2008
“You didn’t go to work today?” I asked, surprised to find Elise home one afternoon, about three months after her mom passed away. It was far earlier than her job as an Executive Assistant usually allowed. She worked directly with the CEO of a medium-sized entertainment agency, and they often worked well past seven p.m. It was three-thirty when I arrived home, having worked the early shift at the warehouse.
“I actually knocked off at lunchtime,” Elise smiled at me mischievously. “Leah and I decided to blow off the rest of the day and go shopping.”
Walking to the kitchen to clean and store my lunch cooler, I tossed over my shoulder, “Who’s Leah?”
Elise rose from where she had been reclined on the sofa and followed me.
“She’s this awesome new girl at work. She’s the VP’s new assistant, and we hit it off instantly. She started about three weeks ago, and I sort of took her under my wing, showing her the ropes and helping her settle in with the staff. She’s the best! She’s got this crazy sense of humor and is always up for any kind of fun.”
“She’s only been there for three weeks and she’s already leaving work early?” I asked, perplexed anyone at the agency would approve of that, what with the way Elise was often run ragged at her job.
“Oh! Ben, her boss, is traveling this week, so he canceled all appointments on his calendar, so once she finished his expense report for the month, she had nothing to do. She let all calls go to voicemail and said she’d double-time it tomorrow.”
“What about you? Gerry normally has more than enough for you to do.”
She giggled softly. “I faked a migraine, so he let me leave.”
It wasn’t like Elise to ditch work. She had a better work ethic than anyone I knew. She was the type who wouldn’t call in sick to work unless she was bleeding from her eyeballs. In fact, she only took two days off when Renee died. The day after the accident, and the day of the funeral. I think those might have even been the first days she missed since she started working there three years before.
While out of character for her, I thought maybe an afternoon of playing hooky might be beneficial for her. Her grief over the last few months was palpable. She was sullen and withdrawn most of the time, and I couldn’t remember the last time I’d heard her laugh. I’d done everything I could think of to help her through her pain, but she rejected any attempts I made to talk to her about her feelings, insisting she was fine. She thwarted any efforts I made to take her mind off her grief. If I suggested a night out, she wanted to stay in and read a book. If I tried to engage her in a TV program, I was watching or something I found interesting or funny on the internet, she barely paid attention. If I even offered to make her favorite meal, she insisted she wasn’t hungry. She was very obviously not fine, but when I suggested we join a grief support group, she went through the roof. She told me I needed to back off and take her at her word when she said she was okay.
Having heard her soft giggle, I wanted to immediately meet this Leah person and give her a big kiss. Where I had failed to inspire Elise’s interest in her life again, Leah seemed to have engaged some part of her. I could only hope it would help bring back my sunny, happy girl.
“Why don’t you have Leah come over for dinner sometime or we all meet for drinks? If she’s helped put a smile on your face, I’d really like to meet her,” I offered.
Immediately, Elise’s face turned to stone. “Justin, why do you have to insert yourself in every part of my life? Do we have to share everything? You’re always crowding me.”
I felt like I’d been slapped in the face. Elise and I had been so intertwined from the beginning, it never occurred to me she might feel smothered. Sure, I’d probably been extra attentive since the accident, but that wasn’t unusual for a man in love, was it? Not wanting to argue with her and destroy the good mood she’d been in, I immediately back-pedaled.
“I’m sorry, Elise. I’m not trying to suffocate you. If you don’t want to introduce me to her that’s fine. I guess I just got a little too excited at seeing your smile again.”
“God, there you go again,” she complained. Standing, she turned toward the bedroom. “I’m going into the other room, so I don’t have to listen to you fuss over me. I will say it again, and I will keep saying it until you finally get it through your thick head, I am fine.” Her declaration was punctuated by her loud stomping as she left the room.
The outburst wasn’t entirely unusual. She often lost patience with me when I tried to help. She’d never accused me of being stifling before though. I felt like shit. Not because she yelled at me again, though that might have been a bit of it, but because I felt guilty for wanting to shout back at her this time. I didn’t consider myself a sensitive guy, but dammit I did have feelings. However, no matter how hurtful she could be, whatever it made me feel couldn’t possibly compare with the turmoil that she must have felt every minute of the day.
I decided the best thing to do would be to head out for a beer or two. I’d give us both some space for a while. She’d have time to relax, and I could clear my head of the negative feelings I was beginning to feel. Things would eventually go back to normal or as close to it as possible without Renee in her life. It wasn’t reasonable to think she could have adjusted in a mere three months.
“I’m going out for a little while,” I called as I walked to the door. “Probably going to meet up with the guys. Call me if you need me.” The following silence practically echoed throughout the apartment, so I just turned and left.
I called Vance on my way to my bike. At first, I thought a night with all the guys was what I needed. A few hours playing pool and bullshitting to get my mind off everything. After a few steps though, I rejected that idea. I called Vance like I did anytime something was eating at me, and I just couldn’t take it anymore. The guy never made me feel like a wimp. He listened and gave practical advice, then always seemed to find a way to distract me until I was ready to put everything behind me.
Half an hour later, we were seated in our favorite booth at Rosie’s. He had a beer while I decided I needed a little extra. I had two shots of Jack and beer in front of me. After I had ordered them, Vance did a double take at me. “Do we need a plate of wings, too?” he asked.
“I’m not sure. Let me have these shots, and if I’m still bugged, we’ll get the wings.”
“If you’re still bugged after two shots and a beer, we’re getting wings and onion rings.” Rosie made the best onion rings in all of Los Angeles.
“Two shots are not a lot, and things are not that bad. You just want the onion rings,” I laughed.
“Yeah, I do,” Vance grinned. “Seriously though, everything alright, man?”
“Ehh… I guess. Elise just kind of ran me off tonight. Accused me of crowding her.”
“Do you think she’s right?” Vance asked.
“I don’t know.” I lifted a shoulder, shrugging. “I’m not trying to, but I’m worried about her. While I don’t expect her to miraculously get over losing her mom, she gets more and more distant every day. I can’t even have a normal conversation with her without her either flying off the handle or drifting off into space. I guess I’ll just try to keep out of her way for a while.”
“Yeah, maybe that’s a good idea. They say everyone handles grief differently. Maybe she just needs to work things out on her own without you trying to help. What ran you off tonight?”
“She’s made a new friend at work. I suggested we get together, so I could meet her, and she accused me of pushing myself into every area of her life.”
Vance grimaced. “Ouch.”
“Yeah. Sucked,” I replied.
“Well, let her handle things her own way for a while. If she needs you, she’ll probably reach out to you,” Vance said as he signaled to Rosie for a couple more beers and did his best to order onion rings in sign language. We spent the next hour talking about nothing in particular—my shitty job, Vance’s long hours at his new firm, sports—pretty much anything that came up. After Vance inhaled his onion rings, we grabbed a pool table and played a few games. Vance was good, but I was better and beat him solidly three times. I’d kept shooting the Jack all evening, however.
Despite our conversation and what was probably wise advice from Vance, I couldn’t get rid of this nagging ache in my gut. I chose to try to drink it away, which I must admit, did the trick. By the time we were ready to leave, I couldn’t even feel my face, let alone any other part of my body.
Unable to walk without assistance, Vance threw my arm over his shoulders and helped me stagger out to his car. He pretty much poured me into the passenger’s seat.
“Alright, buddy. You have two choices. I can deliver you to Elise like this, which I don’t recommend if she’s already pissy with you. Or you can crash at my place for the night. Hell, you can spend the weekend if you want. Maybe the extra time alone will help her get her head in a better place.
I was beyond caring, so I just mumbled “your house,” then passed out into blessed darkness.
I woke the next afternoon with a dry mouth and a massive headache. I stumbled to Vance’s bathroom in search of pain reliever. Once I’d tossed back a few Advil and managed to make a cup of coffee, I felt a little closer to something human. While I sat at the small dining room table in the apartment trying to get my bearings, Vance came strolling in wearing a tank-top, shorts and high-top sneakers while carrying a basketball under one arm.
“Hey, wild man,” he shouted at me. “How’s the head?”
I returned his greeting by taking another sip of coffee while giving him the middle finger. Asshole. My temples still throbbed though it was to a much lesser extent than before.
I put my cup down. “I don’t even remember leaving Rosie’s last night. How the hell did I end up here?”
“I’m sure you’ve surmised you were in no condition to drive, so I loaded you into my car and you chose to come here, rather than go home to Elise.”
“Fuck! Elise!” I exclaimed as I got up and hurried to find my phone. I looked at the screen expecting to see dozens of missed calls. There were none. I looked at Vance and began, “She didn’t even…”
“Don’t worry, bro. I called her and told her you were going to crash with me. That’s why she didn’t call.”
“Thank fuck. Was she really pissed?”
Vance looked uncomfortable for a moment. “No, I wouldn’t say she was pissed.”
“What, then?” I demanded, not being able to imagine her being anything but angry that I got too drunk to even call her myself.
“Well, she seemed irritated,” he said.
“That’s better than pissed off,” I replied.
Vance looked at me thoughtfully and nodded. “Yeah. Doesn’t seem like you’re going to be in the doghouse any more than you already are these days.”
I walked over to the sofa which had been my bed for the night and slouched down on the rumpled blanket I had yet to fold up.
“It’s after one, though,” he continued. “I called this morning but got your answering service. I left a message, but you should probably call and let her know you’re okay. I offered to let you crash here for the whole weekend if you want to, but you were hardly coherent. The offer still stands. I’ve got nothing going on other than some work. We can just hang out and chill until tomorrow night. Maybe some space will do you both some good.”
I really wanted to be with Elise, but Vance had a point. Our apartment was small, so there was never much space between us unless one of us was in the bedroom alone. Maybe there was some validity to her feeling crowded by me even if it was only a perception. I was a big guy. I took up a lot of room.
“Yeah, I think I will stay. If you don’t mind having to smell me in the same clothes since Friday. I didn’t even change after work before meeting you.”
“I have a couple huge t-shirts that will fit you. I’ll give you some sweats to wear, but they might be an inch or two too short,” he said with a laugh.
“If we ain’t going anywhere, no one to laugh but you, and you already have, motherfucker.”
Vance just laughed harder. “Go shower, meathead. I’ll leave the clothes in the bedroom.”
The weekend passed easily. I tried to call Elise a couple times, but she never answered. I left messages each time, but she didn’t call back until Sunday afternoon. Vance had gone to his office for a couple hours to get ahead on some work since he was trying to impress the partners at his firm. I was sitting on his couch, zoning out to some old Seinfeld reruns. I answered my phone in a hurry when I saw it was Elise calling.
“Hey, baby,” I greeted.
Her voice sang across the line, surprising me. She sounded happy and not in the least concerned that I wasn’t home.
“Hey, Justin. I need to ask you a little favor.”
“Sure, Angel-face. What do you need?” I asked, eager to help her in any way I could, no matter how small.
“Can you loan me some money?”
“Of course. How much do you need?” I asked wondering why she would need money. Elise was as responsible with her finances as she was with her job. I quickly decided it didn’t matter. Whatever she needed, I was glad to oblige.
I heard her waver on the other end of the line. “Um, would three-hundred dollars be too much?”
While it wasn’t what I’d call an enormous amount of money, it was a chunk that would affect my budget. Nevertheless, if my girl needed it, I had it to give. I’d just take it from the savings account I’d been using to put away money for our wedding. I still hadn’t asked her, of course, but I wanted to be prepared. There were a couple thousand dollars in there—her ring had set me back a good amount—but it wouldn’t take too long to replace three-hundred of it.
“No, not at all. When do you need it?” I asked.
“Well, can you come home and give it to me now? Leah wants to go shopping, so I need to get it from you before we go.”
Vance and I had gone to pick up my bike Saturday afternoon, so getting home was no problem. I was stunned to find out she wanted the money just to go shopping, but the idea of spoiling Elise like that made me smile, so I didn’t bother to question it. God knew I hadn’t done much smiling or laughing myself lately.
“Sure. Vance is at work, so I’ll just leave him a note. I’ll be home in half an hour.”
“Great, I’ll call Leah and let her know to come pick me up. Maybe you’ll get to meet her after all.”
I no longer cared whether I met Leah or not but could admit to at least being curious about her. It was hard not to view her as my competition in some small way. It was ridiculous, even to me, but she was getting and enjoying my girl’s attention which had previously been my privilege. Elise still seemed like she couldn’t stand to be around me. While I was happy she finally seemed to be leaving her grief behind, I could hardly wait for the day she was mostly back to her old self and we could go back to living our ‘happily ever after’. Not very ‘bad ass’ of me, but Elise was my weakness.
I got home about half an hour later. Elise was nearly bouncing off the walls, meeting me at the door with a huge grin. It was infectious. I couldn’t help smiling back and trying to scoop her up in a big hug. She allowed it for a moment before wiggling and telling me to put her down. As soon as I did, she thrust out her hand and said, “Gimme.”
If she hadn’t seemed so ebullient, I might have been taken aback or even offended by the immediate demand. Instead, I was practically giddy she was so excited that I could have broken my arm trying to get my wallet out of my back pocket. I had decided I’d just give her my credit card that way she didn’t have to worry about what she spent. I pulled it out of my wallet and her face fell.
“What is that,” she asked sourly.
“It’s my card. I thought you’d rather have that, so you could spend whatever you wanted,” I replied, baffled.
“No, Justin. I want cash.”
“Okay,” I said, drawing out the syllable slowly. “If it’s that important to you, I’ll go back out and get cash from the ATM, but why? What difference does it make?”
Elise stammered at first, but then her face relaxed as she looked at me, the smile once again taking over her face. She even looked a little chagrined.
“Well, I borrowed some money from Leah last time we went shopping, and I need to pay her back. It’s only fifty dollars, but don’t you think it would be easier to just get a chunk of cash? Three hundred dollars will be plenty. Thank you for offering your card though. You are entirely too good to me.” She leaned in and gave me a kiss on the cheek. The shifts in her mood since I hit the door were enough to make me want to shake my head clear, but really, I was just happy that she seemed to be happy again. I’d do whatever she wanted to keep her smiling at me like that.
When I came back from getting the cash she wanted, Elise was in the living room with a tall redhead. She was attractive for sure, but a little more obvious than I liked. She looked like the kind of girl I normally would have met in a bar before I met Elise. The kind that threw themselves at me without any hesitation. This time was no exception. I saw her eyes light up with interest as I walked into the room.
“Hey, babe,” I said as I looked at Elise.
She jumped up from her seat on the sofa and ran toward me once again nearly bouncing on her feet.
“This is Leah,” she said as she waved toward her friend who had since stood and was strolling toward us. I noticed the exaggerated roll of her hips and the playful smile on her lips. I had a moment’s concern that Leah may not be such a good friend to my Elise, but immediately dismissed it in favor of how she seemed to be bringing my girl back to life. I could forgive anyone anything for that, I thought. Besides, Leah had no chance with me.
I nodded a hello to Leah as I pulled my wallet out again. I stuffed a wad of twenties into Elise’s eager fist. I had taken out an extra hundred just to surprise her. It was as if one hit of her sunshine again had made me an addict that was willing to pay anything for more of it.
Elise reached up and gave me a soft kiss on my lips. I wanted so desperately to grab her and deepen the kiss, it had been so long since I’d tasted the sweet flavor of her mouth. However, Leah was there, and I knew Elise was eager to get on with their shopping plans. I did hug her to me a little longer but let her go before she could start wiggling to be free again.
“There you go, Angel-face. Go enjoy yourself. Buy something pretty so you can model it for me when you get back,” I said with a playful wink.
“I sure will, baby,” Elise smiled back at me, but it seemed a little forced. “Don’t wait up though. I may be out late. Leah and I were talking about going out to dinner after.”
I was disappointed they didn’t ask me to join them but didn’t spend too much time thinking about it. I just nodded and told her again to enjoy herself. I looked up at Leah’s face, still shining with a mix of curiosity and lust.
“Thanks for being here for my girl. She’s needed a friend like you,” I offered, trying to set the right tone between us.
“No need to thank me,” she replied as her face took on a knowing look that I didn’t understand. “Elise is the best partner in crime.”
I didn’t know why, but the statement didn’t sit quite right with me. Shrugging it off, I said, “Ha! Well, don’t make me come bail you out tonight. Don’t cause too much trouble.”
Elise gave a stilted laugh of her own before motioning to Leah.
“Come on, daylight’s burning. Let’s get to those sales you were telling me about.”
Elise picked up her purse from its place on the coffee table, then headed to the door. Leah approached me and put out her hand. I placed mine in it, and she gave it a warm, slow, squeeze.
“It’s been a pleasure to meet you finally, Justin. I look forward to seeing you again.” She punctuated her sentence by moistening her lips with her tongue. I wanted to roll my eyes, but again, this was my girl’s friend and the apparent cause of her recent turnaround. I wouldn’t let myself feel anything but indebted to Leah for it.
Elise came in sometime during the night. She wasn’t home when I went to bed but was there when I woke. In fact, she was wide awake and cleaning the kitchen.
“Babe, what are you doing?” I asked as I tried to blink the sleep from my eyes and stagger to the coffeemaker.
“Oh, Justin!” she exclaimed when she jumped in surprise. “You startled me! I got home a couple hours ago. We had a few drinks after dinner and ended up shutting the place down. I had such a good time! I’m not sleepy yet, so I’ve been trying to do something quiet and not wake you up.”
It was early, of course, since I started my days at the warehouse at the crack of dawn. Her explanation sounded a little weird to me, but not entirely out of the realm of possibility. Between that thought and my own sleepy state, I didn’t question her further. We both remained quiet as I sucked down my first cup of coffee. Elise seemed particularly engrossed in hand-washing dishes, even though we had a dishwasher. I was concerned since she had to work that morning, too, although much later than I did. She’d be dead-tired by the time she got home. I made a mental note to order takeout from her favorite restaurant for dinner.
Once I had normal motor function, I got myself ready as quietly as possible and left the house. Elise didn’t even seem to notice.