Katie

 

I hovered beside Rick’s car. Wondering where this left us, wondering where any of this would lead. Wondering where I even wanted this to lead.

“So,” he said. “Where to now, pretty lady? Need a lift?” He opened the passenger door in invitation. “I can put the roof down, travel in style. Wherever you want to go.”

I slipped into the seat, and the answer became obvious. So obvious.

“Home, please,” I said. “Yours.”

He reached over and took my hand, pressed it to his lips and kissed me, kissed my knuckles, every single one. And he smiled. He smiled and it lit up the world.

“Let’s go home,” he said.

He lightened the mood on the way back to Cheltenham, tuned into a cheesy radio station and sang along. He put the roof down, and it felt amazing, the wind catching my hair as we picked up speed. I loved the way his fingers drummed to the beat on the steering wheel, the way he danced in his seat so easily, so freely. Even though we were exposed — on show to every passing motorist without the privacy of the car roof — Rick had no reservations, no sense of self-consciousness, and I loved that about him. It was something I loved about both of them, the way their company felt so liberating, so free from the pressure of following any kind of status quo.

“I like this one,” I said, as one of my favourite tracks came on.

Rick turned up the volume. “Sing it, baby,” he said in a stupid voice.

And I did, I did sing it. My sad little heart picked up, and I laughed and sang the high bits even though my voice squeaked like a chipmunk when I lost the note.

He clapped when it was over, turned the volume back down.

“Man, we really need a night out,” he said. “Drinks and dancing and a huge fucking blow out.”

“Yes,” I said. “That sounds good.” I sighed, letting the tension of the stable disappointment fall away. “That sounds really great.”

“We still need to celebrate. You still did fucking ace this week, remember that. We need to party.”

I’d all but forgotten my triumph at work, a little thrill zipped through me. “It’s early days.”

“Early days, but you aced it. Carl said you were awesome. He’s so proud.” He squeezed my knee. “So am I.”

It made me blush. Maybe I was a just a little proud of myself, too.

 

The nerves started up as Rick turned onto their estate. The thought of facing Carl both excited and terrified me. Would he be cold again? Intimidating again? Closed off at the thought I couldn’t be the one they wanted?

Couldn’t I be the one they wanted? Was this inevitably doomed? The idea hurt.

Rick pulled onto their driveway. He turned off the radio and triggered the roof, and I fiddled with my seatbelt as we waited.

“Don’t look so scared,” he said. “We’re home. It’s all good.” He squeezed my hand. “There’s nothing to worry about, Katie, for real. No pressure.”

“I know… I just…” I let out a breath, unclipped my belt. “Let’s go.”

He opened the front door with a big smile on his face, ditched his keys on the side. “Honey, I’m home!” he called, and his voice was so warm, so silly.

I followed him through to the kitchen, and there was Carl, leaning against the island with his tablet in his hand, a mug of coffee by his side. His attention was on what he was doing, some work business, no doubt. I’d seen the same expression often as he crunched figures for sales meetings and client calls. But there was something else there, too. Maybe it was the grit of his jaw, or the uncharacteristic ghost of stubble, maybe even something more, something untenable, some kind of… sadness.

He was wearing a shirt, black and simple, over dark jeans. His hair was styled differently, slightly less slick than usual, probably towel dried, and he had no shoes on. I don’t know why that affected me so much, I don’t know why the sight of his bare feet on the tiles gave me flutters inside. I don’t know why seeing him so casual and off guard made my breath catch, made me feel hot and breathless.

He put his tablet down as he caught sight of Rick, his eyes full of questions.

And then he saw me. There was shock as his gaze met mine, a long moment of amazement as I stepped into the kitchen. And then there was a smile, a nervous smile that made my heart do a weird little flip.

“Katie,” he said, as though I’d been gone a million years.

“Surprise,” I said, and it sounded so dumb.

Rick slapped his arm as he walked by, gave him a playful smile. “Couldn’t keep her away. I tried to ditch her in Much Arlock, but she was having none of it.” He flicked the kettle on and gave me a wink. “I guess we’ll just have to put up with her.”

“Guess you will.” I poked my tongue out. “Tea for me, please.”

“And she expects hot beverages.” He mock groaned. “So demanding. I don’t know why we put up with it, Carl.”

But Carl wasn’t listening, wasn’t buying into our stupid banter. His gaze was intense and constant, green eyes eating me alive. My heart did another weird flip, and I felt like I was falling. I stood still, watching him right back.

“Hey,” I said, just like that. One stupid little word and I felt my cheeks burning.

I didn’t know what he’d say, but he didn’t say anything at all. He put down his mug and closed the distance between us in a couple of quick strides. He folded me in his arms, and kissed my hair and held me tight. He smelled of bodywash and citrus, and him. My cheek pressed to his chest, his heartbeat against my ear, and it was warm there, safe there. Everything felt so right there.

His chin rested on my head, his arms solid as they gave me a squeeze.

“I’m sorry,” he said. “I’m sorry for what I said, I’m sorry about the yard.” He breathed into my hair, kissed me again. “I’m so glad you’re here.”

I felt as though I was melting into him, my body sinking into his. I held him right back, my arms around his waist, squeezing him just as hard as he was squeezing me.

“Thanks for coming back,” he said, and there was such sincerity there it caught in his throat.

I wanted to say so much, but the words were catching in my throat, too. I couldn’t shake the sadness, the pain in my heart at Rick’s story.

“I stink of Samson.” I tried to laugh, but it came out all goofed up, and there was a pathetic little sob, one I couldn’t stop, and tears pricked even though I didn’t want them to.

“I like the stink of Samson,” he said, and sniffed me.

I fought him a little as he took me by the shoulders, prised me away enough to look at my face. I tried to blink away the sadness before he noticed, but I was too late.

“What is it?” he said. “The yard?” He sighed. “I’m so sorry you’re losing the yard. We can still try and rent… we can talk to Jack…”

But I was shaking my head. “I’m fine,” I said. “It’s not the yard. I’m ok with the yard. It’s not even that important, not in the scheme of things. It’s just some land.”

Carl’s eyes dug into mine, and I looked away before he could dig my thoughts right out of me, but I was too late, he’d already seen.

He looked towards Rick, a half-smile on his face. “Had a little chat, did you, Richard? Spill all my dirty secrets?”

Rick stepped over, handed me a mug. “Don’t even think about telling me off for blurting out shit I shouldn’t, mister.” He jabbed Carl’s shoulder with a finger, but he was smiling. “Pot fucking kettle springs to mind.” He pulled his tobacco from his jeans, rolled a cigarette. “Smoke time. I’ll leave you two to do your little kiss-and-move-the-fuck-on.”

He stepped in the direction of the back door, but Carl gripped his arm. He yanked him close, wrapped an arm around his neck, pulling him into a headlock which didn’t look altogether comfortable. And then he kissed him, a big wet kiss, right on the cheek.

“I love you, Rick,” he said, and my heart thumped.

Rick stayed put, snaked his arm around Carl’s waist before Carl let him go.

“Urgh,” he protested, wiping his cheek. But his eyes were sparkling, they said so much.

I waited until the door closed behind him before I went to speak, but Carl cut me off.

“You don’t need to say anything,” he said. “I was wrong to put you under pressure. There is nothing to talk about, nothing you need to say.”

“But I want to…” I sighed. “I wanted to say thanks, for the offer.”

He held up his hands. “The offer stands, no conditions. It’s there if you want it, Katie.”

I shook my head. “No,” I said. “But thank you.”

“If you change your mind…”

“I won’t,” I said. “Not about the yard.”

His eyes widened. “And about everything else? Are you planning on staying with us? For the rest of the six months? Is that what you want?”

I sipped my tea. “No.” I shook my head. “That isn’t what I want. Not for six months.”

His face dropped instantly, his shoulders heavy. “I see.” He paused. “I do understand.”

“You don’t,” I said, and then I waited, watching Rick pacing and smoking through the window. “I don’t know what I’ll want forever, but I know what I want right now.”

“And what’s that?”

I smiled. “Let’s wait for Rick.”

 

We moved to the living room, and I took the armchair. Carl took the sofa, and Rick took the pouffe between us both.

“So,” Carl said, ever the straight-talker. “Where do we go from here? What do you want from us?”

I took a second to organise my thoughts, still not entirely sure where they were heading. “Our arrangement is off,” I said. “I don’t want any more payments, I don’t want any more money.” I looked between them. “I don’t want any three weekends out of four stuff, not that we’ve ever had that yet. I don’t want sugar daddies, I don’t need sugar daddies. Not anymore. Not now the yard is off the table.”

Carl nodded, and so did Rick.

It was Carl who spoke next, predictably. “Alright,” he said. “If that’s what you want. What now? Friends?”

“I hope we’re a little past that.” I smiled. “I want to see how this goes. I love being with you guys, I love spending time with you, I love what we have.”

“I think it’s safe to say we all feel like that,” Rick said. “You won’t get any arguments from this end.”

I sighed. “I’m not saying I can be that person, the person you want. I’m not saying I’m going to change my opinion on wanting kids, or that if I ever do, that it’ll be soon.” I looked at Carl and he looked right back at me. “I’m sorry, but I just can’t promise that. I just don’t know.”

“That’s ok,” Carl said. “We understand.”

My hands twisted in my lap. “But I do want this. Whatever this is we’re doing. I really want this.” I looked at Rick. “I love the way you guys love each other, and I love the way you’ve been with me. I love the way you’re so supportive of me and Samson. I love the life we have here.” I smiled. “And I love having sex with you. I love that a lot.”

“Amen to that.” Rick smirked.

“So, what I’m asking,” I began. “What I’m asking is that you give me the six months you were planning on. Before we make any long-term decisions, I mean. I’m not sure I’ll even know then, not for sure, not what I want. But we’ll have had time to try this out, to see how it goes.”

“Sounds fair,” Carl said.

“Sounds really fair,” Rick said.

“I’m not having the yard now, so I’ll have to relocate Samson. I might not have a riding school, but I’ve still got a horse I want to event for the next few summers.” I sighed. “I’m gutted about the yard, I really am, but my dream was about more than that. It’s about Samson, it’s about how far we’ve come. I just don’t think I can sacrifice that.”

Carl held up his hands. “You don’t need to justify anything, Katie. It’s ok. We understand.” He paused. “We support you, with Samson, with whatever you want to do.”

My heart was beating so fast. “I know,” I said. “That’s part of the reason I’m not sure what I want anymore.” I looked at my hands. “It’s always seemed so simple, what I wanted. Samson, riding school, no kids, nothing to hold me back, just me and horses and a dream.”

“Things change,” Rick said. “Just give yourself a break, see where things go. No pressure, pretty lady. I mean it. We both mean it.”

“Ok.” I let out a breath. “So, we do this? No sugar daddies, just us, just seeing where this leads?”

Carl nodded. “We see where this leads.”

Rick smiled. “We do this.”

The relief flooded me, relief and happiness. “Great,” I said. “That’s really great.”

The guys looked at each other, then Rick spoke. “Are you gonna… move in? Is this… official? I dunno… are we… in a relationship?”

I shrugged. “I guess so, if that’s what you want.”

“It’s what we want,” Carl said. “Official. We’re official.” His eyes were intense and it made me blush. “As for the future, we’ll decide in six months.”

Rick shot him a look. “Or whenever Katie’s ready to decide.”

Carl held up his hands. “Yes, whenever you’re ready to decide.”

“Six months,” I said. “I’ll know. I’ll make sure I know.”

“Fine,” Carl said. “That’s all we can ask for. All we’d ever ask for.”

I smiled. “I don’t know how my mum is going to react to all this.” I caught myself. “I mean… if that’s ok… if that’s what we’re planning? That this is official?”

Carl nodded. “It’s official. You can tell your mum when you want to tell your mum. We’d like that.”

Rick grinned. “I want you to meet my folks, they’ll love you. And my sisters.”

Carl shrugged, smiled a little. “I don’t have anyone. There’s nobody for you to meet.”

“You do. You have my dad,” I said, voicing the unspoken. “I couldn’t give a shit what he thinks about anything… but you…”

His eyes crashed into mine. “I would like to tell your father, yes. I don’t do secrets, and I respect David. He’s important to me. I’d like to be honest with him.”

“I don’t know him, I don’t know how he’ll react. He probably won’t give a shit,” I scoffed.

“He’ll give a shit,” Carl said.

“He’ll definitely give a shit,” Rick said. “You’re his little girl.”

“I’m his mistake,” I said. “What difference will it make to him?”

Carl shook his head. “You’re not a mistake, Katie. David would never call you a mistake, I can assure you of that.”

It made me feel sick inside, sick and small, and fragile. Weird. It made me feel weird.

I shrugged it off. “Maybe hold off from telling him, just until this internship thing is over. To be safe.”

“That’s a long time,” Carl said. “I’m not sure I can wait that long. People will find out, he may ask me directly. If he asks me, I’ll answer. It’s how I work.”

“Don’t we pissing know it,” Rick groaned, but he reached out a hand, squeezed Carl’s knee.

“Ok,” I said. “If he asks, you tell him, but if he doesn’t, we just wait awhile, just until… it’s time. I dunno.” I shrugged. “Does that work?”

“That works,” Carl said. “For now. Anything changes, I’ll let you know before I tell him, give you the chance to do it for yourself. He’s your dad. It’s your call.”

“He’s not my dad,” I said. “Not like that. He’s never been a dad to me.”

Neither of them spoke. It sat uncomfortably in the air, our difference in opinion about David Mr Perfect Faverley.

Rick slapped his knees, called us to attention. He got to his feet, held out his arms. “Group fucking hug,” he said. “Seal the deal.”

I took his hand, pulled myself up, and as my body moved towards theirs, their bright smiles, their kind eyes… the way they were so happy, the way they wanted me… I felt my skin prickle, from head to toe, this need in my belly, lower than that… this want…

I wanted them. Both of them.

I wanted them both so much I couldn’t stand it.

They pulled me close, wrapped me in strong arms that held me so tight, and I said it. I just said it. Because I could say it, because I could say whatever I wanted now. Off the script, a proper relationship.

They weren’t paying. Not anymore.

“I was hoping for a bit more than a group hug,” I said.