Mommy, why are you crying?”

I glance at him in the rearview, watching him kick his feet in the carseat to the tune of the song on the radio.

“Because I’m a little sad, honey.”

“Why are you sad?”

“Well, I guess I wanted something to happen so badly that I let myself be blind to the truth.”

“Huh?”

I laugh a little, sniffing. “Remember when you closed your fingers in the pantry door?”

Roman makes a hissing sound, squeezing his fingers. “Mhm. It hurt bad.”

“Right. And after you did that, did you keep playing with the pantry door like before?”

He shakes his head.

“That’s why you’re smarter than Mommy.”

He giggles.

Once I put Roman down for his nap, I grab my phone and call Callie. I wish I had stayed in touch with her more over the past few years, I just know how badly she would want to help if she saw what my life has turned into. I can’t be a burden on her like that. She has been too good to me to do that to her. I need her advice though, and I think if anyone can help walk me through this, it’s her.

“Hey!” she says cheerily into the phone.

“Do you have a few minutes?” I ask.

“Sure,” she says. “Sweetie, could you go play with that in your room please?”

I hear a faint, high-pitched voice respond in the background.

“What’s up?” she asks.

“I’ve never really asked you about this, but how did you make it work, with Damian, I mean.”

There’s a pause. “What do you mean exactly?”

I sigh. She’s really going to make me spell it out. “I know Damian was involved in some… questionable work. How did you make it work when you knew what he was doing for a living?”

Callie sounds a little reluctant to answer, and starts slowly. “I mean, it has always been a struggle. Normally couples have a point of contention about what football team they root for or who takes the trash out. I guess we just handled our… issue like you would handle any other issue, but the stakes were higher. Why are you asking?”

“Well, I wanted to tell Leo to go fuck himself, but he hasn’t made it easy. And he has been around the apartment some and he’s really good with Roman, like amazing with him. He’s sweet to me, and when we’re together everything seems perfect, until I remember what kind of life he lives.”

“Yeah,” says Callie. “It wasn’t so different with Damian. I think the turning point for me was realizing the violence wasn’t out of anger or lust for power anymore, it was only to protect me. Once I was safe, I was able to see that he had actually changed a long time before I thought he did.”

“But when does it stop? What if I always need protecting? How can I live with myself if I let a man like him into my son’s life?”

“I’m sorry, Jules. I don’t have an answer for you. I think you just have to do what feels right. All I can say is no man is perfect. They are all flawed, but if he’s good with Roman, that counts for a whole hell of a lot as far as I’m concerned. I know you’ll make the right decision.”

I wish I was as confident as she was. Not for the first time, I think how nice it would be to peek ahead into what my future would look like with Leo and see if it’s a mistake. On the one hand, he really might turn himself around for us. On the other, he could bring violence and heartache into my life on a scale unlike any I’ve ever known. But what’s the alternative? I can keep struggling day after day. Falling deeper and deeper into debt, rushing blindly toward a point of no return where we can’t afford rent and child services will come knocking because I can’t afford to put food on Roman’s plate anymore.

Just ask Callie for money. You know she’ll give it to you. Stop being so fucking selfishly prideful for once in your life and ask for help.

“Thanks, Callie. I’m sorry I only seem to call you when I have problems lately. I promise we’ll get together soon just to hang out, no complaining, just girl talk. Okay?”

I can hear the smile in Callie’s voice. “I’d like that. We’ll talk soon. I love you. Okay? I mean that. You know I’m here for you. If it gets too bad you can always come to me.”

Tears well in my eyes. “Thank you. Bye.”

I make a promise to myself, to Roman. If it comes down to it, I really will ask her for help. I won’t let my pride come before Roman. I glance at the monitor and look at his peaceful little face. My little guy. I just want to do what’s right for him. I would’ve turned to my friends for help a long time ago, despite my pride, but I don’t want him to see his mom beg. I don’t want him to grow up thinking that he was raised by a woman who couldn’t even stand on her own two feet. He needs to know that I fought tooth and nail, day in and day out. He needs to know I loved him so much that I sacrificed everything I could to provide for him. That’s how much I love him, and I don’t know if there’s any better way to say it than to keep fighting for him.

I drop Roman off with Lauren and head into work. Even though it’s a holiday for most of the professional world, Ted scheduled me and only me to work today, because a few people wanted to get their sessions in before heading out for the holidays. I’m so far beyond pissed that I can only call it numb at this point. I get out of my car, feeling a cold emptiness in my chest. I have no idea if Ted even plans to pay me anymore, and that’s on the tail of the three hundred dollar paycheck. Bills are piling up and I have no idea how I’m going to pay them. I’ll be given no choice. Quit and lose any hope of ever doing the job I used to love again, or stay and work myself into poverty and destitution.

I’m a few steps from the front door of the office when it swings open. Ted stands in the doorway, wearing uncharacteristically messy clothes. His white button-down has a stain on the sleeve and is in serious need of ironing. His tie is lopsided, and his hair isn’t carefully styled enough to hide his receding hairline today.

“Julia,” he says breathlessly. “I was just about to call you. I’m going to take your patients for today. You can stay home.” He smiles, showing too many teeth. “Be with your family.”

Leo’s casual promise that he would take care of Ted suddenly pops back into my memory. Jesus… What did you do, Leo?

“Okay…” I say slowly.

Ted fishes in his pocket and pulls out a crumpled envelope. I open it, frowning in confusion when I find a dozen hundred dollar bills.

“It’s not everything I owe you,” he says quickly. “But I’ll get it to you as soon as I can.” He hesitates. “Can you tell Leo that? Tell him I paid you back some of it?”

I try to reconcile the years of seeing Ted the only way I’ve ever known him—pompous, arrogant, and rude—with this sudden change. I just can’t. He’s like a different person, broken, scared, and weak. He has always been weak, but his whole persona was designed to hide that weakness. Now he wears it plain as day, clear for me to see in its entirety for the first time. I have to fight the urge to pity him now. It’s one thing to know he’s weak, but it’s another to see him grovel like this.

“I’ll tell him,” I say. That’s not all I’ll tell him. He promised to avoid violence for me. There’s no way he got Ted to turn it around like this with a stern talk.