The thing about grief is that it manifests and affects people in different ways. It doesn’t even have to be death that elicits the grieving process, just loss. When my father died, I mourned him in the way you might expect a daughter to mourn a parent. I was acutely aware of his infidelity, but the emotion and anger it caused were soon squashed under the crippling weight of the sadness, knowing I’d never get to see him again. I understood the grief I was feeling, it made sense to me. What confused me was the way I could never grieve Ellis; I had no outlet for that particular sorrow. I couldn’t let my mother watch me pine for the person that took her husband. I couldn’t talk to my brothers about how much I missed the man that had stolen their dad, so I internalized—I shut down. Once it was clear that Ellis had no intention of speaking with me, or ever letting me visit, I locked my melancholy and heartache up and buried it deep inside me. I refused to talk about missing him with my therapists, and slowly over the course of the years, I tricked myself into believing I didn’t miss him.
I hoped that standing under this scorching stream of water would wash some sense back into me but it hasn’t. Taking a shower usually clears my mind but it’s failing tonight. Knowing Ellis is right next-door has clear blown the locks off the chest where I’d packed my feelings for him. His being here has left me completely exposed, too sensitive, and too raw. The heat of the water isn’t enough to chase away the chill bumps that cover my body whenever I think about him, how much I hate him for leaving me, and how badly I want him to stay. How badly I want him, period.
I don’t need to ponder the notion that there’s a relationship between sex and grief. It’s a well-documented opinion, even if it’s a little taboo. In much the same way that people turn to or from food or alcohol, sex is merely another appetite at your conscience’s disposal to either be suppressed or magnified. It seems that in a cruel twist of fate, the latter is proving true for me.
It’s not surprising if I really think about it. I’d fallen for Ellis the same way a person falls from a height. Once you’ve slipped over the edge it’s over and you’re gone, tumbling powerlessly, knowing that the only thing left to do is pray you survive the fall. Plenty of movies feature estranged couples stricken and overcome with lust when they reunite. It’s a typical reaction—or at least that’s what I’m letting myself believe. Wanting Ellis, even after all this time, is my body’s way of responding to the sudden flood of anguish that’s hit me.
I turn into the spray and let the water cover my face. I’m not a bad person for missing his touch, I tell myself as I let my mind drift. I’m only human.
1998
My mother has always maintained that patience is a virtue, and the best things in life are worth waiting for. I have to give her credit; although I like to think of myself as a well-balanced individual, patience is one quality I’ve struggled to practice my whole life. I like moving forward, I’ve never been the girl who takes things slow. But when it came to Ellis, I’m grateful that for once I listened to my mom.
The first time Ellis broached the subject of sex, I could quite easily have agreed to take that step with him, and it would have been the wrong time. I was constantly battling my conscience in a lust and hormone-fueled fog. I’d wake up one morning and be absolutely convinced that I wanted to have sex with him. It would be all I could think about. But, then there were days where I’d obsess over taking the next step to the point of inducing a panic attack. What would my parents think of me if they found out? What if I became that one dreaded statistic—the teenage girl who ends up pregnant even though she’s on the pill?
I was in love with my boyfriend and couldn’t imagine wanting anyone more, but it wasn’t enough to quiet my fears. We weren’t ready in any sense of the word. Our relationship, though strong, was far too immature. We spent many nights sitting out on the jetty behind his house talking about what we wanted from each other. When it came down to it, we agreed that it wasn’t just a need to fulfill a physical urge that was driving the conversation—we wanted to feel a deeper connection. It would have been more than easy to fall into bed with each other; things with Ellis were always easy and natural, but sex has a way of complicating situations.
I remember the day Jared came home from college looking like he’d seen a ghost. He broke down in front of my mom the second she asked if he was okay. I don’t think I’d ever seen Jared cry out of sheer turmoil until that night. A former one-night stand had shown up at his dorm claiming she was pregnant, and that the baby was his. I remember the look of disappointment on my mom’s face and the utter helplessness on my brother’s. Three weeks later, the girl contacted him and told him it was a false alarm, but I’m pretty sure the stress alone of the whole debacle had aged him ten years overnight.
Ellis and I had made a vow to abstain from sex until we were both confident that we were ready, but decided that if sex was our end goal, we could have fun exploring everything else that came before it. I never realized that talking about it would turn us into insatiable animals. Once we both knew that it was eventually going to happen, the anticipation, along with our sexual tension, skyrocketed. What began as fooling around and exploring each other’s bodies became so much more. Touches turned to caresses; kisses became embraces and lust evolved into love. We eventually decided that we were ready, and it was a day neither of us will forget.
It started off like any other Saturday. Mom and Dad were packing up the car to drive to their favorite old Inn at Sea Breeze. They’d been going every year since they began dating, and usually, my brothers were drafted back home to make sure I didn’t burn the place down. This was the first time I’d been allowed to stay by myself. Honestly, I don’t see why one tiny kitchen fire when I was thirteen had been held over my head for five years.
“Morning, beautiful,” Ellis crooned as he stepped onto our porch and caught hold of my belt loop, pulling me into him for a hug. His six-two frame dwarfed my five-five as he dipped his head to kiss the top of mine. He was wearing cargo shorts and his faded red hoodie that had been through the wash so many times it was almost coral-colored. He rocked back and forth on his heels looking like the cat that got the cream, making it far too obvious that he was excited to see my parents leaving.
“Morning, buttercup,” Dad deadpanned as he carried Mom’s bag to the trunk of the car, doing his best to ignore our PDA. Dad and Ellis had a great relationship, given that they were both maddeningly infatuated with the Wilmington Wildcats—our school’s hockey team. Dad was a former assistant coach, and Ellis was our school’s starting center. If they started talking plays or stats, I knew to make other plans because they’d go at it for hours.
“Two whole nights,” he whispered into my ear, sending a shiver down to the base of my spine. “I get you for two whole nights.”
“Shush!” I admonished in a whisper-shout. Having your father suspect what was likely going to happen between you and your boyfriend was one thing, having him overhear that his suspicions were founded was not something I wanted to occur.
“Morning, Ellis.” My mom brushed passed us on the porch carrying a blue striped beach umbrella that had definitely seen better days. She off-handed it to my dad at the car before skipping back up the steps and giving me a kiss on the cheek.
“You have the number of the Inn—it’s stuck to the refrigerator, and there’s plenty of food in the cupboards. Oh, and for heaven’s sake, Harlow, make sure you have Ellis close by if you attempt any cooking on the stove. I’m sure you guys will stay out of trouble while we’re gone,” she said looking at Ellis’s hands still resting on my waist.
“Relax, Mrs. Stevens, I’ll take good care of her.”
The double meaning of Ellis’s words wasn’t lost on me, and by the look on my mom’s face, she hadn’t missed it either.
“They’re eighteen!” my dad called from the car. “Leave them be, Dianne, we need to get on the road. Oh and Ellis…”
“Yes sir?” he called back.
“I know where you live.” I’m sure Dad’s facial expression was his attempt to look menacing, but it looked more like he was experiencing stomach cramps. Mom shook her head at him and rolled her eyes.
“Okay, we’re off. I’ll call later.”
Ellis and I watched as my mom climbed into the car and my parents each waved a hand out of their windows as they descended from our drive.
“So, should we just get naked now or wait a little while?” Ellis teased.
“I’m good, thanks. But, if you want to sit naked while Molly and I study for our English Lit final next week, feel free.”
His groan was kind of adorable. “Are you serious? She’s coming over?”
“Yeah, but only for a couple of hours, max. She’s acing that class, so I’m not going to turn away her offer to help me study. Besides, we have a whole weekend together. Two hours won’t kill you.”
His pout told me that maybe he thought it would.
Molly and I had become friends over the past two years since we shared most of our classes. We still had relatively little in common, but I think that’s what made our friendship work. We were chalk and cheese—had differing opinions on everything from music to fashion to politics. Not that I had the first clue about anything political, but Molly did. Behind her bubblegum pink lip gloss and teeny, tiny midriff exposing t-shirted exterior—she was ridiculously smart. When Molly first started coming over, I thought my mom would about burst with happiness.
“It’s not normal to have no female friends,” she’d said once while we were at the mall. She was looking over at a group of girls sitting at a table in the coffeehouse we’d stopped at. I’d insisted that she buy me caffeine if she were going to drag me around any more stores. “I never had lots of girlfriends, but a select four or five. We did everything together,” she carried on. “Shopped, hung out. You always spend your time with Ellis and his friends. I never see you talking to any girls.”
“They’re not only Ellis’s friends,” I’d replied, “they’re my friends too, and we all like the same things and have fun. So what if they’re guys?”
She’d huffed and dropped the subject, sipping on her latte instead. I looked over at the group of girls that had caught her attention; they didn’t seem to be doing anything that I didn’t do with the boys. They were talking animatedly and laughing, just like I did with my friends, and I didn’t feel like I was missing out on anything. Even if my Mom seemed to think I was.
“I’ll take more pizza.”
Ellis’s scowl was etched across his ridiculously handsome face. I’d never seen his clear blues look so stormy. Molly had reached across the kitchen table, snatching up the last slice of pepperoni, and Ellis used the distraction to give me the “why is she still here” glare. A couple of hours had turned into all morning and most of the afternoon.
“Molly, what time are you heading home? Harlow and I have plans.”
His attempt at subtlety left little to be desired. Molly looked over at me sheepishly.
“I guess we did get carried away. Let me finish up.” She gestured to her pizza and soda. “I’ll get going in five.”
I kicked Ellis’s shin under the table.
“No hurry,” I told her. I half wanted to invite her to stay, just to get back at Ellis for his rudeness.
“So, what do you have planned?” she asked.
“It’s a surprise,” Ellis answered, winking, and I could literally feel the blush crawl up my neck and heat my face.
“Oh…well, have fun,” she fumbled, loading the textbooks she’d brought with her into her backpack at an insane speed. I walked her out, feeling like she knew all too well the surprise he had planned.
Molly barely made it down the porch steps before turning and flashing me a megawatt smirk. “I expect details,” was all she said as she walked across the grass, making her way home.
My neighborhood was the kind of place where nobody bothered to lock their doors, and everybody seemed to know everything that was going on almost as soon as it happened. I stepped back into the house, locked the front door and drew the curtain across the window. I didn’t need anyone popping in to check on me and catch me with my pants down—metaphorically or literally.
“Finally!” Ellis appeared at the entrance to the family room. His grin was crooked, and his eyes hooded as he looked me over unashamedly. His tall frame filled the door as he leaned casually against the mount, crossing his bare feet at the ankle. What was it about a guy with bare feet? It should have grossed me out, but instead, it did the opposite. It’s like the strange voodoo trickery men do by wearing a dress shirt and rolling the sleeves up, instantly making them appear ten times hotter.
I padded over to him, lifting on my tiptoes and tilting my head, waiting for him to bend down so I could kiss him. I intended it to be a peck, a quick, chaste apology for spending almost the entire day ignoring him while I studied. Molly and I had been on a roll and effectively left poor Ellis to fend for himself. He disappeared for a couple of hours mid-morning; no doubt the boredom had gotten too much for him.
His answering kiss wasn’t fleeting, though, nor was it chaste. It was a deep, passionate toe-curling kiss. The type you see in romance films that cause the girl to pop her leg, fairytale-princess style, and sigh. I wanted to melt against him as his mouth moved over mine, his teeth grazing my bottom lip. I couldn’t pop either leg because suddenly they didn’t even feel like my own.
“Wow, what was that for?” I asked pulling back to take a much-needed breath.
“I missed you.”
“I’ve been right here all day, how can you have missed me?” I asked incredulously.
His blue eyes sparkled as he scooped me up from the floor like I weighed nothing at all. I may have a small frame and the kind of figure that could have me mistaken for a twelve-year-old boy in the right lighting—but weightless I was not. I wound my legs around his waist as he linked his hands beneath my butt, resting me on his tight narrow hips. He liked to pick me up to kiss me; it saved on the kinks in his neck from having to bend.
“I haven’t really spoken to you all day, and you were sitting there with a pencil stuck in your hair, chewing on another while reading. It was unreasonably arousing.” He wiggled his brows, and I laughed. “All I’ve wanted to do all day is get you on your own, so I could do this.”
I didn’t have time to ask what “this” was. His mouth was hot against my neck, dragging slow, damp kisses down and across my collarbone, sending a swarm of butterflies wild in my stomach. It’s not as though Ellis and I hadn’t explored each other’s bodies before. There had been two years of exploration and conquering firsts. This time was different. This time held the promise of sex, and even though I was madly in love with my boyfriend, trusted him implicitly and wanted more than anything to take this final step—nerves still overtook me.
“You’re trembling?” he whispered.
I looked at Ellis’s face, the familiarity of his bright blue eyes, framed by impossibly long dark golden lashes—they were soft and adoring. He looked comfortable and confident like we weren’t about to cross a line that could never be stepped back over. I couldn’t help being a little envious of his seemingly natural state.
“Aren’t you nervous?” I asked, letting a little of my usual bravado slip.
“Of what? Being alone with you? Harlow, we’ve been alone a million and one times before now. There’s really nothing to be nervous about. I’m not going to suddenly pounce on you or make you do anything you don’t want to do just because we get to spend the night together.”
His smile was evident in the soft tone he was using with me.
“Okay, but let’s be real, Ellis—we’re about to lose our virginity tonight, and you know it,” I blurted. “You don’t look even the slightest bit apprehensive.”
He removed one of my arms from around his neck, still resting me on his hip. I watched curiously as he placed my palm flat against his chest, and over his heart.
“Does that answer how unaffected you seem to think I am?” he asked.
I held my breath for a second, registering the way his heart was swiftly fluttering beneath my palm like a hummingbird’s wings. That’s all the reassurance that I didn’t know I needed. I instantly felt a little of my tension dissolve.
“I can’t speak for you,” he confessed, “but I don’t feel like I’m about to lose anything. It can’t be defined as a loss when it seems so much like all I stand to do is gain another piece of you.”
I didn’t know at that moment whether I wanted to laugh, cry, or kiss the heck out of Ellis Hughes for being sickeningly perfect.
I went with the kiss.
My stomach tightened in anticipation as he shifted his stance and began to carry me up the stairs toward my room, never once breaking the kiss our lips were locked in. He lowered me onto the bed and slid on top of me, framing my face between his forearms. Every part of my body was suddenly very aware of the fact he’d laid me down on my bed. Excitement and nerves caused a shiver to race across my body. The look of pure reverence in his eyes mirrored what I’m sure he must have been able to see on my own.
“I want to give you everything, be with you always, you know that, right? You know how much I love you?” he asked, leaning in to kiss the tip of my nose.
I nodded, emotion clogging my throat. My pulse was racing frantically as I waited for him to touch me. I’d never craved it so much, and yet I was trembling as though it were something new, not something I’d already experienced.
His hands found the button on my shorts, popping it open with adept fingers. I watched him as he carefully removed my shorts, pulling them all the way down my legs, and then running his fingertips back up over my thighs. My body was on fire. We’d been in this position before, but knowing where it was leading this time had my blood coursing like lava through my veins.
I wanted him on a whole new level that I never realized existed. The sexual tension between us was palpable, and I was almost at breaking point.
“I’m so in love with you,” I whispered as he pressed his body back down over me and his lips found mine. I moaned as his tongue slipped into my mouth, and I pulled him as hard against me as I could. Our kiss was only interrupted when I scrambled to remove his shirt up over his head, and he did the same with mine.
My body tightened in anticipation as I realized he’d managed to remove the remainder of his clothes while I was apparently caught up in a kissing-induced haze. My head was screaming that this was really happening, and I closed my eyes, trying to contain the elation building. I felt his weight lift from me, then heard the telltale sound of a foil packet being torn. His palms spread over my stomach, causing my eyes to snap to his face. I watched as he bit the corner of his lip and dragged his fingers lower over my abdomen. His breath hitched as he hooked my underwear and removed them.
“You’re sure?” he whispered against my neck, burying his face into the crook of my shoulder.
I slid my hands up his back and around over his shoulders, making my way up to cradle his face, loving the warmth and weight of him on top of me.
“Positive,” I smiled.
“I love you,” he whispered fixing his hand under my thigh and lifting it to rest against his hip. “So damn much.”
He pushed into me without warning, not giving me time to worry about the logistics of what was supposed to fit where. The sound of his breath catching was drowned out by my startled cry of his name.
His body pushed deeper before he paused perfectly still. “I’m sorry if that hurt,” he panted, trembling, as he remained poised above me. He dipped his head to kiss my forehead. “Are you okay?”
Tears pooled at the corners of my eyes, and I needed to blink rapidly to clear them away. I nodded. “It’s fine, I’m fine.” I breathed shakily.
“You’re crying, Harlow. Baby, we can stop,” he whispered, as worry rapidly clouded his demeanor.
“No, honestly, I don’t want to. I’m okay.”
His face softened, a lingering sense of hesitance still there. I rocked into him, the movement so slight I wondered if he’d miss it. His lips parted with his intake of breath and the way his eyelids almost fell closed confirmed that he hadn’t.
“Tell me what you want me to do. If you want me to stop I will. I’d never…”
“Ellis, keep going.”
I smiled as he cradled my face and began to kiss me, slow and steady at first, matching the rhythm of his hips, only stopping when he moved his mouth to my ear to tell me how incredible what I was doing was, or how much he loved me. It didn’t take long for our bodies to fall into synchronization. Our kisses deepened, soft caresses became hurried and breathless along with our tempo.
Our movements turned into an insane war of crashing lips, and wandering hands, hard deep thrusts, and gentle strokes. I could feel his heartbeat thundering against his smooth, hard chest each time he leaned over me. I didn’t know if I wanted him to speed up, slow down, or mix up the two, but when his hand slid down between our slick hot bodies, it was game over for me. There were too many sensations to handle, and I was dizzy as my body gave into Ellis’s touch.
I’d thought about what our first time would be like a lot over our relationship, wondering how it would play out, where we’d be, if I’d enjoy it, if he would. I never considered that I’d feel even closer to him just by making love—but it happened. I didn’t contemplate for a second that instead of closing my eyes, I’d watch him in the exact way he was watching me. Feeling so in the moment that I wished I’d be able to memorize every touch he pressed into my skin, every little movement, and each meticulous detail of our lovemaking.
My body lay heavily on the mattress as I tried to control my breathing and calm the erratic drum beat in my chest. My limbs felt tired and cumbersome. I’m no stranger to romance novels and movies, so I figured I’d only need a minute before we were ready for round two.
The whole fiction-versus-reality thing didn’t work out for me. I was still out of breath a full five minutes later, and fighting against my too heavy eyelids that wanted so desperately to close. I conceded that I was no romance heroine, made my peace with it, and nestled down deep onto Ellis’s chest, knowing that at that precise moment in time, I was right where I belonged.