Chapter Twenty-Four
On the ride back to Surrey, Hugh reflected on all that had transpired the day before. In retrospect, it seemed a miracle they’d found Lili safe. In their inquiries, Hugh and Ned had discovered that Abbot hadn’t found work at the factories, though not from lack of trying. It was sheer happenstance they’d spotted him, and if Eleanor hadn’t intervened on the ramparts, he might have eluded them. He’d seemed to have no real plan for extorting money from them.
Which was why Hugh and Ned had struggled with whether to call in the magistrate. In the end, Hugh had decided they must, albeit reluctantly. He hated leaving Mrs. Abbot pregnant and alone. But Abbot’s crimes simply could not be overlooked. The man was an arsonist and blackmailer, and he’d kidnapped Lili. If his crimes had been against property only…but they had endangered lives, and Hugh couldn’t be sure he would not commit similar crimes again, if the opportunity presented itself.
Ned would remain in Portsmouth this morning until arrangements could be made for Edith Abbot to travel back to Haslemere by mail coach. Hugh had promised to visit her soon. He planned to offer her financial assistance, at least until she remarried or could otherwise find some means to support herself and her child. She had cared for his child for two years, and for that he was grateful.
Seeing Eleanor with Lili had been a revelation. They belonged together. Hugh wasn’t certain what he’d expected, but not the closeness he’d observed. He should have known. Known that a woman like Eleanor would never settle for anything less than a true attachment. He wished for that, too, and she had seemed amenable to it.
But was she—could she ever again be—amenable to a close relationship with him? He loved her, and she had said she loved him. But that was before his rash, reckless accusations. Before he’d threatened to take away her child. Before he’d had time to consider her situation when Lili was born. And he knew the reason he’d been so unwilling to see things from her perspective. The chief reason, in any case.
He’d never gotten over his resentment of Deborah. He had blamed her for every misstep he’d ever taken. And before he’d truly thought things through, he had placed Eleanor in the same category as his mother—women who leave their children. What a fool he’d been.
After reading Deborah’s letters and hearing the truth from Wesley, he was ready to make amends with his mother. More than ready. And he felt strongly that before he could attempt to get back into Eleanor’s good graces, he must make things right with Deborah.
He would never be whole, never be a man Eleanor could truly trust, until he let go of his bitterness.
He and Eleanor would be thrown together often because of Lili. He could only hope to sway her opinion of him once they were more in each other’s company. He wanted her back in his bed, too, and he’d lay money on her wanting that as well. Even when he’d been at his angriest, he’d felt the pull, the attraction to her. Though, until now, he’d resisted acknowledging that to himself. To contemplate life without ever making love to her again was as grim as he could imagine.
The truth was, he wished to marry her. He wanted her by his side every day of their lives.
Forever.
He would make a start. Sometime in the next few days, even before he visited Eleanor and Lili, he would travel up to London and see his mother.
…
A few days later
Once back in Surrey, Eleanor and Lili settled in with her parents. Although her mother was subdued, she’d seemed greatly relieved that no harm had come to her granddaughter and had even been helping with Lili’s care. Eleanor knew they must eventually have a discussion, but for now she simply wanted to make a home for Lili.
Hugh did not come.
That surprised her. She’d expected him the day after they’d arrived home, or bright and early the following day, but so far he’d stayed away. Perhaps he was giving her and Lili time to adjust to a different life.
Since her return from Portsmouth, Eleanor had been trying to envision what the future held for her and Lili. Looking back on the last few years, she realized her life had been ruled in large part by what others wanted, or demanded, of her. No more. From now on, she would make her own decisions regarding herself and her child. She wanted Hugh to be a big part of Lili’s life, but that was the only thing she knew for certain. A daughter needed her father to rely on, as she had done with her own father for her whole life.
With Sir William’s help, she intended to carry through with her plan to leave Surrey and settle somewhere else where she was unknown. Somewhere reasonably close to Haslemere, so Hugh could see Lili regularly. It should not be difficult to establish a dressmaking business, and with the money she earned, she could support herself and Lili. She knew her father would not begrudge her the money, and her mother would probably be just as happy to be rid of them.
Her mother had invented a story to explain Lili’s presence, but Eleanor was quite sure the household knew the truth, and that was all right. They were good people, and they were kind and helpful to Eleanor and loving toward Lili. Eleanor’s mother wanted her to find a nursemaid, but she was not ready for that step yet. When she was gone from this house, she would be occupied with her work. That was soon enough to turn Lili’s care over to somebody else. For now, she was determined to make the most of the early morning kisses and smiles, the games they played, the stories they shared at bedtime. These were the most precious moments in her life.
…
After a busy few days dealing with matters at Longmere, Hugh had sent an express to his mother requesting a meeting with her. He disliked being so formal, but she and Mr. Cochran were often away, and he didn’t want to make a wasted trip. When the time came to leave, however, he found he wasn’t quite ready. He wanted to see Lili first. And yes, he could admit it, Eleanor, too. Perhaps Eleanor most of all. He’d wanted to allow them some time to settle in with her parents, but he missed them both too much to wait any longer.
He walked his mount to the Broxtons’ home and rapped at the front door. Hugh had never been round to the front of the house; in fact, now that he thought about it, he’d never been inside the house, either. The facade was more London than Surrey, stuccoed and ornamented with a good deal of wrought iron.
The butler accepted his card and asked him to wait in the rotunda, and in a moment Eleanor herself came to greet him. She was wearing his favorite blue dress and, in both looks and actions, she seemed like a different woman from the one in Portsmouth. Her step was lively, her demeanor composed. She had the fresh-faced look of the girl he’d first met at his mother’s house party. He watched her come toward him, and God help him, he was smitten all over again. He couldn’t take his eyes off her. Her hair was pinned up, although a few locks had fallen free of the arrangement. Her eyes sparkled, and he realized they’d lost that haunted look. Good God, she was speaking to him, and all he could do was stare.
“Hugh?”
“Eleanor. You look…transformed.” He took her hand and kissed her fingers lightly.
“Thank you. I think you are paying me a compliment.” She laughed. He hadn’t heard that laugh in quite a long time. It was sustenance to a starving man. “Come, we are in the drawing room.”
By “we,” he hoped she meant only herself and Lili. He walked into the room and his daughter, who was playing with bowls that fit one into another, glanced up at him. “Hello, poppet,” Hugh said, striding over to her. He hunkered down on the Turkish carpet and planted a kiss on the top of her head. She smiled, but quickly grew shy, getting up and toddling over to Eleanor. Clutching her mother’s legs, she sneaked a glance at Hugh.
His disappointment must have registered on his face, because Eleanor said, “She’ll grow accustomed to you, don’t worry. I believe children develop a certain shyness at her age.”
Hugh smiled ruefully. “I mistakenly thought she would remember me from Portsmouth. She wasn’t shy with me there.”
“No, she wasn’t. They are changeable little creatures. Let’s sit down and play with her. She’ll be demanding all your attention in no time.”
Eleanor was right. They played with the bowls and, after a few minutes, Lili was laughing at him when he pretended to fit a larger bowl into a smaller one. When she grew bored with the bowls, he picked her up, and she allowed it. He noticed then that Eleanor had left the room. He walked with Lili to the tall sash windows, and he pointed out various things outside. He took a ridiculous pride in her saying the names of things, as though he’d had something to do with her learning them.
Eleanor breezed back into the room with a maid. “It’s time for Lili to eat. Mary will feed her, and you and I can talk. Is that all right with you?”
“Yes. Excellent.” She was certainly being accommodating. He did want to talk. After Mary and Lili had left the room, she beckoned him to the sofa. In a moment, a footman entered with tea, sandwiches, and Sally Lunns, his favorites.
While they ate, he spoke to her of his plans to help Edith Abbot. “That’s very generous of you, Hugh,” Eleanor said. “In a way, she was Abbot’s victim, just as we were. And I always believed she was genuinely fond of Lili.”
Silence ensued.
“I wanted to speak to you—” he began.
“Please visit Lili whenever—”
They smiled at each other. Hugh wished things were not so awkward between them. Fleetingly, he wondered if she yearned for him as he did for her. “My apologies. I know we have much to discuss, but selfishly, today I need your advice. I’m riding up to London to talk to my mother, and I’m all at sea about what to say to her. Ridiculous for a grown man, I know, but there it is.”
Eleanor had poured the tea and handed him a cup. “Ah. Now I remember. With all the worry and confusion regarding Lili, I barely took note of what you said about her. Letters, and something a footman told you?”
Hugh laughed. “You really weren’t listening, were you?”
“Not to that part.” She gave him a cynical look, and then he recalled the remainder of their conversation and winced. “I have much to atone for, but I must deal with my mother first.”
Eleanor’s look softened. She bit into a watercress sandwich and sipped her tea. “What would you like to say? What’s at the core of it?”
Eleanor possessed a rare ability to get to the heart of the matter. “Well…I don’t want to deny that I was hurt by her leaving. And taking Adam with her—”
“You’re not going to say you forgive her, are you?” Eleanor’s head was canted, her mouth tilted up at one corner.
“Of course not. Though it may not have been obvious, I did learn something from our talk at the inn.”
She continued to study him. “Very well. Pray, continue.”
Suddenly, he was weary of the whole thing. Perhaps this was a fool’s errand and he should abandon it. If Eleanor thought so little of his ability to humble himself before his mother, maybe it was a mistake. “Bloody hell—my pardon—should I give up this scheme and simply resume a normal relationship with her? She would accept that, I know.”
“You mean give up on bringing things out in the open? Yes, do that, Hugh. Much better to pretend none of it ever happened.” It took him a moment to see the cynicism in her words and expression.
He laughed, shaking his head. “What, then?”
“Go on with what you were saying. ‘You don’t want to deny you were hurt, but.’ That’s where I interrupted.”
“Tell her I discovered the truth. That I read the letters, which I’d never received. And the rest of it.”
“And?”
“That I’m truly sorry for blaming her all these years. Her and Adam. That I understand now, as an adult, what an impossible situation my father had placed her in.” He glanced at Eleanor. Their eyes locked.
“Oh, Hugh, yes. That’s exactly it. I’m so sorry I didn’t pay attention when you confided this to me at the inn. What wasted years for you and your family! Now you have the chance to make it all right.”
Every instinct told him to pull her into his arms, kiss her, and tell her she was a huge part of why he wanted to reconcile with his mother. He’d like to do much more than that, but he knew she wasn’t ready and would most likely shove him away. He had to go slowly with her or risk losing her for good. So he ignored those instincts and got to his feet. “I must be on my way.”
“Yes. And take the sandwiches and buns to eat on your journey. You’ll be starving by the time you reach London.” She called to Mary to wrap up the food.
Eleanor walked outside with him. “Your house. Has it always looked like this? With the risk of giving offense, I have to say it resembles a terrace in Town.”
She laughed. “My mother insisted on a new facade a few years back. The style was her idea. I’m not offended. I agree with you.” She paused a moment, as though gathering her thoughts. “Someday I must tell you of her role in all of this, but not now.”
He’d no idea to what she referred, but she was right. It must wait, like so many other matters. A groom brought out his horse. Before mounting, he leaned in and kissed her cheek. “Good-bye, Eleanor. My thanks for your wise counsel.”
Her face bore a slight flush. “I shall see you in a few days, then. Safe travels.”
…
After Hugh left, Eleanor decided a stroll about the park would be just the thing. She felt an odd restlessness she hadn’t experienced in some time, and it had to do with Hugh. With herself and Hugh, and what they were to each other.
His intention to apologize to his mother had touched her more than she wished to admit. She was pleased beyond reason that he understood it was he who owed his mother an apology, not the reverse. That was exactly what Eleanor wanted from him. An apology. Oh, he’d indirectly apologized by saying he’d been a fool. That he said idiotic things. But in her mind, those words did not constitute a true apology for wounding her so deeply. For threatening to separate her and Lili.
She sensed in him a desire to revert to their previous close connection, and, God knew, she wanted that, too. But, remembering her anguish, she needed some further proof that he was not the sort of man who was vindictive and spiteful, always laying the blame on the other party. He was repairing his relationship with his mother. Would he ever do so with her? Did he want to?
Until she had proof, she couldn’t risk her heart again. It was too painful.
…
Hugh made it to London in late afternoon and presented himself at his brother’s door. Wesley let him in, took his hat, gloves, and whip. The house was oddly quiet. “Where is everybody, Wesley?”
“Mr. Grey is out on Parliamentary business, and Mrs. Grey—the younger Mrs. Grey— is making calls, I believe. Your mother said to send you up to the drawing room when you arrived.”
Hugh nodded and made his way upstairs. His stomach felt as if grasshoppers were jumping around inside it. He needed to get this right. It was the crucial first step in mending everything wrong in his life.
Deborah must have heard him, because she was standing, hands folded at her waist, when he entered the room. He walked directly to her and bowed. Then he grasped her hand and kissed her cheek. “Hello, Mama,” he said.
“Hello, Hugh. You haven’t called me ‘Mama’ in years.” Her eyes were bright, but encouraging.
“No, I have not. But that’s going to change, I hope.” He gestured to the sofa. “Let’s sit down.”
Deborah smoothed her skirts, a nervous gesture, and waited for Hugh to begin. “I’m not sure where to start. Probably with the letters.”
She appeared puzzled. “The letters?”
He nodded. “The ones you wrote to me after you and Adam left Longmere. Father had never given them to me, you see.”
Deborah held herself quite still. “I was afraid that was the case.”
“His desk is one of the few pieces of furniture I kept from the original house. I had it moved into my study. It was filled with his things, and I found a bundle of letters in the bottom drawer.”
“How cruel you must have thought me. To leave you and fail to write or visit.”
“You can’t imagine…” Choking up, he paused to collect himself. “To read them was a revelation. For the first time, I knew you had cared about me. You loved me and had tried to see me. Before, I’d always believed you’d left without a backward glance.”
“Never. I missed you constantly, cried myself to sleep most nights. So did Adam, though he’d probably never admit it.”
“You asked me about such mundane things. Was I keeping up with my studies. Barring the pig from the house. Little things, just the kinds of things a mother would concern herself with, if she were there. Through the letters, you wanted me to feel your presence.”
“Yes. To think you did not see them when you most needed to…”
“In a way, perhaps I can appreciate them more fully as a grown man. They mean so much to me now, probably more so than they would have when you wrote them.”
“And yet I hoped they would comfort you at the time I left.”
“You wrote to tell me about the baby. How did you bear it?” Hugh reached out and grasped his mother’s hands.
“I held close what I had. My other son. And my mother and father were still living then and were a great comfort to me.” Tears welled from Deborah’s eyes. “I told myself I would not cry, but I can’t help it, dearest.”
Hugh was fighting back his own tears. “No matter. I came to apologize for judging you so harshly these many years. Can you ever forgive me?”
There was a silence for a moment, and then she said, “All that matters is that you come back to us. To Adam and his family, and to me. We love you. We’ve missed you so. There is nothing to forgive.”
Hugh pulled out a handkerchief, and after blotting his own face, offered it to his mother. “I want to be part of this family.”
“And that is what we want. Hugh, I hope you don’t mind, but Adam told me I have another grandchild. May I meet her?”
He chuckled. “Lili. You’ll love her. I thought she would look like Eleanor, but miraculously, she resembles me.”
“Eleanor Broxton? Do you have plans to wed, dear?”
Hugh sobered. He certainly did, but was that what Eleanor wanted? She was keeping him at a distance, and he wasn’t sure how to recover what they’d had before he found out about Lili. “I love her, Mama. I intend to propose, but I’ve wronged her in too many ways to enumerate. I mean to do whatever I can to make up for my sins and persuade her to marry me.”
“If you love her, you’ll find a way.”
“I wish I could be sure.”
“There are many ways to show your love, Hugh. You’ll sort it out, if it means so much to you.”
He nodded. When Adam and Cass arrived home, they found Hugh and Deborah still talking, dark head and light close together, in the drawing room. Kit’s nursemaid brought him in, reminding Hugh of Lili. And Pippa, Cass’s younger sister, who lived with them, also made an appearance.
But in the main, Hugh’s thoughts were fixed in Haslemere. During dinner, he asked Cass about toy shops. He wanted to bring Lili a surprise. He debated whether to do the same for Eleanor, but decided against it. He did not believe he could sway her with trifles.