One week later

 

“Aaaah,” another primeval scream leaves my body as I realise for the seventh day in a row that this hideous nightmare is not just a dream and I have to live through another day without her.

Every time I wake, I turn my head hoping upon hope to see Vicky’s beautiful sleeping face lying on the pillow next to me, yet the pillow remains empty and the physical stabbing in my gut returns with a vengeance, causing me to scream out loud from the pain. I’m unable to function and I’ve not left the house for a week.

The place is a shit tip, strewn with dirty takeaway cartons, beer cans and discarded spliffs. I’ve not even had the motivation to wash or shave since she disappeared. All I want to do is curl up and literally die.

I was so fucking angry that day, stormed out without a backward glance, but I never expected to come home and discover her gone. My brain just can’t comprehend that she’s actually left. I tore through the house like a madman looking for clues, just as I did the night before she went to the clinic. Only this time she didn’t call. This time I haven’t found her. I thought after our moment round the campfire and making love afterwards, we were back on the same page. Moving forward together finally. But now it appears Vicky was moving forward, just not with me beside her.

I know I shouldn’t have pinned her down that day. I would never have physically forced myself on her. I just thought if we could make love, we would keep that fragile connection alive. But I realise now I went too far. She must have been terrified. But to disappear without warning and without giving me the opportunity to explain or apologise… I just can’t process it.

No one knows where she’s gone. I’ve called everyone I know and no one’s heard anything. I can only assume that she jumped on the first flight out of Christchurch to anywhere and has made her way back to the UK. I tried calling the airlines and asking for details of their passenger lists, but because I’m not her legal next of kin they won’t release the information.

Even though it’s past lunchtime I turn over, wanting to fall back to sleep again, anything to disappear into oblivion and away from this pain. The black velvet ring box which she doesn’t even know I have, the secret I’ve been keeping, waiting for the perfect moment that never came, stares back at me from where I’ve placed it on top of her pillow. Why did I wait? What was stopping me? I have so many regrets, so many things I would change or do differently if I had the opportunity again. What I would give to turn the clock back.

As I lie in my pit, wallowing in self-pity and remorse, and desperate for sleep to consume me I hear the ding-dong of the front door bell which wrenches me back into the present.

I hastily pull on a stained t-shirt, the remnants of one of the takeaway curries smeared down the front. I must stink to high heaven, but I don’t care.

I open the door and see Dad standing there.

“Hello, son,” he says. “Can I come in? I have a feeling my son needs his father,” and I collapse gratefully into his arms.

An hour later, after Dad has packed me off to the bathroom to shower and shave while he cleans up the mess all around me, he passes me a warm cup of tea and we sit at the kitchen table together.

“So what’s been going on?” he asks.

“Oh, Dad. I’ve been such a fool,” I weep hopelessly.

“How so?”

“I love so her damn much, but I’ve taken her for granted so many times. It’s all my fault. I’ve pushed her away and now I’ve got what I deserve.”

“No one person is ever to blame in these situations, son.”

“That maybe so, but I think I lost her a long time ago, only now she’s finally left.”

“It’s never over until the fat lady sings. I don’t know whether this is the end for you and Vicky, or if it’s just a temporary blip, but one thing I do know for sure, is that hiding away with the curtains drawn and hoping it will all disappear will not change a damn thing.”

“I do know that, Dad,” my tears coming thick and fast now. “She was the best thing that has ever happened to me, but I never felt good enough for her. I never felt I deserved her. How could someone as amazing as Vicky ever love me? An unrefined hustler with only one eye for fuck’s sake.”

“And I don’t suppose you ever shared any of this with her?” Dad places his hand on top of mine as he gives me his moral support.

“Don’t be daft. Give her more reasons to not love me?”

“I think you’re missing the point, son. If she can’t love you for the whole person you are… accept you, warts and all, then she’s not deserving of you and vice versa.”

“The thing is. I don’t think I really gave her that chance. I would run for the hills whenever things got tough, so it’s completely ironic that she’s now run out on me.”  I can hardly speak. Moisture and snot escaping from every facial orifice.

“Honestly, Dad, we’ve been through so much together, much more than anybody knows, and I’ve let her down so badly. I would give anything to put it all right.”

“Well let’s hope you get that chance. I do think Vicky’s a lovely girl and if you’re meant to be together you’ll find a way back to each other. These things have a way of working themselves out, even if the path does not seem obvious at the time.”

Just then the telephone rings.

“Can you answer it please? I don’t think I’ve got the strength to speak to anyone.”

Dad picks up the receiver and says, “Hello?”

“It’s for you,” he says passing me the handset. “It’s Melanie.”

“Hi Mellie. What’s up?”

“Hey, Chook. How you holding up?”

“Not good but look I don’t really want to talk about it.”

“Well listen. I may have some news.”

“Oh?” I perk up instantly at the possibility of hopefully good news.

“Yes, I’ve just got off the phone from Vicky’s mum. Basically I called her in the hope I could chat to Vicky and find out how she’s doing and get her side of things. Anyway she’s not there.”

“WHAT?! What do you mean she’s not there? Where else would she be?”

“Well that’s the thing. I started by saying, ‘oh you must be so excited to have your daughter back home with you’ and instead of saying ‘yes, it’s lovely’ or something like that, she completely dropped herself in it. She said, ‘well it will be when she finally leaves…’ then when she realised what she’d said she started to back track big style saying, ’…I mean when she finally leaves …Thailand.’ Then she made up some cock and bull story that Vicky decided to stop off in Thailand on her way back to the UK.”

“I could tell she was lying through her back teeth. Anyway long story sideways, my hunch is she’s still in NZ Chris, and my guess is she’s hiding out with Dean and Lisa in Auckland until she can get a cheaper flight out. So I called them and Lisa flat out denies it but I don’t believe her. Dean wasn’t there. Lisa said he was down the beach but If I’d had the chance to speak to him I would know for sure if he was lying. You and I both know we can see straight through each other when we’re not telling the truth. Years of sibling practice.”

“Anyway, my suggestion, bro, is to get your arse on the next plane up to Auckland and go and see for yourself.”

“Mellie, I fucking love you. If I could reach down the telephone now and hug you I would,” I say leaping up out of the chair, my body suddenly flooded with renewed energy.

“Good luck, Chook.”

“Thanks, sis. Love you.”

“Love you too,” we both sign off before hanging up the call.

I turn quickly to Dad who’s still sat in the chair looking bemused and ask, “Dad, any chance of a lift to the airport?”