I wake up sore in all the right places, sated and more comfortable than I can remember being in forever, and for a second—just one delicious instant—I forget. I forget to be sad, and that alone is something to rejoice.
In our haste to make it to bed last night, I never drew my curtains, and the early morning sunshine is making me pay for that mistake now. It’s entirely too bright, and I can’t quite open my eyes properly against the light. I take a minute to soak up the feeling of waking with Ellis pressed beside me. For so long, I struggled with falling asleep alone. I wasn’t used to not sharing my bed, and the empty space beside me served as a painful reminder that my life was irrevocably different. I still sometimes fix the pillows to mimic his form.
It’s not like I haven’t been with other men since Ellis. I even managed a four-month relationship last year with a guy called Max, whom Molly’s husband Ben had set me up with. He was smart and funny and sexy, but it still wasn’t enough. He was perfect on paper, but I couldn’t make it last. They all felt like a poor man’s replacement. Then add to that the whole issue of not knowing if I could ever have a proper future, one that included a family. My heart isn’t strong enough to withstand a pregnancy and who’d want to hitch their wagon to a prospect as damaged as me? I still dream of what it would be like to lace up my shoes and go for a run, or throw myself out of a plane skydiving, even go rock climbing, and know that my body would allow me to do it. That’s all they’ll ever be now, dreams.
The absurdity of my situation is that I was prepared to die. I’d finally managed to wrap my head around it until Ellis reminded me what it feels like to live. I want those things now, and I want them with him. And this isn’t fair.
I turn in his arms, my nose brushing against the warm skin of his chest, and I’m completely surrounded by his smell. I inhale deeply letting my lungs fill up and bask in the comfort of it. When my eyes open, Ellis is watching me. His face is relaxed but pensive.
“Morning, you.”
“Morning,” I reply, my voice still raspy with sleep.
He lifts a hand and gently traces the back of it across my cheek. I can feel his stare in every nerve ending across my body. Slowly, he moves forward, never looking away, and presses his lips on top of mine. There’s nothing hurried about his kiss, it’s slow and deliberate as if he wants me to really feel it. I do; I feel it all the way down to my toes and back up again. The tip of his tongue runs against my bottom lip, and I let out a soft moan at how wanted he makes me feel. No one has ever been able to kiss me the way Ellis does.
He rolls me onto my back, leaning over me and bracing his weight on one arm as he drags his hand unhurriedly down the length of my side to my hip, and gently squeezes. He pushes himself closer and whispers against my lips, “Let me make love to you.”
I grab a fistful of his hair, and soft sighs turn into needy moans. Our caresses grow into greedy hands, squeezing and touching. I struggle to drag in enough air between kisses, and my panting is dizzying but oh, so worth it. He’s kissing every part of me he can reach as he settles himself where he needs to be and then completely steals my breath, claiming me in one swift thrust.
I gasp into his mouth as my whole body reacts, tensing entirely. His kisses become needier and his eyes are glazed. He almost looks tormented, like he can’t get close enough, kiss me hard enough, and it spurs him on more fiercely. I’m so breathless and lightheaded that all I can do is surrender myself to him.
I curl my hands into his hips, pushing my fingers so deep into his skin that I’m sure it’ll bruise.
“Ellis,” I whimper. “Oh, God.”
“I love you,” he whispers back. “Always.”
I bury my head deep into the crook of his neck and my reply is muffled against his hot damp skin. There are spots in my vision, and for a moment I think I might actually faint. I grip Ellis harder, trying to stop the spiraling, and he groans as his body trembles against mine. His back stiffens, and he stills for a second and then he’s shuddering through his release as I sink deeper into the mattress, and fall a little more in love.
He slowly lifts himself from me and onto his back, one of his hands finding mine and lacing our fingers together while the other quickly swipes at the wetness under his eyes.
“I’m not going to be around today,” he says softly, staring at the ceiling. “How come?”
His eyes fall shut when he answers. “I have some important business at work, I can’t put it off.” He opens his eyes and turns to look at me. “I’ll be thinking of you the whole time, though.”
I smile as he places a quick kiss on my forehead, and then sigh. I don’t want him to go.
I must fall back to sleep after he leaves because I’m woken later to a shrill beeping and an empty bed. I lean over, blindly hitting the top of my alarm clock. The damn thing doesn’t stop, so I sit up, rubbing the sleep from my eyes. I reach for the power cord and pull it from the socket, but the beeping doesn’t relent. I pause in confusion, and it’s then I realize what the noise is: the pager that Dr. Butcher gave me is flashing at the side of my bed. My heart jolts in my chest, and my pulse begins to hammer in my temple.
“Oh my God!” I whisper shout into the empty room.
I jump from the bed and immediately reach for my phone with a shaken smile on my face. There’s only one person I want to call. One person who understands what this means through everything that’s happened—from my past to the present—and what this means for the future.
I pick up my cell, and I dial Ellis.
“True love stories never have endings.”
– Richard Bach