I could leave now. Hold my head high, walk down the stairs and straight out of this house. I’ve paid my respects, shown my face. Nobody would think it impertinent—I doubt they’d say anything even if they did. The way Ellis’s white shirt is stretched taught over his shoulders is clouding my judgment about the sensible thing to do in this situation. I’m ashamed to be checking him out, even if it is only from the back. Internal struggles aside—I kind of hate that he looks so good. His navy suit pants fall perfectly from his narrow hips, and it pisses me off. Where does he get off looking like an extra from a GQ shoot at a damn wake?
I rushed upstairs the second I’d heard his voice. I knew it immediately, like somehow he’d been whispering to me in my sleep, subconsciously making sure I’d never lose the memory of his timbre. I didn’t wait for confirmation that my mind wasn’t playing tricks—I bolted. Now I’m paying the price. Like every ditsy female character in all of the horror films we used to watch as kids, I ran upstairs to escape danger. It’s ironic that Ellis and I used to laugh and shout at my mom’s TV that the dumb busty blonde should run for the door, not the stairs. It never crossed my mind that one day I’d do the same—or that I’d be running from him.
1990
“Why’d you bring him here?” I’d asked. Trying to inflict a hissing tone while whispering was surprisingly challenging and useless, it seemed, because Jake didn’t pick up on the irritation in my voice—or he did and chose to ignore it.
“He’s come to watch a movie with us,” he answered, patting my head as he maneuvered himself around me and into the family room.
Older brothers can be both a blessing and a curse. On the one hand, you know they’ll always have your back when it matters; on the other, they like to torture you.
Ellis was standing in the doorway watching me. He was pretty perceptive, picking up on my mood—unlike my moronic brother—and he had the audacity to look like he was enjoying it. Jared called out from the kitchen, and Jake thrust the movie at me before patting me on the head again, even though he knew how much I hated it. I didn’t like feeling belittled, and every time he did it I wanted to scream, but my brothers thrived on getting a rise out of me. If I showed him how much I actually hated being patted like an obedient pet, they’d do it twice as often.
“Set it up, Peewee. I’ll go see what he’s shouting at,” he said, passing me on his way out of the room.
Ellis moved out of the doorway to let him by and then strolled up beside me as I knelt waiting for the VCR to buzz to life.
“Have I done something to upset you?”
His breath tickled my ear as he leaned in close, waiting for my reply. I couldn’t turn my head to look at him; he was too close, and it made my tummy want to flip. Have you ever noticed that if you get too close to a cat, their hair stands on end? That’s the effect Ellis was having on me.
“You know what you did,” I hissed, and he took a welcome step backward.
“Um, no, actually I don’t. I called round to see your brothers, and you shot me. I don’t think I’ve missed anything, so I don’t get how I’m supposed to know what it is I’ve done. You’re gonna need to be more precise.”
He tucked his hands loosely into the front of his hoodie as he shifted from side to side. I noticed he wasn’t smiling anymore; he looked a little confused, worried even.
“You were laughing at me,” I relented. “I was upset and trying to apologize, and you were standing on your porch, smirking at me while my mom was scolding me, I don’t—”
“No, I wasn’t!” he shouted over me with a hefty amount of indignation.
“Sure you were. I saw the way you were watching me as we left. And the smug little waves you keep doing every time I look out my window. It’s not nice to tease someone when they’re grounded. Especially when it’s all over a mistake. I didn’t try to shoot you, ya know! Although, now I kinda wish I had.”
I shoved the cassette into the VCR and stood, finally turning to face him properly. He was gaping at me like I was some kind of crazy person. It bugged me. The couch groaned as I threw myself down and then scurried as far over to the corner as I could.
“Movie’s in, guys!” I shouted to my brothers.
“I wasn’t laughing at you, I swear,” he murmured.
I looked up from the television to see Ellis moving to come sit by me.
“I was pissed that you shot me for about two minutes before I realized it’d made you cry,” he said with a shrug. “I actually feel kinda sorry for you.”
I didn’t know how to respond. I couldn’t tell if he was lying. It didn’t seem like he was, but then I didn’t know anything about him. I’d always been pretty easygoing—I liked making new friends, and I’d never been as cold toward someone as I was acting towards Ellis. My parents raised us better than I was behaving and I swallowed the realization like a bitter pill. Ellis was new in town, and all I’d done up to this point was be mean.
“What’s with all the smirking then?” I bit out, angry with myself more than him.
“I don’t understand. I’m not trying to… It’s, it’s just my face!”
When Ellis Hughes grinned, he was magnetic; he pulled you in with an invisible force. I was powerless not to mirror it. “Well, you should maybe work on that.”
“Work on my face? How am I supposed to do that?” he asked.
When I didn’t answer, he sat back, making himself comfy. I liked boundaries, but he didn’t seem to respect personal space at all. He positioned himself only inches away from me, even though there were five other seats he could have chosen—each with more room.
“Tell you what, Peewee—”
“Don’t call me that!” I cautioned.
“Fine, sorry. Tell you what, Harlow,” he said widening his eyes as he exaggerated my name. “Why don’t we start over? I’ll pretend that you didn’t almost kill me, and maybe you can try and act like you don’t hate me already.”
“I—”
“Hi, I’m Ellis Hughes, and I just moved in next door. I’m from Montana, I don’t know anyone here, and I could use a friend.”
He held his hand out for me to shake and was smiling so wide it almost looked menacing. I swatted it away before my brothers walked in.
“You’re weird,” I told him. “But I guess we can start over. I’m Harlow Stevens, and I’ve lived in this house my whole life. I’ll be eleven on July 4th, and I’m in 5th grade. Jared and Jake are three years older than me, and they won’t think twice about kicking your ass if I ask them to.”
“Wow, okay. Please don’t ask them to. The 4th is my birthday too, how awesome is that? We’re the exact same age, I guess that means we might be in the same class at school—I start Monday.”
“Harlow, you let the movie start!” Jared interrupted, barreling into the room and dropping down opposite us, depositing a huge bowl of popcorn on the coffee table.
“I’ve got it,” Jake told him, dropping two sodas between Ellis and me, snatching up the remote and pressing to rewind.
“What are we watching, anyway?” asked Ellis.
“IT,” Jake replied. “Horrors are Harlow’s favorite.”
The sofa bounced as Ellis bolted forwards. “What!” We all watched his eyes widen, bugging right out of his head. Ellis turned, giving me a skeptical look. “How is this is your favorite movie? Don’t your parents mind you watching it?”
The twins busted out laughing at the panic in Ellis’s voice.
“They don’t mind. I watch what the boys watch. Why? You’re not scared, are ya?” I teased.
He looked over at the twins and then squared his shoulders and leaned back. “Course not.”
“Good.” I smiled. “Jake, press play.”
I have to admit the film wasn’t on for very long before it began weirding me out. I don’t think I’ve ever been able to look at a clown without shuddering since. However, I did better than Ellis. He watched most of the film from behind one of my mom’s scatter cushions. Even Jake looked a little freaked out, although he’d rather die than admit that he’d been scared.
Jared disappeared, and I assumed he went to go refill the popcorn, but he’d been gone way longer than it took to walk to the kitchen. I was trying not to squirm as I watched the demented Pennywise terrify some poor boy when I noticed a flash of color pass behind me. Then all hell broke loose at the sight of the clown screaming from behind the sofa. Jake shrieked, scaring the living hell out of Ellis and me, and we jumped from our seats in a frenzy. The clown grabbed my arm and Ellis yanked me free, pushing me behind him before punching the frizzy green-haired fiend in the throat. Only it wasn’t a murdering, psychopathic, killer clown that he’d hit. It was my idiot brother—now gasping for breath and slumped over the coffee table, wheezing.
A few flustered seconds went by before we realized what had just happened and cracked up with laughter. Jared didn’t seem to be smiling, but it served the moron right for trying to frighten us. Jake couldn’t stop chuckling that Ellis had throat-punched him, and I’d been too busy trying to not hyperventilate to do anything other than watch the scene unfold.
“You alright?” Ellis finally asked me. The soda that was resting beside him had spilled all over his pants.
“Better than Jared.”
My brother was still rubbing at his neck and coughing as though he were about to spit up a lung.
“Thank you for saving me,” I told him as I smiled sheepishly. I may not have been in any real danger, but it would be a lie if I said I wasn’t at least a little impressed that Ellis had tried to protect me.
And just like that, we became best friends.
Weeks turned into months and months into years. Each year that passed our friendship grew stronger.
“They’re as thick as thieves,” I’d hear my mom tell her friend Jade as they’d sit sipping coffee at the kitchen table. Ellis was my saving grace; as the twins neared the end of high school, they spent more and more time hanging out with girls their own age rather than entertaining their little sis. If I hadn’t had Ellis’s friendship, the day they both left for college would have been beyond devastating. Not having them around the house had felt as though I’d lost a limb, but I could always count on Ellis to soften the blow.
Until the summer of 1994, that is—that’s when things began to change.
The pond water felt like acid in my eyes, mixing with the mascara I’d stolen from my mother’s room. Each time I blinked it burned to holy hell, and of course, that only made me blink more. It was an unforgiving and torturous cycle I couldn’t seem to break. Treading water while trying to rub your eyes is surprisingly more complicated than you would first imagine, like rubbing your tummy while patting your head. Not impossible by any means, just strangely confusing.
A welcomed second of respite gave me a momentary glimpse of my hands—streaked watery black with the stupid mascara. I panicked, thinking if my hands look this grubby I shudder to think what my face looks like. I took a deep breath and let the cold water rush over my head as I held still, letting myself sink. The instant I was completely submerged, I began frantically rubbing my eyes, hoping to wash away the evidence of my insecurity.
This was all Molly Parker’s fault. I was sure of it as I’d broken through the surface again, taking a huge gulp of air. In reality, it wasn’t her fault at all, but it made me feel a little better apportioning at least some of the blame on her. If anything, she was actually completely innocent, and my predicament was my own doing.
Admitting that stung almost as much as my eyes had. Molly, with her stupidly shiny glossed lips and long lashes. She’d mocked me unknowingly with her perfectly poker-straight hair and a distinct lack of any freckles. Who did she think she was, being all perfect like that? I’d never paid her much attention; appearances were something that I’d never given any mind to until I overheard Elliott and Ellis talking about her.
Elliott Roberts was in our homeroom at school, and friends with Ellis. They were in a few classes together, and although he would sometimes hang out with us, I hardly knew him. We’d been skating in the board park when I happened upon Elliott describing what he thought of Molly, and for reasons I didn’t want to admit to myself, instead of rolling on by, I hovered behind them listening for Ellis’s response. What he thought of me had never been an issue, but unexpectedly, what he thought of another girl had me more than a little curious.
My stomach tightened as I held my breath waiting, straining to hear what they were saying.
“She’s pretty, I guess,” Ellis said.
Elliott scoffed, “You guess? Ellis, she’s the best-looking girl in our year—look at her.”
“I am,” he shrugged.
“Check out her eyes; it’s like she undresses you when she’s looking at you, the way they’re all smoky and stuff.”
He fake shuddered in delight, and my head had immediately whipped over to where Molly was standing, talking with a group of girls. It moved right on back to the boys when Elliott added, “And look at her boobs, they’re huge.”
He was right with that: for a fourteen-year-old, Molly looked much older than her years. Everything about her was more advanced. She was taller than most other girls our age and had hips that swayed when she walked. I quickly scanned my own chest, realizing that I looked every bit the fourteen-year-old that I was.
“Yeah,” Ellis agreed, smiling. His voice had been laced with appreciation, and it made the blood boil in my veins, and my back stiffen.
The idiot actually sighed, and that did it. The shock of him checking out a girl’s boobs made my shoulders sag, and my foot slipped off my board. If I’d been loitering at the bottom of the ramp eavesdropping, it wouldn’t have been an issue. My foot would have found purchase on the concrete, and I’d have had enough time to straighten my features, act a little less affected by what I’d just heard. But, I wasn’t at the bottom of the ramp—I was at the top.
My foot slipped, and all that greeted it was air; standing so close to the edge was not a well-thought-out plan. My body lurched sideways, the board flipped, and suddenly I was weightless.
Films will sometimes slow down a fight or crash sequence, letting you take in all the elements around what’s happening, elements you’d no doubt have missed in real time. Falling backward was like that. It was as though someone had pressed “slow” on a remote, letting me take in what was happening in fine, agonizingly embarrassing high-definition detail.
I gasped. Ellis and Elliott’s heads turned sluggishly, their smiles slipping as their mouths formed O’s, their eyes widening. The crash of my board echoed against the ramp, the sun shone in my eyes, and Ellis moved forward shouting my name. Once my butt hit the smooth, curved ramp surface life flicked the “fast” button. The skate park became a blur of blue sky streaked with gray concrete and blonde wood, as I pin-wheeled my way to the bottom.
I came to a stop with a painful thud.
When I was sure I could open my eyes without tears escaping, I took a deep breath and looked up. The whistles, cheers, and sounds of laughter from the guys mixed together and hung heavy in the air while someone shouted, “Did you see Stevens wipe out? Epic!”
I rolled to my side, trying to catch my breath as Ellis skidded down onto his knees beside me, moving my shoulder back to see my face.
“Damn, are you alright?” His eyes darted from left to right as he scanned my whole body, head to toe, and then back up again.
I groaned out a “Yeah,” before sitting up gingerly. Physically, I’d been a little winded and was sure I’d have some pretty impressive bruises by the next day; nevertheless, I was okay. Emotionally? I felt like I was dying of both embarrassment from what I’d overheard, and humiliation from taking a fall while stationary. I was certain my cheeks were colored with an unconcealed, mortified heat.
“Seriously, you didn’t fall so good…you sure you’re alright?”
I wanted to cry, and I didn’t think it was from the fall. He was staring right at me, his hair falling into his eyes and I had to look away to lie.
“Totally fine, just embarrassed,” I squeaked, standing up and dusting off my butt. I was not fine, not even close. But he looked pleased with my answer, the concern in his eyes shifting to humor and a small smile tugged at the corner of his mouth.
“Harlow, you fall like a girl,” he laughed and raised his fist for me to bump.
I didn’t leave him hanging; in fact, I punched my fist into his with way more aggression than necessary. Not that he noticed.
“I am a girl!” I huffed, and it was probably the first time in my life that I’d actually acknowledged it. I looked over to Molly and then bent to collect my board with a strange feeling of jealousy uncurling in my veins.
The next morning I pulled on my jean shorts, spent twice as long brushing through my crazy hair before tying it back in the sleekest ponytail I could manage, and raided my mom’s dresser. I painted a ton of black mascara onto my blonde lashes and then applied a slick of soft pink lip gloss, then scrubbed it from my lips when Jake walked past the room and gave me a wide-eyed gawp that had me second guessing what I was doing. I’d left the mascara on, though, and I secretly quite liked how it framed my eyes and made them look twice as big. That was a stupid mistake.
“What’s wrong with your face?” Jared laughed as he swam over to me and out of the drop zone. Ellis took a leap; the branches moaned as the rope swung high above us, and he fell into the spot Jared vacated. I looked back to my brother, whose eyes were narrowed and peering diligently at my own.
“Are you wearing makeup, little sis?” he smiled, teasingly.
“Does it look bad?” I asked swiping my fingers under my lids. No matter how much I wiped, they came away covered in black—I didn’t get it.
“Why the hell are you wearing makeup to swim in the pond? There’s only us and… Wait, are you trying to impress someone?” He beamed at me, and then I was embarrassed on top of being partially blind.
“Don’t be stupid!” I shrieked. “There’s only you two morons,” I quipped, tipping my head in Jake’s direction, “and Ellis. I was just trying it out.”
“Riiight,” he said. “You’re way too young to be wearing that stuff, and you don’t even need it.”
I missed my brothers like crazy while they were at college. Sure, they’d only moved an hour away and came back most weekends for Mom to do their laundry, but it wasn’t the same without them at home. I had Ellis, but increasingly I hadn’t wanted to tell him the things that were going on with me. I didn’t have a problem confiding in the twins, but Ellis was different suddenly.
He’d grown much taller than me, and he wasn’t the skinny ten-year-old I’d first met. His chest and shoulders were getting much bigger. When he walked out in his swim shorts, I didn’t know where to look—he had abs! How had I not known that he had abs? And when his eyes flicked fleetingly to my chest in my bikini, my whole body set on fire.
It was all I could do to run and leap in the pond as fast as I could. He’d never looked at my boobs before; or if he had, it certainly wasn’t with any kind of appreciation. I told myself I was silly; he was my best friend, and he fancied Molly. I was probably just imagining things.
The late afternoon sun was glinting off the surface of the water, and between the glare and my makeup fail it was becoming increasingly hard to see.
“What are you guys talking about?” Ellis asked swimming towards us. The water made his gold hair look almost brown; only he could look good doused in murky pond water.
“My sister wearing makeup to swim,” Jared answered him. Jake swam up from behind and before I had a chance to move, my head was being pushed under the water. I broke the surface a moment later spluttering and ready to wage war on him.
“It’s a good look for her, don’t you think, guys? You can see less of her face when it’s covered in that black gunk,” Jake sniggered.
I watched in amusement as Ellis cupped his hands and thrust a giant surge of water over his head. Jared seized the opportunity to lurch forward and dunk him, saving me the hassle.
“Don’t listen to him, Harlow,” Jared huffed, trying to hold Jake’s head under as he flailed his arms out wildly, splashing us all in the process.
“He’s right, you don’t need makeup, H, and I like being able to see your face.” Ellis reached out and wiped under my eyes, catching me off guard. It was an innocent gesture; he’d touched my face and hair a million times before, but this time felt weird. It was different.
“Are you two having a moment?” Jake tormented me with the question as he escaped his assault. Jared quickly halted Ellis’s attempts at dunking my brother further, pinning him with what I assumed was a warning glare.
I’d never witnessed Ellis move so fast; the sudden jerk of his retreat caused a significant ripple to race across the pond.
“Don’t be stupid, it’s your little sister!” he said with a shudder that hammered the point. He was most positively repulsed by the thought of my brothers thinking he liked me. Jake’s laughter broke the tension, and Ellis’s words broke my heart.