Sadie
MY DOORBELL RANG just as I finished brushing my teeth. I wiped my mouth, careful not to smudge my quickly fading makeup, and rushed for the door. Pulling it open, my breath left my body at the sight of Ryder standing on my porch. My word, he was gorgeous. “Hi.”
“Damn it, Sadie, you should have looked through your peephole.”
I was a little taken aback at his irritation. “Who says I didn’t?”
“Did you?” he challenged with a frown.
“Well, no, but I knew it was you.”
“No you didn’t.”
“Yes I did.”
“You would have if you’d looked through the peephole, but you just admitted you didn’t, so, again, I say, no you didn’t,” he returned.
“Ryder, it’s a safe neighborhood and I don’t have a whole lot of visitors. Hence the reason I had to put your name at the gatehouse.”
“Sadie, it doesn’t matter. You’re not at the abbey anymore.”
I crossed my arms. “Um, Ryder?”
“Yeah, babe.”
“Grown adult here. Wanna try that again?” I managed to speak, even though the way he’d called me ‘babe’ made me shiver.
He dragged his hands through his hair. “Will you promise me you’ll be more careful in the future?”
I rolled my eyes. “Wow.”
“Shit.” He shook his head. “Ah. Sorry.”
“Sorry because you cursed or sorry because you don’t know me and you’re being needlessly bossy?”
He gave me the sexiest little smile. “Both?”
I shook my head. “Maybe this wasn’t a good idea.”
“Wait. Sorry. Seriously. I’m wrapping my mind around you not bein’ a nun anymore, not to mention the fact that you’re sexy as hell.” He shook his head. “Gotta admit, I’m kinda feelin’ like I’m goin’ to hell for lookin’ at you that way.”
Well, that was nice... in a weird way.
“You think I’m sexy?” I didn’t mean for that to come out so breathy... darn it! “I mean...”
He smiled. “Can we start over?”
“Sure.”
I moved to close the door and he laid his hand on it. “What are you doing?”
“Starting over,” I said.
Ryder laughed and let me close the door. He knocked again; I looked through the peephole and then opened the door. “Hi.”
“Hi,” he said. “You look beautiful.”
“Thank you.” I took in his dark jeans, motorcycle boots, and a back-ribbed long-sleeved T-shirt, and forced myself not to sigh. “You look nice as well.”
He grinned. “How hungry are you?”
“Starved... you made me stop eating my ice cream.”
“Well, I better feed you then.”
I chuckled and grabbed my purse, following him to his truck after locking up. Ryder held the door open for me and waited while I got settled before heading to the driver’s side. I clicked my seat belt and gripped the handle.
“You okay?” Ryder asked as he started the truck.
“Yep.”
“Yeah?” He nodded toward my hands. “You expectin’ me to crash?”
I sighed. “I’m not a fan of cars.”
“You don’t have to be scared, Sadie. I’m a good driver.”
“It’s not you,” I rushed to say. “My parents were killed in a car crash when I was eight and I have some residual issues because of it.”
“Shi—sorry.”
“No, I think that’s the accurate word.” I sighed. “I appreciate that you’re being sensitive to me being an ex-nun, Ryder, but don’t feel like you have to change because of that. I can handle swearing, evidenced by the fact I love anything Quentin Tarantino.”
“Even Pulp Fiction?”
I blushed and admitted in a whisper, “Especially Pulp Fiction.”
“Are you this new breed of women who love all those detective and murder shows?”
“Like FBI files and stuff?”
“Yeah.”
“Is this a new phenomenon?” I asked.
“Yeah, apparently so.” He chuckled. “Women are the largest group watching.”
“Guilty.” I giggled. “Another thing I should go to confession for.”
“I think as long as your love of murder and death stays in the fictional world, you’re good.”
“You could be right,” I said. “Do you go to confession?”
“No. How often do you?” he countered.
“I’m guilty on that front too.” I sighed. “I haven’t been for a really long time. I think it’s one reason why the Reverend Mother said I wasn’t cut out to be a nun.”
He pulled to a stop at a stoplight and faced me for a second. “How do you get away with not going to confession as a nun?”
“Well, I think when you’ve known your church priests since you were eight, the anonymity kind of disappears.”
“How did you end up at the abbey to begin with?” he asked, driving toward the bridge to Portland.
“Divine intervention?” I joked... sort of.
“Yeah?”
“My mom’s aunt is the reverend mother and she was... is my only living relative. Child services had no issue placing me in her care for obvious reasons, and she has been amazing. She has so many stories of my parents and helps keep them alive for me. Plus I never felt like I was a burden.”
“I see why you settled into the nun life.”
I raised an eyebrow. “Mother used ‘settled’ as well. I guess I just didn’t really see it.”
“What about now? Do you see it?”
“Yes, I think I do. I’ve never fully fit in the nun world. And although I feel a bit like a fish out of water in this world, I feel more like me.” I smiled. “I can watch Tarantino and not feel like I have to apologize to anyone.”
“Except me.”
“You don’t like Tarantino?”
He chuckled. “I’m more of a Notebook kinda guy.”
“Seriously?” At his expression, I smacked his arm with a laugh. “You almost had me.”
“Gotcha to stop grippin’ that handle, though.”
I gasped and reached for it again. “How did you do that?”
“If I told you that, I’d have to kill you.”
“Nice.”
Before I could remember I was afraid of cars again, Ryder pulled up to a restaurant in the Pearl. Serratto. “I’ve heard this place is amazing.”
“It’s a favorite.” He turned off the truck and climbed out, jogging to my side to open the door.
“Thanks,” I said, and took his hand to maneuver down from the height of the truck.
He laid his hand on my lower back and guided me through the side door, where a young woman greeted us and led us to a table. Ryder held my chair and then took his seat before the hostess handed us our menus.
“What’s good?” I asked.
“Everything.” He chuckled. “The boar pasta is my favorite, but really, you can’t go wrong with anything on the menu. Do you want some wine?”
“I’ve never tried wine,” I whispered, feeling like I was talking about something taboo.
“Right.” He smiled. “No problem.”
“That doesn’t mean I wouldn’t like to,” I admitted. “What would you suggest?”
“How about I order a glass of Merlot and see if you like it? If you don’t, I’ll drink it.”
“Do you like wine?”
“Yeah.” He shrugged. “I prefer beer, but wine’s good in the right situation.”
I set my menu down. “Like now?”
“Exactly like now,” he confirmed.
“Perfect.”
The server arrived and I took a mental inventory of my budget, deciding I had enough for the tenderloin, but not quite enough for the salad as well. I ordered the steak and the waiter walked away.
“I can hear you thinking,” Ryder said.
I shook my head. “Sorry, just doing mental math.”
“Why?”
“Because I don’t start my new job for over two months, so I want to be careful.”
“Sadie, you’re not paying for this.”
I frowned. “What?”
“Dinner.”
“Why not?”
“Because it’s a date. I’m payin’.”
“It’s a date?”
He chuckled. “Yeah, Sadie, it’s a date.”
My heart raced as I laid my shaking hands in my lap.
“Why do you look horrified?” he asked.
“I don’t look horrified.”
He raised an eyebrow. “You look a little horrified.”
“I’m not.” I sighed. “Really. I’ve just never been on a date before, so this is a bit of a learning experience for me.”
“Stick with me, kid, I’ll be your Obi Wan.”
I couldn’t help a quiet giggle. “But Obi Wan and Luke didn’t date. In fact, didn’t Obi Wan skip out early and pawn him off on Yoda?”
“Am I dating a secret nerd?”
I shrugged. “I don’t know how secret it is.”
“You realize you just confirmed we’re dating.”
“What?” I gasped. “No I didn’t.”
Ryder gave me a sexy smile. “You kind of did.”
“Didn’t.”
“Did.”
“Holy mother of...” I didn’t really know why this banter was irritating me, but it was. “No, I didn’t.”
“Okay, Sadie. You didn’t.” He raised his hands. “I was kidding. Didn’t mean to piss you off.”
“You didn’t.” I sighed, feeling ashamed. “Ryder, I’m sorry. This is all really new and you kind of make me feel off-kilter.”
“Yeah?”
I nodded. “Can we start over?”
He chuckled. “Need us to walk in again?”
“I think we’re good.” I forced myself to relax. “I really am sorry.”
“Don’t worry about it, Sadie. I get it.”
I pressed my lips into a thin line. “I don’t know if you do.”
He ran a finger over the tablecloth as he studied me. “Well, I’ve never been an ex-nun, but I do know what it’s like when you’re drawn to someone but you don’t really know where you stand.”
“You do?”
“Yeah, Sadie, I do. I’m feeling it right now.”
A quiet snort escaped my lips. “Ryder, you can’t be serious.”
“Why not?”
I cocked my head. “Because you’re you.”
“What the hell is that supposed to mean?”
“You’re a confident, good-looking man, who owns what I’m guessing is a successful business, which means you’re used to dealing with people... reading them. At least, I assume you are.” I shrugged. “I’m an ex-nun, used to dealing with fourth graders. We’re not really on the same playing field.”
“Babe, I’m used to dealing with the rough kind of people. Salt of the earth, but still a little rough. You, on the other hand, are this sweet, innocent, and wholly polished beauty of a woman. Believe me when I tell you, I couldn’t be on the same field as you, because you are way the hell out of my league.”
Well, that was unbelievably sweet.
“Ryder.” I felt my blush all the way to my neck.
“I like you, Sadie, so let’s just try to forget about the differences in our backgrounds and get to know each other, okay?”
I nodded. “Okay.”
He grinned. The server arrived with a glass of red wine and he slid it toward me so I could try it. I did not like it.
While I did my best not to show him that, his laugh indicated I had failed... miserably. “That bad, huh?”
“Sorry,” I whispered.
“It’s no biggie.” He sipped the wine and then leaned forward a bit. “So, tell me why you’re not a nun anymore.”
“I’m not sure I know, honestly. I mean, I think it was the right decision, but now I’m not sure what my life’s going to hold.” I wrinkled my nose. “That sounds dumb.”
“No it doesn’t. You’re in a transition period. For most folks that’s part of life.”
I couldn’t help but give him a sad smile. “I’ve been avoiding being part of the masses, I think.”
“Yeah?”
I nodded. “My world stopped when my parents died, but not in the way it does for some, or at least I don’t think so. I’ve always been pretty happy and even though I missed them, I’ve never felt the hatred I was warned about.”
“The stages of grief, you mean?”
I shook my head. “No, I’m pretty sure I went through those, but maybe the way a kid does. My aunt sheltered me from a lot of it. I had a couple of interviews with some policemen, but then nothing, and when I turned eighteen, I became a nun and went to school, sure of what my future held. Well, until four months ago when my aunt said it was time to move on.”
“Kind of harsh.”
“It wasn’t. Not at all,” I countered. “Auntie was right pushing me out of her nest, as she says, so now I think I’m in a bit of a let’s see stage. I start my new job at the beginning of September, which means I have at least a couple of months to settle in. I’m kind of excited and nervous at the same time.”
“An eternal optimist.”
I smiled. “I’ve been called that before, so it’s probably true.”
“Still, it’s gotta feel like a different world. You got any plans to help you adjust?”
“Well, my friend Laura—the one who bailed on me that night when I showed up at your bar—invited me to a girls’ night with her and her best friend on Friday. I’ve never had a girls’ night out, unless you count praying with ten other nuns in the church at midnight mass, so that’ll be a new experience.”
Ryder chuckled. “Yeah, I’m thinkin’ it’s gonna be a little different.”
“Oh my gosh, I hope so. I wasn’t a very good mass prayer.”
“No?”
“No. My mind wandered to things like dinner... or lunch... or breakfast. Or The Walking Dead. And believe me, it’s not really a good idea to be thinking about zombies when you’re praying, especially when you’re hungry.”
Ryder dropped his head back and laughed. “No, can’t imagine it would be.”
“What about you? What’s your story?”
“Pretty typical one, really. Deadbeat parents, sister who OD’d, yada yada.”
I gasped. “Truly?”
“Yeah, but it’s all good now.”
I felt like he wasn’t telling me everything, but I also didn’t feel I could pry. It wasn’t really any of my business, but I was dying to know more.
“Did your sister die?” Nosiness won out, despite my best of intentions.
He grimaced. “You know, let’s drop this shitty subject. More about you. You buy a car yet?”
I studied him for a few seconds and then let him have his secret. I shook my head. “I don’t need a car.”
“Sadie, you live in the burbs now, you should really have a car.”
“Nope, I’m good. Besides, I don’t have a license, so there’s no point.”
“You don’t know how to drive?”
“No.” I smiled. “But I don’t really need to know.”
“I’ll teach you.”
“You’ll teach me to drive.”
He grinned. “Yeah. I’m a great teacher.”
I shook my head. “No, it’s fine. I’m happy to take the bus.”
The food arrived and I was glad for the reprieve in our conversation. Dinner passed quickly and before I knew it, it was time to go. Ryder had to get back to the bar and I had... well, I had nothing to get back to, but I didn’t tell him that.
He took my hand as we left the restaurant and headed to the car.
“Ryder!” a man called.
We turned at the sound of his name and a tall, dark-haired man (who looked a little familiar) jogged towards us. Did Ryder know anyone ugly?
“Cam?” He released my hand and chuckled. “Where the hell have you been? I’ve left a shit-ton of messages.”
They did their man-hug thing and I stood on the sidewalk feeling like an idiot.
“Just got back from Savannah. Sorry, it was last minute and I didn’t have signal.”
“What did you find?” Ryder demanded. Cameron glanced my way and Ryder suddenly remembered I was there. “Right, sorry. Cameron Shane, Sadie Ross.”
I reached out my hand and he took it, his head cocking slightly. “I know you.”
“You do?” I asked.
“Yeah. Just not sure how.”
“She used to be a nun,” Ryder provided, taking my hand from Cameron’s and linking his fingers with mine.
“Yeah?” he said, and gave Ryder a weird grin.
“Yeah.”
“Oh, wait, do you sing?” I asked.
He nodded. “Yeah.”
“I think we met when we did the Reach Portland weekend.”
Cameron nodded. “Right. You’re part of the Beaverton Abbey.”
“Yes.”
He grinned. “I never forget a face.”
Cameron was a worship pastor for a local church and he was amazing. “You’re very talented,” I said.
“Thanks. I appreciate that.”
“Right, so we should get going,” Ryder rushed to say.
“No problem.”
“Swing by for a beer sometime,” Ryder said.
“Thanks, man, I will. An hour good?”
Ryder glanced at me. “Make it two.”
Cameron nodded and then smiled at me. “Sadie, it was great to see you again.”
“You too.”
Ryder turned me away from the handsome man and back toward the car.
“I’m really sorry if I’ve rushed you,” I said.
“You haven’t.”
“I haven’t?”
“No.”
“Wait, what?”
He squeezed my hand. “He thought you were hot.”
“What? The man’s a pastor,” I argued.
“So pastors can’t find women hot?” Ryder countered.
I tugged on his hand, pulling him to a stop. “For argument’s sake, because I really think you’re insane, what if he did think I was attractive, why would that matter?”
“Because it does.”
“That’s not really an answer, Ryder.”
“It’s gonna have to be for now.”
I bit back a reply because I really had no idea if I could say what I thought, or if what I thought was even normal. He was acting possessive and (if I was being honest) I liked it, but it also put me on edge. I decided instead to stay silent and process everything when I was alone.
“What?” Ryder asked as he held the truck door open for me.
“Nothing.”
“I don’t play that game, Sadie.”
“Huh-uh. You don’t get to do that.”
“Hold that thought.” He shut the door and jogged to his side, climbing in next to me and starting the engine. “What don’t I get to do?”
“You don’t get to play the taciturn card and then demand answers from me. I don’t play that game.”
“Fair enough.” He pulled away from the curb and we headed back over the bridge.
That’s it?
I stared out the window and tried not to over-think things... unsuccessfully. I was sure he’d at least try to come to some form of common ground, but apparently taciturn was the word of the evening. I shook myself out of my melancholy because it truly wasn’t any of my business and he owed me no explanations, so it was irrational for me to even be disappointed. I conceded (to myself... sort of) that all of my feelings when I was around him were pretty illogical because I really liked him. A lot. I’d never felt like that before. Don’t get me wrong, I’d met gorgeous men before, but Ryder sent my world spinning off its axis. I didn’t know if it was because I was finally free to feel romantical or if it was him.
“Sadie?”
“Hmm?”
“I can’t talk to you about a few things, babe, but it’s not personal, yeah?”
“Yep.”
“Sadie,” he said on a sigh.
“What?” I smiled. “It’s fine. I’m not taking any of this personally. Really.”
“Is this a moment where you’re bein’ all female and telling me what I want to hear, all the while planning how you’re going to murder me in my sleep?”
“That’s an exclusively female thing?”
“Pretty sure cats do it too, but they’re typically just waiting until the woman kills you so they can eat your dead body.”
“Wow. You have an imagination on you.” I shook my head. “But no, neither I nor my cats are awaiting your death.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah,” I mimicked.
“You’re sure?”
“Oh, my word, Ryder,” I admonished. “We’ve met once.”
“Tonight’s technically twice,” he corrected.
“Fine. But tonight we only spent a few hours with each other. It’s all good.”
“True.”
He became monosyllabic after our little conversation and it was weird. He seemed to be brooding rather than relieved that I’d essentially let him off the hook. My brain leaned on my psychology experience which helped me recognize that it was him and his process. And since I knew it was him, rather than me, I internally shrugged off his mood while giving myself the same pep talk (albeit, internally) I’d give my kids when conflicts arose.
My heart, though, was another story.
A part of me wanted to argue a little more. A part of me wanted to know his secrets and figure out a way to help. But I wasn’t that person to him, and that kind of made me sad. I really liked him and had felt a connection the first time we’d met. Perhaps it was the sheltered part of me romanticizing things, but there was something here and I wanted to explore it.
We pulled into the parking lot of my apartment building and I reached for the door handle.
“Huh-uh,” Ryder said in a warning tone, and climbed out of the truck.
At least his gallantry didn’t die with his ability to form complete sentences. He opened the door for me and helped me climb down and then followed me to my door.
“I had a really lovely time,” I said as I unlocked my door.
“Me too, Sadie. I’ll call you.”
I faced him and forced a smile. “Sounds good.”
He lingered for a second, studying me, and I watched as his face went through a few expressions. “Right. ’Night, Sadie.”
“Goodnight.” I let myself into the apartment and locked the door, leaning against it to catch my breath. Good lord, he was a strange one.
After removing my makeup and pulling on pajamas, I settled myself on the sofa and loaded up Die Hard. I needed a little action to take my mind off my sudden desire for violence. Maybe Ryder was right... maybe I did want to murder him in his sleep, just a little. I’d have to adopt some cats first though to make his prediction accurate. I shuddered. I hated cats, so that was out.
For the moment, I chose to engage in a little Bruce therapy and, as sleep overtook me, my thoughts of Ryder morphed with Bruce Willis’s balding head and made me smile.