Mum phones me when I get home from taking Becca to school. Today is the day I’ve been dreading all week, and if it wasn’t for Becca I would have stayed in bed until tomorrow. Three years. Seems much longer, yet, at the same time, it could have been yesterday. “Hiya,” I say to my mother, lapsing back into the Welsh way of greeting.

“How are you, my lovely?” she asks.

God, I wish I didn’t have to lie to her. I wish I could tell her I feel like crap, that I’m tired after being woken up in the middle of the night and not being able to get back to sleep because all I could think about was my neighbour’s hot body. But she’d get the wrong idea; she’d think there’s a chance I could get together with him. There isn’t a chance in hell; he’s a total wanker. So, instead, I just say, “I’m fine,” and leave it at that.

“Your dad and I were hoping to visit the weekend after next. See our granddaughter and where you’re living.”

“Sure.” I try to put some enthusiasm into my voice. “I mean, great. Becca would love that.”

“And you too, I hope.”

“Of course.” Again, I go for the false enthusiastic tone.

“So, what are your plans for today?” she asks, like I might need to decide between a whole range of options.

“Just work.” I shrug, staring out the window at sheets of rain sliding down the glass. There’s no way I’ll be doing any gardening, which is probably for the best; I don’t want the distraction of Daniel Collins. I masturbated thinking about him last night and felt like a slut for doing so. How freaking sad is that…

I hear my mother inhale a breath. “I worry about you, love. You’re still young, only twenty-eight. You’ve got a whole lifetime ahead of you. Why you had to go and bury yourself in the middle of nowhere is beyond me…”

“Please don’t, Mum. Don’t go on about it. It’s my life. Let me live it my own way.”

Silence on the other end of the phone.

“Mum?”

“It’s because your father and I care about you.”

“I know.” Tears well up in my eyes. “I’m sorry.” I sniff.

“So, we’ll see you next week? And maybe you should consider paying us a visit at the end of October when Becca has her half-term holiday? You could meet up with some of your old friends…”

“Yeah, maybe.” I sigh into the phone. Most of them are married, or in relationships. I’d stick out like a sore thumb. “Gotta go get some work done now, Mum.”

“Love you, darling,” she says. And she does; I know she does.

“Love you too.” My eyes prickle. “Give Dad a hug from me. And little sis.”

I end the call and go straight to the fridge. It’s only nine AM but fuck it. I freaking need a drink. I pour myself a glass of Chardonnay and down it in one. The cool crisp liquid dissolves the lump of loneliness in my throat.

Toby whines by my feet, looking up at me with accusing eyes. “It’s okay, boy. I’m stopping now.” I put the bottle back and, with heavy steps, make my way upstairs to my office.

* * *

After I’ve fetched Becca from school and listened to her reading homework, we’re hanging out together in the living room. Suddenly, the doorbell chimes. I open and release a gasp of surprise. Daniel and Ben are standing on the front step.

Daniel holds up a bag. “Fish and chips?”

I shake my head, confused. “And?”

“Sorry.” He laughs a genuine laugh, not his usual mocking one. “I should have explained.” He rubs his beard. “A couple of evenings a week, a mobile food vending van comes to the village. As I was buying for us, Ben suggested you and Becca might like some.”

“We also got drinks.” Ben smiles through the gap in his front teeth. “Daddy likes beer.” He pulls a face. “We buyed orange juice for Becca and me.”

Seems like they’ve turned up with food to share.

Incredible.

I can’t leave them standing on the doorstep, so I move aside.

Becca rushes up to Ben and pulls him towards the kitchen, Toby trotting next to them.

“I thought you’d be tired after last night.” Daniel follows behind the kids, his broad shoulders taking up practically all the space in my narrow hallway. “Don’t know about you, but I didn’t get much sleep after you went home.”

“Yeah.” I feel my cheeks burn as an image comes into my mind of me fingering myself.

We step into the kitchen; Daniel puts the food bag on the counter next to my fridge. “Anyway, Ben wanted to show you his thanks for soothing him from his nightmare. And I wanted to show mine.”

I narrow my eyes, suspicious. A leopard doesn’t change its spots. Daniel is a brute, isn’t he? He’s behaving totally out of character. “There’s really no need.”

“Oh, but there is.” He stares down at the floor. “I’ve been ill-mannered. Unneighbourly. Like you said, a prick.” Again, that genuine laugh... it’s as if he’s had a personality transplant.

“Apology accepted.” I’m at a loss for words.

The delicious aroma of fried battered cod and chip potatoes wafts from the bag as Daniel opens it. My mouth waters; I barely ate at lunchtime and didn’t feel like having anything when Becca wolfed down cookies and milk after school.

Daniel places full portions on his and my plates before dividing the third portion between Becca and Ben. They’ve already poured themselves glasses of juice. Daniel pops two cans of beer, and hands me one. “Cheers!”

I take a swig, then glance down at the beautiful tiled floor. I shuffle my feet and look up again. My eyes crash into his, and his stare pierces me. He pulls out a chair, and I sit without saying a word.

The food is delicious, and I eat hungrily. Daniel starts a silly conversation with the kids discussing the idea that if they could make a whole house out of food, which food would they use. I listen to Becca argue in favour of gingerbread, like the house in Hansel and Gretel, but Ben reasons that a Willy Wonka skyscraper made of chocolate and caramel would be much nicer. They giggle together as they shovel the fish and chips into their mouths, Toby drooling at their feet. Daniel challenges them next to a non-blinking contest, and we all participate, staring at each other wide-eyed until first Becca succumbs in a fit of giggles, then Ben, closely followed by me. Daniel is the clear winner. “What’s my prize?” he winks.

“There’s some ice-cream in the freezer.” I laugh. “Or would you prefer a glass of wine?”

“The latter, thanks.” Again, that genuine smile.

Where has the Brute gone?

“It’s only supermarket Chardonnay. Hope that’s okay.”

“Perfect.”

“Can we have some ice-cream, Mum?” Becca pleads.

“Just a little or you’ll get tummy ache after all that food.”

The kids take their dessert through to the living room to eat in front of the TV. Becca has recently moved on from loving The Lion King to becoming a fan of The Jungle Book, because of Ben’s influence, I think.

I sit back down after loading the dishwasher and pour wine for Daniel and myself. “Thanks for cheering me up.” I say to him. “I was dreading tonight.”

He quirks a brow. “A dark day?”

“You could say that.” I sip my wine.

“Care to elaborate.”

My lip trembles. “I lost my husband three years ago today.”

He reaches across the table and takes my hand. “These anniversaries are damn hard.”

I can only nod; the lump in my throat is too big to swallow.

“Tell me about him.”

And I do, telling him everything from when Josh at I first met at primary school, to when we grew apart at high school, to my silly crush on another boy, to Josh becoming my knight in shining armour, the love of my life. I even tell him about Josh’s illness, how quickly it took him.

Daniel is a good listener. He squeezes my fingers, makes me feel comforted. Maybe underneath his brutish façade, he’s a nice man? Maybe I shouldn’t have judged him so fast? What would it be like to be held by him, to rest my head against that broad chest?

I wait for him to share something about his late wife, but he doesn’t. Instead, he glances at his watch. “Time for me to take Ben home for his bath and bed.”

I push back my chair and carry our empty glasses to the sink. “Thanks again for the fish and chips.” I smile at him. “How about I cook for us tomorrow? I make an awesome Welsh stew, I’ve been told.”

Daniel is silent for a moment, and then he shakes his head. “I don’t know how to say this without coming across as a prick.” His grin is cynical. “But I’d rather not.”

I feel my cheeks burn. “You are a prick. I was only trying to reciprocate. Say thank you for tonight’s meal.”

He stands close, and I feel the heat of his body. My heart does a weird little flip. He lifts his hand and touches my cheek, leaning into me.

I stare into his eyes, and dammit, I can’t stop myself. I raise my face, parting my lips. In a beat, he’s kissing me. His kiss is expert, deep, and so erotic it makes my clit spark; my pussy throbs against the seam of my jeans as our hungry tongues roll together. He presses his hand to my crotch, rubbing me through the stiff fabric.

I let out a soft moan and lower my fingers to seek out his hardness.

“Jesus, Cat. We can’t do this.” He jumps back like I’ve scalded him. “I mustn’t risk…” He stops himself then carries on. “I mustn’t risk breaking the promise I made to my wife. Ben must be my top priority.”

I lift my eyes to his and see the guilt there. Guilt and something else. That desolate look is back again. Christ!

I’m about to apologise, tell him he’s right. We can’t do this. For a whole load of reasons. Except Becca and Ben come running into the kitchen, complaining that Toby has let off one of his stinky farts and they feel sick.

I catch the relief in Daniel’s expression that we’ve been interrupted, relief that quickly morphs into pain. God, he must be carrying a lot of baggage on those broad tattooed shoulders of his. It’s like his soul is scarred.

I pour the kids a glass of water each, which they glug down quickly. Then I walk Daniel and his son to the door. I bend down to Ben’s level. “Thank you for thinking of Becca and me. We loved the fish and chips.”

Out of the blue, Ben gives me a hug. “I’m glad you and Becca live next door,” he says. “I like you being my friends.”

I stare up at Daniel, catch the gleam of love for his son in his eyes. My heart does that weird little flip again.

He takes his leave, his arm around Ben as they walk down the garden path. I stand in the doorway and watch them. Then I think about Josh. Suddenly I’m ashamed of myself for what I did, what I wanted to do with Daniel. On Josh’s anniversary, of all days. I don’t know what possessed me. It was like I’d lost control. I touch my fingers to my kiss-swollen lips and let out a groan.