I freeze. Then I slowly turn and meet Kit’s hurt gaze. I can barely stand the pain I see there. The need.
I bite my lip and watch him as I draw in a breath.
Breathe, Alex. Explain!
I know that there’s chemistry between human beings. Not just between males and females, but between every being of our species. Some underlying connection, sensation, instinct.
I know that we sometimes can’t help being repelled by someone we don’t even know very well, but I’d never really experienced the opposite. Being viscerally magnetized to the point where it doesn’t even matter that you don’t know shit about this other person or what he’s been doing his whole life. You just want to get rid of the physical distance between you; you want to get closer.
I never in my life imagined how painful it would feel to cross that distance only to be acutely aware of what you’re missing the moment an abyss opens up between you—an abyss impossible to cross.
“I swear, Kit,” I breathe, needing him to understand, “that I had no part in it. Do you think I really wanted to be humiliated like this? In front of your father? A man I admire and respect? In front of you, when all I wanted was—”
I inhale to calm down, and cut myself off from saying more. But the way Kit is looking at me, as if gazing at a stranger, is tearing me up inside.
I’ve never felt as bereft as I am now, when the warmth in his eyes that was there only a week ago is completely gone.
“You were against me from the start,” Kit says with quiet anger, the hurt intensifying in his eyes. “You wanted me out of here. Having you in the picture would make you the least likely suspect to set me the bloody hell up,” he hisses, clearly believing this complete bullshit.
“I would never do something this awful to anyone. Never. Much less to you, or myself! True, I didn’t think you had it in you. I thought you were lazy, that you knew nothing about work because you had no experience. That you were nothing but a playboy and I guess I was right, huh? Because you played me. You played me, Kit Walker. You just told your father—”
“I was trying to shoulder the blame and get you off the hook. I didn’t want you out of the picture for good, or for Alastair to fire you. Unlike your own plans for me,” he spits out.
I gasp.
“So you were lying to your father? You’re saying I did mean more to you than just a simple seduction? Really? I meant so much that you don’t even have any idea of who I am or what my true feelings are!”
I make to leave, but Kit blocks my path. “I don’t know about your feelings, Alex, but I bloody damn well know you were the most vocal protesting my presence here, and that you’ve turned my bloody head upside down. Not for one minute did I—”
“Why didn’t you call?” I blurt out. Forgetting about the photo for now. Forgetting about everything but the one fact that hurts me the most. He clenches his jaw.
“I didn’t want to speak over the phone... I was going to come and see you this week. But after the email...” He lets the words die off.
Die like the room full of roses that he wowed me with, and the memory of our time together.
“I know you were trying to defend me from Alastair when you said all that. But I can’t help but believe that part of it could be true. That you just wanted to get control over me, in any way you knew how,” I accuse, taking a deep breath. “I’m sorry I ever met you, Kit. I’m sorry I ever fell for your bullshit.” I whirl around. “I’ll turn in my resignation tomorrow.”
Then I walk away from Kit, even though I’m completely certain I’ve fallen in love for the first time in my life.
Dreading that I leave with the man I love thinking I betrayed him.
Maybe I did.
I followed my heart and betrayed every single thing I believe in, for him.
Wow. What a way to learn my lesson. Now when my walls go back up, I’ll be sure to let nobody in. Ever. Especially a player like Kit Walker.
* * *
The next day, I finish packing up my desk, logging on to my work computer one last time. I can see how much has changed just from the attitude in the room. No one here has said a word since I told them I was quitting. They’re all shocked. They asked why. I said, with a fake smile, that I wanted to pursue other opportunities.
Bullshit. They all know it’s bullshit. Especially Ellie.
But I’m so heartbroken, I don’t even want to talk about it.
At a certain point, I whispered to my best friend, “Please just stop asking me why. You know it’s because of Kit.”
“You have feelings for him,” she whispered back.
I nodded, and that was enough to make her understand.
When lunch hour hits, I quietly leave the office to find Kit.
My hands tremble at the thought of what will happen. I’m officially turning in my resignation. I’m leaving the place I love. I’ll need to go out there and hustle, just because of everything that I’ve ruined. It would break me if I ruined Helena’s future as well as mine.
I wish I could tell Kit how I really feel. I wish I had the guts to come out in the open and tell him that I love him, that I would never do anything like this to the man I love.
But he didn’t go into this little affair expecting to hear I love you from me. So I won’t say it, and hopefully one day soon, after a couple of years of not having to see him every day, this feeling will go away—even if that stupid email won’t.
But the truth is, Kit Walker opened my eyes.
That night with the roses, I never thought I could feel so alive.
I never thought there could be more to life than just working.
And now it’s all crumbled before me, leaving behind only an illusion of happiness that seems too out of reach for me now.
Kit’s office is quiet as I stand outside.
I can remember the days when I’d walk past and hear someone inside, laughing at one of his jokes, trying to butter him up. Now, there’s only silence. Has Kit changed as much as I have? Has he left his player days behind because of the nights we shared?
I don’t know. That’s not my business anymore.
I knock on the door before I can change my mind.
“Come in,” Kit says, his voice low and muffled. When I open the door, he looks up from some papers he’s reviewing and I see his beautiful face, probably for the last time. His features dissolve into surprise. I curse myself. I should have called to tell him the time when I would stop by. It would have better prepared us both for this moment.
“Hey...sorry to drop in like this. But I’m all packed and ready and wanted to give you this.”
Kit is paralyzed, still holding one of the papers he was reading in his hand. He seems to be struggling to find words. “No, no, of course. Sit down, take a seat.” He drops the paper as if it singes him, watching me walk cross his office.
He’s cleaned it up—and noticing how professional he looks only makes my chest feel heavier.
I sit down cautiously, not sure how to proceed. I thread my fingers together, staring at my lap.
“How are you?” Kit asks, his voice deep and low, but tentative. I swallow hard to rid myself of the lump in my throat, but it doesn’t help.
“Things...things aren’t going that well for me. As you know. So I just want to get this over with.” I take a deep breath, the weight of his stare almost unbearable. “I promised your father that I would help you settle into the company. I feel that I did my best but allowed my personal feelings to rule some of my actions...and I betrayed him. I know you think I betrayed you, too, but I want you to know that’s not the case.”
There’s a silence.
I raise my head and when our eyes meet, there almost seems to be a crackle in the room.
We stare off for a minute, then slowly, Kit’s forehead creases and he leans across the desk toward me. “I interviewed Ben yesterday. Give me one more day, Alex. Don’t resign yet.”
“What do you mean?”
“I don’t want you to resign yet. Give me one more day.”
I shake my head. “Why?”
“Give me time,” he snaps, his gaze bright and vivid. “To prove to myself and my father that you’re innocent.”
I shake my head. What does it matter anyway? I’m not sure that I can go back to being the way it was before, when I sort of hated Kit. Or that I can go on as if nothing happened between us. I’m emotionally invested now. I shake my head because I can’t say any of this to him, though I really wish that I could.
“There’s nothing for me here anymore,” I tell him. He leans away, looking like I just slapped him. I try to backpedal.
“I don’t mean... I mean in terms of my career. I’ve progressed as far as I can go. Nothing will change my mind now, Kit. I have to leave after that photo. After today, I won’t be coming back. I hope... I hope you can forgive me any problems I’ve caused.”
Kit clenches his jaw tightly, dragging a hand across his face, his eyes flashing in frustration. “I do. If you’re no longer happy here...then of course you have to leave. I know things have been difficult since I arrived. I know yesterday took a toll on all of us. But the company will miss you.” Kit finally forces himself to meet my gaze. “I’ll miss you.”
My heart is somersaulting. “I’ll miss you, too.”
Kit swallows and I can see that he’s holding back a lot of emotion. He shifts in his chair, his face forlorn. “I know you know your own mind, Alex, and if you think this is the best course of action, then it is. But I need to know. Did you turn off the notifications from the app?”
I frown in confusion.
“The beta app. Remember I told you we’d beta? I’ve been sending messages.”
“Oh.” I hang my head. “I’ll admit, I never turned them on when I downloaded it.”
Kit nods, taking a deep breath. “I’ll let you go. So long as you promise me you’ll check your inbox.”
I don’t understand why he’s so desperate for me to read over some beta testing messages, but if those are his terms, I have to take them.
I nod, rising from my seat and holding out my hand for him to shake. He stands, too, taking it. His touch is gentle, and his fingertips brush my wrist. I try not to shiver, but it stirs something in me. I press my lips together and try not to cry. Kit doesn’t let go, his eyes on mine.
“It’s been a pleasure working with you.”
I guess we’ve said everything that needs to be said between us.
I nod, my throat raw, letting his hand drop from my grip. “It’s been a pleasure working with you, too.”