Chapter Ten
“Do you want to tell me why you want to learn to make oatmeal chocolate chip cookies?” Lexie asked, placing the last of the ingredients on the table. Simon stood, looking his rebellious self but also a little nervous.
“Tabby likes them, and I like her.”
Lexie smiled.
He was growing up way too fast for her. She ruffled his head, and he growled. Out of the corner of her eye, she watched him smooth his hair back into place, quickly checking the mirror to make sure it was okay.
“Are you still writing to her?” Lexie asked.
“Yes.” He pulled from his jeans pocket the letter she knew he’d gotten an hour ago in the mail. “Here it is.”
“You want to read it out to me?”
He rolled his eyes.
“I can if you really want to hear it.”
“Of course I do, silly. Come on, stop being a party pooper.”
Simon opened up the neatly folded letter, and she knew without a doubt that they would go with the others he had in a shoebox in his drawer beside his bed. He read them all constantly. Whenever he was angry or feeling alone, she would find him reading them.
His connection to Tabby was helping to draw him out.
“‘Dear Simon.’” He stopped and looked up at her. “She always starts that way. She says it’s the best way of starting a letter. Dear sir, madam, that kind of thing.”
“I get it. Go on.”
“‘I really enjoyed the summer with you this year, and Mom’s already working on you guys coming over next. She thinks it will be a great break for Lexie. She says that with all the kids your mom works so hard, and she’s right. You have a lot of brothers and sisters, Simon.’” He looked up again. “She put a smiley face next to it. ‘I’m not looking forward to going back to school though. Before school let out for the summer, the school merged with another in the town over, and they are horrible. There’s a couple of boys in the classroom, and I know Dad wants them to be gone soon. He doesn’t like us all mingling together. I don’t like them, and a couple of them are from a rival MC, which does upset Dad. Nothing we can do about it though. Both schools were failing, and this was in the works for a long time. I’m sorry if I’m venting too much. I can’t wait until we can chat online. It’ll be so much easier, but … I don’t like it. Daisy gets bullied, and Anthony has been in so many fights and so has Miles.’”
Lexie knew all about the merger of the two schools, as Eva had talked about it. The town over had another MC, which had never bothered The Skulls. They had settled down a couple of years ago, had a sit-down with Lash, and things had been moving on just fine from then. Now their kids were mingling, and with it came their own problems.
“‘What are you doing for Halloween? I don’t care that it’s early, but I want to dress up as a princess this year like I do every single year, only I’m going to scare it up. I’ve been learning some new tricks so expect pictures, and I hope it’s gruesome for you. I can’t stay long. I really need to go. I’m spending the day with Darcy, but she is a little boring right now. She has a mega crush on Ink, but you cannot say anything, not a word, okay. Promise me. I can’t wait for your next letter. They are the best kind of letters in the world. Love you like always, Tabby. P.S. sorry about the crumbs and grease marks. I’m eating oatmeal chocolate chip cookies, and they are my favorite.’” He finished and looked up. “Do you think we can move closer?”
“That’s not going to happen. So that’s why you’re wanting to learn to make the cookies. They’re Tabby’s favorite.”
He didn’t say anything, but she saw he was struggling with something. “Mom, do you think how I feel about Tabby is stupid?”
“No, I don’t. Why?”
“Some of the boys at school, they think it’s stupid.”
“Boys can be stupid.”
“Dad’s not happy.”
“Only because he doesn’t like what that means to him.”
“What does it mean?”
“She’s a Skull, Simon. That can bring complications. There could be a merger there, or you could decide to cut off and take a Skull patch, or quit the club altogether.”
“I’m going to be part of Chaos Bleeds,” Simon said. “I want that. I want to be in my dad’s club.”
“When we get older our decisions change. I never thought I’d be married to your father, have so many kids, and help run a fashion shop. I didn’t even know if I’d make it past thirty years old. Life takes us in so many different directions. It’s not a bad thing though.”
“It’s not?”
“No. How do you feel about Tabby?” she asked.
“When I’m with her, she’s the only girl in the world for me. She makes me happy and I can’t think of anything else or feel. I can’t stand the thought of her being hurt or upset. I love her. I want to take care of her.”
“Those kinds of feelings are not stupid, Simon. Don’t ever let anyone tell you any differently. You’re young, but that doesn’t make you any different from the rest of us. Now, go and wash your hands so I can teach you how to make these cookies.”
****
“Morning, beautiful,” Butler said, watching as Mandy stretched her arms above her head. Her tits thrust out, and it took every part of him not to reach out and cup her.
“You’ve been watching me sleep again?”
“I can’t help it. You’re a beautiful woman to watch sleep.”
“You’ve got all the nice words to say. I must look a sight.”
“You don’t wear makeup, so it’s not smudged. Besides a little drool,” he pointed to the corner of her mouth, “you look very sexy.”
“Ew.” She quickly covered her mouth and climbed out of the bed. She wore a pair of shorts and a thin top. He watched her walk into the bathroom.
Climbing from the bed, he followed her, watching as she quickly brushed her teeth.
“I was only kidding.”
“Yeah, well, it wasn’t funny.” She finished brushing her teeth and turned toward him. “I have bed hair.”
“It’s pretty hair,” he said, pulling her in close. Kissing her lips, he sank his fingers into the length, holding her in place.
“What are the plans for today?” she asked.
“We can go and do some exploring, if you’d like.” When he first negotiated this trip, he had hoped to spend every single day screwing her. They had the perfect excuse to get away, but so far, they hadn’t even been able to enjoy that. She’d been on her period a couple of days now, and the cramps had stopped.
“I’d like that.”
“Excellent. I’ll let you get dressed and I’ll get started on breakfast.” He went to walk away, but she stopped him, wrapping her arms around his waist, and holding him close. Butler closed his eyes, loving her arms holding him a little too much. “What was that for?” he asked, when she stepped back.
He wasn’t about to mourn the loss of her touch, not yet.
“I just love spending time with you. Being here, it really … thank you.”
He got the sense that she wanted to say a whole lot more but held back.
Leaving her to get dressed, he quickly got their breakfast underway.
Before they had left Piston County, he’d gotten Lexie to organize several dresses for Mandy as he knew she didn’t possess a single one, which was fine. It was turning into one of the hottest summers on record, and he wanted her to be comfortable. Jeans and a shirt were not going to cut it. For him, they could have stayed home all day, butt ass naked, but that didn’t happen.
Mandy joined him and started cleaning around him as he cooked. They had developed a routine, which he found incredibly comfortable. The more time he spent with her, the more he realized how much he loved her little quirks, like her need to have her hair tied up in a band first thing in the morning, but by the middle of the day, it was falling all over the place. Her need to clean constantly, he loved. She had a cloth in her hand, wiping things down, and she also organized the books. The owner of the villa that he’d rented from would arrive to find their small library neatly organized. She’d done the same with the DVD collection. Again, cute.
He loved taking care of her though, opening doors, holding her hand. They were little things that he’d once taken for granted, or even mocked with other guys. He knew some of the club members were not interested in settling down, and that was fine. For a long time now, he’d been watching the guys that had, and he’d felt that overwhelming need to have a family. He wanted a woman he loved to go home to. Who put a smile on his face the way he’d seen Lexie do for Devil, or Judi for Ripper. He could go on and on. Even Martha put a smile on Dick’s face, and that was saying something.
That man was the biggest asshole on the planet, no doubt about that.
For a long time, Butler didn’t think he’d ever want kids or a family, or a life like that, only now he did.
Mandy put their knives and forks on the table, and he finished up his food. He could have a family with her, and he knew without a doubt that he’d be happy. She put that smile on his face and made him look forward to waking up.
He loved her.
That’s what he’d been fighting for so long.
Even before they had sex, and he only got to see her cleaning, he’d fallen for her. She wasn’t like any other woman he’d been with. Yes, their pasts were messed up, but that wasn’t who they were right now. They were different.
“You okay?” Mandy asked, moving up beside him. “You’ve gone a little pale.” She placed a hand on his back.
“Yeah, yeah, I’m fine. Just hungry.”
He served them both up a plate and was aware of Mandy’s concerned gaze. They talked about what was in the newspaper, nothing of any real importance. He was still reeling from his own sudden clarity.
Mandy was the woman he loved.
She was the one who made his heart race, and his hands clammy.
“Okay, you’re starting to worry me. Are you okay?” Mandy asked.
He stared down at where her hand held his and nodded. “Yeah, of course I am. I’m perfectly fine.” He kissed her knuckles.
“You’d tell me if something was wrong?”
“Yes, you know I would.”
They finished their breakfast. Mandy kept looking at him, and he liked her worry. It meant she had feelings for him too.
After they finished breakfast, she cleaned up their dishes and the kitchen while he quickly pulled on some clothes. Grabbing his cell phone, he dialed the only person he knew he could speak to.
“Hello,” Natalie said, giving out a little moan that told him he’d woken her up.
“Who the fuck is that?” Slash asked.
“It’s me,” Butler said.”
“It’s Butler.”
“What the fuck does he want?”
“Shut up. What’s wrong, Butler? Everything okay with Mandy?”
“Yeah, everything is fine.” He glanced at the door to see no sign of Mandy. “I … erm … could you put Slash on the phone? It might be easier to talk to him.”
“Sure. He wants to talk to you.”
“What the fuck is all this about?” Slash asked. “You never call this early.”
“How did you know?” Butler asked.
“How did I know what?”
“Your feelings for Natalie?” He checked again. Mandy was humming in the kitchen.
“Is this some kind of joke?”
“No joke. I just want to know the answers.” He was trying not to freak out right now. He heard movement over the phone line.
“She’s the only woman in the world that I care about. The other old ladies, I like them and I care for them. I’d die for them, but with Natalie, she’s my entire world. I want to be everything for her, give her everything, be it all.”
He could imagine them looking at each other right now, sharing that smile that he’d seen couples do.
“What is all this about?”
“I’m in love with Mandy.”
“You’re only just figuring that shit out now?” Slash asked. “We all knew.”
“You all knew?” Butler frowned.
“You’ve been out of rehab a long time. You took all the jobs that no one wanted, and you had the club’s back. Then Mandy started working at the club, and before long, you had a reason to be at the club all the time. You even followed her around, watching as she worked. It was kind of creepy, but your gaze would follow her. The old ladies were having bets on how long it would take you to realize it.”
“Wait? What?”
“You heard me.” Slash chuckled. “I can’t wait to tell the boys. Have you told her yet?”
“I’ve only just realized it myself. I’m not about to tell her.”
“Well, you better get on that. I’ll let the guys know.”
Before he could even say anything, he hung up, and Butler cursed.
“Is everything okay?” Mandy asked, standing in the doorway.
“Perfect. Really fucking perfect.”
****
Butler was more distracted than usual, and Mandy tried not to panic on what that meant. After their talks, and the time they shared, she was really finding it hard to keep her feelings in check around him.
She found it natural now to reach out and touch his cheek, or run her fingers through her hair, and telling him how she really felt was on the tip of her tongue so many times. This vacation they were taking had helped her finally come face to face with her feelings for Butler.
When she got called away for her mother’s murder she’d been struggling with her feelings for him, but she had kept it all in check. She was there to do a job, and Mia had helped her to get it. While she’d been in protective custody so they could track her stepfather, Butler had been the only guy she had thought about.
She had put it down to crazy fantasies, but being with him, knowing him, she knew it was a whole lot more than that.
For the first time in her entire life she had fallen in love, and it scared her. She’d never been with a guy long enough or wanted anyone enough to risk it.
They made their way around the market, and she stared at all the wonderful artisanal things on offer. She wasn’t really paying attention as her thoughts were on the man beside her. Butler held her hand as they walked, and he wouldn’t allow anyone to bump into them so they stood really close.
It was really hot, and she had finally finished her cycle that morning. He’d been a little distant of late, and she didn’t want to ruin this feeling they had between them.
“Are you hungry?” he asked.
“Starving.”
She stopped in a small restaurant that served Italian food. She loved it just because it had air conditioning. Putting her bag on the floor between her feet, she smiled across at him, but he was looking past her shoulder.
Her nerves were frayed.
“Are you wanting to head back home?” she asked, wincing at her familiar use of the term “home.”
“What?” he asked, his gaze returning to her.
“You seem kind of out of it. You’ve been like that all morning. Are you ready to go back to Piston County?” She pressed her lips together, more nervous than she’d ever been in her life.
“We’ve got another week yet. Of course not.”
“Oh. Are you sure? I don’t mind if you want to go back.”
He reached out, taking her hands. “Do you want to go back?”
“No. I’ve really enjoyed my week away. I think it has been really kind of awesome actually.” She stared down at their joined hands.
I love you, Butler, and right now I’m freaking out, and I don’t know what to do.
“I’m loving being with you.”
Her heart leapt at his words.
They pulled away as the waiter brought them over their food. Of course, they’d be the ones interrupted by the waiter.
Once they were served, the moment was lost, not that she’d have been able to say anything. The last thing she wanted to do was to spill her guts here in case he was feeling completely the opposite. People changed their minds all the time. She knew all about that.
This had never mattered to her. Falling in love wasn’t something she’d thought would be a problem for her.
“So I wanted to talk to you about something,” Butler said.
“Okay.” She took a sip of her water. Everything felt lodged in her throat, but still, she waited.
“I was wondering what your thoughts are on family? I know we said that we’d never have kids or settle down. Would anything change your mind?”
She took a bite of the pasta, not really tasting the meaty sauce. “Erm, wow, this is a little out of the blue.”
“I just … I’m curious. We all can change our minds.”
She nodded. Family was something she had always wanted. After all the problems she had growing up with her mother, it had been like a mockery to her to even consider having a family.
“I … when I was a little girl … I always thought what it would be like to have the kind of family you see in the movies. You know the mother that cared, packed a school lunch. A dad that went out to work or something. I did want a family. I know I said that kids were not for me, but if I really think about it, and the fact I’m getting older, being thirty and all that, yes, I guess one day I hope to have a family. It’s just … I’ve never been lucky enough for that option to be open to me.” She pushed some hair out of her face and smiled. “Wow, I sound so morbid.”
“Far from it.”
“What about your stance?” she asked. “You didn’t want kids, but you were so good that day.”
“I drew the short straw.”
“You had everything under control though. Do you want kids?”
“Do you promise not to run out screaming right now?” he asked.
“Yes.”
“I want a boy and a girl.” He stared past her shoulder once again. “Christmas morning I’d love to hear them both scream with excitement wondering if Santa had been there, and of course he had. The big guy will always come.” He suddenly stopped. “I don’t want to confuse you.”
“No, it’s just that you said you didn’t want to have kids, and it sounds like you’ve thought a lot about it.”
“If you don’t want kids then that’s cool. We’ll figure something out.”
She tilted her head to the side and smiled. “Would you like to have a family with me?”
This seemed like a big step, a huge one. Biting her lip, she waited for him to respond. He opened his mouth, but all of a sudden music began playing, and they looked toward the source to see an elderly couple surrounded by family.
She watched as the staff sang while also bringing out cake. Butler took her hand, and she looked down at them. Could it be possible to have a family surround them, singing and dancing for an anniversary?
It all seemed a little much. After the singing ended and the family left the restaurant, their food was finished. Butler paid, and they made their way back to their beach house. She didn’t know what to say to fill the silence.
There were a lot of things left unsaid, but it also came with their own problems as well.
Were they moving too fast?
Could they make it together?
Outside of the beach house, she stopped, putting a hand on his chest.
“What’s wrong?” he asked.
“I need to say something to you.”
“Okay. It can’t wait until we go inside?”
“Not right now. I need to get it out. When we go inside, you’ll get naked, and we’ll do a lot of other things, you know. I need to have a clear head.”
He ran his hands up and down her arms, and she took a deep breath. His touch made it even harder for her to focus, so she caught his hands in hers, stopping him.
“For a long time, I’ve thought that I was unlovable. How can anyone ever love me? I was pushed to one side and forgotten. Then I went crazy, and I guess being used and doing a lot of using helped a lot. Family is something I’ve always wanted, but I’ve always found that it’s a place that hurts the most. My mom hated me, and she died at the hands of yet another stepfather. The dream of having a family kind of left. When I’m with you though, I can feel and hope for things that I thought were no longer allowed for me to have.” She glanced down at their hands. “I would like to take that chance with you, Butler. If you want to try to make this work. I don’t know what we’re going to be or how we’re going to end up, but with you, I’d really love that chance more than anything else in the world.”
Butler released her hands, and cupped her face, tilting her head back. “You want me to clear some things up?”
“What do you mean?”
“You’re my woman, Mandy. I’m not going to throw you away or get bored. You’re mine, and that means I’ll be the man that you wake up to every single morning, and go to sleep with. I want to hold you in my arms as I fall, and never let go. The only thing in my life that I’ve craved is drugs, but then I saw you. From that moment on, nothing else in my crazy world has mattered to me. Grabbing those drugs, I think it was a way of trying not to take you. I want you to be here because you have a choice. The truth is … I love you.”
Her mouth fell open.
Words failed her.
“There, I finally said it. I love you, and I want you to be my woman for the rest of our lives.”
Well, he could be romantic, but of course it was mixed with his usual Butler charm.