CHAPTER 13
Liam practically skipped off the elevator when he reached his floor. Finding a clue such as he had could give them a major upper hand. As advanced as technology had become in recent years, it was still flawed and never really anonymous. Hackers, programmers, coders – they all had their own personal style and left traces of themselves behind at some point. If you were really good – and Liam was really fucking good – you could find those traces and learn a lot about the person behind it.
The rug was quickly pulled from under him, as it often was, when he and his brothers entered his apartment. Reagan was sitting on the couch crying, flanked by Wylie who had stayed with her, and Felicity on either side. His heart sank. That familiar nagging sensation to retreat back into himself settled in, and he began to shut down before he even knew what the crisis was.
Wylie looked up, tears in his eyes. “Hart died.”
Grunts and groans filled the space as the sadness Reagan was exuding fell upon everyone. Hart was her mini ginger pig and best friend. After her mom passed away, the brothers tried everything to put the sparkle back in that little girl’s eyes. Luke finally succeeded when he took her to a pet store, giving Liam time to grieve alone one day.
The animals made her smile, sure, but the minute she saw Hart’s ginger hair that matched hers, the twinkle was back. Luke didn’t care what Liam would say on the matter; he bought the pig. Hart wasn’t any bigger than a house cat and was easily box trained. He even walked on a leash. Though he had his own kennel, he tended to sleep on Reagan’s pillow right next to her every night. It was like he knew how badly she needed him.
Reagan named him Hart because she said he made her heart feel better. She just couldn’t spell it. He was the best thing in the worst time, and now he was gone. Her devastation was their devastation.
Wylie straightened, trying to push the sorrow aside, which wasn’t easy for him as the sensitive brother. “The vet said he, uh, had a heart attack.”
“I told you guys to stop giving him so much junk. Jesus,” Liam fired in response. He pointed to Luke. “This is your fault.”
In an attempt to break up an impending argument, Wylie continued, “The vet took him with him, said Hart will be back in about a week.”
“Back in a week?” Liam threw his hands out wide, assuming Wylie meant a new pig to pass off as Hart. “What the hell, Wylie?”
“We’re having him cremated,” Wylie defended.
Liam cocked his head to one side. “Is that even a thing?”
“Yes. Yes, it is a thing,” Wylie fired back a little more hastily than intended. He nodded his head at Reagan and said, “Jesus. Lighten up, Liam.”
Luke plopped down on a nearby chair, resting his head in his hands. “I should have got her the turtle. Those things live for decades.”
Liam shook his head at his brother. He needed someone to blame and didn’t want to deal with death, even if it was the death of a pig. “I told you that pig was a bad idea. Now look what happened – what I get to deal with. Thanks, Luke.”
“She wanted it! It was years ago, and you’re still hung up on this.” Luke took to his feet again, ready to put his brother in his place. “You should have seen her face. You would have bought it too. It was the first time she’d smiled since…”
Luke didn’t get to finish and say since her mom died because Reagan had had enough. “Stop it, all of you. Stop fighting.”
“Sorry kid,” Luke said, his expression full of regret. “Let’s head over to the pet store. Pick out anything you want.”
“I don’t want anything else.” This time Reagan stood, tears streaming. “I don’t want to love another thing. It hurts too badly, right dad? That’s why you don’t smile anymore. It just…hurts.”
Liam’s heart sank. Her words pierced his heart in such a way he didn’t think he could breathe. Is that what she really thought of him – how he lived?
“Rea…”
“It’s true though, right?” the little girl continued, a sob breaking through her words. “That’s why you don’t love anything anymore.”
Liam just stood there, his mouth moving but absent of words. All eyes were on him, and he knew those sullen looks were as much for him as they were Reagan’s broken heart. He was speechless. He couldn’t lie to her and say she was wrong because he didn’t know if she was wrong.
“City? Do you think there is a page in mom’s book for this? Do you think she told me what to do?” Reagan cried. “I need her right now.”
“Oh, honey. I don’t remember exactly, but I’m sure there’s something.” Felicity stood, stroking Reagan’s hair, trying to comfort her. “Your mama thought of everything. Let’s go look together, okay?” Felicity tossed a pained look over her shoulder at Liam and followed Reagan out of the room.
The brothers looked around at each other, each waiting for the other to say something.
“What do we do?” Dace asked, breaking the silence.
“I don’t think there’s anything we can do,” Luke replied. “She didn’t even want to pick out a new pet.”
Dace rolled his eyes. “Because the other one just died, man.”
“She…” Liam tossed his head back and searched the ceiling as if the answers were all there waiting for him. “She needs time. That’s all.”
“Yeah…to grieve,” Luke agreed. “Then maybe we take her to the pet store.”
“No,” Wylie corrected. “The shelter. We can rescue a dog this time. She’s older; she can handle it. She’s great with Dick. He’s in there with her now, actually.”
Dace nodded; it made sense, and he was on board. “How long do we wait. When will she be ready? After Hart’s ashes come back?
Luke looked to Liam. “Maybe we can have a little service for him in the rooftop garden?”
Felicity walked back into the living room but stopped when she saw all eyes on Liam. He looked as though he was reliving his own personal hell and about to totally lose his shit.
“I-I don’t know,” Liam finally answered. “I don’t know when or if it’s supposed to get better or easier. Saying goodbye…it doesn’t fix any of it. It’s just…always there.”
When Liam walked off and left the apartment, his brothers reacted with regret. Despite thinking he was in a better place all these years later, they’d triggered him. He was back in that moment, wanting to feel something again, something that didn’t hurt. There were muffled oh shits going around the room, none of his brothers sure how to fix whatever he was going through at that moment.
Liam found himself on the rooftop, as he often did when he needed to clear his mind or feel closer to his wife. It was her favorite place in the building, therefore it became his. It was a different world up there. You could see the bustling city all around to one side, the river disappearing in the distance on the other side. It was quiet, you could hear yourself think up there, and it felt like the clouds were within reach. It was peaceful.
With his foot on the ledge and his arms slung over the railing, he recalled what Reagan had said. She didn’t want to love anything else and thought he understood that. That’s what she saw in him – what she had learned from him. It hurt him that she felt that way. It nearly killed him that he taught her to feel that way.
Guilt was a daily occurrence for Liam. He never felt like he was doing anything right as a father, brother, son, friend…husband. Guilt consumed him when he saw the way everyone looked at him, that they pitied him, and he couldn’t be more for them. But the moment he gave in to joy and let go of the pain, even for a moment, he felt guilty for feeling anything but grief for his wife. Like he was letting her down by being happy.
Sure, he knew he was being ridiculous with his mixed bag of emotions, but there wasn’t a rule book. There wasn’t a guide to any of this. How do you act when you lose the most important person in your life before you get to live out your hopes and dreams? When someone like that dies, part of you dies. It’s like living as half a person.
All of his hopes and dreams included Cassidy. Without her, they were nothing. Right? That’s how it felt when you didn’t know life any other way but with the person you lost. Now he’d passed on all of those questions and pain to their daughter because he didn’t know how to be a father if he wasn’t a husband too. Cassidy was their whole life, and she was gone. There was no filling that void. Life just stood still.
“Oh Cass…what am I doing?” he said out loud as he often did. “It’s been seven years, and I still don’t know what to do without you. It all still feels like…yesterday.”
He dropped his foot from the ledge and stood with his hands in his pockets, smiling as he watched the river. “Reagan is amazing. She’s growing so fast, too fast.” He laughed.
“You probably know that though, right?” He looked to the sky, leaning against the railing. “You’re up there watching, right? Yeah, you are. I feel you around us. You see her…us.”
“She really is the spitting image of my sister. She has Carigan’s fire and stubbornness; she’s such a redhead.” He shook his head and laughed. “Ragin’ Reagan. I don’t think she’ll ever outgrow that.”
“She has your sass, though. Sassy Cassy.” He watched the ground, his foot rolling over a small rock as he continued on. “She has your grace and kindness too. She’s an old soul who loves hard…just like you.”
He took a deep breath, and looked out to the river again. “Until today. I’m messing up. I’m doing this all wrong, Cass. Reagan’s had too much of me and not enough of you, and I’m so bad at this.”
“Hart died today, out of the blue. I’m actually going to miss him and his cold wet nose nudging my ankles, begging for food.” He laughed at the memory. “I know it’s just a pig, but he was her comfort when you…left. He kept a smile on her face when I couldn’t. He helped her miss you better and with less tears when I…couldn’t.”
“I still can’t. I don’t know what I’m doing, except ruining every bit of good you left her. She doesn’t want to love anything; that’s what I’ve taught her.” There was anger in his words, anger at himself. “She said the words, Cass, she said I don’t love anymore, and she isn’t wrong. I love her. I love the boys, even though they’re hard to love sometimes – and Ma and Da too of course.”
He paused as if he wasn’t sure what he was leading up to. “It’s like everything after you – there’s no room for it. Nobody can come in. My heart…it’s too full and empty, all at the same time. Like I can’t just love. I’m afraid to because the hurt gets easier, but the ache never leaves, Cass. It never leaves.”
“There’s this guilt too. I can’t really explain it, but every time I think I need to move on, find happiness…or smile even – I remember. I remember that you’re gone, and it isn’t fair that you’re gone. You don’t get to be happy…or smile.”
“I don’t like feeling so distant from Reagan. God, there’s days I miss her even after we were together all day. Doesn’t it make it easier for her though? Easier for her if I am distant and something happens? I’m home more, take less risks, but tomorrow isn’t promised no matter how careful you are, and there’s always life’s what if’s. She’s hurt enough to last a lifetime, and I don’t want her to ever hurt over me if…well, you know.”
“Jesus, I’m bad at this. You were great at it. I don’t know how to do this without you.” He kicked that loose rock around a little more, thinking about what he was saying. “Even gone, you’re better at this. Your letters, they’re everything to her. I never would have thought of that, but you did. You still do everything right with her…even gone.”
“She said she’s starting to forget things – little things. I don’t want her to forget, Cass. She can’t forget you. You need to last her a lifetime. God, I hope there’s enough letters.
He let out a silent sob and wiped a lone tear from his cheek before running his hands through his hair. “What do I do, Cassidy? Help me out here?”
Liam turned back to where he started, foot on the ledge, arms draped over the railing, and he rested his head there and waited for guidance. He was desperate.
“I thought I’d find you up here. You weren’t in the lair, so…” Felicity said from behind him. “You okay?”
She stood next to him, draping her arms over the railing as he had, and waited for him to answer. He finally nodded.
“We uh…found a letter for today. Loss of a pet,” she said, shaking her head in disbelief. “Cassidy’s words helped.”
“She always knew what to do and say…to everyone,” he replied softly.
“She really did think of everything.” Felicity smiled. “That was Cass.”
Liam nodded and nearly smiled. “Yeah…it was.”
After a moment of silence between them, Felicity went on. “So, we’re having a little movie night – home movies. I think Reagan’s tears had less to do with Hart and more to do with what he represented…her mom. She said she misses her, forgetting…”
“Yeah, I know,” Liam interrupted, his tone curt. “You guys go ahead.”
“We were thinking of having cake and some of Cass’s favorite things – to help her remember…”
Liam turned to face her, his body leaning against the railing. “Yeah, I get it. Reminders help her remember – got it. I can’t stop remembering so forgive me if I pass.” And he turned away, facing the water again.
“Okay then,” Felicity said, turning to walk away. “You know, Reagan said not to invite you, that it’ll just make you sad, and she can’t fix it. She is trying to take care of you rather than the other way around like it should be.”
Liam’s jaw dropped, stunned by the audacity of her words but more so that they were his daughter’s. He shrugged in defeat, shook his head and stared off.
“I’m glad she can’t see you like this,” Felicity said with disgust.
Liam spun on his heels to face Felicity, his anger obvious. “Reagan sees me like this every day.”
“You’re right, but that’s not who I’m talking about,” Felicity deadpanned. “Do you really think Cassidy wanted you to live this way? To sulk and feel sorry for yourself day in and day out…for the rest of your life?”
“Sulk and feel sorry for myself?” Liam raised his voice, angry that Felicity had been so insensitive. “My wife died, Felicity. She died and left me to raise a daughter, a daughter, all by myself. Something I don’t know the first thing about. I don’t know what to do or what to say when all of these things happen to her.”
“You don’t have to know what to say!” Felicity shouted and threw her hands in the air in frustration. “There isn’t a script, Liam. Just listen to your heart and be there for her like everyone else. Like Cassidy did before she even left. She wrote all those letters.” She threw her hands up again. “So many letters. To all of us, but you haven’t read any yours, have you? Because if you had, maybe you’d pull your head out of your uptight ass and live a little!”
“How am I supposed to be there for Reagan and pretend nothing happened when it did?” he argued.
“You’re right. It did happen, and it was awful and unfair, but it happened.” Felicity couldn’t hold back her despair - it was too overwhelming, and she’d held it in for too many years. “Liam, your wife died. She died! Not you! You’re still here, and you’re wasting so much time stuck in your own damn head, feeling sorry for yourself. It’s like you died too.”
“Feeling sorry for myself? You’re right! My wife died!” he fired back, trying to excuse all of his behaviors. “She left me…us. Then, I cheated on her! She wasn’t gone but a handful of months and I…we...” Liam looked away. He couldn’t look Felicity in the eye. “I did that…to my dead wife…because I felt sorry for myself. Now I live with that every single day.”
“Liam.”
“Then I have this girl. This angel of a girl, and all I see is her mother in her. She’s all I have left of her, and I’m ruining that too,” he continued, finally speaking his truth. Or what he thought to be his truth. “You’re right about everything, Felicity. It’s like I died too because from the minute she was gone, I’ve not known who I was or who I am supposed to be. It was always us. The first thing I do as just me – is a night of…of…what you and I did! That’s who I am without her?”
A long pause stood between them while Felicity regained her composure. “No, Liam, that’s not who you are. We all lost someone we loved the day Cassidy died. The difference is we all choose to live, not hide. You refuse to live. That’s who you are.”
Felicity turned and walked away. She didn’t look back because she didn’t want to see what her words did to him. More than that, she didn’t want him to see what they did to her.