Chapter Three
“Then you cross that braid with that one, and then again, and again,” Tabitha said. “See, it’s not so bad.”
Butler forced a smile as he was on babysitting duty at Lexie and Devil’s home. Tabitha, all of Devil’s kids, all of Eva’s, and it was just a mass of kids everywhere. He’d put the youngest in a small play area, and the older kids were either in the kitchen or at the dining room table. Tabitha had decided that he needed to be taught how to do a braid, not that he’d ever need to do it.
“You look cute,” Simon said.
“You need to learn to do it as well, Simon.” Tabitha removed her braid and turned her back to Simon.
“What is your fascination with hair?” Daisy asked.
Daisy was Whizz and Lacey’s daughter. He also had their newly adopted son, who was asleep in one of the cribs. Whizz and Lacey had taken a much-needed vacation, and, seeing as Eva and Tiny offered to take the kids and they were in Piston County, Butler was taking care of them.
“I don’t know. I love it.” Tabitha gasped. “Maybe I should be, like, a hairstylist or something.”
Simon picked up the brush and began to run it through her hair.
Deciding he needed another cup of coffee, Butler made his way into the kitchen where he saw Anthony eating some chips. Anthony was Lash and Angel’s son. There were so many fucking kids he couldn’t believe he kept notice at all.
“You okay, son?” Butler asked.
“Yeah, fine.”
“What’s wrong?”
“I don’t know. Darcy’s tired again. She’s sleeping upstairs.” Anthony frowned.
“Did you guys stay up late last night?”
“No. She’s always tired lately, and she’s pale.”
“I’m sure it’s nothing.”
Darcy was one of the oldest of The Skulls kids.
Next time babysitting duty came around he was going to fucking demand another job. Kids were not his thing.
There was a knock at the door, and he was just happy to get away from all the kids. At least several of the older ones helped out with the younger ones, which worked for him.
Opening the door, he was surprised to see Mandy there.
“Mandy,” he said.
“Devil said you needed help.” She held up a large bag of takeout food. “I think he said the house was being taken over by a bunch of kids and that if I didn’t help you, you’d come back and haunt me.”
Butler chuckled. “It’s not too bad, but I somehow got this gig and everyone just got to go out. I need to learn to keep my mouth shut.”
Opening the door wider, he allowed her to enter. The scent of Chinese food brought the kids toward them. Most of them were The Skulls, but coming up behind them were Paul, Simon, and Elizabeth.
“Kids, this is Mandy. Mandy, this is all the kids. Unless I put a sticker on them, it’s complicated to say who is who.”
Simon chuckled. “It’s pretty simple. Miles, Tabby, and Luke are Tiny’s. Anthony and Chloe belong to Lash.”
“Yeah, yeah, I’m done, and I’m bored,” Butler said. “Let’s eat.”
With Mandy’s help, he got all the kids fed, and she even came with soda. It wasn’t long before they were all happily in the large sitting room and they were watching a movie. Having all the kids crowded in one room, he placed his hands on his hips, proud of what he’d achieved.
Mandy stood beside him with a huge smile on her face. “I didn’t know you guys had so many kids.”
“They’re both The Skulls and Chaos Bleeds. They’re all good friends though.” He noticed Simon and Tabitha curled up together holding hands. Young love.
He rubbed at his eyes, suddenly feeling tired. “Come on, I’ll make us some coffee.”
He made his way back into the kitchen and started up some coffee.
“They’re all really good,” Mandy said.
“Yeah, they know not to mess up Devil’s house. A few years ago, they were all here, and it was a complete disaster. They completely trashed the place, and he made them all do chores with a whistle and all. Everyone who grumbled got the shitty jobs.” He chuckled, recalling how much the kids hated it.
“Devil seems to know what to do to keep everyone in line.”
“That’s the truth. He’s a good man like that. How’s your new place?”
“It’s awesome. I can’t believe how I’ve been able to live everywhere else.”
“You lived in some bad places?” he asked, making it a question rather than showing that he knew the truth. She didn’t need to know that he was completely obsessed by her, and that he knew every little detail of her life.
“Yeah, really bad. In some places there were more rats than humans.” She smiled. “I can’t even believe I’m smiling about this. It seems kind of surreal to go from there to now. I tell you, I’d let my younger self know that shit gets better.” She covered her mouth. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to cuss.”
“They can cuss better than you, believe me.” He placed a cup of coffee in front of her.
“You seem to totally handle them all. There was no screaming or anything. Do you want kids?” she asked.
“No.”
“Wow, that was … quick. Just a plain and simple no.”
“Kids are not for me.” He glanced down at his scars from the years of abuse he’d given himself. “You?”
“Erm, no, not really. It’s not something I’ve ever thought about, in all honesty.”
“How come?”
She wrinkled her nose. “Bad childhood, I guess. My mom wasn’t the best when it came to raising her kid. I loved her, and she tried in her own way. It wasn’t enough, and here I am now.”
“I think you turned out okay.”
“Yeah, it wasn’t always bad, you know. There were some rough patches. A lot of people go through them.”
“That I know for certain.”
At this her gaze went to his arms. “You’re an ex-addict.”
“According to the program I’m always an addict. Temptation is always there. Just got to fight to get rid of it.”
“Is that one of the reasons you don’t want kids?”
“There’s always a risk of falling off the wagon, always. I don’t want to risk that kind of life for any kid of mine. It’s not worth it.”
“Did you get free yourself?”
“Yeah, I did. At the time it felt like the best thing to do.”
“You don’t think it’s a good thing?”
“A lot of shit was going down at the club. Can’t talk about it, but I needed to be clean. Devil, the club, they all needed me. I did my time.”
“And now?”
“Now, nothing.”
“It doesn’t sound like nothing, Butler. It sounds like you’re waiting.” She reached out, touching his arm. “Talk to me.”
“There’s nothing to talk about.” He finished his scalding hot liquid. “Just got to keep moving forward. To keep every single day ticking on by.”
“I’m always here if you want to talk to me. I know what it’s like to feel like you’re going crazy.”
“You fell off a wagon? Took some shit?”
“No, I’ve never done any of that.”
“Then what?”
“I used to go around looking for fights,” she said.
Okay, this shocked him.
“What?”
“In high school, when I was in and out of foster care. I don’t know, I went a bit crazy. I started carrying around a knife, and I’d walk the streets. When I think back to some of the things I did, it scares me. I would go up to the biggest person I could find, and I’d try and get them to hurt me. To kick, to make me feel something other than rage. I was filled with it. Got into a lot of scrapes. I never ended up in the hospital though. Just went home with black eyes, bruised ribs, that kind of thing.”
“Wow,” Butler said.
“Yeah. I think it really came from anger. I couldn’t hurt my mom, and she always found a way to hurt me. If I hit her, she put me in foster care. I didn’t like that. It was the last thing I wanted.”
Butler wanted to hug her, to hold her and let her know that everything would be okay, but that wasn’t his place. She wasn’t his woman.
“Have you thought of talking to someone?”
“Don’t worry about it,” he said. “I’m fine. This is just one of those things that will pass.” He tapped the counter and forced a smile. “I better go and check on them.”
Leaving the kitchen, he stood outside of the sitting room and rested his head against the wall. Right now, he was hanging on by a thread. He needed something to ground him, to help take the edge off, but nothing was happening.
He didn’t want to talk to Devil or worry the club, nor did he want to go back to rehab.
Something had to give, but he was afraid of what happened when it did.
****
The next couple of days Mandy didn’t know what to do about her talk with Butler. He was a good man, but she saw that he was struggling with something. His past addiction clearly seemed to be the problem.
She was cleaning up the clothing store that the Chaos Bleeds owned in town. Several women were trying on clothes, and Lexie stood behind the counter going through accounts. Finishing up the back, Mandy made her way out of the shop, putting away her cleaning equipment. She always kept it with her in case of a phone call and a last-minute job. As Mandy entered the shop, Lexie was already waiting for her.
“I figured we could do lunch today if you’re not too busy.”
“I’d love to. I’ve got to head over to the clubhouse this afternoon.”
Lexie shook her head. “I don’t know how you can still smile after working in that place. I know from personal experience that some of the guys are just downright nasty.”
She chuckled. “It’s not too bad most of the time.” She wasn’t about to bring up the used condoms. They were the reason she wore latex gloves.
Sitting behind the counter, Mandy watched as the women kept coming in and out of the changing room.
“Natalie’s a real star, isn’t she?” Lexie said.
“Yeah. She has a keen eye.”
“If you’d like, you could have a couple of shifts at the shop. We wouldn’t mind sharing the workload with you.”
“I thought this was for the old ladies?”
“It is, but you’re a friend.”
“Thank you.”
“Don’t mention it. I’d appreciate the help from time to time. I come here to get away from the kids and to have a few hours away.”
“You have got a lot of kids,” she said, recalling the full sitting room.
“How did you enjoy spending time with Butler and the herd? You never did say?”
“It was fine. They were all well behaved.”
“Butler included?”
“Yes, he was the best.” She took a bite of her sandwich, trying not to think about all of the other bad things that Butler could do. “How is he?”
“Butler?”
“Yes.”
“He’s fine. Why do you ask?”
“I was just worried. He seems more withdrawn than normal. I didn’t know if that was normal Butler or not.”
“He’s never been the most talkative. Life has taken a lot of dramatic turns for the club.”
“I had heard rumors that you guys haven’t had an easy time of it.” She watched as Lexie sighed.
“Yeah. Marrying Devil was like the dream I never thought I had, if that makes any sense at all. He was a biker, and I was just the girl with a ba—trying to deal with everything. Then he came into my world, and everything changed. With the problems the clubs were having, I don’t think I even got to stop and enjoy being married. It was just one thing after another, after another.”
“You both love each other though. You can clearly see that.”
“Oh, I do. I love him more than anything. Our little family is perfect for me. No more kids though. We’re all kidded out.”
“You’ve got a nice little brood,” Mandy said.
“If you do have any concerns about Butler, talk to Devil. He will listen. He’s not always mean. That just seems to come naturally to him.”
“He does seem quite scary, doesn’t he?” Mandy said.
“Not to me.”
They finished their lunch, and Mandy got up and didn’t know what to do as Lexie hugged her. She’d never been a touchy-feely kind of person with anyone. Patting Lexie’s back, she forced a smile before saying goodbye.
She’d never been able to connect with many people in her life, what with being in and out of the foster care system, a mother who jumped from bed to bed, and a life that just always seemed to take her in the wrong direction.
Firing up her car, Mandy made her way toward the clubhouse, wondering what she should do. Her conversations with Butler were rarely anything to write home about. They talked about everything and nothing, so she didn’t understand her worries right now.
Entering the clubhouse with her supplies, she paused at the mess.
She didn’t work weekends as that was when a lot of parties usually happened. Staring at the mess right now, she couldn’t believe this place was completely spick and span when she left it.
“You had a good party?” she asked, passing Dime. He was splayed on the counter.
“It was one hell of a party. You should have been here, cleaner. You’d have loved it.”
Moving on, she didn’t linger, and instead made her way upstairs. She may as well start as she meant to go on. Devil and Lexie’s room was always the cleanest, and so after a quick buzz of the carpets, and some dusting, she was done. Moving down a level, several doors were locked, so she left them.
Devil told her to clean every single room that the door was open to. Any that were locked, she left.
It made for some really startling discoveries. Sex, plain and simple; naked men who had passed out. The sights went on and on.
Getting to one of the bedrooms on the third floor, she opened the door and stopped.
Butler sat on the floor, his legs spread out. A table was in front of him, and on that table was a bag of white powder.
Mandy had never seen drugs in the clubhouse, and knowing that he was once an addict, she felt sick to her stomach.
“Don’t go,” Butler said when she turned to leave.
Her heart was racing as she looked at him.
“Close the door.”
This was a turning point.
She should go and get Devil so that he could fix this and she wouldn’t have to worry.
Instead, she put her cleaning items down and closed the door. This time she locked it.
“That’s drugs,” she said.
“No shit.”
“You bought them?”
“That’s usually the way, isn’t it? I went and bought them this morning. Looking at them right now.” He held up one hand. “This guy is telling me to take them. That it’ll be easy and it would solve all of my fucking problems.” He lowered one hand only to raise the other. “And this one is telling me that I’m a fucking useless prick, and that if I take this would be causing all manner of problems.”
“Why did you buy them?” she asked, stepping into the room. She moved so that she stood in front of them.
“Because everything is going great and I … can’t seem to stop thinking about them. My head is just full of that empty, blissful feeling that you get from having them. That intoxicating high that only a snort will give.” He looked at her. “You can run off to Devil, tell him I’ve got drugs. Probably do me good.”
She didn’t run off though.
Kneeling down on the other side of the table, she looked at the drugs, then at him. “Do they really help?”
“What do you mean?”
“Does it help you to forget everything and, I don’t know, be someone different?”
“You hurt people without guilt and you do shit you’ll never remember. They don’t help at all, Mandy.”
She placed her hand on the table, and he covered hers with his own. “For a long time, I felt so completely useless and worth nothing that I would find random guys and have sex with them to help me feel anything.”
“Is this along with the fights?”
“No, this came after. When I realized there was another way to feel.” She had never been open with anyone in her life, not Mia, no one. People always judged who you were by what you did. “I discovered that the thrill of taking a man to a hotel, or a bathroom, or even against a brick wall was much better than trying to get them to hit me. That touching them, using my body to make them want me, that gave me a thrill I didn’t even know I was seeking. The feel of their dick as they slid inside me, the risk it took, everything was wrong and so right in the world. I didn’t know if I was going to get pregnant or something else. I played Russian roulette with my body.” She tilted her head to the side and looked at him.
“Why are you telling me this?”
“You look lost. I … felt it for a long time. That loneliness that consumes you and makes you do things you shouldn’t do.”
“What happened?” he asked.
“What do you mean?”
“You went from fighting and screwing to cleaning, and living in Piston County. What changed?”
She licked her lips. “One of my ex-partners got in touch with me. He had HIV. He didn’t know how long he’d had it or if he’d passed it on to me.”
“Fuck,” Butler said.
“Yeah, you kind of wake up a little with that. It’s not easy to believe that your life could change that fast. I don’t have it. I was tested and double-tested. I wanted to make sure they didn’t get that wrong. I was clean, and they did test me over a period of time as well. So, I packed my shit up and decided to start living like I care about myself. That’s why I clean. It’s why I love to work, and why it has been a long time since I’ve been with a man. Nearly three years now. I’ve never told another living soul this, ever.”