CHAPTER TWENTY
The trip south seemed oddly faster than the trip north. Perhaps it was because Mathias was moving much quicker than he had on the ride north, as if he was being trailed by Scots and was working as hard as he could to put distance between his wife and danger.
Whatever the case, they left her brown palfrey behind and rode double astride his muscular silver charger because Mathias didn’t want to have to worry about his wife on a separate horse. He wanted her with him, and on an animal he trusted. But most importantly, they kept the otter bottled up so he could not escape and run off, costing them valuable time. Cathlina had him swaddled up like a babe in her arms, and the otter rode fairly contentedly that way.
No amount of pleading or arguing could convince her to leave Midgy behind. Mathias had tried, Sebastian had even tried, but ultimately she refused to leave her pet. She was upset enough that Mathias was taking her home and, in truth, he didn’t have the heart to forcibly remove her from her pet, so he let the beast come along purely to keep her happy.
But Cathlina wasn’t happy. She was miserable at the thought of being separated from Mathias, especially since he was evidently heading towards a massive battle, Scots against Scots, with the English participating purely for their own benefit. Mathias, her sweet Mathias, was in the middle of it. When they had come north, she knew why and she knew that he would be involved in military operations, but she had no idea the reality of it. A concept was one thing but the reality was quite different. The knowledge of it all was overwhelming her.
Mathias knew this and it ate at him. Cathlina had become increasingly distant from him since they had left Kinghorn to the point where they would ride for hours and not speak to one another. He tried to break the ice, to engage her in conversation, but she would barely answer him or not at all. She was nothing like the adorable chatterbox he had come to know. She was sullen and withdrawn no matter what he tried to do to break her out of it. Her behavior was tearing him all to pieces.
On the fifth day on the road to Carlisle, they entered Langholm near sunset. The river was flowing softly by the familiar town and the smells of cooking fires hung heavy in the air. It was the magical time of twilight and Mathias headed for the same inn where he and Cathlina had stayed on their way to Edinburgh. He hoped it would break her from her mood with only good memories associated with it. At that point, he was willing to give anything a try.
The man at the tavern remembered them and rented them the same cottage for the night. Mathias ordered a meal to be sent to them as Cathlina took her satchel, and the otter, and headed for the cottage down the narrow path towards the river. Midgy, smelling his home, leapt from her arms and immediately dove into the muddy river, swimming happily. Cathlina watched him for a few moments as Mathias unlatched the cabin door and took their possessions inside.
As Mathias started a fire, Cathlina remained outside, watching the otter play. There were other otters around, now coming out to join in the fun. As Cathlina stood there and observed, Mathias came out of the cottage and walked up behind her.
“You must be exhausted,” he said softly. “Come inside and rest awhile. Our meal should be down shortly.”
Cathlina shook her head, watching Midgy play. “I am not tired,” she said.
Mathias sighed faintly. “Cathlina,” he murmured. “Love, it has been days since you have spoken civilly to me. I realize you are upset. I am upset, but I do not want to spend my last few days with you in tense silence. Please do not shut me out. I cannot bear it.”
Cathlina’s gaze was still on the otter but she could feel his words like stabs to her heart. Her eyes began to fill with tears and before she realized it, they were pouring down her cheeks. Pain filled her, such as she had never known.
“This has all happened so fast,” she whispered, lips trembling. “We have been living a fool’s dream, Mathias. We married hastily, we ran from my father to Scotland so that you could restore your honor as a knight, and now we are returning home again, only I will be returning home in shame and you will be returning to Scotland to fight for glory. You have no right to take me home and leave me there alone to bear the shame for what we have done. It is cowardly.”
Mathias’ jaw ticked as he struggled not to become overwhelmed with emotion. “I am taking you home for your own safety,” he said. “How many times do I have to tell you that? Would you rather stay in Scotland where your life would be in danger every minute of every day?”
“Why not?” she whirled on him, shouting. “Why not? Your life is in danger every minute of every day, so why not mine? You married me because you wanted to share your life with me, but you are not. You are casting me aside like so much rubbish because you do not want to be bothered with me. Your glory and your restoration of honor are far more important. I was convenient to you until a few days ago, until you learned what de Beaumont wanted from you, and now I am inconvenient so you are returning me where you found me.”
He looked at her, horrified. “Is that what you think?” he asked, incredulous. “That I find you convenient or inconvenient depending upon my whim?”
“Aye, I do,” she said, now in his face and matching him outrage for outrage. “There could be no other reason for taking me back to England. While you are at it, you should pin a note to my chest that says how sorry you are for taking me without permission but now that you are on your way to being a great knight again, you no longer have need of me.”
He was pale with bewilderment and anger. “That is a horrible thing to say.”
Cathlina wouldn’t back down. The tears were falling with a vengeance. “I was a comfort and companion to you when you were just a smithy,” she sobbed. “You loved me and found me charming, and all was well. But now that you are a soldier again, you no longer have need of me. I wish you were just a smithy again, Mathias. I hate the selfish warrior who loves battle more than he loves me.”
He stared at her, astonished. She couldn’t have done more damage than if she had stabbed him through the heart. Perhaps that physical pain would have been preferable to the emotional pain he was feeling at the moment.
“You once told me that you did not care if I was a smithy, a dishonored knight, or the bloody King of England,” he said softly. “All you cared about was that we were man and wife.”
She jabbed a finger at him. “I said that all I cared about was that we were together,” she said. “Mathias, when you take me back to England, we will not be together. You will achieve your knightly redemption without me by your side. Is this really what you intended all along?”
Mathias sincerely didn’t know what to say to her. He didn’t want to admit that some of her words made some sense. He didn’t want to acknowledge it.
“I love you, Cathlina,” he said hoarsely, looking lost and defeated. “I am so sorry you feel this way, but it is not the truth. I swear to God, it is not the truth.”
She wept painfully, turning her back on him. “Take me home, Mathias,” she wept bitterly. “Take me home and then return to Scotland. But when your battles are over and your glory is restored, do not come for me. I do not want you to. I will never be the thing you love most in this world; your vocation and your world as a knight will. I will always come second.”
Mathias could hardly breathe for the pain in his heart. In fact, he put a hand over his chest as if to hold in the anguish. He simply couldn’t believe what he was hearing.
“What can I do to prove to you that you are the most important thing to me?” he begged softly. “Tell me what to do and I will do it.”
Cathlina wiped at her face, clearing room for the new tears that were falling. She shook her head. “You will not do it.”
“You cannot know that unless you tell me what it is.”
She sniffled. “Do not go back to Scotland,” she said. “Come back with me to Brampton and resume your life as a smithy. Forget you were ever a knight and let us live simply and without violence. Let us go back to those first days of our acquaintance when the world was so new and bright, and there were no battles to interfere in our world. I want it to be like that, always.”
He sighed heavily and hung his head, mulling over her statement. “Is that what it will take?”
“Aye.”
“You are asking me to leave my father and brother and friend behind, men who are depending on me to do what I said I would. They are depending on me to fight with them.”
“I am depending on you to be my husband.”
“I cannot do both?”
“You can if you take me back to Scotland with you so we are not separated.”
“I will not put you in danger.”
“Then you have a choice. Give up de Beaumont’s wars and return with me, or go fight for the Scots and forget you ever had a wife.”
Mathias found himself weak with emotion, with the overwhelming stress of what she was saying. She was giving him no choice at all. He couldn’t understand why she didn’t see that.
“Before I took my wedding vows with you, I took another oath,” he muttered, feeling despondent even as he said it. “I took an oath of the code of chivalry. I became a knight long before I ever became a husband. You are asking me to choose between you and a timeless code of honor that has become the very fabric of my being. As much as I love you, and I love you more than any man has ever loved a woman, I have an honor within me that cannot be undone, not even by you. I will not leave my father and brother and friend in Scotland, fighting a war that I dragged them into. You know why I had to do this. I thought you understood a knight’s heart, my heart, but I see that I was mistaken. All you can see is what you want to see and demand that I prove my love to you as if my word and actions are not good enough. I find that uncommonly selfish and petty. Tomorrow, I will take you back to Carlisle Castle and I will return to Scotland to do what I said I would do. When it is over, make no mistake that I will return for my wife, and we will be together until the end of my life. If you want to hate me for doing as I must, then I cannot stop you. I am sorry it has come to this.”
With that, he turned and went inside the cottage, leaving the door open so she could follow. Cathlina, however, didn’t follow. She stood there, staring at the spot she had last seen him standing, wondering how the situation had turned so terrible.
She loved Mathias. She loved him with all of her heart and deep down she knew he loved her too. She understood the chivalric code, but she also understood her own wants. Her husband with her, safely, and not off fighting Scots who threw their axes into men’s chests. It was a reality she couldn’t accept and at the pinnacle of it was her terror that Mathias would never make it back to her. She was terrified that she was going to lose him.
Breaking down into painful sobs, Cathlina collapsed right there on the river bank with Midgy frolicking several yards away.
When Mathias came out of the cottage an hour later to look for her, he found her sleeping the sleep of the dead on the cold river bank. Sweeping her into his arms, he hugged her tightly as he took her back to the cottage. When they slept, it was in each other’s arms.
*
She could feel his hot breath on her neck.
It was early morning as the sun strained to break free of the horizon, sending pillars of golden light through the window, filling the tiny cottage with illumination. Cathlina and Mathias were burrowed down deep in the little bed, smothered by covers in their warm and wonderful world. Cathlina could feel Mathias’ massive body wrapped around her, his naked hip next to her hand. Feeling him, smelling him, brought about warm and passionate feelings. Half-asleep, Cathlina stroked his hip with her hand, wriggling her bum back against him.
Mostly asleep, Mathis still responded to her, as he always did when she was close. There was something about the woman that sent liquid fire through his veins that he could not control. She was still clad in her surcoat and shift from the night before but his hands snaked up her skirts as his mouth latched on to her ear. She trembled giddily as he suckled a sensitive little lobe, his hands already pulling her legs apart and pushing her skirts out of the way.
Cathlina groaned as he entered her from behind, thrusting deep into her heated and moist body. He held her pelvis against his as he found his rhythm, performing the primal mating ritual that joined his body to hers. He pulled her left leg up, holding her fast so he could gain more freedom of movement as his mouth moved to her neck and gently nibbled. The more he thrust, the more inflamed he became, biting her shoulder and listening to her gasp with the pleasure-pain of it. Letting go of her leg, he flipped her onto her back and mounted her once more, long and hard.
Cathlina was swept up in their love making, her hand on his face as he repeatedly impaled her on his enormous phallus. Mathias kissed her deeply, his tongue invading her sweet mouth, tasting her as if he were feeding a massive hunger that refused to be sated. He pulled at her surcoat, freeing her breasts, and his tongue lapped up the tender nipples greedily as he continued to thrust. A hand moved to the junction where their bodies were joined and he rubbed her mound, feeling her buck and gasp beneath him.
When she finally found her pleasure, he answered with a massive climax of his own. His seed was spilled, filling her deeply and fully, and he whispered his love for her over and over, telling her how very much he adored her. Exhausted, Cathlina kissed him tenderly before snuggling down against him and falling back asleep.
Mathias, however, remained awake. Even though the sun was rising and they needed to start their day, he was loath to get out of bed, wallowing in this delicate cocoon of warmth and love. After the night they’d had, the things that had been said, he wanted to forget it all like some horrible nightmare. Worse still, he was coming to wonder if she wasn’t right. Was his knighthood more important than her? Was he being selfish? He didn’t think so, and he hated it when he started to second-guess himself. As Cathlina snored softly, he carefully disengaged himself from her and got out of bed.
Mathias was very quiet as he donned his clothing but once he began to put on his armor, the noise awoke Cathlina. He passed a glance at her after putting on his noisy mail coat and saw that she was awake and looking at him. He smiled timidly.
“Good morn, love,” he said softly. “Did you sleep well?”
Cathlina nodded, sitting up in bed as she watched him pull on his hauberk. “I did, but I had a horrible dream,” she said, rubbing her eyes. “I had a terrible dream that we quarreled.”
His jaw ticked faintly as he straightened out the mail hood. “That was no dream,” he muttered. “I am afraid we did quarrel. I am sorry if I hurt you. You know I would never knowingly do that.”
Cathlina blinked her sleepy eyes, thinking back to the previous night and the things that were said. She started to get misty but rubbed her eyes again to mask it.
“Then nothing has changed,” she whispered sadly. “You are still taking me home and then returning to Scotland without me. I do not know why you should apologize for choosing your own wants over mine.”
He didn’t want to start arguing with her again. He put his shoulder protection on and began strapping it to the breastplate. “I have a duty, Cathlina,” he said softly. “I am sorry if you cannot understand that.”
“You have a duty to me as well. I am sorry if you cannot understand that.”
“I will not have this conversation with you again. The subject is closed.”
Cathlina shut her mouth. Silently, she climbed out of the bed and began stripping of her clothing, completely ignoring Mathias as he finished dressing. There was a bucket of water on the table and she proceeded to pull out a clean shift, clean surcoat, her precious lavender soap and a rag. As Mathias pulled on his boots, she stood in her shift and washed her face, neck and arms, rinsing off in the very cold water and drying herself with the hem of the shift she was wearing.
As Mathias finished dressing and just sat and watched, she pulled off the shift she was wearing, exposing her luscious nude body to the weak morning light. Mathias inspected her hungrily, her sweet curves and remembering how they tasted upon his tongue. But she quickly covered up, pulling the clean white shift on and then a red linen surcoat over it. In little time she was completely dressed, braiding her hair into one thick braid and draping it over one shoulder. All the while, Mathias sat and watched her, feeling the pain of their disagreement like daggers. It was all he could do to breathe.
When Cathlina had finished dressing, she packed everything up in her satchel and opened the front door, calling for Midgy. She was back to ignoring him so Mathias quit the cottage and went to the livery to collect his charger as his wife tracked down the errant otter. He paid the stable boy to groom and saddle his horse, and by the time he returned to the cottage, Cathlina was standing on the riverbank sniffling. He went to her.
“Are you ready to leave?” he asked. When she turned around and he saw that she was weeping, his manner softened. He thought it was still because of him. “Love, I am truly sorry you are so upset but I will not continue to discuss it.”
She shook her head and wiped at her eyes, pointing to the river. “It is not that,” she said. “Midgy has not come back. I fear he is gone.”
Mathias could see that she was genuinely upset and his hawk-like gaze perused the area. “This is where we first found him,” he said gently. “Do you suppose he has returned to his family? It is quite possible, you know. I would not worry that something has happened to him. He more than likely simply went back to his family.”
“Do you think so?”
“I do.”
She was sobbing softly, looking over the river. “I hope not,” she said. “I will miss him so.”
Even though she was angry with him, Mathias threw caution to the wind and put his arms around her, kissing her forehead. To his surprise, she didn’t stiffen or pull away. She continued to sniffle softly, watching the river and hoping her otter would make an appearance. But there was no sign of Midgy. Mathias sighed softly.
“We cannot wait for him,” he said gently. “We must be on our way.”
“Can I call for him a little longer?”
He wriggled his eyebrows and released her from his embrace. “Just a few more minutes and then we really must leave,” he told her. “I will go to the inn and procure some food for the journey, and we will leave when I get back.”
Cathlina nodded and began walking the river bank, calling for her pet. Mathias watched her a moment, feeling sad for her, for the situation in general, before heading up the path to the tavern. By the time he returned nearly an hour later, as he wanted to give her plenty of time to hunt for her pet, he found her sitting outside of the cottage with her satchel in her lap, waiting for him. When he walked up to her, she didn’t look at him. Her gaze lingered on the gently flowing river.
“Midgy has not come back,” she said sadly.
Mathias sighed softly, his gaze moving out over the river. “We cannot spare more time to look for him now but if it will make you happy, I will return when time allows to search for him.”
“Promise?”
“I do.”
She squared her shoulders. “Then we may leave now.”
Mathias knew how she must be hurting but he respected the fact that she was trying to be strong about it. He grasped her elbow gently and helped her to her feet, not saying a word. At the moment, he wasn’t entirely sure what to say. They were facing a difficult enough day ahead without the added sorrow of the missing pet. No, he wasn’t sure what to say to her at all.
The horse was waiting by the tavern, tied to a wooden post shoved deep into the ground. The dirt was surprisingly dry and dusty in the mid-summer season and the lower legs of the silver charger were already a dusty brown. As Mathias escorted her to the charger, they passed by a towering rose vine that grew up all around the south side of the tavern and was bursting with small white roses. Cathlina reached out and plucked a piece of the vine that had four or five roses on it. She held it to her nose as Mathias lifted her up onto the charger.
Mathias mounted behind his wife, collecting the reins of the charger and directing the animal onto the main road south. All the while, Cathlina sat silently in front of him, smelling the roses. When they took the bridge over the river, she didn’t look to see if Midgy was anywhere to be found. It was as if she had given up. There was too much on her mind and Midgy was the last straw. When they were about a mile south of the town, Mathias heard her break down into soft sobs. Whether it was for him or the otter, he didn’t know. He didn’t even ask, for nothing he could say would ease either situation. He didn’t want to make things worse. She withdrew completely, and Mathias let her.
He let her cry.