***
Feeling completely sated and satisfied, I plump up my pillow and slide an arm under Trish’s neck. She murmurs in approval then snuggles closer, throwing her arm over my chest. I pick up a lock of her long hair and drop the strands slowly from my fingertips.
So this is what contentment feels like.
Weird.
But I like it.
More than I ever thought possible.
Normally, five minutes after sex is over, I’m rolling out of bed and looking for a cigarette. Not because I need a smoke, but because I’m desperate for any excuse to put as much distance as possible between me and the girl I’ve just fucked.
Cuddling isn’t my thing.
I never saw the point.
Sex is the point.
Once that is over, my mind is already rolling on to the next item on my agenda: club business, new tires for my bike, raiding the refrigerator, and sometimes even another girl.
Wanting to spend a full night with a woman sprawled on top of me is uncharted territory for me. I don’t have time for a woman in my life. There’s no place for one. Not with me being President of the Steel Infidels.
I have too many responsibilities to bring a girl into the mix. Not only would it be too damn much trouble, it would also be dangerous. The club has to come first.
Somehow Flint makes it work with Kendra. I’m not my brother though. Not even close. Flint has a sensitive side, so he can give Kendra what she needs. It worries me at times because this also makes him vulnerable. By hurting her, someone can get to him. Nobody can hurt us as long as we don’t give a shit.
And now I give a shit too.
The thought pops into my head before I can stop it.
Fuck!
This is no good.
What the hell is happening here?
Trish’s hand slides down my chest and rests on my stomach.
“Jesse?” she whispers softly. “Are you still awake?”
“Sure, sweetheart,” I say, kissing the top of her head. Her hair smells good and I sink my nose into it. “One of the things you’ll discover about me is that I don’t sleep much. It’s a mental defect.”
“What do you mean?”
“My mind won’t turn off at night. There’s always something to worry about. I’ve learned it’s easier to stay up and keep moving than to lie in bed staring at the ceiling all night. Most of the time I’m too wired to sleep.”
“What do you worry about?” she asks.
I sigh. Where to even begin?
“My brothers, mostly. It may seem like they’ve got it all together, but it hasn’t always been this way. Our mom died of breast cancer several years ago and it tore the family upside down. Dad didn’t handle it well and started drinking too much. I was already with the Steel Infidels at the time and not around the house much. Flint took off and left town not too long after.”
“And Sam?”
“Sam didn’t fare as well. He was still in high school and too young to move out. So he was stuck with an alcoholic father who was abusive at times. Flint and I didn’t know how bad it was. Sam’s tough as nails and not a complainer. He just took it and survived the best he could.”
“That is so sad,” she says softly. “Parents can certainly screw kids up.”
“They sure can. I blame myself for what happened. I was too busy with my own life to pay attention to what was going on at home. I knew Sam was furious with Flint for leaving town. I didn’t realize at the time that it was because Flint left him to deal with Dad all alone. When one of Dad’s punches landed Sam in the emergency room and the truth came out, I brought him into the Steel Infidels with me.”
“Wasn’t he too young for a motorcycle club?”
“Definitely. The club bent the rules for him because I asked them to. Looking back, there wasn’t much of a choice. I needed him close by so I could keep an eye on him.”
“Was he in some kind of trouble?”
“Trouble is Sam’s middle name. You’ve met him. He has a wild streak you wouldn’t believe. Nothing is too outrageous or crazy for him to try at least once. The club gives him some stability. And responsibility, too. Without the club, we would have lost him already to something…drugs, drunk driving, bar brawls. In my gut, I know Sam wouldn’t be here today without the Steel Infidels taking him under their wing.”
“You love your brothers.” She says it as a statement instead of a question.
“That I do. My brothers and the club are everything to me. I would cut off my right arm to protect them. Flint is getting married soon, believe it or not. To a veterinarian.”
“Really?” She rises up on her elbows to look at me. “I didn’t think bikers were the settling down type.”
“We’re usually not,” I say honestly. “Flint makes up his own rules as he goes along. His fiancée, Kendra, is a good person. You would like her.”
“It sounds like an odd combination…biker lawyer and veterinarian.”
I chuckle, thinking about Kendra and Flint. “You should see them together. They’re both book smart and clever as hell. Kendra doesn’t put up with shit from any of us. I couldn’t have picked a more perfect gal for Flint.”
“And what about you? What kind of girl would be perfect for you?”
You are.
I don’t dare say it. Can’t say it.
Instead I throw things back at her.
“Enough talk about me. Tell me about Trish.”
If she notices that I abruptly changed the conversation, she doesn’t mention it. She puts her head back on my chest and pulls the sheet up over our hips.
“Well for starters, my family sucks,” she says.
“I gathered that much.”
“When I said that my mother was sick, I wasn’t telling you the whole truth. She’s an addict and has been for a long time. I took care of her until I couldn’t take it anymore. I felt like I was going down with a sinking ship and that nothing I did made any difference. She loves the drugs more than she loves me or herself.”
My arms tighten around her. The heartbreaking hurt is coming off of her like waves.
“You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to. It’s okay. I didn’t mean to make you sad.”
“No, you should know why I’m so screwed up,” she says in a resigned voice. “Between Mom and Ty, my family life hasn’t been what I would call a positive influence in my life.”
“And your father?”
“He left us years ago and I haven’t seen him since.”
“I’m sorry.”
I can’t stand hearing the pain in her voice. So much hurt inside the sweetest soul. Suddenly I want nothing more than to take her pain away if only for a little while, in the only way I know how.
Physical comfort might be inadequate and certainly not a permanent fix, but it’s the only thing I can offer. For the first time in my life, I wish I knew how to give a woman emotionally what they really need from a man. What I have to give her won’t be nearly enough.
Taking her hand, I place it over my strong, beating heart.
“Feel that? It means I’m here now and I’m not going anywhere.”
Leaning up, I claim her lips in a kiss.
“Don’t be sad. Don’t think, just feel,” I coax. “Feel me and nothing else.”