That evening, I can’t help but miss my sister more than ever. I dropped off calling or messaging since my affair with Kit started. I shoot her a quick text.
Hope you’re well. Miss you
She responds pretty quickly. I’m ok. Studying. Miss you too. Up for me calling?
Yes!
When she calls, I can’t help but chide her in a loving manner. “Why are you calling me? You should be out having fun, not staying home doing homework.”
She scoffs and I settle down on my bed, smiling for the first time in what feels like a while. “Excuse me? Alex, you’re the one who’s told me that hard work pays off and once I’m where I want to be, I can do anything I like.”
“True. Except lately I’ve been realizing...there’s more to life than just work.”
“Like what?”
I shrug. “Well, you, for example. We should talk more.”
“We’re in touch all the time. What’s gotten into you? Where’s my sister and what have you done to her?”
I smile fondly.
“Are things not good at work, Alex?”
I groan and flip to my side, pushing my cheek into my pillow while I hold my phone to my other ear. I dread telling her that I resigned. But if I can’t talk to my sister, then who can I talk to? “Not really. Something happened at the office recently. It was humiliating and it was all my fault. I did something I never in a million years thought I’d do.”
“What?”
I hesitate for just a moment. But Helena is twenty-one. I know she’s old enough to talk to, and we’ve always really only relied on each other. “I slept with my boss.”
“With Alastair?”
I sit up in bed from the shock and burst out laughing. “Silly! No! He passed the baton to his youngest son and Kit Walker is just... He surprised me. Swept me off my feet. Wormed his way into my heart. But one of my office friends leaked a photo of us... Helena, it was awful. Kit thinks I was in on it just to oust him from the company.”
“Why would you oust him?”
“Well I was a bit critical when he first took over, thinking he didn’t have it in him to run the company.”
“Oh, Alex.” She groans.
I try to recover, struggling to shake him off. “It’s over now. No point rubbing salt in the wound.”
“You didn’t sleep with your boss—you fell in love with him. That’s two totally different things.”
“You’re right. I did both and I don’t know which is worse.”
“For you? Both are bad. But both of them together...” She whistles dramatically. “What can I do to cheer you up?”
“Nothing. Hearing your voice helps. And maybe if you went out and had some fun, I’d know that my sister was out there being happy, and I’d be happy.”
“Nah. It doesn’t count. It needs to be you. You can’t just be happy if others are. You need to make your own happiness, Alex.”
“I can’t. I ruined this with Kit. Though to be honest... I think he was only playing with me. And I fell for it. For all of it.” My voice cracks. “I resigned, Helena.”
There’s a shocked gasp.
“Don’t worry!” I immediately say, trying to appease her. “I’ll still help you out with college and your expenses. I’m going to line up interviews—”
“Alex, that’s okay. If we can pay for college that’s great but if not, I’ll be okay. I don’t want you bearing my burden.”
“You’re never a burden. It’s you and me against the world. Right?” I tease.
But that should also include...you know. Having lots of friends so that it doesn’t hurt you if one betrays you, and having lots of fun so that if one day you lose your job, you don’t feel this giant emptiness.
“Yes.” Though she doesn’t sound as playful as she did only moments ago. “Alex, you’ll find something,” Helena promises. “You’re a genius at what you do and any company would be lucky to have you. Any guy, too.”
“Kit doesn’t believe that,” I whisper. “Falling for him really hurts because even after all this, I want more and I’m afraid...”
“Of what?”
I see Kit’s amber eyes in my mind.
“Are you afraid he’ll want more, too? Or that he won’t and you’ll be so vulnerable that he’ll have the power to hurt you?”
“That. The latter,” I say quietly, my chest loosening a bit when I admit that. “If you’d seen the hurt in his eyes when he thought I was conspiring with Ben, Helena.”
“Maybe that’s a good thing. Maybe that means he does care. Despite not wanting to. Like you.”
I sigh, not wanting to believe it could be true. Not knowing what I want.
“Okay so I lack experience in the romance department,” Helena continues, “but if I’d just resigned and gotten my heart broken, I’d tell you what my ballsy big sister would say.”
“What would she say?” I play along.
“That the only way to conquer my fears is through action. And that fear leads the way to the greatest opportunities.”
I smile. “I’m glad I’ve made the effort to put you through Stanford. You’re so wise.”
“Shush!” She laughs again, and it’s such a lovely sound that part of me wants to trap that joy in a jar and save it for her forever. So that she never forgets how joy feels, never forgets to laugh like that. “But I’m glad, too. I love you,” she says. “Alex...thank you for all your efforts. I never want you to think that I take them for granted. One day I’m going to pay you back in full.”
“Seeing you succeed in doing something you love is enough for me, Helena. Please don’t worry. I’ll keep you posted on how the interviews go. And I love you, too.”
I smile as I hang up, the warmth of my sister’s voice lingering as I lie in bed, wondering what I regret the most. Losing my job? Or opening my heart and letting someone in?
Opening my heart and letting Kit Walker in?
* * *
It’s been a week since I resigned. A week of not being able to wake up without feeling as if my whole world just came crashing down on me. Work used to be everything to me. Now I’m cooped up in my apartment, lonely and depressed. I miss Helena more than ever. I worry about getting a new job—after the way things went down at Cupid’s Arrow. I’ve been searching online, but don’t feel like I can walk into an interview without breaking down in tears yet.
I wish I could hug Helena, who loves me no matter how badly I’ve made a mess of things.
I even miss my parents and wish that we were closer, that they would occasionally check in and not be so busy all the time whenever I call.
And I miss Kit.
All in all, I think it’s fair to say that my life is broken in every way that counts.
My co-workers were sad to see me go. Some of them cried. Ellie cried. She’s stayed in touch this week, telling me that the office isn’t the same without me. That they’re looking for a replacement but that the whole team doesn’t want anyone else. She’s asking me why I resigned. They all feel betrayed—as if I left them. She also mentions that Ben was out on some sort of leave right after I resigned, but then he came back.
I can’t believe how much trouble a fling with my boss has caused me. I’ve heard Angela talk about her many sexual endeavors before, and never once has one of them landed her in so much crap. But now I realize how wrong I was to think that I could get away with it. This whole disaster was never going to be smooth sailing.
That’ll teach me, I suppose.
It’s Saturday morning. I’m lounging in front of the TV, trying to think of ways to pass the weekend quickly all alone. Even with the TV on, my ears are sensitive to how quiet it is. It’s putting me on edge.
I flit between activities. I try reading. I watch more TV. I take a bubble bath, but it’s not relaxing. Something feels off, though I can’t put my finger on what it is.
The afternoon drags on and on. I grow restless and anxious. I can’t stop thinking about Kit, while at the same time, I can’t bear to remember the hurt in his eyes when he thought I was in cahoots with Ben.
Ben. Gosh I hope somebody punches him.
Though I can’t blame him for everything. Because it was me in that picture, and I can’t pretend otherwise.
I’m nauseated, having become one of those women I’ve always pitied who sleep with their bosses.
Suddenly remembering what Kit asked me about our messages on the app, I pull out my phone and hesitate. Do I want to read them? Then I remember our work on the design and on impulse, I open up the app, eyeing it and realizing that the new design is up.
It’s so gorgeous.
Incredible.
Edgy.
Modern.
My heart soars for a moment.
I log in to my inbox, curious now.
And there is a message. At least a dozen messages, actually. From Kit.