CHAPTER 15
It wasn’t long before Liam left the rooftop and made his way back downstairs to his apartment. When he walked in through the front door, he heard giggles coming from the living room – Felicity and Reagan. It was far too much for him to deal with in the moment. He was still reeling from the ass chewing Felicity had handed him.
Standing in the middle of his bedroom, he looked around and realized nothing had changed since his wife passed. Everything was exactly as she had left it. Why hadn’t he changed it? It was like an odd tribute to her, a museum of memories. This really is unhealthy, he thought.
He saw Cassidy in every inch of the space, but the bed – that’s where he saw Felicity, and it pained him with guilt. That night came flooding back to him as he thought about Felicity’s words on the rooftop. Cassidy had been gone for what felt like a minute but was really months and months past. Reagan had fallen ill – very ill – and he was dealing with it for the first time as a single parent.
He was frightened, afraid to lose her too, and it left him feeling vulnerable and broken. When her fever finally broke, and things started looking up, Liam broke down. It was another one of the many firsts – first Christmas without his wife, first round of birthdays without her, Reagan losing her first tooth, and first major illness without her. Sounded strange, even to him, but having to deal with even the simplest of things for the first time, alone, took its toll. Reagan’s illness affected him, more so than most other things, because it had a potentially devastating outcome.
He looked to the balcony off his bedroom and remembered standing out there twenty something floors above the city, losing his shit. Felicity found him there and consoled him as she often did. She was so good to them – to all of them, even Cassidy before she passed. Liam and Felicity had grieved together. He lost his wife. She lost her best friend. They had become like sisters. But, like Felicity said, an hour or so earlier on the rooftop, she eventually chose to go on living like everyone else in their life had. Liam chose to stand still in the storm, numb, frozen in place for roughly seven years.
Cassidy had been gone just over a year that night on the balcony. There had been a shift in the air. A sudden sense of desire that had never provoked them before engulfed them. Something sparked, it was like they each had something the other desperately needed to feel, and maybe even heal.
They acted on it with reckless abandon. What started as a night of emotional chaos ended as a night of libidinous passion. They spent the night wrapped in each other’s arms, trying to satisfy an insatiable craving. It was raw – it was all consuming – it was beautiful.
Everything felt right until he woke and saw his wife’s picture and realized what he had done in her home, her room, her bed. The guilt consumed him. He’d betrayed his wife. How could he have done that to her, replaced her so quickly? He had a responsibility to his wife – to raise their daughter, not look for love or even just sex.
It hadn’t been just sex with Felicity though. Maybe that it was more was what scared him the most, he thought. She wasn’t the kind of girl you have a one-night stand with. She was the kind of girl you loved and built a beautiful life with. She deserved that, at the very least.
Felicity was in his head. Everything she had said on the rooftop just played over and over. Would Cassidy be disappointed in how he was behaving? Probably, but he didn’t know any other way to live, especially after living this way for so long. Maybe he did need to move on, leave the guilt behind. It didn’t have to mean he was leaving Cass behind, he told himself, did it?
Wandering thoughts landed on Cassidy and what she would have wanted for him. He knew what she wanted, at the very least, because she had told him before she left them. She wanted him to be happy, didn’t want him to spend his life alone. It wasn’t obvious to him then because his loyalty to his wife clouded his thoughts and cloaked his heart. She wanted him to find love again.
Battling between heart and mind, he negotiated the reasons moving on was damaging as much as fruitful. Loving meant losing. That possibility was always going to be there, and he’d lost enough in his life and had plenty of people to worry about already. It was a gamble and not one he was sure he could make. Or could he?
Liam went to his closet, reached for a box on a high shelf, and took it back to his bed. He sat down, facing the French doors that led to the balcony, watching the city in the distance while the box sat next to him. Felicity’s words were flooding his mind – the letters. He asked Cassidy to help him. Was this the help he needed? The letters?
With a deep breath, he removed the lid of the box and pulled out a scrap book that looked much like Reagan’s. He sat there briefly, his hand flat on the cover, preparing himself for what he would find inside. When he opened the cover, the first thing he saw was a candid picture of Cassidy and him that he didn’t even remember taking. Her handwriting below shook him to the core, and he abruptly closed the book, and closed his eyes, begging, pleading to keep it together.
It was time to move forward, whatever that meant, and he knew this scrapbook was the first step. With shaking hands, he opened the scrapbook once more, his breathing slightly labored, and dragged his fingers over the words she wrote.
For Liam…
My forever friend – my forever companion – my forever love
Until we meet again…
Cass
He looked at the protruding tabs that labeled each page. It was a book of firsts just like Reagan’s. Some were Reagan’s firsts, some were clearly firsts for him…without her. How she wrote so many letters and made beautiful pages for each, adorned with meaningful pictures, in the short time she had was beyond him. She had written everyone a letter, but Reagan and Liam received a book of firsts.
There was some catching up to do, so many letters that were for times that had already passed – and he would get to those, but first…her goodbye.
My dearest Liam,
This is the first letter I am writing and, by far, the hardest. It needed to be first because it is the most important. There are so many things I want to say, but there isn’t enough time…or words. How do you summarize a lifetime in a single letter?
I need you to understand that I am okay with the hand I was dealt. I don’t feel cheated or robbed of time. I don’t feel like I missed anything and certainly don’t want for anything. I’m not disappointed or angry. To feel any of those things would be a terrible discourtesy to all of that which I have had the joy to experience and live. I don’t want you to feel those things either, Liam.
I had my second chance. I was already given more time – time to be a mother, a better wife, a better friend. Not many people get that privilege – to see life through new eyes like I did. I’m lucky, Liam. Lucky to have been given that time, albeit short, to be who I was meant to be. Forever is wasted if it isn’t through the right eyes, with the right people.
We’ve had a wonderful life together, one that forty or fifty more years couldn’t have made any better. Don’t confuse time and joy. Joy only takes an instant to feel and lasts long past forever. I choose to take the joy with me over the time, my love. I hope you can understand what that means…eventually. I found joy in you, the family we built, and that sweet little girl you gave me. Liam, please remember the joy. It’s the root of everything good, and it will heal that which isn’t.
I don’t think there is a greater love than the love you carry. Remember to love – all things – even when it’s hard to remember how. It will see you through the hard times and bring you joy during the good…there’s that word again…joy. I know our parting isn’t going to be easy for you. My only regret is that I can’t help you carry that burden because I would gladly take it with me if I could, but that would mean I take everything we cherish too. Do you understand that, Liam?
I need you to understand that the greater the hurt, the greater the love, and our love is bigger than the sky, remember? It’s okay to hurt. With every bad day you have, remember the endless good we shared. The beautiful life full of incredible memories is why it hurts so bad, but they’re also what will see you through. Your grief is a testament to the love we share. For every bad day, there will be endless good…so long as you let your heart feel it.
I’ve left you with the arduous task of raising a daughter alone, and I know you’re going to think it impossible, but I can’t think of a better man to do right by her. On those days where you do think it’s impossible, and you aren’t sure what to do – just love her. Just…love her, Liam. If you do that and teach her to love like only you can love, she’ll live a full and charmed life.
You’re my everything, Liam – my best friend, my lover, my confidant, my hero, my blessing, my first and only forever love. Please be my hero once more. Let yourself have the life you deserve, even if it’s without me. Live a whole life because half a life…it’s just not you.
Be happy, Liam. Let me go when the time is right, and be…happy. Your love isn’t to be wasted. When the time comes, give it to someone who deserves it. You’ll know who and when. Continue to love as fiercely and endlessly as you’ve loved me. You’re a treasure to be had.
My best memories are of you and Reagan. My life started with the two of you. My fondest memory though, is of you…dancing in the rain when our car stalled in the middle of nowhere and we didn’t have cell service. The romantic evening you planned fell apart – you were so frustrated at first. Nothing could have topped splashing in the mud puddles while dancing in the middle of the road during a storm with you. With every storm that passes, my love…remember to always dance in the rain.
I’m always with you, Liam. You’re never alone. I hope the letters I’ve written for you and Reagan help weather the storms. Dance, my love…teach our daughter to dance.
With all of my heart, I love you forever and always…
Until we meet again…
Cassidy
Liam leaned against the oversized pillows and headboard of his bed, dropping the letter in his lap, tears flowing freely. Though painful to read, he felt lighter, and that confused him. The pain was different than that which he had been carrying around for so many years.
Letting his wife go wasn’t something he could do entirely, not now, maybe not ever. She wanted him to dance in the rain. He laughed at that memory. It was one of his favorites too. It summed up who they were individually and as a couple. Could he really have that again?
Felicity was right. Cassidy would be disappointed in how he’d behaved and who he’d become. His grief was for himself, out of fear and guilt because he didn’t stop to relish the memories, only the pain. Sure, the memories were painful, but that was the point. That’s what made them worth having. It’s what made a person feel – they were joy.
He wasn’t living a whole life. He wasn’t teaching their daughter to dance in the rain or to love hard. He taught her to shut down, stole her joy, and there was absolutely no dancing.
It wasn’t fair that she was gone, but what he didn’t realize was that it was unfair for him, not her. He saw her final time with them as too short and not enough. Cassidy saw it as a privileged opportunity, an advantage that most didn’t have. A second chance, she’d said. He hadn’t thought of it that way. In hindsight, to be fair, they’d both had a second chance.
The more he considered her words and pondered the meanings behind them, the less the tears were of sadness but of joy. That word she mentioned…joy. Cass was gone, but the countless memories weren’t, and if he had been paying attention, she lived on in their daughter. How had his missed all of that? How could he have been so numb – selfish – wasted so much time?
If he had learned anything in the past few moments, reading the wisest words he’d been privileged to read, it was that time was precious. It wasn’t about how much you had, but how you spent it – how you lived it. At first, he wished he’d read the letter sooner, but then he realized that it wouldn’t have mattered. Like Cass said in her letter, when he was ready. That was a loaded statement. Ready for what? Everything. He was finally in a place where her words were healing, freeing even ready.
It wasn’t lost on him that he all but lost his shit on the rooftop, asking her for help, and Felicity showed up not a minute later. Her words bit, and they stung, but they were what he needed to hear. She sent him right to Cass…her letter. Or, maybe it was the other way around.
She wanted him to be happy, not alone. Was he ready for that? Would he really know the who and when of it? He thought he might already have the answer to that.
Liam had a handful of letters to catch up on – all of the firsts he and Reagan had already experienced since her passing. He’d save those though because the giggles coming from the living room had his attention. It wouldn’t be easy to become reacquainted with his daughter, and he didn’t have the slightest idea where to start other than to stop wasting time and just love her.
He could do that, already did, but she needed to know what it truly meant to be loved by him. Something he’d neglected in many ways, until now.