Chapter Three
“Cara, I—” He paused and took a deep breath. “I still love you. I will always love you. You are the first person who ever made me feel like I was worth something, something more than what people thought. You stood by me when I wasn’t an easy person to be around, and you showed me that I shouldn’t be afraid to fall in love.”
Cara took a step back. “Jack.” Her voice came out sounding hoarse, so she broke off and cleared her throat “Why are you telling me all this?”
Jack took a step forward, so that Cara was placed between him and the doctor’s chair. “I’m telling you this because you need to know. I didn’t deserve you before, and I don’t deserve you now. That doesn’t change how I feel, though. The only difference is, this time I won’t try to deserve you, I’m just going to show you why you should give me another chance.”
Cara shook her head. “I don’t understand.”
“I know it’s crappy of me to do this now, when you’re finally starting to move on, but I’m going to win you back, Cara. Whatever it takes. I’m going to prove that I’m worth taking a second look at because you once looked at me, and saw something no one else could see. I’m hoping you’ll be able to do it again.”
Cara’s mouth hung open, but only a strangled sound came out. “I, I don’t know what to say.”
“You don’t have to say anything, just don’t say no.”
“Jack, I—” Cara tore her gaze away. “I can’t.”
“Can’t or won’t?”
Cara’s eyes flew back to his. “Does it matter?”
“It matters to me,” Jack said quietly. “And I think it matters to you, too.”
She heaved a sigh, and her whole body shuddered because of the magnitude of his proximity. “I know it does, and I’m not negating that. I’m not saying that I don’t feel the same, but we tried to make it work once, and when we couldn’t, we nearly destroyed each other in the end.”
“I don’t like the kind of people it turned us into, Jack. I don’t want to be that person again. It was almost like I lost myself. I wouldn’t survive you a second time, Jack.”
Anguish, regret, and guilt fought for dominance in his eyes as he studied her quietly. “I know. I was lost myself, and I took it out on you, and I didn’t like it either. But, we know better now, we know what to avoid, and what to do. I think we can make it work again.”
Cara tried to ignore the way her body felt when he was so close to her again. Especially because she had thought of nothing else for months, and she tried to ignore the yearning she felt for him.
“Jack, you’re invading my personal space right now, and it’s making me unable to think clearly, so please just take a step back.”
Jack hastily stepped back. “I didn’t mean to do that. I wasn’t trying to pressure you. I couldn’t help being drawn to you, Car. I’ve been drawn to you since the moment we met, before you even noticed me. I got carried away.”
She really didn’t want to do this, but she felt like she had to.
She needed it to.
It was vital and essential for her to face Jack, and hear these things if she was ever going to be able to truly move on.
Cara pursed her lips. “Jack, why do you love me?”
Jack looked startled. “What do you mean?”
Cara gestured between them. “I mean, why do you still love me? You said that you’re still in love with me, and that you always will be. Why?”
Jack looked at her. “I can’t really put it into words, Car.”
Cara took a step forward and placed her hand gently on his shoulder. “I think you think you’re still in love with me, Jack. The truth is probably that you aren’t anymore.”
Jack’s eyes flashed. “You can’t tell me what I feel or don’t feel.”
“I’m not trying to.”
“Yes, you are. Just because you’re an emotional person, and you’re in touch with your emotional side doesn’t give you a free pass when it comes to determining how others feel.”
“I don’t even know how you feel.” Exasperation leaked into her tone. “I really don’t, Jack. When we were together, in the beginning, I thought you felt something strong towards me, Deeper than what I felt because you had felt it for longer, but over time, I just wasn’t sure anymore. It started to seem like you were more in love with the idea in your head as opposed to the actual person.”
Jack’s eyes had turned a shade darker. “You want to know why I love you?!”
“Yes!” she yelled as they stood in front of each other, drawing ragged breaths, the electricity in the room having gone up ten notches. “Tell me how you freaking feel! Stop saying you can’t. I know you can!”
Jack placed one hand on either side of her shoulder, and took a deep breath. He opened and closed his mouth several times, unable to formulate the words. Finally, he shook his head and pressed his mouth into a thin line.
Disappointment flooded her senses. Her shoulders slumped forward, and she suddenly felt tired. The kind of tired that made her bones feel old, and her skin seemed to sag with the weight of her grief.
The pain she felt was obviously still much too real.
Like a gaping wound that had finally started to scab, but feeling impatient, she started to pick at it.
“That’s why, Jack. That’s why I can’t give you a second chance. It would be like picking up where we left off.”
Jack opened his mouth to protest, but Cara held up a hand to signal that he should wait.
“The entire time we were together, I would literally beg you to let me in, to give me a chance to prove myself, but you kept me at arm’s length. You were always afraid that I’d end up hurting you like other people hurt you, and I never actually stood a chance.”
“That’s not true, you know that isn’t true, Cara.”
Cara searched his face. “Isn’t it, though? Deep down, I know you know that what I’m saying is true. You said it yourself. You’re an expert at pushing people away, at keeping your emotions close to your heart.”
Jack’s eyes burned. “That isn’t true about us, Cara. You were never like that.”
“Maybe not when we were friends, but that changed, didn’t it? You asked me to take a leap of faith, and take a chance on you.”
Everything she had been feeling since their inevitable crash and burn was threatening to burst out of her. Like a volcano lying dormant for so long, it had no choice but to erupt, and melt everything in its path.
Cara bit her lip to keep her mouth from trembling. “But what really happened is that when I jumped, you didn’t just step back and let me fall. You stared at my crumpled form on the floor, and you just walked away. You didn’t even look back, Jack. You just left me.”
Cara almost wished she hadn’t shared that. Not because she regretted opening like that, but mostly because she stared at the aftermath, and she realized that Jack had pushed her to talk about something she preferred to keep under lock and key.
He shouldn’t still be able to do that.
Jack tried to get her to talk about it for months, but she refused. Yet, Jack, who was the reason she was in this mess to begin with could make her spill her deepest worries with one look.
He didn’t deserve to know her like that anymore.
Jack dragged in a harsh breath. “It wasn’t supposed to be like that, Cara. I just couldn’t do it anymore.”
“So, you thought of yourself,” Cara responded monotonously, tearing her gaze away from him. She counted backwards from ten to calm her frayed nerves. “Then why did you make me feel like the bad guy for getting upset about it?”
Jack raked his hands through his hair. “I lashed out, okay? I made a mistake, Cara. Haven’t you ever made a mistake before?”
“I’ve made plenty of mistakes, Jack, but no matter what I’ve done in my life, and I’ve done plenty, at least I can say that I didn’t kick a person when they were down.”
Jack swallowed audibly. “You know what it was like for me, Cara. What I was going through.”
Tears sprung forth in her eyes. “I know, and believe me I did my best to be there for you, to absorb your anger, and your sadness, but in the state you were in…”
Cara shook her head at the memory. At the point in time, Jack was a shell of the man he used to be. Often, she would catch glimpses of the man she fell in love with, remnants hidden inside little pockets of time, but it never lasted long.
Jack took her hands in his, and looked deep into her eyes. “I can’t make up for what I did, Cara. I know that, but I’ve spent the past few months realizing what I want out of life, and my life doesn’t make sense without you in it. I can’t live without you.”
“Yes, you can. You can, and you did, and you’ll do it again. I know that you love me, I know that you loved me for a very long time, but if there’s one thing I know for a fact is that you are an expert at self-destructing, then rebuilding yourself and erasing any fragment of the person you were with.”
“I’m not the same person anymore, Cara. I’m different.”
“And you thought you could just walk back into my life like you hadn’t almost destroyed it, and I would let you? I believed once before, blindly, but this time, it’ll take more than just actions.”
“No, I didn’t think it would be that simple, but I’m here, aren’t I?”
Tears spilled over her eyelashes, and Jack used the pad of his thumb to wipe them away. The look on his face let her know that he truly was apologetic, and he was sincere, but she just couldn’t go down that path with him again.
They had already tried once, and when they set fire to their memory, the flames nearly consumed her. She had to fight tooth and nail to claw her way out of there, and when she remerged, scarred, but still alive, she promised herself that she would become better, stronger.
And she would never let anybody have that kind of control over her again.
“It’s not enough. Before I used to think that it was, and I know that. I settled for that, but I want more now. I deserve more, and it took me a very long time to accept that it was okay to want that. You claim you never deserved me, and that you still don’t, but it was never about that. That’s just an excuse people use, so that they don’t apply themselves, so that they don’t work hard to make a relationship work.”
Cara gently removed her hand from his, and Jack studied her carefully, his face receding into the blank expression she was used to.
“You talked about changing, and a time or two, you even almost did, but sooner or later, your fear took over, and that vicious insecurity inside your head took over, and I became another obstacle you had to face.”
“With the kind of experiences, I’ve had, can you blame me?”
“No, I can’t blame you for your past, but I can hold you accountable for the way you react in the present. Stop using your past as an excuse. Stop playing the victim, and take control of your life, Jack.”
It was strange throwing his own words back at him. He told her something similar once, not too long ago, but she realized now that he was talking about himself. He was just projecting onto her.
“It’s not that easy.”
“Nobody said it would be easy, but it’s worth it.”
It wasn’t that she didn’t want Jack back, it was that she knew better now. She wasn’t the same person that she was back then, and she wouldn’t make any apologies for that.
She just didn’t know if the person that she was right now could be with Jack, and love him again. At least, not the Jack she knew.
He would have to make a major change, and commit to it, and she wasn’t sure if he was going to be able to do.
Cara drew herself up, and drew on the strength she had inside. “So I’ll be damned if I let you walk back in here, asking for a second chance, and get it just like that. Like hell that’s happening. You want a second chance, Jack then earn it and try to deserve me. Please don’t walk back into my life until you actually mean it.”
Cara threw her head back, lifted her head high in the air, and walked out of that office without looking back.
It was one of the hardest things she ever had to do, but she knew she needed to do it nonetheless.