VEE

A buoyant Xander lifts everybody else’s mood, and he leaves the Collector’s house with renewed determination. Seth finally agrees to move more items from his place to the guys’ house, and Xander and Heath leave with him in Heath’s car.

But not before dark mutterings about "trusting the bastard” from a pissed off Ewan, easily heard by us all. Joss is keen to get home, and I’d rather spend time resting, so the three of us head back to the house in Joss’s car.

Joss heads straight upstairs when we arrive, without a word. His behaviour worries me, but he refuses to talk.

Tired and hungry, I head to find something to eat. I’ll check on him later.

With Joss upstairs, and the other three guys out, I finally find time alone with Ewan. Or I could if he’d detach himself from his laptop for ten minutes.

I walk up behind him and wrap my arms around his neck. Placing my head on Ewan’s shoulder, I inhale the woody scent of his cologne, evoking memories of last time we were alone at this kitchen table.

On this kitchen table.

"Take a break, Ewan. I want to talk to you.”

He shrugs me away as I nip his earlobe. "I’m busy.”

Wow. Okay. "You're at Xander level on the grumpy scale today. What’s wrong?"

"This shit worries me." He gestures at his laptop. "Seth told me where to find the info on the charity foundation, and I’m digging around their site and connections to find any fae or demon links to it.”

I sit beside him. "Have you found anything?”

Ewan nods. "The board member’s name is Alasdair Faulkner. He’s been on the Alpha Pharm board for a couple of years, and the charity foundation was set up several months ago. I can’t 100% figure out what the charity does. Something community based. They have a launch coming up soon and will reveal everything then, apparently.”

“Hmm. We need to look into attending that.”

“Yeah. I’ve also found some evidence of payments from Alpha Pharm to the Myriad Foundation, but they’re trying to keep the connection secret. I can’t figure out why.”

"And is he human?”

"I’m unsure. I think so, I can’t find links to anybody on our watch list and his human background looks legit.”

"Well, if there’s a magic symbol on the foundation’s logo, somebody is using it as a front, whether the guy is human or not.”

"Yeah. So we need to talk to Syv too and ask if she’s been sent to find anything that could link to this type of magic.”

"Do you think she has?”

Ewan chews his bottom lip. "She might have an assignment to look for something already. I hope she does because then we can discover what we need.”

"So we have the next items on Xander’s ‘to do’ list?” I smile but Ewan doesn’t. "He’ll be happy you confirmed what Seth thought.”

"Yeah.” He taps a pen on the table. "Xander can come up with the finer details. We’ll figure out a way to get closer to the guy running the foundation, and I expect he’ll line up another meeting with Syv too.”

Why doesn’t Ewan sound happier we’ve found a way forward and some solid leads? I close the lid to his laptop, keeping my hand on the top. Ewan frowns at me. He's sullen, the old Ewan from early days. What did I do?

"Can I ask you something? Why did you tell Xander about the night at the Warehouse?"

"I didn't. I don't know who told him," he says gruffly.

I straighten. "Do all four of you know now?"

"Yep. I'd apologise to you, but I didn't tell them."

"Xander wasn't happy with me, and we argued. Whoever told him put trouble between us we could’ve avoided."

Ewan sighs. "Yeah, he certainly let me know that too. Heath wasn't much happier."

"And Joss?"

"He didn't comment. Ask him yourself.” He pushes my hand away and flips the laptop lid back open.

Whoa. I push it closed again. "Ewan. What's wrong with you?” Is this about Xander? Does he know? I always worried one guy might be jealous, or not cope with the idea I sleep with them all, but never Ewan.

"Do you want to go out somewhere, sometime?” he asks.

"Now you’re confusing me. You’re behaving like you’re pissed off with me, now you’re asking me out on a date? Are you asking me out?”

He taps the laptop lid. "I thought maybe we could do some ordinary shit. A meal. Movies. I dunno, whatever people do when they’re not trying to prevent an apocalypse.”

There’s a hint of a smile, but this isn’t him. He avoids the real world. "What is this attitude really about?"

Ewan runs both hands down his face and leans back in his chair. "I thought it might help if you spent time around people, not just us. I'm worried about you, Vee. We all stay connected to our human side, but you're determined to be rid of it. Why?"

My stomach flips over. "Has Joss spoken to you?"

"Yes. Vee, imagine what the five of us would be like, if we all let go of our humanity. Don't you think our ability to connect to humans is what makes us who we are? Without that, we're no better than any of the creatures we fight."

"Maybe you'll find we're stronger if we're more distant from humans, especially if something worse than you've faced before is coming. I don't mean that I want to lose my humanity, Ewan. I just can't cope with human emotions. I refuse to be the girl falling apart because she's freaked out by death. I'm a Horseman. I'm one of you, and I need those weaker emotions gone."

"Wow. I can't believe this is you talking. You're not the girl I first met, not anymore."

"That's the whole point. I'm not, and I never will be. Not since that moment I killed the incubus. You know that."

He shakes his head and turns back to his laptop. I stare at the side of his head, at the messy hair dipping into his eyes and his pursed lips. Anger rises at him ignoring me.

I shove my chair back and stand. "Why are you being so bloody rude?”

No response. If I stay here, this building anger could lead to words I don’t want to say. The suddenness of the reaction surprises me, as if I’m gripped by more than the annoyance he’s not affectionate tonight.

Deep inside, buried in the centre of who I am, is a need for Ewan. I have to connect with him; he can’t hold back.

This is pointless. As I leave, I hear his chair scrape too and pause at the kitchen door.

"I don’t know what to say to you. You’re not listening to me.”

He approaches and closes the door, resting his hand against the wood so I can’t leave. "You want to be a killing machine and nothing else? You want sex to be about satisfaction and not love? That’s what emotionless means."

I blink at his words. "No."

"A hard heart won't have room for us, Vee.”

The hidden Ewan revealed himself over the last few minutes, the one keeping his distance but worrying about me more deeply than the others. They must all have discussed my thoughts and situation, but none had words like Ewan’s tonight.

In his eyes, I see the same as the last time we hid away with each other. Ewan shares his deepest feelings through the unhidden deep affection in them, and for the first time, I realise what my desire to lose my emotions means.

I might lose the ability to love them. Is that the darkness? The part inside my soul that wants those emotions gone because they’re inconvenient. Who is she? Ewan’s right, that Vee isn’t who I am.

"You don't trust me, do you?" I ask.

"Of course I do."

"Then why are you holding back from me? I thought we were getting closer and then 'bam' barriers up. You don't touch me anymore."

"Because I'm not sure it's a good idea for us to take this further."

"Because you think I'll hurt you? That I'll drain your powers if we have sex?"

"That's not why, Vee." He places a hand on my face. The other guys are tall and muscular, but Ewan's heavyset build extends to the hand that all but encompasses one side of my face. "I'm worried about what might happen."

His touch rushes through me, my desire for him surging. "About what?"

"I'm the last, aren't I?" He withdraws his hand and shoves both into his jeans pockets. "I don't know what will happen once you've had sex with all of us."

What the hell is he saying? "Nothing will happen apart from I'll have the closeness to you all that I want, Ewan. I want to be with the Ewan who opened up to me, who made me feel the way I did."

He stares at his feet. "But you want to let go of the Vee who made me feel the way I did. She’s who I want to connect with, and I already feel her retreating. "

"That’s not true.”

"My powers, Vee. I know when you have sex with the others something between you joins and intensifies their powers. Xander’s strength, Joss’s empathy, and Heath’s ability to give life.” He looks back up, eyes glittering. "What do I offer the world? Disease. Do you think I want my expression of how I feel about you to create pain? Can you imagine how horrific that idea is?"

"That wouldn’t happen, I’m sure. Maybe there's more inside that you haven't discovered yet and that will trigger? You hang back when you fight, and don't use your powers much. Why?"

He fixes me with an unwavering look. "Because I hate them.”

Heath complains about his role, but accepts his powers. They all struggle to an extent, but I’ve never seen any look as lost as Ewan right now. "Ewan...”

"Don’t look at me like that.” Ewan takes my shirt collar and pulls me towards him, his mouth close to mine. The desire immediately dizzies, the need to kiss him pushing away our conversation from my mind. Ewan slides his hand into my hair, thumb circling the nape and sending a shiver through.

"I care about you on a level I don't want to. I love Vee, the girl who walked into our lives and surprised the hell out of me." He digs his hand deeper into my hair. "In the beginning, I swore whoever this Truth girl is, she wouldn't affect me, but you walked into the pub that day with Heath and tore away that resolve. Now, the girl who teased my feelings out of me, who took away my self-control because I wanted her so badly, wants to lose herself. And I'm scared I'll be the one to make that happen.”

I brush my mouth against his, his stubble scraping against my cheek. "You won't."

He places his thumb to my jaw and steadies my face with his large hand. He inhales sharply before he responds with the kiss I've ached for. Ewan kisses me deeper and harder than before, the type of kiss that turns the world into a dream and snatches away thoughts of anything but being in this moment with him.

Lacing my fingers into his hair, I hold Ewan's face to mine, wanting to kiss away the worry holding him back. He can't push me away, not this time.

Ewan breaks the kiss, then touches my lips and looks at me with pure, plain desire. "What if who I am destroys the human inside you?"

Is this why I react with this new intensity to cross the line with Ewan? Because something within me needs him to fulfill who I am? And now he knows what I asked of Joss, is this why he avoids me?

"But the human was to disguise me. You all have to accept she'll go, but I'll be stronger."

"And that's the problem," he whispers. "We don't know what that means. The Vee I met would never want to lose part of who she is.

The desire and anger mingle with my need to have the guys do what I ask. "I’m still the Vee you met. I might not be the vulnerable girl from the night you saved me, but I still hold you in my heart. That won’t change.” I push my lips against Ewan's, holding his face to mine. The hesitation isn't there as he roughly kisses me back, wrapping his arms around my waist and holding me close. However gentle Ewan can be, the strength in the muscles surrounding me isn't.

I hold him tight, refusing to take my mouth from his, as if he's the air I need to breathe, desperate and yielding. I dizzy to a new high as his tongue explores my mouth and his taste intoxicates me further.

But Ewan pulls away. My heart twists in pain as he holds me at arms’ length, hands gripping my shoulders. I’m on the verge of launching myself at him, at showing him how strong I am, and convincing him this is what we need to do, but one thing stops me. His expression. I don’t want Ewan to look at me with this wariness; I don’t want us to only be driven by my need to unite our powers.

I want Ewan to look at me with eyes filled with passion and love, not this shut-down guy whose response would only be primal lust. I want this to be about us, about showing him I’m Vee and giving ourselves to each other.

I’ve fooled myself that Xander is the one who resists me; I broke through his barriers much quicker than Ewan’s.

"You're the heart of us all, Vee. Don't destroy who we are."

His heart races beneath my palm when I rest it on his shirt, as it betrays the feelings he unleashed. We stand, locked in a moment a world away from the last time we were here. A moment where I know I’ll need to fight harder for Ewan than anyone else.

"I need time out.” Ewan grabs his leather jacket from the chair. I watch in shock, as the thread linking my heart to his pulls tight, then snaps as he walks out of the door without saying goodbye.

I slump onto a kitchen chair and hold my head in my hands, hair falling forward to brush the table. Ewan’s bike rumbles to life, and the roar distances as he drives away, echoing through the day. My cheek smarts from our kisses, his taste on my lips, and I fight the welling tears. My head’s a mess. A complete fucking mess.

I thought I knew who I was, and what I needed, but I don’t at all. If I lose my emotions, I will also lose who I am to them. Ewan’s words and behaviour made this clear. In my heart, I know I want to keep the ability to love and care. So why is there another Vee inside demanding I sacrifice this to become who I need to be?

Will she consume me?