Tia

After Salinger leaves, Banks retreats to the study, and the house shakes when he slams the door behind him. Giles watches me from the couch, green eyes steady and calm just like him.

I needed to give them some truth in order to trust me, and I’m glad I opened up, but it leaves me feeling vulnerable. I’m realizing that growing up with a father who never spoke from his heart has caused me to grow into a woman who has real, tangible difficulties with being transparent with my feelings, with my hopes and dreams and fears.

It’s messed up - my mind. And I feel like maybe I handled everything all wrong. What was the worst thing that could have happened if I had been honest with my husbands from the get-go about who I was? Who I am? If I was to be honest with them now.

I swallow hard. The worst thing they could do, I suppose, is to send me back to Lawson, the man I am legally bound to. And since I’m not pregnant with a child from any man residing in Alaska, the state can’t offer me any protection.

For the first time in my life, I truly wish I was pregnant.

It would selfishly fix so many of my problems.

So, it’s probably best that I’m not.

Turning to Giles, I want to right any wrongs that I can face.  “Hey,” I say, sitting down next to him on the sofa. “I know you don’t understand, but I needed last night with Salinger.”

“You don’t have to explain.”

“I think I do. Everything's been so complicated. And...”

He reaches for my hand and I take it, curling up beside him. “And what?”

“It was our first time.”

“Oh.” He rubs my arm.

“I just...”

Giles cups my jaw and forces me to look at him. “I get it. I was just worried about you.”

“I know and I’m sorry.”

He presses his lips to mine. His beard tickles and I smile against his mouth.

“Are you hungry? I can make us some breakfast.”

“I’d like that.”

“Good.” I kiss him again, fingers running gently over his chest. I know it’ll be a while before his body is healed, but our relationship has always been more than just sex.

He must see the heaviness I’m carrying because he doesn’t press me about the pregnancy test or even ask me about it. He gives me space to process, in my own way, and for that I am grateful. Giles is a fighter – he’s a protector. A protector of my heart.

Wanting him to know that he makes me feel safe, I tell him I want to spend all day with him being cozy. He says he likes the sound of that and I add, “Maybe after breakfast, you can teach me how to play that video game.”

He chuckles. “I’d love that, Tia.”

The rest of the day goes by quietly. I spend every minute with him, and every time he laughs, my heart flutters. It’s so good to have him back. He’s the quiet strength of our family.

Banks barely comes out of the study. I brought him breakfast and lunch, but he only responded with a grunt of thanks before burying himself back in his work. There’s no news from Fallon and no update about Emerson.

Stay positive, my heart demands. He’s fine. They both are. They have to be.

I eat dinner with Giles since Banks won’t come out of the study, and Huxley and Salinger are still gone.

“You and Salinger seem to have gotten close,” Giles says between bites of the chili I made.

“He helped get you released. I owe him for that.”

“Is that all?”

“No.” I put my spoon down. “I know you guys like to give him a hard time because of who his father is. But he’s really a good guy. And I...”

Giles cocks a brow at me. “You love him.”

“I do. And I trust him.”

“You’ll have a hard time convincing Fallon.”

“I know. But if we’re going to be a family, then we need to trust each other.”

“That’s rich coming from you,” Banks says as he comes into the kitchen. “Considering you still haven’t told us your real name.”

“I will. I am...” I sigh. “When the others get back, I’ll tell you everything.”

“Why not now?” Banks demands.

Because what I must tell them could destroy everything we worked so hard to create.

“She’ll tell you when she’s ready,” Salinger says, coming in behind him, looking delicious in a three-piece suit that he must have changed into at his office.

“You know who she is,” Banks accuses. It’s not a question.

Salinger glances over at me, his lips tightening. “Yes.”

Giles raises his eyebrows and looks between us. “You told him who you are?”

I nod. “And I’ll tell you everything. I promise. I just think it’s best that everyone’s here when I do.”

Giles takes my hand and gives it a small squeeze, but Banks just lets out another frustrated noise. He’s on edge, more than usual, and as much as I want to make things right with him, we haven’t really formed a relationship where that’s possible.

* * *

I go to Salinger that night.

He’s sitting on the edge of his bed, tie hanging loosely around his neck, white button-down undone, exposing his chest. He glances up at me when I shut the door, and puts his phone down on the bedside table, a smile pulling at his lips.

“I was hoping you’d want some company.”

“Anyone else, I’d say no.” He wraps his arms around my waist when I come to stand between his legs and looks up at me. “But I’d never let you out of my arms if I could keep you here.”

I drag my fingers through his shaggy hair, brushing it from his forehead. “How did your meeting go?”

His frown returns. “My father is an egocentric prick who’d sacrifice every damn man in Alaska to get his point across.”

“That bad, huh.” I grimace.

“Just don’t know what I can do.” He places his forehead on my stomach.

“Have you spoken with your mom? Told her that I’d take the tests?”

“I left her a message. Haven’t heard back. We don’t exactly have the healthiest relationship if you haven’t noticed.”

“Want to talk about it?”

He looks up at me and I swear I can see his soul. It’s open, bared. “We all have our secrets.”

“Thought we weren’t keeping any from each other anymore.”

His breath comes out heavily, and he pulls me down on the bed beside him and wraps an arm and a leg around me possessively.

We sit for a few moments in silence, and I finally ask, “Tell me about Hannah.”

He tenses.

“What happened to her?”

“I happened to her.” Guilt edges his words. “We were nine. Always getting into trouble. We’d explored every inch of the mountain. Inside at least. We weren’t allowed to go out unless we had a guard. But even then, there were rules. My mom was paranoid that something would happen to her.”

“But not to you?” I know that’s what he’s implying.

“Hannah was her immunity ticket.” He chuckles, but there’s no humor in it. “I was just an add-on. Someone she put up with.”

“I’m sorry.”

His shoulder lifts then drops. “I know in her own warped way she loved me.”

“Loved?”

“I’m pretty sure her emotions towards me now teeter between apathy and loathing.”  

I’ve never felt a mother’s love, and obviously, Salinger hasn’t either.

“It was Hannah’s idea to sneak out.” Sal pulls me closer, so I can’t see his face. “But I’m the one that got us out of the compound. Despite what my mom thought, Hannah was the adventurous one. Most of the things my mom blamed me for was Hannah, but I never said anything. She’s the one who wanted to go to the lake.”

I twine my fingers with Sal’s, already knowing this story doesn’t have a happy ending.

“She wanted to go swimming.” He inhales a shaky breath. “The thing is we’d never been taught to swim. But she insisted that it was easy. Said she’d been practicing in the bathtub. She’d been watching these old movies about girls who turned into mermaids and I think in her mind she thought she was one.”

“Kids think silly things.”

“She always had a big imagination. But imagination and belief doesn’t keep you from drowning.”

“Oh, Sal.”

He rolls on his back, his gaze distant as he stares up at the ceiling. “Worst part was, I didn’t even try to save her. Just stood on the edge of the cliff she jumped from and watched as she flailed around in the water. I just stood there.”

My chest constricts.

“I was too fucking scared.”

“You didn’t know how to swim. You would have drowned with her.”

“Maybe. And maybe I should have.”

“No.” I cup his face. “Don’t ever say that. You weren’t responsible for her death. And I’m sorry your parents treated you like you were second best. But I love you. And I can’t imagine a world without you in it.”

He gives me a small smile. “I love you too.”

And I know he does. We fall back onto the bed and the day replays in my mind. The conversation from this morning, the fight with the guys. He must be thinking about the same thing, because his voice goes even quieter, and he turns my cheek to face his own.

“You know,” he says. “I don’t think it was your dad who torpedoed the Navy carrier.”

“What do you mean?”

His brow creases. “I think… I think it has to do with my mother.”

“Your mother?”

“I don’t know.” Salinger exhales. “Maybe I’m imagining things, but I’ve been around my dad enough to know when he is tense for reasons he’s not letting on.”

“Who would want to start a war with Alaska? And why?”

Salinger’s eyes meet mine. “I don’t know, Tia. But I’m done being accused of being a puppet. I’m going to find some fucking answers.”

“You don’t have to prove yourself to me,” I whisper.

He gives me a sad smile. “I know that. This I have to do for me.”