Chapter Twenty-One
Hannah
“Will you talk about it?” I ask.
I sit down next to him on the couch, my hand resting in his lap. He stares straight ahead, not reacting to my touch at all. I sigh, not sure what to do. He’s been like this for two days.
The first thing I did when we got back to his place after Nash, was call Lily. She had no idea what had gone on in the last twenty-four hours, and I needed to make sure she was okay looking after Anna. I thought Declan needed some time alone to come to terms with all of this. To say Lily was shocked would be an understatement.
“How is that even possible?” she whispered when I told her. “This has consumed his whole life. I can’t even imagine how confused he must be feeling.” She stops. “How are you?”
“In disbelief,” I admitted. “I’m relieved. I love him, Lily. But I’m not sure we can get through this. I don’t know what he wants.”
“I don’t think he even knows what he wants,” Lily replied. “I knew there was something going on between you two. I could tell by the way he looked at you.”
I flush, glad she couldn’t see me through the phone. “I’m glad he found you, Hannah. Please don’t give up on him yet. He needs you.”
“I’ll never give up on him,” I whispered. My eyes glazed over. “I just hope he doesn’t give up on me.”
“Where are you?” I ask. I touch his arm wishing it was something I could do. He glances at me.
“Honestly, I don’t know. I’m still in shock, I guess. It’s a lot to process.”
“How can I help you?” I ask softly.
“You can’t.” He shakes his head, clearly upset. “I’m sorry, I know this is hard for you too, but I just can’t get my head around how much this changes. And then I think about what choices I’ve made and I wonder whether it really changes that much. Does that make sense?”
“You mean your faith,” I ask. My heart races. More than anything, I want him to choose me, but I want him to choose me because he wants me, not because he feels bad.
He nods. “The whole reason I became a priest was because of the guilt I felt over what I did. To find out that I didn’t do it in the first place …” He laughs bitterly. “I don’t know. I guess I feel cheated. And then I feel bad about feeling that way because when it comes to serving God I shouldn’t have an agenda. This shouldn’t change anything in that respect.”
“But does it?” I whispered.
He turns to me, his eyes pained. “I don’t know.”
“So,” I wet my lips, forcing the question out. “Where to from here then?”
“I don’t know,” he mutters again. He sits forward, hunching over, his hands in his lap. I study him, trying to figure out what he’s thinking.
“Did you mean what you said?” I whisper. “When you told me that you loved me?”
“You know I did,” he mumbles. “I love you, Hannah, and I do feel like I don’t belong in the church after this, but … I feel bad about that. I’ve been trying so hard to convince myself that I’m not a fake, that I was doing this because it’s who I wanted to be and not because I was trying to make up for something in my past. This just reinforces how shallow I am.”
“I don’t think you’re shallow.”
“I’m disappointed in myself, and on top of everything, I still committed a crime by sleeping with Amanda.” He laughs bitterly. “I can’t win.”
“Don’t do that, Dec. Don’t tear yourself apart over the past,” I whisper. “You’re the only person Anna has. Don’t take that away from her too.”
“But what if she’s better off without me?”
“Do you really believe that?” He doesn’t answer, so I sit forward and take his hand in mine. “Declan, you’re an amazing father. That little girl means the world to you. Those are the two things that matter. Everything else will fall into place, so long as that’s what you want. Do you want Anna in your life?”
“Of course, I do,” he growls.
“Then step up. Tell her the truth. Fight for her.”
“And what about us?” he mumbles, not meeting my eyes.
My heart races. “Fight for me, too.”
We stand at Lily’s front door. He glances at me and takes hold of my hand, entwining his fingers in mine. I can feel how nervous he is just from how fidgety he is. I’m nervous too, and this isn’t even about me. I can’t imagine how hard this must be for him.
He takes a deep breath and shakes his head as if he’s trying to psych himself up. I want to say something but I know this needs to be something he does for himself. All I can do is be there while he tells them the truth, and hope to God that it goes well.
“Let’s do this,” he mumbles, taking a deep breath.
He knocks on the door and then opens it, calling out as he steps inside. I follow him, our hands still interlocked. We walk into the living room where Lily and the kids are sitting down watching a movie. Lily looks up and smiles. Anna races over and throws her arms around Declan. He laughs and kisses her on the forehead, then smiles as she takes her spot back on the floor next to Henry, her attention back on the TV.
“Hey, I didn’t know you were coming around.” She scrambles to her feet. “How are you feeling?”
“I’m okay. It’s been a hell of a few days. I’m not even sure that I’ve fully processed what happened,” he murmurs.
“Dec, I’m so sorry about everything you’ve had to go through.” Her green eyes fixate on his. “I can’t believe it. All this time and …” She shakes her head. “It’s not fair. Surely there’s compensation you can apply for.”
“I don’t care about the money,” I mutter. “Applying for compensation isn’t getting me my life back. And it’s one thing for me to know that Nash did it; it’s another thing actually proving it. There’s no evidence. It’s basically his word against Tully’s twelve-year-old memory. I just want to forget the past and finally put it behind me. It’s the first time I’ve been able to look forward without something holding me back.”
“So, what are you doing going forward, then?” Lily asks.
He glances over at Anna. “I need to talk to her if that’s okay?”
“Sure. I can take Henry and go—”
“No,” he cuts in. “I want you to hear this too.” Lily looks confused and then shrugs. She stands back, distracting Henry with the promise of food so that Declan can speak to Anna alone.
“Hey,” he grins sitting down on the floor next to her. She smiles shyly at him. I’m so nervous for him. “Good movie?” he asks
“The best,” she says, smiling a toothy grin. I’m shocked, because it’s the happiest I’ve seen her in weeks. I don’t think I’ve seen her smile before today. I hope this news doesn’t set her back. Who knows how she will take it.
“Good,” he says. “I want to talk to you about something. About your Mum.”
“She’s coming back?” Anna asks hopefully.
Declan shakes his head. “I’m sorry, honey, she’s not. I wanted to know how you feel about me looking after you forever.”
“Forever as in forever?” she asks her voice hopeful. “Would you be my new daddy?”
He clears his throat. “Anna, there was a time when your Mummy and I were very close. And then she went away and I didn’t see her again for a long time. When she showed up again, she had you. What I didn’t realize was that you were my daughter.”
“So, you’re already my daddy?” she asks with a frown.
He nods. “How do you feel about that?”
“Happy, I think,” she mumbles, playing with her hands. “Except …”
“Except what?” he asks, concerned.
“I’m scared that if you’re my real daddy, then you’ll end up leaving too.” He lifts her into his arms and kisses her gently on the cheek.
“I’m not going anywhere, okay? I promise.”
“Okay,” she whispers with a smile.
“Good, now go pack your things so we can go home.” She nods and scrambles off his lap, racing into her room. Declan gets to his feet and walks over to where Lily and I stand. Lily stares at him, her eyes wide.
“I had no idea,” she breathes. “How did I not pick up on that? What kind of sister am I?”
“The best sister,” Declan says. “Honestly, Lil, you’ve supported me so much over the years that I couldn’t risk you being disappointed in me.”
“Dec, I could never be disappointed in you. You’re my big brother.” She shakes her head and laughs. “Holy shit, I’m an aunt. Henry has a cousin. This is crazy.”
“Yeah. Imagine how I feel. I’ve got a kid.” His grin is so wide that it’s contagious. He loves saying that.
“So, why all the secrecy?” Lily asks, her brow creasing. I can tell her mind is taking over and she’s trying to work out why he had to hide it from her. “Why would I be disappointed that Anna is yours? She’s an amazing little girl.”
Declan hesitates. “I want to be honest with you, Lil. Amanda was underage when I was with her. I had no idea she was only fifteen, but that’s the way it was. I’m scared that if that comes out I will lose any chance I have with Anna.”
Lily nods. She turns to me. “How do we get around that?” she asks.
It’s the one piece of the puzzle that I’m yet to figure out. Anyone who looks into the case is going to realize how old Amanda was when she had Anna, so any father that comes out of the woodwork is going to risk facing statutory rape charges.
If Declan doesn’t own up to being her father, then he risks his past ruining any chance he has of being with her. The fact that he didn’t rape Cecily means nothing. On paper, he did it. He served time. In the eyes of the law, he’s still guilty.
“It’s complicated,” I admit. “Whichever way you decide to go, it’s risky.”
“What if I apply for custody?” Lily asks suddenly. “How would that work?”
“It would work pretty well,” I say slowly. It was the idea I initially suggested to Declan a few weeks ago. “It’d be much easier to push through, but it’s up to Declan.” I turn to him and study his reaction. “Lily would be Anna’s legal guardian, not you.”
“I don’t care about that,” he says. “I know who I am and I trust Lily to respect my decisions when it comes to Anna’s future. Whatever we have to do to keep her here we’ll do it.”
“Okay.” I nod, a smile spreading across my face. “If you’re sure, then I can get all this happening today.”
Declan glances at Lily, who shrugs and laughs. “Danny is going to kill me, but yeah. Let’s do this.”
I pull Declan aside while Henry and Anna pack up their toys. My fingers creep inside his grasp and I shiver at the feel of his touch. I swallow, knowing what I’m about to say is going to kill me, but I need to give him the option of cooling things with us. He’s going to have his hands full with Anna, and the last thing I want to do is get in the way of that.
“You look serious,” he comments. His dark eyes search mine. “Everything okay?”
“Yes, it’s great.” I smile. God, now I’m crying. I blink back tears, while he cups my face and lifts it to his. “You’re making this really hard,” I mumble.
“What?” he asks, confused. “I thought we were okay. Are you having second thoughts about us?”
“No,” I shake my head. “It’s just … If you want to put us aside for now so you can focus on Anna, I get it. I would completely understand.” My heart races, because I can’t stand the thought of not having him. I’m saying we can just be friends, but in my heart, I don’t really believe that. It would be too hard to be around him.
He laughs, his eyes sparkling. “Are you crazy?”
“No, I just thought—”
“Well, don’t think,” he teases. He leans down and kisses my lips. I close my eyes and smile. When I open them again he’s staring at me. He touches my face tenderly. “I’m not doing this without you, okay? I love you.”
I smile and wrap my arms around his waist.
“I love you, too.”