Chapter Twenty

· hilary ·

Ben was more than interested in Renee, he was flat-out smitten. Throughout the photo shoot that afternoon, they chatted with ease, learned about each other, and exchanged phone numbers. My intuition had led me well with those two. The three of us met with her friends at Concrete Cowboy Bar on 6th Street after game night. The music was loud, and the place was packed. Her crew was amusing, laid-back, and welcoming. Drinks flowed in abundance, and for a few hours, I let go of the world around me and escaped by dancing and singing along with the crowd.

Ben and I left at closing time. He escorted me to my porch. The light over the door allowed me to search for my key in my handbag. He smiled as I turned to him. “I needed this, Ben. I had a great time.”

His smile was soft. “It was nice, wasn’t it?”

I nodded. “You and Renee?”

“I’m seeing her tomorrow, actually. I really like her.”

My heart was happy with their future possibilities. They knew what they wanted and charged toward it with enthusiasm. I wished for that self-assurance. “Great. I’m happy for you both.”

Ben tilted his head. “Whatever this thing is that’s going on with you and Zach, make sure you take care of yourself.”

My cheeks flamed. “I don’t know what you mean.”

Ben knocked his head back, laughing. “You’re a terrible liar. And his actions tonight were painfully obvious.”

“We’re not dating,” I dismissed. “I can’t even think about a relationship right now.”

Doubt crossed his expression, but he wouldn’t take it further. “Okay. Have fun, no strings.”

Ben’s warning was noted, and I took the caution to heart. I had Zach on my mind constantly, more than I wanted. It was dangerous and unsettling. I couldn’t give my heart away to him only to have it broken when he didn’t want me permanently.

Ben and I said our goodnights, and I had a feeling I would see less of him. With the cast party around the corner, and the movie wrapped up, he’d be leaving Austin. My hopes were that he’d keep things going with Renee despite the long distance.

The lights were out when I entered the house. No doubt Zach was sleeping after a heavy work week. The creaky sounds of the wooden floor echoed in the dark as I flipped on the light in the living room. My heart leapt, and I gasped as Zach sat on the couch. His legs were splayed in front of him, and he held a glass filled with amber liquid.

“Zach, you scared me.” I clutched my stomach as my heart raced. A week without him felt like an eternity. God, I was screwed. He looked so yummy sitting there, his eyes on me like a hawk. He was freshly showered, but seemed exhausted, the sparkle in his eyes gone.

Over a week. He lived in the same house, and yet, no communication. No texts, calls, notes, nothing. Maybe he’d freaked out over the intimacy we shared. Or maybe he was that busy. Regardless, there was something off with him. I chewed my lip. Had Isabella entered the picture? Was he interested in other women? I tried not to feel hurt about being set aside, but if he was dealing with emotions, I wanted to be the support he could count on.

The silence between us buzzed. He watched as I strode to the kitchen, grabbed the tea kettle, and filled it with water. The simplest motions of grabbing a cup and spoon were meticulous and nerve-wracking as he studied me.

“So…” His voice neared. He leaned his hip against the counter and crossed his arms over his chest. “Did you have a good night out?”

“Oh, we’re talking now?” Resentment exited my mouth as I heard antagonism in his voice. I opened the cabinet and took out the chamomile tea but hadn’t turned on the stove. “I wasn’t sure since you’ve ignored me all week.”

“Yeah, we’re talking. I need to know if you’re sleeping with Ben.”

My jaw dropped at his audacity. He was worse than Evan, although it was nice to know he was affected by seeing me with another man. “What’s it to you? You’re not my boyfriend.”

“I know I’m not your boyfriend, Hilary. I could never be your boyfriend. I need to know because we’re sleeping together and I’m not using protection.” His words were severe but straightforward.

“Oh…” Shock lanced through me as he put me in my place. His concern wasn’t for my well-being, it was for his. I straightened my shoulders and held my head up high. “Well, we haven’t slept together yet,” I stressed, “but I’ll let you know when we do. Is that all you wanted?”

I brushed past him with a resolve to conceal my pain. His large hand wrapped around my arm as he tugged me back. “We’re not done here,” he rumbled. His eyes were dark, his face stern. He was intimidating as he loomed over me, his face so close to mine.

His grip loosened, and his façade softened as he leaned in closer. “I don’t want you sleeping with him.”

My heartbeat raced, my stomach plummeted. I felt the air around us charge, and it was difficult to breathe. He continued. “I don’t want you sleeping with anyone else. Still hang out with him. Be friends. And if you fall in love with him, fine, but in the meantime…I want your body to myself.”

“Zach…” I wanted to tell him this was getting too complicated, but he went on, interrupting my thought.

“If you fall for someone else—Ben, or whoever—we’ll call it off. I’ll make it easy for you.” His hand caressed my cheek, eyes pleading beneath layers of desire, temptation, and passion. It caused unexpected warmth to bloom between my legs. “I don’t want to keep you from living your life, but as long as we’re doing this, it’s just us, kid.”

“Well, shit,” I huffed, unable to come up with a retort. He’d covered the bases. We hadn’t discussed it, but it was clear that when we were fucking, we were only fucking each other. “With your tone at the beginning, I thought I was going to have to put up a fight…but I agree.” My lips inched to a half-grin. “So, now that that’s all cleared up,”—I placed my hand on his chest—“let’s get down to business, Collins.”

His hands clutched behind my head as our lips and tongues collided. My moans couldn’t be contained as I pressed against him, feeling his erection against my stomach. The past week had been hollow without him, and my need to be around him grew every day.

“I’ve missed you,” he muttered between kisses. I sighed at his confession, over the moon that he felt the way I did. My hands fumbled with the hem of his shirt, my willpower gone. “Not here,” he whispered and broke away, fire in his eyes. “The bedroom.”

I jolted toward him. He caught me as my legs wrapped around his hips. Our lips and teeth gnashed as he carried me upstairs. I trembled as he let me go at the foot of the bed and backed away.

He didn’t move, didn’t speak, but his expression said everything I needed to know. His desire was taking over, and he wanted me desperately. My body ached as he reached over and gradually unbuttoned my blouse. I wanted him to hurry, my core pleading for his touch, his tongue, his fingers…him. Instead, he was painstakingly, intentionally slow.

He pushed my shirt down my arms and removed my bra, letting them fall to the floor. My panting increased as he lifted his shirt over his head. I took in the moment, stared at him in awe, and let my hands touch his chest. My palms trailed slowly over every ripple of muscle he’d amassed. I took the time to appreciate his physique, my eyes scanning to the happy trail that led to the snap of his jeans. I studied him as he unbuttoned them and tugged off the denim, finally standing fully naked in front of me.

Buried memories of a childhood crush flooded back. He was the boy I’d fantasized about since I was young. My daydreams weren’t of movie stars, rock stars, or sports stars—they were of the man standing before me. The ones back then were innocent and involved his admittance of love and affection, in no way realizing how intense the physical aspect would be.

My stomach fluttered as my gaze moved to his erection. I ached, needing him inside me, so I stripped off the rest of my clothing. We gazed at one another’s bodies as if we each were a painting in a museum, taking in the beauty before us. Though we’d been sexual many times before, his vulnerability broke through. It was different. He was different.

He pressed against me, hugged me tightly, his skin hot to the touch. My heart pounded, and I could feel his beating just as quickly. He pulled away enough to rest his forehead against mine, our eyes closed. My hands ran through his thick hair in hopes that the tension coursing through him would lessen.

“What is it, Zach? Tell me.”

He shook his head slightly, his breathing erratic as he cursed under his breath. “I want you so much.”

I whispered, splaying kisses over his jaw, “You have me. I’m here.”

There was a concealed pain in his mannerisms as he guided me slowly to the bed. His body hovered over mine, his eyes blazing as he rested his hips between my legs. I could feel him against my entrance, hot and ready, gliding over me, hitting the perfect spot. I gasped as he rocked against it, my hips tilting to meet his.

“I want everything, Hilary. I want all of you,” he said, his frustration growing. I felt the vibration of his moan when I leaned up and licked his mouth, took his lower lip between my teeth and pressed.

“Take it,” I panted as we devoured each other. Our tongues tangled, his mouth dragged from my lips to my neck, down to my breasts, where he paid close attention to them, playing until I was almost to the height of ecstasy. His fingers dipped inside my folds, spreading the wetness and gliding over my clit with perfect pressure. “Oh, God…it's too much, I need you inside me.” I shuddered.

He stopped his movements but kept his position, his eyes never leaving mine. An air of openness seeped from him, and my heart pinched. He was present—not only his body but also his mind, his heart…his soul. He sank inside me slowly, deeply, filling me completely.

“You feel incredible. You’re so perfect,” he whispered as we moved together. I clung onto his shoulders, my legs wrapped around him to push him deeper. His brow furrowed, his heated gaze scrutinized me, searching out my soul. I closed my eyes, blocking him.

I bit my lower lip as budding heat spread over every inch of me. The pulse of him deep inside stirred my brain. My logic couldn't grasp my feelings, the ones taking hold inside my chest, squeezing my heart. I had to ward off silly notions of love. He could never, and would never, be mine. I stifled a sob and felt his warm palm cup my face.

“Don’t hide from me, Hilary. Open your eyes,” he said, his voice gravelly. “I need you to remember every moment.”

The tension twisted to unbearable heights as he increased his pace, taking me higher. “I can’t.” I inhaled and dug my nails into his shoulders as he rocked in and out.

“You can," he encouraged. I opened my eyes, and he watched me with an impassioned, entrancing gaze. He drank me in, every single expression, as he rolled his hips and shoved himself deep within me. His hand slid down to where we were joined, and his fingers played, the motion fast. I couldn’t hold back; my cries rang out as the orgasm shattered me. Convulsions wrung me dry, but he kept his fingers going. The accelerated speed stimulated me all over again. My cries caught in my throat as I tightened again and climbed higher and higher. I tipped over once more, the spasms ultimately draining me of energy. Zach’s thrusts accelerated, then he tensed and let go. His groans escaped through gritted teeth as he buried his face in my neck and climaxed.

His movements slowed as he stayed inside, still pulsing, keeping me full. Our breathing regulated, and I savored being in his arms. Tender kisses and caresses were given, then his nose gently grazed mine.

"Hey there," He smiled. "Come here often?"

I laughed "Lately, I'd say yes, I come on this bed often."

“I gotta find a better pickup line.” He rolled over, tucking me near him so my head rested on his strong chest. He glistened with sweat, his hair was matted, and his lips were swollen from my kisses.

“I doubt you have a problem picking up women, Zach.”

He chuckled and pushed back my ratted-up hair. “Picking up women is easy, finding chemistry with a woman is the hard part.”

I leaned on my elbow to look at him. “Since when have you cared if there was chemistry between you and a woman you were screwing?”

He frowned. “It’s not like I don’t attempt to find a woman I get along with. Part of me wants a relationship.”

I was flustered at the revelation. I wasn’t sure my heart could handle him in a relationship. “You do? But you don’t stick around long enough.”

“Because it’s not there.”

“What’s not there?”

He rested both hands under his head and gazed at me, those emerald eyes sparkling. “That…knowing.”

I huffed. “You believe in that? Mom was just bullshitting us.” My mother always told us that we’d know when we met the perfect partner. She swore it was true, but I didn’t buy into it.

He blinked at me. “Rebecca has great points.”

“She’s divorced, Zach.”

“So? It doesn’t mean she’s given up on the idea of love.” He paused. “Did you feel chemistry, and I’m talking the real deal with Graham?”

“Like, what do you mean?”

“Did he understand you, make you feel good, give you what you needed? Did you go crazy out of your mind for him when he wasn’t there?”

I cleared my throat as Zach pushed back to look at my face. I searched my brain, trying to remember a time when I was truly connected to Graham. “I guess not.”

Only for you. I was an idiot. I wouldn’t allow my heart to get tangled up with Zach. Losing him the way I lost Graham would destroy me in a way that I’d never recover from. He was too important.

“Has he contacted you?”

“A few times. I don’t answer anymore.” He was fading from my memories, being swapped with new ones. I threw myself back on the pillow and looked at the guy replacing them.

“Good girl.” He winked.

Was Zach capable of a real relationship? If so, I couldn’t be that woman for him. Our family dynamic would change. I suddenly hated the woman he’d end up with, and I didn’t even know her. I hesitated before I asked, “So, have you experienced being in love before?”

He smiled at me but didn’t answer.

“Okay, fine. Tell me about your week,” I sweet-talked.

His expression drifted from peaceful to apprehensive. “It’s been crazy.” He gazed at me with remorse. “I wanted to call you so many times, just to hear your voice.”

“Why didn’t you?” My heart leapt with joy as my fingers traced lazy circles on his stomach. He shrugged, stared at me without giving much away. “You can’t disappear on me like that, Zach.”

“I know.” He gave a slight nod.

The shield around my heart kept me safe, but it also locked out hopes of the beautiful opportunities around me. I couldn’t let him affect me and stop me from meeting new people. “This is supposed to be fun, stress-free, but I still think we should communicate properly.”

“I get that, Hilary. I do.” He sat up, and I followed, studying the curve of his back, the broad shoulders, and how he slumped forward. His hands ran through his hair as he rested his elbows on propped knees. “I’m trying to work all of this out. You, me, Evan, the restaurant…I’m attempting to fix it all, and I can’t keep up.”

“Not everything fits into a perfect box. Life’s gonna be a fucking mess for a while. You’ve taught me that.” I ran my hands up the plains of his smooth back and massaged between his neck and shoulders. “But for now, stop stressing about it and let’s enjoy each other.” I kissed his shoulder. “Now, tell me what your fantasy woman is like.”

“What?” He laughed and turned back to look at me. “What kind of question is that?”

“I wanna know what kind of woman you fantasize over.”

His eyes gleamed. He laid back and pulled me on top of him. “I like a girl with a nice rack, blond hair, kinda sporty, a little clumsy…”

“I’m not clumsy. I have amazing reflexes.”

“Who says I was talking about you, kid?” My stomach sank, and he laughed, his hands skimming my back. “I’m kidding. And you are clumsy, but just enough that it’s cute.” His head drew toward me, and he kissed my neck as I continued to ask questions.

“What turns you on?”

“You,” he said simply as his lips made their way to my chest.

“No, I’m serious, like, when you spot a certain woman, and you think you want to take her home for the night. What is it about her that makes you decide ‘that’s the girl?’”

“It’s not one thing in particular.”

“Answer the question, dork.” I drew away from him. “What makes you take a woman home for the night?”

His kisses stopped as he spoke hesitantly. “I generally went for the girl I knew was the sure deal.”

I swallowed, keeping away judgment. “Why?”

“When they’re desperate, it’s easier to justify letting them go. No entanglements.” I was a sure deal for him that night before Thanksgiving, yet he’d wavered. If Evan weren’t my brother, I’d have been like every woman in his past. Replaceable. My expression tipped him off. “I’m an asshole, Hilary.”

“No, you aren’t. Your heart’s just a little battered.” I placed a kiss on his chest over his heart. “Mine is, too.”

He glanced at me with a glossy glare and seemed as if he wanted to say something. Instead, he rose and went to the bathroom, leaving me in deep thought.