Have you ever loved so hard it hurts? Have you ever been loved so passionately it controls you? Have you ever loved so deeply or gave so much of yourself that you woke up one morning and no longer knew who you were anymore? Isn’t love meant to save us, to be able to overcome any adversity. So why did my love for Chris almost destroy me?
The plane pushes up through the clouds, gaining altitude, climbing higher and higher, and I look down at the city below as it continues to fall away, the buildings becoming smaller and smaller until they're almost lost from view. The sea shines crystal blue, the surface glistening as if sprinkled with a million bright diamonds, the breakers rolling shoreward in a continuous gentle rhythm. The scene below me a comforting reminder of the perpetual presence of Mother Nature.
Watching the constant ebb and flow of the water roll up and down the shoreline soothes, in some part, my own internal turmoil, like a child being lovingly rocked in benevolent arms. My head feels heavy, pressed firmly against the side of the plane, and my mind turns to think about what I’m leaving behind and what I’m travelling towards.
I breathe in deeply, feeling my lungs expand before I exhale slowly. My in-breath fizzles with a nervous anticipation mixed with an uncomfortable uncertainty of not knowing what will happen next. My next out-breath is a long slow release. The air releasing slowly, meditatively, through pursed lips before sucking up another lung-filling gasp. Like I've been holding my breath underwater for far too long and I’ve just reached the surface and my body is desperate for oxygen.
Only now do I appreciate how long I've been holding my breath. Holding it all in. The tension having built up over such a long period of time it had leached undetected throughout my whole body, contaminating every fibre of my being. So much so, I’d forgotten who I was underneath. I’d become a shadow of my former self. But no more! It’s a pretty ballsy move I’ve just made. Taking this action now is the bravest thing I’ve ever done.
My ears pop with the change in air pressure, the upward thrust of the plane pinning me to the back of my seat as it continues its climb up through the clouds yet I don’t feel pinned down, rather I suddenly feel lighter. Physically, mentally and spiritually.
I tilt my head, closing my eyes to soak up the gentle heat from the sun. The rays of light that break through the clouds and stream through the small oval plane window to land on the back of my eyelids. Their warmth permeates my whole body, filling me with hope and optimism. As hard as this was, and still is, I know in my heart I've made the right choice and I’m doing the right thing.
I realise for the first time in my life, that my past does not have to equal my future and the events that have shaped me do not define me.
Every major decision in my life always seems to prequel a journey. A journey that leaves another chapter behind and one that transports me towards a new future, both metaphorically as well as physically. This particular journey is literally bridging the past and I hope, what lies now, in my future.
I wonder what’s to come. Am I still searching, or is my search finally over? Will this journey lead me to the place where I truly belong, where I’m meant to be? Or is this just one more step in my journey for that search?
I am sure, however, that I had to make this choice. Staying where I was would have killed me. I was already slowly dying inside. So instead I had no choice but to follow my heart, do what is right and board the plane. I only hope that the pain caused is not too great and that those I’m leaving behind will understand and in time, forgive me.
I am not the same person I was before I met Chris. I leave now, more of a woman than before we met. He has enriched my life, woken me up, brought me to life and for that I shall be eternally grateful. I feel like I was asleep before I knew him and now I have a depth of emotion, that now he’s turned it on, can never be turned off again. He has increased my capacity to feel. With him I’ve felt passion and desire, the deepest of loves, loss and separation, remorse, guilt, forgiveness and a deep connection to who I am. To my own femininity. Just like the feminine power that poured out of Sylvie Guillem, the ballet dancer who danced the Boléro at Hampton Court all those years ago. He’s turned me from a young immature girl into a woman.
Physically, Chris has taken me to places that I’ve never been to before or could have ever reached on my own. He’s allowed me to explore my own body, alongside his own and as a result I’ve developed a trust in my own sexuality. Chris is the only person who has torn down the walls I’d erected around me to protect myself emotionally and physically. He’s awoken all of these senses and emotions in me and more. I know myself now more than ever.
I have absolutely no regrets and only a deep deep love and compassion for that man. Yet despite this, I know I must leave. I know I love him still. I think a part of me always will, but our love has become twisted and unhealthy. It controls me and him too. In love, there should never be winners or losers, but in our relationship only one of us was ever the winner.
Love should magnify the best in each of us. Allow us to create a relationship together that is greater than the sum of us as two individual souls, but instead we only seem to be able to flip flop between hurting each other, then loving each other again and with such an intensity, it was all-consuming. It felt like we are two broken halves, that no matter how hard we tried, we were never able to fit together harmoniously. One of us always had to compromise. To give up something of themselves.
Chris is clearly grappling with his own demons. He’s a restless soul who I believe will never be tamed. Or at least, not until he’s found his own inner peace. Despite all his bravado and fun-loving confidence, I know the deeper layers of the man, who like me, is dealing with his own insecurities. His parents’ divorce, being the youngest in the family, and of course living all of his life with a facial disfigurement and sight in only one eye, which he handles so well, but all of the struggles throughout his childhood have irreparably shaped him for better or worse. It’s these flaws, I believe, that make him run scared whenever the going gets tough. I loved him regardless of the way he looks, but he needs to deal with his own stuff on his own. I can’t heal him.
Likewise, Chris has also shown me the part of me that I need to work on. I appreciate now how insecure and needy I am when he withdrew his affection. Or how poor my judgement is when someone feeds that insecurity, even if it’s for their own physical gratification. I need to find my own inner peace and not be dependent on someone else’s love or devotion in order to feel worthy.
By default, if I needed Chris’s love to feel worthy of it, I’m not capable of receiving it.
Rather his love was a drug I craved and like two addicts, we were both only focused on sucking our next emotional high out from each other. Only by coming to this painful realisation and having the bravery to walk this difficult next step without him do I believe I can find my way through this. By facing my deepest fear, the fear of never being worthy of love, and by doing the hardest thing I’ve ever done, which is to leave a love behind, do I now have a chance to save myself.
I will be forever grateful to Chris, for taking me on this journey, for loving me as he did and only by loving him fully in return was he able to take me to the brink of my own self-destruction, and now hopefully to my own growth and healing.
Perhaps if we hadn’t had such immense challenges to deal with; my infidelity, his insane jealousy, the abortion of our child, the challenges of maintaining a long-distance relationship and skipping any form of slow courtship to instantly cohabiting in respective sides of the world. Perhaps if we’d grown up in the same town and had the opportunity to date slowly, build up our relationship layer by layer, step by step, perhaps we may have had a chance. But who knows? Maybe we’d have still ended up here anyway.
Maybe I’m flying away from the greatest and only love of my life? Maybe I’m making a huge mistake? Maybe I’ll live to regret this? Perhaps, perhaps not.
I can’t bear to think about how hard this is going to be on him. At this thought I blink hard squeezing the last of my tears out of the corners of my eyes. I only hope in time he’ll be able to forgive me, not just for leaving, but for all the pain I’ve caused him. I’ve already forgiven him for the mistakes he’s made or the pain he’s caused me. I’ve forgiven him for everything, absolutely everything.
I feel the plane increase its thrust as it reaches a new even higher altitude, the shafts of sunlight that move around the inside of the plane, as it banks and turns, striking the inside of the cabin like spotlights on a stage.
I close my eyes, soaking up all of my emotions. For the first time in a long time, my eyes are finally dry and as I lean my head back against the headrest, my eyes seeking out the shafts of sunlight, I feel only love.
Love for Chris as a man. Love for him as a lover. Love for the deepest depths of his soul. Love for his family; for Melanie, for Michelle, for Lynne, for all the male members of his family and, of course, a deep love for baby Jess. And despite our struggles, a love for the life we shared and all the happy memories we’ve created. Memories that I will always carry in my heart. Memories that have shaped me and memories that will stay with me forever. But for his sake now, I must put some distance between us.
Maybe we’ll stay in touch, maybe we won’t. Maybe our paths will cross again someday. I’d like that. But for now we need distance and time to heal.