away from it. Kara wasn’t a shifter, but he saw a lot of himself in her.

She continued, her voice strained some though: “I lost someone special once.”

Merk understood.

“I like to tell myself that it wasn’t my fault… That I wasn’t directly responsible, you know. But – But I wonder…” she trailed off.

Her eyes didn’t leave his. She looked at him intensely, as if she was silently asking Merk, pleading with him to stop her – no save her – from something. Inside, his emotions stirred crazily, whatever it was, Merk wanted to do it, save her from her past, from whatever it was that bothered her so. He put his fork down. There was a steamy imprint on it because he had been gripping it so hard, while he was trapped inside his own head while at the same time listening to her. Merk slid his hand across the linen tablecloth, passing the wine glasses, moving towards hers that was planted firmly on the table as if she was bracing herself. Her hand met his, their fingers interlaced until they held each other in a full grip. Merk met her eyes with compassion, empathy. He understood her.

“I’m over him, really –”

“No – No – No… It’s okay… Really, I get it,” He tried to reassure her.

“I know you do,” she said without hesitation and she squeezed his hand. “I think you’re special – from the moment you came running up to me in the hallway yesterday there’s been this –”

“Pulling,” he interrupted.

She paused. There was a sudden uneasiness about her. Was it because Merk had just said – pulling? He returned the squeeze to try and send her a message, a reminder that it was okay, that everything was okay. Almost immediately she seemed to settle back down.

“I didn’t mean to –”

“No, you’re right… A pulling. I’ve felt it too. A kind of compelling force too, right?”

She was reading his mind. Or they were just simpatico. And everything that he had been feeling was indeed parallel with her feelings. Holding hands across the table, their first date, the attraction between them, intensified. Who was this woman? he wondered. She was an unexpected aberration, an unplanned acquaintance that was quickly turning into something more, maybe a companion.

Again, Merk had come to this town to just escape his old life, to be away from the things he had done. He had had no expectations of meeting someone like Kara who had already lit up and electrified his world in only a day. But here he was with her. At dinner. A level of intimacy being explored.

Finally, Merk answered her: “Definitely a compelling force. I really haven’t known what to make of it to be honest – it’s crazy! From the moment I saw you…”

They said the last words at the same time, making them laugh. They composed themselves when the waiter came over to check to see if they wanted dessert. They both agreed not to. Merk watched her closely. He didn’t want to misread anything but the way she looked at him, he felt a slight pressure that him unsure what to do next. The crazy thing was that they were both adults and there obviously was something between them. It was now up to them where the night went.

True, it was their first date, but the attraction was obvious and through the conversation and the flirtation, there seemed to be a natural progression of what was to come next. Merk decided to test the waters. The waiter came over. He gave Kara a look and as if on cue, she nodded.

“We’ll take the check, please,” said Merk, smiling to himself.

 

***

 

Her lips were full and wet. As she kissed him, she pressed him hard against his front door. Slowly her mouth opened and as he slid his tongue inside her mouth, she slid hers to meet his. Their tongues intertwined, massaged each other. There was a level of intimacy in the kissing that embarked on the fullest meaning of exploration.

A kiss was about discovery. Two people that felt something for each other, delving into uncharted waters with a desire to discover. There was a biological and chemical component to it, as there was with everything else that existed, but when examined, the kiss and its meaning rose to another level of understanding the human condition and the human experience. For all of humanity’s so-called complexity, when it was stripped down and observed in its most finite grooves and crucks, one could see how basic things were: a kiss was about using the five senses to discover aspects of another person holistically.

Tongues connecting, licking together, tasting each other, their saliva imbued with DNA and genetic code, the smell of each other’s breath, where the people have been and what they had been exposed to, the closing of the eyes to focus and see in the inner mind, the feel of another person’s body, the knowing that each person was a relational being and that no one was truly alone, and hearing the other person’s heartbeat or breathing or moan and groan of exhilaration.

All these attributes, senses, at work to communicate to each other and make each person aware of how alive they were. Merk could almost feel her body inside his. They felt so intrinsic and connected. He tried hard to will himself inside of her. Finally, their lips came to a pucker and a smooch and Merk pulled back to look at her. Her hair was tousled and she had a ravished look about her, lustful and hazy. Her eyes were what he could call bedroom eyes – pulling and compelling. He felt it again; she was drawing him to her.

Merk went in for more. This time, he pressed his body hard against hers, making sure that she felt all of him. She moaned and then her hands fell to his butt. She clenched each cheek tightly and then pulled him forward, pressing him against her, their lower halves converging, a slow gyration evolving.

Again, they were two consenting adults, but wasn’t it all happening too fast? But she was insatiable. Sensing Merk’s slight hesitation, Kara kissed him harder, deeper, pushing her tongue with full force into his mouth, giving him all of her as much as possible. She paused, pulling back for him to see him, her eyes, always searching. He then pulled her toward him, lifting himself from the door, bringing his lips back to hers. They kissed some more and Merk allowed himself to abandon the second-guessing. Feeling for the keys in his pocket, he found them, all the while kissing her. He opened door. The two fell into the house, locked in a kiss, bodies pressed together.