Chapter Four
Declan
I sit on the floor with Anna in my arms as she sobs hysterically for her mother. My stomach churns. She’s been like this most of the day, switching from being in shock and not saying a word to not being able to stem the flow of tears. I wish I could take all her pain away, but all I can do is be there for her.
“Shh,” I whisper. “It’s okay. I’m here and I’m not going to leave you.” Her tiny hand clutches my arm, as though she’s terrified of losing me too. To most people, it might not mean much; but to me, it’s everything. She has no idea who I am, but I’ve been craving this moment for a long time. Ever since her mother came to me and finally told me the truth.
I was in the church setting out the booklets for the evening service when I heard footsteps. I turned around, expecting to see either Father Brennan or the other priest, Philip. Instead, Amanda stood there staring at me, her eyes wide with anxiety.
“Amanda?” I mumbled. “What are you doing here? I mean, how are you?” What I really want to ask is where has she been.
The last time I saw her was more than seven years ago.
She hadn’t changed at all, and seeing her sent a jolt through my heart. Our moment together was brief, but it still meant something to me. And I thought it had to her, too, but then she was gone. I glanced around, nervous that someone was going to recognize her. I ushered her into the room at the back of the church and closed the door.
My hands shake as I turned to her. I have so many questions, but most of all I just want to know why she’s back. At this point, I don’t even care why she left. She can’t drag her eyes away from the white collar around my neck. I reach up, instinctively touching it. My promise to God.
“You actually did it,” she smiled. Her expression was empty. “I knew you would. I knew you’d make a great priest.”
“What are you doing here?” I ask. “Are you in some kind of trouble?”
She smiled, tears pooling in her eyes. “Because that’s the first thing you think of when you think of me isn’t it? Trouble.”
I felt bad, but there was truth in what she was saying. I couldn’t think of any other reason she’d be back here unless something was wrong. I couldn’t imagine how they could’ve gotten worse though, considering how bad things were when I helped her all those years ago.
“I shouldn’t have come here. I’m sorry. I’ll just—”
“No, you’re here now. Maybe we can go and get a coffee and catch up?” I offered. I’m scared, but the last thing I wanted to do was turn her away if she needed my help.
She nodded gratefully. I grabbed my jacket and shrugged it on, zipping it up to my neck. It was like I subconsciously wanted to hide who I was. Maybe I was trying to avoid my own judgment. I don’t know.
I led her to the coffee shop a few streets away. There were closer options, but I felt the need to hide her away from plain sight. I couldn’t deal with the questions that being seen with her would’ve raised.
We ordered our drinks and then sat down. I was so nervous waiting to hear why she was here.
I regretted taking advantage of her like I did, and if I could go back and change things I would do it in a second. I had a moment of weakness that I’ve regretted ever since. She told me I wasn’t to blame, that she wanted it as much as I did, but I should’ve known better. And then she was gone. I thought we both moved on, but seeing her here, and not knowing why, I’m now not so sure.
“So, is this just a casual catch up?” I asked gently
She laughed, and shook her head. “No, I’m not in the habit of chasing down the men I’ve had casual things with, Declan. I know you’re probably wondering what the hell …” She flushed. “Sorry … what the dang I’m doing here.”
“Well there is that,” I admitted. “Are you in some kind of trouble?” I knew I asked her that before, but she didn’t answer.
“Aren’t I always?” she joked.
“Do you want to tell me about it? If I can help in any way, you know I will.”
“I know you will because that’s who you are.” She smiled. “Listen, Declan, I came here to tell you something, but the last thing I want to do is cause you any trouble. So, if you want me to walk out that door and never contact you again, I’ll do that.”
My heart raced. This had to be serious. What could she possibly have to tell me that would require that kind of warning? And then it hit me. Like a brick in the face. I knew why she was here.
“Amanda, what are you doing here?” My voice sounded strange, even to me. I was struggling to breathe as I waited for her to say what I think I already knew.
“You have a daughter. Her name is Anna, and she’s six. She’s the best thing in my life.” She laughed, blinking back tears. “Not that that would be hard, considering what a screw-up I am. I’m so scared that I’m going to fuck things up and I just needed you to know that she’s there. Just in case anything happens to me.”
“What? What’s going to happen to you, Amanda? What’s going on?” I pressed. I could barely take in what she was telling me. My thoughts were a mess. My mind was all over the place. I have a daughter? Wow.
“I just…” She shook her head. “I just know that things aren’t going to end well for me. There’s nothing you or anyone can do; it’s just the way things are. The cycle of life and all that, right?”
“It’s only a cycle if you don’t want to break it,” I scolded softly. They’re words I’ve said to her before, and it worried me that she was obviously still in the same cycle of abuse that she was locked into before. “Let me help you. Come see me tomorrow at the church. Bring Anna. I’d love to meet her.”
“Really?” She looked at me uncertainly. “Surely she isn’t part of your plan. I mean, are priests even allowed to have daughters?”
“Right now, that’s not important.”
I met Anna for the first time the following day. It was such an incredible moment and one I have never thought I would experience. She is such a sweet girl. As she played in the yard among the flowers I sat down with Amanda and tried to talk to her. She insisted that there was no helping her, and that there was nothing I could do. She begged me to take Anna just for a few hours, so she could try and sort things out.
I agreed. She came back three days later to get her. She left her daughter—our daughter—with me, a stranger. Anna didn’t know anything about me. I wasn’t sure how I felt about that, but at the time, making sure Anna was okay was my only priority. That was three weeks ago. I’d had a few visits with Anna since, but we were by no means close. I longed for a relationship with my daughter, but I never wanted it to be at the sake of her mother.
After what feels like hours, she is finally asleep. I lift her onto the bed and lay her down gently, covering her with blankets. I step back, my heart racing. She looks so peaceful while she’s sleeping. I glance at my phone and sigh. I was supposed to meet someone from the police department half an hour ago at the church. She’s probably left by now.
I creep toward the door and sneak out, pulling it closed behind me. To my relief, Anthony, the other priest at the parish is still in the poky living area, watching TV. I’d asked him to watch Anna while I was gone, but I hadn’t expected it to take this long to even leave the house.
“Thanks for sticking around,” I say, rubbing my neck.
“Of course. She’s asleep?”
“Yeah,” I nod. “Hopefully, she stays that way for a few hours. God knows she needs it.”
“She sounded pretty messed up. It must be so hard after what she saw…” He glances at me, remembering that I found her. “How are you?” he asks, concerned.
I shrug. “Fine,” I say, not meaning it. It was a horrible thing to walk in on and see Anna hovering under the table in the kitchen while her mother lay bleeding to death on the floor. I’m not sure I’ll ever get over that.
I knew something was wrong when Amanda promised to come back to see me, and she didn’t. I tracked down her address through a friend at the police department and went to see her. I couldn’t shake the feeling that something was seriously wrong. All that talk about me being there for Anna if something happened to her; she wouldn’t have said that for no reason.
I arrived at her flat on the west side of the city just after eleven. It was dark, and I debated with myself whether to knock on the door or leave it. There was a good chance that they were asleep and I’d be causing more harm by showing up.
After about ten minutes of internal arguing, I realized that I wasn’t going to be able to relax until I knew that things were okay. I had a daughter to worry about now. This wasn’t just about Amanda anymore.
When I reached the door, it was open. Not all the way, just enough to really amp up the anxiety already building inside me. I pushed it open. I still remember the soft sobs as I walked through the doorway. My heart raced, and my head pounded because I knew I was walking into a nightmare. That’s what it had to be, because real life can’t be this cruel. Real life couldn’t have me walking into this apartment to find my daughter hovering under the kitchen table, crying because her mother was dead, while her killer—the man this little girl thought was her father—sat covered in blood, laughing.
What happened next is a blur. I remember scooping her up into my arms. The police were right behind me. Either the neighbour called them, or it was my friend in the department. I don’t know. Either way, if they hadn’t turned up when they did, I probably would’ve murdered the son of a bitch myself. I’ll never forget the look on his face. The smirk as he puffed a mouthful of smoke into his dead girlfriend’s face.
Anna clung to me; she refused to let go. By the time I got her home, she was asleep, but I couldn’t put her down without risking waking her. She slept in my arms the whole night while I did my best to comfort her.
I walk outside and head back down to the church, hoping this detective doesn’t think I’ve stood her up again today. I couldn’t leave Anna the way she was. I just hope she understands that.
My heart races. I hope I can work something out. So long as they don’t look too far into my past, then there is a great chance she will be able to stay with me. How I’m going to get her permanently, I’m yet to figure out. Admitting that I’m her father isn’t an option, but what if I don’t have a choice? If it comes down to choosing between Anna and who I am, is that even something I need to think about?