Salinger

Tia takes off so quickly, that I barely have a chance to catch up to her before she’s woven her way through the tables of men, pushing through the dark curtains and out the door into the back room.

“Damnit, wait,” I growl out, grabbing her arm and turning her towards me.

She won’t meet my gaze.

“What the hell is wrong?”

“Are you serious?” Her chin snaps up and she glares at me. “You just... you just introduced me to your...” She shakes her head and her eyes glisten with unshed tears.

“To my what?” I don’t like the accusation in her eyes.

“Who were those women to you?”

“They work here. That’s all.” Maybe Huxley was right, I shouldn’t have taken her back there. But I hadn’t known the women would be working this early. And part of me wants to show her my world, find a way to open myself up to her. God knows I’m failing at it miserably.

Tia’s breathing is rapid, her small hands tightening into fists at her side, and I can tell she’s trying to control her emotions when she asks, “And you never... you never slept with them?”

Shit. I should have known that question was coming.

Heat creeps up my neck, and I drag my fingers through my hair and glance away.

“Oh, my God, you did.”

“It was before I met you. Before we were married.”

“But you still come here to see them.”

“No.” Fuck. “I mean, yeah I still come here, but not for them.”

She blinks up at me like she doesn’t believe me, and says with a hiss, “So, just for the drinks, then?”

Frustration slices through me, because I’m not the one sleeping with multiple people. I haven’t given even a sideways glance at another woman since I said my damn vows. Vows I never intended on taking. And considering I’ve been walking around with blue balls for the past couple of months, that’s saying something.

Rubbing the back of my neck I try to understand why she’s so upset, but I can’t. “I thought you could handle this--”

“You thought I’d be okay with meeting my husband’s whores?”

“They’re not my...” I rough my hands over my face and try to collect my thoughts. “Yes. I had sex with them. But I’ve been faithful to you. I always will be.”

“You just won’t have sex with me.” Her words are all anger, but her lips quiver and her cheeks flame with color. “And now I know why.”

“I told you why.”

“Right. Because you wanted to know me first.” Her eyes narrow on me. “Like you knew them.”

“That’s different.”

“No, it’s not.” She shakes her head and starts to turn, but I stop her.

“You’re jealous?” Is that what this is about? I don’t know a lot about women, but these past two months have been a lesson on that emotion. “You have no reason to be. They mean nothing to me. You, Tia, mean the goddamn world.”

She shrugs away from me. Her arms cross over her chest and I see something in her expression like she’s trying to decide if she is jealous. Finally, her shoulders release the tension and she lets out a low, uneven breath.

“Look,” she says, wrapping her arms around herself like a shield. “I’m not jealous that you were with other people before. And I know you didn’t want this marriage, so I guess...”

The silence stretches between us.

“Tia.” I take a step towards her, wishing I could take back the decision to bring her here. I’d thought she’d appreciate the place, with its old-time decor, and all the small details I helped Hux design. It wasn’t just a special project. It was my first real rebellion against my father.

When I reach out to touch her, she flinches.

And this is our dance. One step forward, two steps back.

Will it always be like this?

“I shouldn’t have brought you here,” I finally say after a few minutes of silence where neither of us looks at each other.

“No.” She wipes her cheeks with her palms. “I’m glad you did. It helps me understand.”

“What do you understand?”

“I won’t hold you to your vows.” Her words are like a punch to the gut.

“Excuse me?”

“You didn’t want this. Me. Us. I won’t hold you to the... prison of being with me.”

“Tia.” Her name is a warning on my lips as a spark of anger flares inside of me. No, more than a spark, it’s a fucking volcano ready to erupt.

“You can... be with them.” Her voice is barely a whisper. “I won’t stop you, and I won’t say anything to the others.”

“You don’t know what you’re talking about.” Frustration rushes through my words, and this time when I reach for her, I don’t let her step away. I hold her shoulders and lean down so that we’re eye level, and I growl out the words I’ve been holding back for too long. “I don’t want anyone else. I want you.”

She shakes her head, and when she blinks, tears fall over her cheeks.

“Salinger, you don’t have to--”

“You think this is easy for me?”

“I know it’s not. That’s why I’m giving you an out. I know you haven’t been happy--”

“Happy?” I laugh and it’s a bitter sound. “No, Tia, I haven’t been happy. I’ve been fucking miserable.”

She shrugs away from me and points at the door to the secret club. “Then go be happy, Sal. I want that for you.”

“God.” I tug at my hair and start to pace. “You think...” My heart beats so damn hard it feels like it’s going to fracture into a thousand pieces in my chest.

I’m going to lose her if I don’t let my guard down. But I’ve never been good at expressing my feelings. Hell, I’m not sure if I ever had feelings before I met her. For my entire life, I’ve plastered on a fake smile and made jokes to hide my emotions.

“It was just sex,” I say.

When she winces, I know I’m only making it worse.

“But you won’t have sex with me, your wife.” Her words are soft, defeated.

“Because I didn’t want it to just be sex with you. I wanted... more.”

She holds my gaze, and for a moment, I feel like maybe both of us have our guard down. It’s a stupid thought, but a part of me wants to beg her to see me.

I’m not all alpha male like Fallon, or sensitive like Emerson, and I’m sure as hell not as in touch with my emotions as Giles, but that doesn’t mean I don’t care about Tia. That I don’t love her in my own way.

Tell her.

But I’ve already said the damn words, told my parents how I felt. She knows. And yet she still thinks... God, I don’t even know what she thinks. Which in a way, is fucking hilarious, since I’m practically a human lie detector.

“What do you want?” she asks. “Tell me.”

What do I want?

I want her.

Us.

No barriers.

No lies.

I want her to want me.

“I want--”

“Everything okay here?” Huxley asks from the hallway, before coming into the room. He gives me an I-told-you-fucking-so look, before raising a brow at Tia.

She runs her hands over her face and shakes her head. “How... how are those women even here? I thought...”

“They’re infertile,” I say, needing her to understand that I’m not the bad guy she thinks I am. “They were disqualified from the Lottery for that and other reasons. They would have been sent to the docks, if--”

She puts a hand up, stopping me, then looks up at Huxley. “I just want to go home.”

He nods and places an arm around her shoulders, pulling her to his side. And my own jealousy stirs in my chest, because of the natural ease with which he does it.

They start to walk away.

When I don’t move, Huxley turns his head and asks, “You coming?”

I swallow past the lump that’s found a permanent spot in my throat and shake my head. “Going to stay here for a bit.”

Tia looks at me then, and I see the hurt in her eyes. I want to curse because I know what she’s thinking. That I’m staying for the women. And I know I should say something to correct her, or even just go with them.

But if she doesn’t trust me, that’s not my fault. I’ve been faithful. Given her no reason to think I’d be otherwise. And right now, I need some space to think and figure out if she’s right. If this really is what I want.

Because if it is, then I’ve got one hell of a fight on my hands.