Chapter Sixteen

LIAM DIDN’T want to leave. Not right then and possibly not ever. But he had responsibilities, opportunities… he had somewhere to be.

And Ben wasn’t exactly begging him to stay. More like hustling him out the door, really. For the second time that weekend, and it was getting a bit old. Still, how to object without sounding whiney?

“Should I make you coffee?” Ben asked. He seemed far too chipper and cheerful for a middle-of-the-night conversation and leave taking. “I have lots of travel mugs, remember?”

“No, it’s fine. Stay in bed—sorry I woke you.”

“I wasn’t sleeping.” Ben shifted to the side of the bed, keeping the sheet carefully tucked around his waist as he groped for his pants. They were being modest around each other now?

Liam pulled his own jeans on, grimacing as the still-damp fabric slid over his skin. Damn, he wished he’d had the sense to hang them up so they’d have had a chance to dry. But, no, he guessed he didn’t really wish that, because if he’d been calm enough to think of something so practical, it would have meant he wasn’t all that into what he was doing. And he had been pretty damn into it.

He turned quickly, found Ben by the side of the bed, sweatpants on, and took the one step to bring their bodies back close together, back where they should be. “I can come back tonight,” he said, reaching for Ben’s hand.

But Ben pulled away. “Oh. No, I don’t think so. I actually—I have plans tonight.”

“Oh.” Yeah, okay, that made sense. Ben had a life, after all. “So—when? Tomorrow? Because whatever we’re doing here, I want to keep doing it. We should talk it through, I guess. I get that. But when? You must have some time before the weekend, right? Maybe I can hire a car to drive me, and I can sleep in the back seat or something.”

“No.” And Ben stepped even farther back, as far as he could go without climbing right up on the bedside table. “Actually—I’m seeing someone. I mean, I was seeing him, and then we took a bit of a break, but we’re having dinner tomorrow—well, today, now—and I’m pretty sure we’re getting back together. So, you know. This, with you? This was good. It was a good way to wrap things up, right? Leave it all on a positive note?” He smiled, and Liam realized that all the chipper cheerfulness was just an act, a candy coating on a bitter pill.

It shouldn’t have felt so wrong. He and Ben hadn’t been together for fifteen years. All of Liam’s adult life, really, because he’d just been a kid the last time. So this was—it was nothing big. It was a return to the status quo. The aching pit in his gut was imaginary.

“He’s… this other guy… you’re sure? What if it doesn’t work out?” Liam tried to find his own smile and was pretty sure it looked just as fake and desperate as Ben’s. “I don’t mean to wish bad luck on it or anything. But if it doesn’t work, or if you have dinner with him and realize he’s not quite what you’re looking for….”

Ben was quiet for a moment, then looked up and said, “If it doesn’t work out with him, I’ll find someone else for it to work out with. Not—not you.”

“What? Why? I mean, this—” Liam gestured at the bed, as if that was somehow enough of an illustration of what he was trying to say. “This was good, wasn’t it?” But that wasn’t the important part. There were lots of people he could have sex with; there was only one Ben. “We can—we were good, before. We could try it again.”

“We weren’t good. If we’d been good, you wouldn’t have slept around and I wouldn’t have let you. And this, tonight? Sure. Sex. But there’s a hell of a lot more to it than just sex.” He shook his head. “No. This was a nice goodbye. It was a good end to something that dragged out way longer than it should have.”

He started moving, cautiously edging past Liam, who was too stunned to do anything to stop him. “I’ll make you some coffee for the road. And I have some muffins. I’ll give you one of those, and a couple pieces of fruit.” He was heading for the kitchen now, his voice fading as he moved away. “It’ll be like a little car picnic!”

A car picnic. Liam found the rest of his clothes and pulled them on. He had been dismissed. Again. This had been—he had no idea what it had been. He had no idea why he’d come to North Falls, why he’d gotten in contact with Ben, why he’d slept with Ben, or why he felt so damn shitty about leaving Ben. But he was absolutely damn certain he didn’t want Ben’s car picnic. So he pulled his shoes on, found his keys, and walked.

He didn’t sneak; Ben must have heard him coming down the hall, and he must have heard him bypassing the kitchen and heading for the front door. But Ben didn’t turn around, didn’t say anything, and neither did Liam. He just left.

It was over.

It had been dormant, it had started to regrow, and it had been killed. And he didn’t even know what “it” was, exactly.

Didn’t matter, he told himself as he climbed into the car.

The street was still dark and deserted, and he let himself drive a little too fast as he headed out of town.

He was going back to the city, back to reality. Back to his career and his ambitions.

That was where he belonged.

Ben was right. It had been a nice goodbye. Liam had been an idiot to think it could be more than that.

BEN WAS an idiot. He’d known it all along. When he’d stood up on the porch and called Liam to him, he’d known what would happen, and he’d known it would hurt, and he’d done it anyway. Nothing to blame Liam for, not this time. Just his own stupidity.

He went back out on the porch, this time without the blanket that had kept him warm earlier in the evening, and stared into the night. Liam was gone. Ben had told him to go.

Because you had to. Because you can’t have that kind of instability in your life. You need peace, you need calm, you need… Kevin?

Well, that didn’t feel quite right, but there was no denying that Kevin was the path to stability. Kevin wouldn’t show up on Ben’s front walk past midnight on a school night, not unless he’d been invited and plans had been made for how to ensure that everyone still got enough sleep.

Kevin wouldn’t keep Ben up even after they’d parted, fretting and freezing, sitting out on the damn porch without a jacket or a blanket, trying to figure out how to feel about whatever the hell was going on. No, Kevin wouldn’t pull that shit.

Kevin wouldn’t have some weirdass crisis over his parents’ divorce—Kevin’s parents were already divorced, so that was handy—and start digging into old relationships that should have stayed buried. Kevin wouldn’t hang out with Uncle Calvin—well, sure he would, but not without Ben! He wouldn’t sneak around like that.

Kevin wouldn’t cheat.

He wouldn’t leave Ben with a gaping, aching hole in his chest that couldn’t be filled with all the alcohol and casual sex and deep breathing in the whole damn world. Kevin wouldn’t do that.

Liam was the past, Kevin was the future. Or someone else, someone Kevinesque. Kevin was a symbol, not necessarily a man.

No, asshole, he’s a man. With feelings and worries of his own. You can’t drag him through all this if you don’t have a positive attitude.

Right. Okay. Yeah. Ben needed to make sure he was being honest with Kevin about all this. But he had absolutely no idea what being honest would look like.

The cold eventually drove him in from the porch, and he curled up in bed and dozed for at least a couple hours. A massive coffee injection got him as far as midday at work, but by early afternoon he found himself staring at the children in a sort of daze, not really hearing anything they said, and not really caring either.

Unacceptable. He had a sacred responsibility to be at his best for his students, and he had not met his obligation. Not by a long shot. More coffee in the staff room, a vague semblance of attention for the rest of the day, and then home. He probably wouldn’t have even noticed if he’d sideswiped another police car as he drove through town, but there were no flashing lights behind him as he pulled up at the house, so that had to count for something.

He stumbled inside and into bed. He’d take a short nap and be up and ready to go. No problem.

Except the next time he opened his eyes the light was different, the sun almost down, and there was a noise somewhere. Oh. There was someone knocking at the front door. Liam? Come back?

Oh, shit. Not Liam. It was likely Kevin. Because Ben had called him, and crawled a little, and suggested they get together, and Kevin had actually agreed to give it a try.

Ben fumbled for his phone, but it wasn’t in his pocket. A moment of panic, but he’d probably just left it in the car. Or at school. Or possibly he’d tossed it in the trash at some point and put a piece of garbage in his pocket, but he’d treat that as the worst-case scenario.

He rolled to his feet and stumbled to the front door. And there Kevin was on the porch, looking sweet and cute and stable. And a little concerned.

“Are you okay?” he asked. “You weren’t at the restaurant, and I tried to call but you didn’t answer.”

“Jesus, what time is it? How—I’m sorry. I—” I stayed up all last night worrying about a guy and then fucking him and then worrying some more. No, that probably wasn’t the way to go. “I have no idea what’s going on. I’m just really tired.”

Kevin took a half step back. “Are you coming down with something? I just—I have a really busy week. I can’t really catch anything right now.”

Well, that was an easy out. But, damn it, Ben wasn’t supposed to be looking for outs. He wanted this. “No, I don’t think I’m getting sick. I just didn’t sleep well last night.” For reasons that did not need to be discussed. “How late am I? I don’t know where my phone is, and I don’t have any clocks.”

“It’s almost six thirty. With some people, I wouldn’t have worried, but you’re not someone who leaves people waiting. Not usually.”

Right. You’re not usually an asshole. “Sorry. I, uh—what do you want to do? If you give me five minutes I can get organized and we can go back down to the inn.” It wasn’t like they needed reservations, not on a Monday night this early in the season. “Or I can cook for us here. Or if you want to call it off, I totally understand.” But I do not hope for that result. No, I do not.

“No, I don’t want to call it off. I—sure. I can wait five minutes. We can go downtown and start again.”

Start again. Yeah. That was what this night was about. “Great,” Ben said. “Thanks. And sorry again. I—this was a one-time thing, I promise.”

“No problem. Okay if I sit out here while I’m waiting? I missed this porch.”

He missed the porch? Strange, but— “Sure, yeah.”

Ben hustled to the bathroom and splashed some water on his face, brushed his teeth, and looked at himself in the mirror. Kevin. Yay, Kevin!

No butterflies. It wouldn’t have mattered if Kevin had turned around and walked away for good—Ben would have just come back inside, done some grading, and gotten a good night’s sleep.

That was a positive. He was being Zen about this; he was calm and had himself under control. He was a pebble in the stream, or a leaf on the wind, or—whatever. He was good.

And he stayed that way all evening. His cell was in the car, so that was easy. They had a nice dinner at the Welland Arms, getting caught up on what each of them had been up to, with a few strategic exclusions on Ben’s part. And, hell, maybe on Kevin’s part too. That was fine; it was none of Ben’s business. Then Kevin drove them back to Ben’s porch and, after satisfying himself that Ben was absolutely not coming down with something, there was a good-night kiss. A nice kiss, one that Ben knew from experience could turn into nice sex. But neither of them pushed for that.

“We’re going to do better this time,” Kevin said. “We won’t panic, won’t run away from things.”

Well, that was fucking patronizing, considering that it had been Ben who’d “panicked” and “run away” the last time. But he just smiled. He didn’t say, We won’t push for more than the other person wants to give this time, because there was no point to it. They were looking forward, not back.

Another sweet kiss before Ben went inside and closed the door firmly behind him. He checked his cell to be sure there hadn’t been any messages, and he got ready for bed.

And as he lay there in the dark, he forced himself to think about Kevin. Or his students, or Seth and Dinah and the new baby, or the situation in the Middle East—he could think about almost anything, really. Just not about Liam. Liam was the past. Liam was gone.

He turned it into a sort of chant. Let go of the past, embrace the future. Let go of the past, embrace the future. It wasn’t perfect, but it was boring enough that he eventually drifted off. And where his dreams took him? Well, he couldn’t be held responsible for his damn dreams.