CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
He caught a flash of blond hair, brushing by him.
It was a sunny and bright day, with the green hills of Northern England surrounding him. Troy was standing in a field of some kind with a stream rushing through it. He could see the water bubbling and hear laughter all around him. Another flash of blond hair ran past him and he turned to see a figure he knew, very well.
Helene was dressed in a white gown, all flowing and long. Her blond hair was unbound, falling in soft waves to her buttocks, and she looked as she did when she had been a very young woman, right before they had married. She was tiny, and curvy, unlike the rest of her family who had been tall and slender. Helene didn’t follow that mold, but Troy thought she was the prettiest de Norville daughter of the bunch. That was why he’d married her.
She was smiling at him. God, she looked so young. He hadn’t seen her that young in years. When he extended a hand for her, she passed through his fingers, like water. He couldn’t get a grip on her. He couldn’t touch her but he could most definitely see her. It made the pain of losing her return in a harsh, painful wave.
“You’re here,” he said, elated. “Why are you here?”
Helene smiled at him. But around them, the landscape shifted from bright and sunny to dark and stormy. Clouds formed. It began to rain.
“You must go, Troy,” she said. “There is nothing for you now.”
He was puzzled. “You are here. I am staying.”
Helene shook her head, her blue eyes as bright as he had remembered them. “You cannot,” she insisted in the soft way she used to do such things. “You must go on.”
Troy was still puzzled. He reached out to touch her but as he did, she morphed into something that wasn’t Helene. His hands passed through a mist and when the mist finally took shape again, he found himself looking at Rhoswyn.
“’Tis me,” she said.
Troy was greatly confused, greatly torn. “Why… why are you here?”
Rhoswyn, too, was nebulous. He couldn’t seem to touch her. As he reached for her, she backed away. “Helene is gone,” she said. “Ye must come tae me.”
Troy couldn’t seem to speak. As the rain began to fall, no one got wet, but the stream and the land around him grew wild with water. Rhoswyn faded away into the mist again, turning back into Helene.
“You must go on, Troy,” Helene said softly, her smile gentle.
Tears came to Troy’s eyes. “I do not think I can.”
Helene nodded as she came towards him, the rain pounding all around her as she remained dry and serene. “You must open your heart.”
Tears spilled down his cheeks. “But I do not want to leave you.”
She was so real looking that he swore he could have touched her. “You will never leave me,” she said. “And I will never leave you. I wish joy for you now. Be joyful. And you must go on.”
With that, she faded from view and the storm continued to pound. She was gone, just like that, and Troy stood there weeping.
A crash of thunder startled Troy awake. It was nearing morning as a storm broke over the land, and the sound of rainfall pelted the small window of the sod house where he and Audric had been sleeping. It took Troy a moment to realize that he’d been dreaming.
A dream!
Sitting up, he wiped at his face, realizing that there were, indeed, tears on his cheeks. He wiped them off, feeling exhausted and emotional. Damnation! The dream seemed so bold, so vivid, as if he had truly been speaking with Helene. God, he could almost touch her. And her eyes! He remembered those eyes, so alive and warm. He had missed those eyes.
But then came Rhoswyn.
Ye must come tae me.
That’s what she’d said in his dream. And Helene – what had she told him? That he must go on? How was it even possible he should dream such a thing? Troy wasn’t a man to believe in divine intervention. In fact, he’d stopped believing in God when Helene and the twins had drowned. He remembered telling his father that if there was a God, surely he wouldn’t have let such a thing happen. Since then, Troy was convinced that God was a myth and nothing more. He was a tale for children, made up to force them to behave. Those children grew into adults who still believed in that tale. But Troy didn’t; not any longer.
But his dream may have just changed that opinion.
Helene had told him what he’d needed to hear. He’d been in such horrific turmoil over his feelings for her, and for Rhoswyn, that something had to give. Was it possible that God had allowed Helene to enter his dreams, knowing how devastated he’d been these past two years, to tell him what he must do? He could hardly believe it. God had ignored him up until now.
Perhaps God chose this moment to speak.
On the floor at his feet, Audric let out a rattling snore, undisturbed by the rain and thunder outside. Troy stared at the man, thinking of his history with him. Audric had come to Monteviot to bury the Scots dead and ended up remaining at William’s request. Audric had been following Troy around and he really had never understood why until this moment. Was it possible that Audric had been sent by God to look out for him, to help him understand what his new course in life was to be?
Audric had said that William had asked him to stay, but Troy wasn’t so sure anymore. Perhaps Audric was a direct conduit from God, straight to Troy. And tonight of all nights, fed him the dream that was necessary for him to choose the right course in life.
Literally, like a bolt from heaven, Troy knew what he had to do. He had to face Rhoswyn and confess his feelings as she had confessed hers. Helene had told him as much.
Be joyful. And you must go on.
That was exactly what she had said. It was as if she’d given him permission not to live in the past, not to linger over a love that was now only a memory. It was a love that Troy had been sworn to, a love that had caused him great guilt when he realized he was feeling something for Rhoswyn. Now, Helene had taken away that guilt.
It was time for him to move on.
Dressed in his tunic and breeches for sleep, Troy pulled on his boots and charged out into the rain.
*
Rhoswyn could hear the rain, too. Mostly, she liked thunderstorms because there was a certain peace with them, she’d found. She loved to listen to the rain and to the rumbling of the clouds but, at the moment, she found no peace with what she was hearing. All she could think of was Troy, here on the grounds of Sibbald’s, having come to bring her back.
Keith had told her everything last night. He’d told her of his conversation with Troy and he’d seemed to be on the man’s side. Keith had even lectured her about interfering in the man’s business, which is how the entire situation got started. Rhoswyn was angry with her father for siding with Troy even though, deep down, she knew there was some truth to what he’d said. But in her defense, she had truly felt that Troy was in danger and she felt it her duty to protect him.
But the man didn’t need protecting. Even she knew that.
But she had been fearful for him; so very fearful. That had prompted her to act. But in hindsight, she supposed she knew that he didn’t need her help. Troy was a powerful knight and he had been fighting battles for a very long time. But she was accustomed to fighting, to being in the front of a fight, and it was her instinct to defend Troy when she saw those nasty soldiers harassing him.
It was difficult to admit that, perhaps, she’d been wrong.
But she was only willing to consider her misstep because Troy had come so quickly. He hadn’t been too far behind her in coming to Sibbald’s and according to her father, he seemed genuinely concerned and genuinely remorseful. He’d asked to see her immediately but Keith had told him to wait the night. It was probably good advice, for both of them. That way, emotions would have calmed before they spoke. All she wanted to hear was that he did need her, and all she wanted to say to him was that she was sorry she’d shamed him. She hadn’t meant to, but she had. A night of little sleep, of Troy heavy on her mind, and she knew what she had to say to him.
“Rhoswyn!”
A very loud voice wafted in from outside, carried upon the cold breeze and muffled by the rain. At first. Rhoswyn thought she might have dreamed it. She sat up in bed, her ear cocked as the thunder rolled and the rain fell. Then, she heard it again.
“Rhoswyn!”
Startled, she leaped to her feet and ran to the tiny window. Her window faced west, away from the sunset, so all she could see was a gray landscape and rain. She couldn’t see who was calling her name because of the angle of the window, but she knew it was Troy. His deep, booming voice… that voice she’d fallen so heavily for… aye, she’d know that voice anywhere.
It was the voice of the man she loved.
“Rhoswyn, it is Troy!” he said again, his full voice reaching above the sound of the rain and filling her ears. “I know you are in there and I hope you can hear me because I have much to say to you. If you do not come down to the bailey, then I shall shout it for all to hear!”
God, she was so happy to hear his voice but, in the same breath, feelings of hurt and frustration crept into her heart. Feelings from yesterday, when he had so badly damaged her with his harsh words.
Mayhap I do not need you at all.
Those words were still ringing in her head. Even though the man had come to Sibbald’s to tell her that, perhaps, he’d been lying when he’d said them. He’d been angry with her and said something he didn’t mean. But how did she really know he didn’t mean it? She didn’t honestly know the man. At least, she didn’t know him as deeply as she should have. They’d only been married these four days now. How can one come to know someone so deeply, so fully, in so short a time?
How could she have fallen in love with him and hardly have known him?
She had no idea how to answer that question, but she did know one thing – his voice was close; very close. He was close, and the anticipation was more than she could bear. Rhoswyn had a feeling he was just out of her sight because he sounded very near. He was more than likely standing in front of the entry, the vestibule area, and her window was just to the right of it. She wouldn’t go running to him like a weakling but she certainly wanted to hear what he had to say.
Above the rain and the thunder, she yelled from her window.
“What is it ye want, Troy de Wolfe?” she shouted from the window. “Ye made yerself clear that ye dunna need me. Why did ye come?”
After everything Keith had told her last night, Rhoswyn knew why he had come – or, at least, her father’s version of why he had come. But she wanted to hear it for herself. Soon enough, Troy moved into her line of sight.
As the rain poured and the thunder rolled, he moved up beneath her window, looking up at her as water spattered on his face. His dark hair was plastered back against his skull and those golden eyes were blinking rapidly as the rain hit them. But the expression on his face was something Rhoswyn had never seen before, like a man who had seen the face of God and had lived to tell the tale. So much in his expression was wide open, beseeching.
Vulnerable.
“I came to tell you that I am sorry,” Troy said. He was still shouting, but not nearly so loudly as he had been. “I said cruel things to you and I should not have. My only defense is that you frightened me.”
“I thought I shamed ye?”
He blew the rain out of his mouth. “You did,” he said. “You put yourself into a situation that was not your business, as if I was not man enough to handle it myself.”
She flamed. “I told ye why I did it! I did it tae help ye!”
He put up a hand. “You did not let me finish,” he said evenly. “By putting yourself into that situation, you put yourself in harm’s way. Those men were armed and you had a little knife you thought to fend them off with. While admirable, it was foolish. Do you know why I became angry? Because I was terrified that those men were going to run you through and there would have been nothing I could have done to save you.”
Rhoswyn stared at him as he stood down there, being beaten by the elements. As she stood there, she felt someone coming up behind her and she turned to see that Keith had made an appearance. He’d heard the shouting, too, and he’d come to see what was transpiring.
But Rhoswyn held him off from showing himself to Troy, fearful that Troy wouldn’t say everything he wanted or even needed to say if he knew Keith was there. It would be much better if he thought he was only talking to Rhoswyn.
Still… he was shouting their business for all to hear. But Rhoswyn wanted to think this was just between them. Troy had come to get her back… she wanted him to try.
“I can take care of meself,” she said after a moment. “Ye dunna need tae worry about savin’ me.”
Troy wiped the water from his eyes. “You are my wife,” he said. “I will always worry about saving you, whether or not you like it. And when I said I needed a wife and not a warrior… I meant it, Rhoswyn. I have thousands of warriors at my disposal, but only one wife. It is a very big role you fill in my life and although I know you were raised to fight, I do not need you to do it. I do not want you to. And I am not trying to be cruel by telling you that, merely honest. I want my wife to work beside me, to laugh with me, to tend to my home and to my children, if we are so blessed. But fighting… I will be honest and tell you that it is a man’s work. In our home, I want it to remain that way.”
Rhoswyn listened to a man who seemed very repentant about what he’d said to her, but also very honest in what he was telling her. She sensed a fragility from him that she’d never sensed before. Yet, what he was telling her was truthful – fighting was man’s work. Still, it was the only thing she’d ever known. But she very badly wanted to be the wife he wanted her to be.
“I know it is a man’s work,” she said, feeling some vulnerability of her own. “I… I’m just not prepared for bein’ a wife. I tried; ye know I tried. But one moment in town when I thought ye were in danger dashed all of the tryin’ I’d been doin’. Mayhap I was simply lyin’ to meself about it, thinkin’ I could become a lady.”
Troy could hear defeat in her voice, defeat he knew he’d put there. He didn’t like to hear it, not from the strongest woman he’d ever known.
“I do not want you to be discouraged by what I’ve told you,” he said. “I simply want you to find your place in the world. In my world. I have seen you work over the past few days and I told you I was pleased. More than pleased. I do not want to go back to Monteviot without you, sweetheart. Please do not make me leave alone.”
Sweetheart. Rhoswyn nearly swooned as he called her a pet name, a term of endearment. Nothing had ever sounded so wonderful to her ears. She looked to her father as if, suddenly, she believed everything he’d told her. Troy had been genuinely remorseful with what had happened. It made her heart swell with hope that, perhaps someday, he might even feel something for her. She knew she loved him; she didn’t expect such things from him, not now. What she felt was her own private paradise. But someday… perhaps there would be love between them.
She could only hope.
“Ye are?” She returned her attention to Troy. “Pleased, I mean.”
“I am.”
“What about not needin’ me?”
Troy sighed heavily. “I was angry when I said it,” he said. “I should not have said it. Forgive me, Rhoswyn. But do you understand why I was so angry with you? You know I’ve already lost one wife. I could not stand to lose you, too.”
All of the hurt and anger drained out of her at that moment. It must have been very difficult for him to admit such a thing. Of course she wanted to forgive him; not wanting to see him, telling her father she never wanted to speak with Troy again, was her anger speaking, too. She understood what it was to be angry and say things one didn’t mean because she was guilty of it, too.
“Ye’ll not lose me,” she said. “And I’ll go back to Monteviot with ye. But if ye’re ever in danger and I get the urge tae fight again…”
He put up his hands. “If I need your help, I will ask,” he said. “But only if I ask. Is it a bargain?”
She fought off a grin, thinking that it sounded like a most reasonable deal. “’Tis a bargain.”
A smile spread across Troy’s lips. “And, Rhoswyn?”
“Aye?”
“I am glad you adore me because I… I adore you, also.”
Her features went slack with the impact of his words and all she wanted to do was go to the man and throw her arms around him. Every harsh word, every sorrowful feeling melted away until all she could hear were those words ringing in her head –
I adore you, also.
They were the most wonderful words she’d ever heard.
But the warm and tender moment was cut short when something went sailing past Troy’s head. He’d been looking up at Rhoswyn and caught the movement out of the corner of his eye. He ducked, but not quickly enough. Something clipped him on the forehead and he went down as two bodies suddenly rushed him, coming from the direction of the tower. Troy was suddenly was under attack and Keith ran from the chamber, cursing a blue streak, with Rhoswyn right on his heels.
It wasn’t strange how quickly she forgot her bargain with him. If I need your help, I’ll ask. He didn’t ask, but she was going to help him, anyway.
At that moment, the instinct to protect him was stronger than that promise.