Chapter Seventeen
Later that day
At noon, Eleanor sent Jane and Minnie home.
She had waited all morning for Hugh to make an appearance, and her frayed nerves were at the breaking point. Better to sit by herself, considering what she wanted to say to him, than attempt to concentrate on her work. She brewed a pot of tea, poured herself a cup, and sat on the garden bench.
Her deception had gone on too long, and she feared Hugh would never forgive her for it. Just as he’d never forgiven his mother. The truth will out. Wasn’t that a quote from Shakespeare? How many times had she chided herself for not telling him about Lili? How many times had she tormented herself with the knowledge that she was keeping his own child from him? And yet she hadn’t acted.
The irony of the situation was not lost on her. Hugh learning the truth just after their declaration of love for each other. How would she explain? She’d had her reasons, but would she be able to make him understand? Last night, after she’d told him, his voice had been cold and completely devoid of sympathy or understanding. Perhaps, after having time to mull it all over, he’d had a change of heart. Maybe he was reserving judgment until she fully explained her situation.
And then she glanced up and saw him opening the gate. He had the most fearsome look on his face. Like God must have appeared right before he hurled Lucifer into hell. And that’s when she knew that her dreams of building a family with Hugh and Lili had been shattered by her own folly.
Rain had been threatening, and now big drops hurtled down. She waved Hugh into the cottage and motioned toward one of the two chairs. “Please, be seated, Hugh. I’ve made tea. Would you like some?”
He remained standing. “No. Let’s get on with this. We are alone?” His eyes cut toward the back room.
“Jane and Minnie have gone home.”
“Good.” His gaze swung back to her. “Now, tell me what happened from the time you learned you were with child.”
So there were to be no pleasantries, no words to ease her fears or to reassure her. Her apology, her stated hope for forgiveness meant nothing, apparently. Very well, then. If this was the way he wished to carry on, she would not argue, aware just how deserving of his censure she was. “Months of isolation in the house, then to cousins in Devon, virtual strangers, for the birth. Afterward, Lili was immediately fostered out. My father made all the arrangements beforehand. I had no say in any of it.”
“The child is illegitimate. I don’t blame him; I blame you. You could have prevented that. Lili’s surname is Broxton, I take it?”
“Yes, of course.” His words were damning. An icy stab to her heart. Throat thick with emotion, she said, “How could I have prevented it? I was barely one and twenty, completely dependent on my parents.”
Coldly, he said, “You could have prevented it by informing me.”
“You may as well have been a million miles away! At the time, informing you seemed impossible. I realize you don’t see it that way, but can you not try to understand how it was for me, at least until I formed the plan of starting a dressmaking business? Doing that would give me some independence, enable me to save money so that Lili and I could one day live together. I have no money of my own.”
“Do your parents know that I am Lili’s father?”
“No. Despite my mother’s relentless prodding, I’ve resisted telling them. They may have guessed by now, but if so, they haven’t said.”
Finally, Hugh pulled out the other chair and sat. She hoped maybe this signaled a diminishment of his ire and a more empathetic view of the situation. But she was wrong.
“How could you do it? Abandon our daughter to someone else to be raised?”
A loud peal of thunder delayed her answer. “You must see I had no other alternative. I had no resources, no means of raising her on my own, and nowhere else to live.” She clasped, and then unclasped, her hands. “I hated giving her up. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do.” Pausing, Eleanor wondered if anything she said would matter. “You are always asking me why I work so hard. Lili is the reason.”
Hugh cocked his head. “Some fantastic notion of living together in your own home? You’d be an outcast, and so would Lili. Society never forgives these indiscretions. You know that.”
“I was not planning to remain in Haslemere. When I saved enough money, I planned to move somewhere I’m not known. To pretend I’m a widow. I hadn’t worked it all out yet.” She paused, swallowing over the thickness in her throat. “And please, no matter what you think of the idea, do not make sport of my hard work, my efforts to take care of Lili by myself.”
“For God’s sake, Eleanor, earning enough money would have taken years.” Hugh leaned so close to her, she wanted to draw back. “Where is she? Who has her?”
Oh God, how she’d dreaded this question, but she could not keep it from him. “Jacob Abbot and his wife are caring for her at present.”
Hugh stood so fast, his chair tipped over backward, cracking against the floor. “That scoundrel? The man we suspect may have set the fire?” He stepped back, as though afraid he might strike her. “So that is why he spoke to you that day at Longmere!”
Should she admit her own suspicions? It seemed there was nothing left to lose; she may as well confess all. “He is trying to extort money from me. He guessed that you are Lili’s father. According to him, a friend of his saw us enter the livery together that night. I believe he set the fire to show me he could hurt the people I care about.”
“Christ almighty, Eleanor. Even then you didn’t tell me of your suspicions. I might have lost everything in that fire, and he might have returned to do more harm.”
“I intended to tell you all of it. About Lili and Abbot both, last night.”
If anything, his glare was more hostile than before, and she was struck dumb by his response. “I shall see my solicitor in London tomorrow and find out what actions I must take to declare Lili my daughter. Legally. Then I’ll remove her from the Abbots’ home and place her with someone I deem fit. At least until my house is ready to be occupied, and I can employ a nursemaid.”
When Hugh moved toward the door, as if to leave, Eleanor leaped to her feet. “Remove her from the Abbots, by all means. I’ve been longing for the day I could do that. But bring her to me. I am her mother.”
He turned, staring at her with those cold, judgmental eyes. “You’re not fit to raise her. A woman who would give up her own child. You’re cut from the same cloth as my mother.”
And there it was. What she’d been waiting for. The comparison to his mother. Eleanor was weeping now. “Can you so easily dismiss what we’ve meant to each other these past weeks? Can you not try to understand?”
“I see now how wrong I was about you. You didn’t have the courage to defy your parents, nor did you do the sensible thing and contact me. How can I trust you with her when you were so willing to be cajoled into handing her over to the Abbots, of all people?”
Hugh unlatched the door, poised to leave and set his plan in motion. Eleanor moved toward him, letting him see her tear-streaked face, her misery. “Whatever you think of me, Lili loves me, and I love her. Don’t tear her world apart to wreak vengeance on me, I beg you.”
He hesitated, and for a moment she thought he might relent. But he said, “You had your chance, and you failed. I am her father, and I’ll take responsibility for her now.” He exited without a backward look, pulling the door closed behind him.
Hugh’s words, spoken only last night, echoed in Eleanor’s ears. “Nothing you could say would make the slightest difference in my feelings for you.” But it wasn’t what she’d said, rather what she’d done, that had ripped them apart.
…
After Hugh left, Eleanor wallowed in self-pity for a long time. She understood his feelings of hurt, betrayal, and even a degree of anger. But she’d not anticipated the fury she’d seen in his eyes. Or the complete lack of empathy. At length, she pulled herself together.
A long afternoon stretched out before her. Eleanor hadn’t been back to the Abbots’ since Jacob Abbot had barred her from entering. She would visit this afternoon and check on her daughter’s welfare. Seeing Lili presented the perfect opportunity to take her mind off her own wretched state. Given that she did not know when Hugh would make good on his threat, she’d do well to take advantage of every spare moment she could spend with her daughter. For a long time now, whenever she had a free moment, Eleanor had been sewing a wardrobe for Lili’s cloth doll from scraps of the finest silks and satins, and she wanted to teach Lili how to dress it.
She was taking a risk, not knowing if Abbot would be there. But Eleanor suspected he was at Longmere. Since so much had been lost in the fire, Hugh would need every available carpenter to replace what had burned. Not long after she’d made her decision, Eleanor pulled up at the Abbot home. Edith answered her knock, wariness in her eyes. “Miss Broxton. I wasn’t expecting you.”
Eleanor had to restrain herself from a sarcastic response. Her visits should be a surprise to nobody. They had been prearranged and agreed upon. “I would like to see my daughter, Edith. Your husband wouldn’t allow it the last time I drove out.”
The woman’s jaw tightened, but she didn’t respond to Eleanor’s statement. “Come in, then.”
“How are you feeling?” Edith’s belly had swelled and rounded since Eleanor had last seen her.
“Well enough, I suppose. Lili’s in the kitchen.”
The toddler was sitting on the floor, playing with spoons, bowls, and cups. When she saw Eleanor, her face glowed with excitement. Eleanor dropped down beside her. “What are you making, poppet?” Lili crawled into her mother’s lap, and she drew her close, inhaling her scent. “She looks much healthier than the last time I saw her.”
Edith had returned to kneading dough. Without looking up, she said, “You mean, when she had the earache. She got over it pretty fast.”
Eleanor got to her feet, holding Lili in her arms. “I’ve brought her something. I left it in the gig, so we’ll just go and get it. Do you know where her doll is?”
“In her bed, I think.”
That afternoon, mother and daughter spent a long time together dressing the doll in the clothes Eleanor had lovingly sewed. A chemise. A bright yellow cambric dress with pin tucks and a sash. A vivid red ball gown with a flounce. “Here, love. Mama will help you with the dress. Which one?” Lili pointed to the red gown. Her little fingers couldn’t quite do what she wanted them to, but in her mother’s opinion, for a child of her age, she showed a great deal of patience.
Eleanor studied her, so like Hugh in her coloring. What would he make of her? Her sparkling dark eyes, the joy she found in simple accomplishments, the radiant smile that greeted Eleanor every time she visited. Although she bitterly resented Hugh’s plan to take Lili away from her, one part of her was glad for him, that he would meet his daughter at last. And glad for Lili, too. A wave of despair washed over her, so strong she wanted to weep. Her dreams for herself and Lili would never come to pass. And she must also let go of her foolish hope that Hugh might play a part in those dreams.
When Eleanor took her leave, ominous dark clouds were gathering, staining the sky a purplish black. She drove as fast as she dared, eager to arrive ahead of the storm. After dropping off the gig with one of the stable lads, she hurried down the path toward the cottage. But the storm burst before she made it home, soaking her clothes, bonnet, and half boots. It was dark inside, and she lit a few candles before changing her dress. Then she looked for a drying cloth to blot her wet hair.
Suddenly drained, she dropped onto one of the chairs and forced herself to think rationally about her situation. Hugh was planning to cut her off from her daughter completely, and she couldn’t stand by and let that happen. She would seek her father’s help, but not until tomorrow. She was far too upset to have such an important conversation tonight, while her feelings were still so raw.