“STEFAN ADAIR,” AN OFFICER CALLS, and I stand, my body feeling like lead as I make my way to the opening of the holding cell I’ve been in for God knows how long.
“You’re being released.”
“About fucking time,” I grunt. My body hurts. I’m hungover. Weak. Tired. But mostly, I need to see Lo. What the fuck must she think of me now? I was close to bailing. Thought about selling the shop to the most recent prospective buyer. Leaving Lo would be easier than losing her. But then Asher got through to me, reminding me of how he almost threw it all away, and when I saw that asshole Eric with her outside Blackbear, I knew I could never turn it off. This girl is a part of me. The one part of me I love.
I sign paperwork, and then I’m handed my belongings. My phone is dead—no surprise there. I decide to walk the mile and a half home, in the snow, hoping like fuck Lo’s there.
When I walk into my house, Jess is awake on the couch, as if he’s waiting for me.
“You said you wouldn’t hurt her,” he accuses, not bothering to look at me.
“Where is she?”
“She just fell asleep.”
“I need to talk to her,” I say, hoping Jess doesn’t make this an issue, because I’m really not in the mood right now.
“Fucking fix it,” he says, and I don’t waste another second, running up the steps to our room.
Lo is curled up in a ball on top of the blankets at the foot of our bed. Her cheeks are streaked with tears and faint traces of blood, like she tried to wash it off but lacked the energy to do so.
Not even bothering to kick my boots off, I climb in behind her, tugging her into me. I need to feel her warmth right now. To feel her skin against mine.
“Lo,” I say, my voice a hoarse whisper.
She jolts awake, sitting up in bed.
“It’s okay. It’s just me,” I say.
The confusion in her eyes clears, but it’s replaced with sadness. “Are you okay?” She asks, and I nod. “I don’t know how to help you. To be what you need.”
“You are what I need,” I insist, sitting up and swinging my legs over the side of the bed. “I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry.”
“I don’t even know what you’re sorry for,” she says, exasperated. “Because you don’t tell me anything.”
“Come here, Lo,” I say, laying back and holding out my arms. She hesitates before letting me wrap them around her. “I’m ready to tell you everything.”
Hazel eyes look up at me, tired yet full of hope. I take a fortifying breath, steeling myself for her reaction.
“When I was sixteen years old, I killed my foster brother.”
Lo doesn’t blink. She stays quiet, her face blank, and I slip into the memory of that day.
“Come on, Dare.” Sarah pouted, outstretched arms covered in her puffy, bright yellow winter coat from her place on the frozen lake. “Dance with me.”
“Get off the ice. It’s not safe,” I warned her. This winter wasn’t as cold as it usually was.
“It’s frozen. We do this all the time,” she argued, spinning around as if she were ice-skating. “Ugh, fine,” she huffed when she realized I wasn’t budging. She trudged through the snow to take her place on the bench next to me.
“I just wanted to see you smile for once,” she admitted, tucking her gloved-hand into mine. I gave her hand a slight squeeze, softening my rejection before pulling it away, causing those blue eyes to dull with sadness. She knew I wasn’t one for physical affection.
I knew she had a crush on me. I also knew this thing between us was a bad idea. She was my foster sister. Her parents were the closest thing I had to family. Her brother, Luke, was one of my good friends, too. He was two years older than me. Soccer superstar. Homecoming king. I was just a fucked-up kid who liked to drink and draw, and sometimes, when the opportunity presented itself, I’d get my dick wet. We had nothing in common, but somehow, we got along.
“You should be in class,” I said, and it was so cold I could see my breath. Typical for the time of year.
“So should you.” She laughed. She insisted on skipping with me today. Sarah never missed a day. I doubt she even had a tardy before today. She packed a thermos of hot chocolate and drove us out to a secluded part of the frozen lake.
“Why are we here?” I asked, trying not to sound too harsh. I cared for Sarah like a sister, or at least I thought I did. I never had anything to compare it to. Sometimes when we made out, I thought I might like her in that way, too. When you grow up without any type of love or affection, it’s hard to differentiate these things. I was starting to realize that there were many types of love, and whatever I had for Sarah, it wasn’t of the romantic variety. Of course, my dick felt differently, but that was just…biology.
“I wanted to ask you something,” she said, her cheeks turning pink either from the cold or embarrassment or both.
“What is it?”
“I want to lose my virginity,” she blurted out, and my eyebrows shot up to my hairline. “God, this sounds so stupid out loud,” she groaned, shaking her head, burying her face in her glove-covered hands.
“I don’t even know what to do with that information,” I said honestly, pinching the bridge of my nose. Was she saying she wanted to lose her virginity right now? With me? Or was she looking for advice?
“I just figured…I don’t know. I don’t want to lose it to some guy at a party or something. I want it to be with someone I trust. Someone like you.”
“Sarah…” I shake my head. “That’s not a good idea.” Part of me was flattered. Part of me was pissed that she’d do anything to jeopardize things with her family. It’s not like she’s the one with anything to lose, I thought bitterly. No matter what happened, she’d still have parents, a home, a bed…things I’d never had.
I was tempted. If she were any girl other than my foster sister, I’d have already bent her over this bench. Sex is sex. It’s not about love or even like. But it was for Sarah. Plus, I had two more years until I was eighteen. I didn’t want to have to move again if shit went south.
Sarah leaned over, pressing her lips to mine. I let her kiss me, but when she lost her gloves and went for my pants, I swatted her away. She backed down, seemingly content to make out instead. When she reached for my dick again, it was harder to push her away. No pun intended.
“This doesn’t make me your boyfriend,” I said right as she palmed me through my jeans.
“Who asked you to be my boyfriend? It’s practice.”
I had mixed feelings. On one hand, it felt different with Sarah. Wrong. “Sarah, no,” I said, trying to let her down easily, knowing how sensitive she could be.
“You’ve got to be fucking kidding me,” the voice I knew to be Luke’s growled from a few feet behind us.
“What are you doing here?” Sarah squealed, her hand jerking from my lap, looking like she wanted to disappear.
“What am I doing here?” he asked, incredulous. “I’m looking for you. The school called Mom. She and dad are both out looking for you right now. Saw your car and thought something happened to you. What the hell were you thinking?”
“She skipped school. She didn’t rob a bank. Give the girl a break,” I said as I stood to face him. His eyes zeroed in on my crotch and I looked down, noticing for the first time that Sarah had managed to get my fly down.
Shit.
I pulled my zipper up, and Luke’s face turned bright red right before he charged me. Before I could react, my back was hitting the frozen lake. My head hit the ice a second before his meaty fist connected with my face, and Sarah screamed for him to stop.
“What the fuck!” I yelled as Luke straddled my torso, gripping the front of my jacket.
“Are you fucking my sister?” he bellowed, landing another punch. Pain radiated through my face.
“Luke! Stop!”
He ignored his sister’s pleas, and we scuffled, rolling around, each of us fighting for the upper hand. I pinned him down, giving him one good hit before I stood to walk away. Luke swung his arm out and grabbed my foot. Reflexively, my arms flew out behind me to catch my fall. I heard rather than felt the snap. I knew before I looked that it was bad, and I was right. My forearm was bent in the opposite direction.
The sight of my arm bent at an unnatural angle, combined with the blinding pain that followed, had me gagging, but I don’t think Luke noticed any of it, because he was on his feet, coming back for more.
“I didn’t fucking touch her!” I shouted through the pain, using my good arm to scramble away, choking back the vomit in my throat. “My fucking arm!” I tried to tell him, but Luke wasn’t listening. He bent down, reaching for me again, but this time I pulled my knees back and kicked both feet into his stomach, sending him flying backward.
That’s when I first felt it. The ice wasn’t thick enough, and it splintered beneath us. It felt like it happened in slow motion, but in reality, we’d only been fighting for seconds. I tried to drag myself toward the edge, but my arm was fucking useless.
Luke yelled as the ice finally gave, and he gripped the edge. His eyes were wild as they locked onto mine. He started to hyperventilate, frantically trying to pull himself over the edge.
Sarah was sobbing now, running toward us, screaming her brother’s name.
“Sarah! Do not walk onto the ice. Call nine-one-one,” I instructed, and she halted where the snow-covered shore met ice, fumbling for her phone. “Luke, try to stay calm.” I kept my voice steady in spite of the excruciating pain that radiated through my entire arm. I remembered hearing somewhere that more often than not, it’s the cold shock that causes sudden death. Not drowning.
I knew I didn’t have long to act. I flipped onto my stomach, one-armed army crawling toward a thrashing Luke. Each time he tried to pull himself up, the ice broke off, submerging him even more. Once I was finally within reach, I extended my good arm—the right one—and told him to grab it.
His hand gripped mine, just like we did when we arm wrestled many times before, and I gritted my teeth, eyes squeezing shut as I mustered all my strength to pull him out.
“Get me out, get me out, get me out!” Luke chanted, completely panicked as I got his top half above water. He lifted a knee onto the ice, and before I could so much as blink, it cracked, giving way under his weight, sending us both under.
The cold was something I never could’ve prepared myself for. It took my breath away, and my heart sped up so fast I thought it would burst out of my chest. I paddled my way toward the surface, using the top half of my broken arm like a wing, as I kicked my feet. As soon as I broke through, I gasped for air, looking around for Luke.
“Where is he?!” I didn’t get an answer. Sarah was wailing, so full of fear and despair that I knew I’d never forget the sound if I lived to see another day. I tried to calm my erratic breathing, knowing that staying calm was crucial, while also knowing it was futile.
Sarah dropped to her knees, digging around in the snow-covered ground, looking for something. I could feel time slipping away, and I did the worst thing I could’ve done in that situation. Taking a deep breath, I dove back in. I opened my eyes underneath the water, searching for any sign of Luke. I moved under the ice, hardly seeing a thing, but finally, I made out a large blurry form.
I went back up for one more deep breath before going back under, moving to Luke as fast as I could. My body felt heavy, but my adrenaline kept me going. Before I could reach him, he started to sink.
No. No, no, no.
Summoning the strength and speed I didn’t know I had, I jetted toward him, managing to clench the hood of his jacket with my fist before he slipped out of reach. I was slow, so fucking slow, pulling him to the surface. His weight threatened to pull us both down and my lungs felt like they were going to burst, but somehow, I managed to get back to the hole we fell through.
“Dare!”
I heard Sarah’s muffled screams as I got closer to the surface, and when I finally broke through, she was lying flat on her stomach with a long branch extended toward us.
I heard the sirens, and I knew I just had to hold on a little bit longer. I tried to push Luke’s limp body onto the ice, but I only succeeded in tiring myself out. I felt like I was fading. Shutting down. Like my life was slipping away. In a last-ditch effort, I clutched Luke’s head to my chest and hooked my broken arm over the branch. I struggled to keep us both above water, my eyes closing, my muscles giving out.
“Just a few more seconds,” I told Luke.
And those were the last words I’d ever say to him, though he never heard them.
Lo’s sniffling brings me back to the present. I can’t meet her eyes, afraid of what I’ll find. “What happened after?” she asks, her voice a broken whisper.
“I don’t remember,” I say truthfully. “I passed out right as we were being rescued. They tried to revive Luke, but…” I clench my eyes shut, shaking the images of his lifeless body out of my mind. “They took me to the hospital, fixed my arm, and treated me for hypothermia for a few days.”
“Dare, you have to know—”
“Here’s what I know, Logan,” I interrupt, the harshness in my tone causing her to flinch. “I know that I delivered the kick that sent my brother, for all intents and purposes, into that water. I killed him. It’s a fact. There is no gray area here, so stop looking for one.” There’s no other way around it. I killed him. I took another life. I stopped a heart from beating.
“You tried to save him,” she argues, and I finally look at her face, hating the mixture of pain and pity I see looking back at me.
“But I didn’t. I couldn’t. And it’s my fault.”
“It was an accident,” she presses.
We’re quiet for a beat. Both of us trying to navigate what this means before she asks, “What set you off?”
“I saw Sarah and her dad at Sissy’s. This time of year always fucks me up, but I hadn’t seen them since that day, and it all came flooding back.”
Lo nods, understanding. “I didn’t believe it, you know. Even when I saw the article, right there in black and white.”
“And why’s that?” I ask, genuinely curious.
“Because, since I’ve met you, you’ve been nothing but good to me. You became mine and Jess’s family when our lives were falling apart. You’re good, even if you can’t see it.”
“So, what does this mean for us?” I ask the only question that matters, brushing a thumb across her slightly swollen lip.
“It means we get to be together without any secrets between us.”
My eyes close, reveling in the relief I feel from her words. “Sometimes, it’s hard for me to come out of the darkness. But I’m trying.”
“I’ll sit with you in the dark. I’m not a fan of the sun anyway,” she says, yawning.
“You are the sun.”