Carl

 

I kept an eye on their living room window, even though I could barely make anything out through the blinds. My palms were sweaty and my throat was dry, and I was scared my revelation had done more harm than good. And yet, I couldn’t argue with my gut, with that unyielding part of me that insists on speaking the truth, on telling it like it is, damn the consequences.

Damn my big fucking mouth.

I closed my eyes as I called Rick, preparing to face the music. His voice was breezy, blissfully cheerful, until I told him what I’d done.

A long sigh, and I could picture him shaking his head, pacing, cursing my name under his breath. “Mr fucking Big Mouth strikes again. Jesus, Carl.”

“She needed to know. It wasn’t fair, not on anyone. Not on her.”

“I fucking hope she sees it that way.”

I rested my head back against the seat. “So do I.”

“What now, hmm? What’s your grand master plan?”

I shrugged, even though he couldn’t see me. “I wait, I bring her home, I listen. We listen. She decides how she wants to handle the situation from here on in.”

“You make it sound so simple.” He sighed. “Let’s just hope you haven’t messed things up for her. She was happy, Carl. I’m not so sure she’s gonna appreciate your good intentions, not in the short term.”

“She will,” I said, and I was sure. “Katie’s strong, she’s grounded. She’s got her head screwed on tight.” I glanced back at the window, still no movement. “She can handle this, Rick, I know she can.”

“You haven’t given her much choice.” He groaned. “Just tread gently, will you? No more grand revelations, my nerves can’t fucking take it.”

“My cards are all already on the table,” I said. “There’s nothing left to reveal. I’m all done.”

“Thank fuck for that.” I heard him light up a cigarette. “Do you want me to head over?”

“No need,” I said. “No point us both sitting out here. I caused the mess.”

“Just bring our pretty lady home when she’s ready. We’ll clean it up together, all three of us.”

“I will.”

“Take care of her, yeah? And make sure you take care of you, too.”

“Alright, Mother.” I took a breath, and made myself say another truth. One that never usually comes so easily. “I love you, Rick.”

I could hear the surprise in his tone. “I love you, too.” He laughed a little. “Even your big fucking blabbermouth.”

“Don’t pretend loving my mouth is a hardship for you, Richard.” I smiled. “We’ll see you later.”

 

I busied myself with work emails, but my efforts were half-arsed. My motivation was lacking, and my nerves were heightening. An hour turned to two, and two turned to three. The warm evening drew on and still there was no sign of my blue-eyed girl. I just hoped she was alright in there, hoped she was getting the answers so long denied. I’d abandoned both my phone and tablet by the time Katie reappeared, enjoying the last of the sun as twilight closed in. She hovered on the doorstep, exchanging parting words with her mother, and they seemed ok. Smiles. A big hug.

I sat up in my seat, watched her approach the car with my heart in my throat.

She slipped into the passenger seat, and her cheeks were puffy and tear stained, even though her eyes were dry.

“Alright?” I asked.

She nodded. “Let’s go.”

Her mother waved as I pulled the car away, and Katie held up a hand in farewell.

I waited until we were away from her estate before I considered talking, but Katie beat me to it.

She sighed, long and loud, then slumped further into her seat. “My head is fucked,” she announced. “Fried. Totally fried.”

“I’m sorry,” I said. “This is my doing.”

“No. It’s not.” She reached out a hand and took mine. “You told me the truth, thank you. I mean, it sucks, but thank you. It seems it’s something I’ve been lacking, people who’ll tell it like it is.”

“Always,” I said. “I’ll always tell you the truth.”

I could feel her eyes on me, even though mine were on the road. “I was a long time. Thanks for waiting.”

I smiled. “I’ll always be waiting if you need me, Katie. That’s another thing you can count on.”

She squeezed my fingers. “I can count on you,” she said. “And I’m grateful. I’m really grateful.”

“Even though I just triggered the switch that fried your brain?”

“Especially because you just triggered the switch that fried my brain.” She took a breath. “I don’t know what happens now. I mean, what can possibly happen now? What do I do with this stuff? Where do I take it? But at least I get a shot, right? I get a shot to make my own choices, know things for what they really are.” She laughed a strange little laugh. “Shit, Carl, I don’t even know where to start. The whole thing feels crazy. Everything I’ve ever known feels… unsteady.”

I shot her a look, and the urge to stop the car and crush her in my arms threatened to possess me.

“Why don’t you take it from the top? And we can work it out together.”

She nodded, sighed again. Breathed deeply, steadily, her eyes on the road ahead as we left the Much Arlock bypass and turned towards Cheltenham.

And then she took it from the top.

 

I listened intently while she spoke. Listened to the tale of a young woman who’d been cast aside by the man she’d loved. A young woman who’d been afraid and lonely, fearing the powers that be would deem her an unfit mother because she couldn’t afford the trappings of a more affluent lifestyle. Fearing her baby’s father would take her for his own, and take her away, another dream stolen. One she couldn’t bear to lose.

A young woman who should have told the truth, but didn’t have the courage. A young woman who’d worked hard to give her daughter everything, but couldn’t face opening the can of worms it would take to give her a father.

“I don’t think she’d ever have told me,” Katie said. “If he hadn’t found about me, I mean. I don’t think she’d have ever told him, either.”

“How do you feel about that?”

She shrugged. “I don’t know what I feel. Part of me thinks I should be angry, but I’m not. I mean, I get it, why she was scared, why she lied. I’m sad she did, but I get it.” She paused. “I love my mum so much. She’s everything to me, she’s always been everything to me. She was always there, always seeing the best in me, always trying her hardest. I know she meant the best.”

“And how do you feel about your father?”

She shrugged again. “That’s harder. I just don’t know.” She sighed. “I mean, he’s still a dick. He still left my mum, still fired her. He’s still the guy with the spoiled annoying kids who were really fucking mean to me, he’s still the guy who tried to make me something I wasn’t, tried to shape me into part of his family rather than get to know me as myself.”

“Is there a but in there?”

She nodded. “But he didn’t abandon me. Not like I thought he did. He didn’t even know I existed. So, how could he have been there? How could he have tried? How can I feel angry for the way he rocked up into my life at ten years old? He came as soon as he could.” She stared out of the window. “I didn’t get to know him, I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to know him because I didn’t think he wanted to know me. But I was wrong. I just don’t know where this leads, how this changes everything. It’s all so… big… all so… fuzzy…”

“It’s a lot to get your head around, Katie. Give yourself a break.”

“What do you think I should do, Carl? What would you do?”

“That’s a big question.”

“I know it is… but I…” She paused. “I trust you.”

“I’m glad, but that doesn’t mean I have the right answers. You have the right answers for you, Katie.”

“It doesn’t feel like it.”

I pulled her hand to my lips, kissed her fingers. “You’re smart, you’re strong. You have a good heart. You’ll make the right choices.”

“All the choices I’ve ever made have been based on lies.”

I shook my head. “That isn’t true. Your heart is your heart, your soul is your soul. This shit with your father doesn’t change who you are inside, who you’ve always been inside.”

“Ok, so most of the choices I’ve ever made have been based on lies.”

“Maybe, but that matters little now. You made the best decisions for you at the time, with the facts you had available. Now, in the future, you may make different choices, based on new information.”

“A whole new world…”

“If that’s what you want.”

She sighed. “I don’t know much of what I want right now.”

“So start with the things you do know, work from there.”

I felt her tug at my sleeve, and it made my breath hitch. “Pull over,” she said. “There’s a truck stop up ahead.”

I indicated left, rumbled the Range off the road. I put the car in neutral, turned to face her. “What?” I said. “What’s the matter? What is it?”

Her eyes twinkled in the last rays of the sun, expressive and confused. “I don’t know what I want, Carl. I don’t know if I want to know my dad, or if I’ll be disappointed to find out he’s still the same prick I thought he was. I don’t know if I lost out on being a kid because my mum was scared to let me love someone who didn’t love her, and I don’t know what that means for my future. I don’t know if I clipped my own wings because I learned it was ok to be content not to push myself, not to challenge myself, because I was rebelling. Rebelling against a family I was against from the very beginning. I don’t know if I’d want the same things, know the same things, have done all the same things if I’d have known better, known I wasn’t an unwanted daughter.”

“So, what do you know?” I stared at her. “Why are we here? Parked up in the middle of nowhere?”

“Because I know you.” She unclipped her belt, and my belly flipped. “Because I know I want you. Because you’re the only thing that makes sense to me, right now, you and Rick.” She reached for me, and I closed my eyes. “Because you’re so straight, Carl. Because you don’t shy away from what’s ahead. Because you’re always there.”

I smirked. “I’m rarely called straight, Katie. That makes a novel change.”

“Rick’s right about you, when he says you’re the best man he’s ever known. You’re the best man I’ve ever known, too. The best men I’ve ever known, you and Rick.”

“Stop,” I said. “You don’t have to say all this.”

She smiled. “You’ll be the best dad, Carl. You’re everything a good dad should be. Loyal, and honest, and strong. Kind. Hardworking. Supportive.”

Her words made my skin tingle. I had to change the subject. I couldn’t take it, not even the thought. Just in case. Just in case it was false hope.

“Your dad isn’t all that bad, Katie, I promise. I really think you should consider giving him a chance. A fresh start, right from the beginning. The start you should have had.”

She was close, so close. Her knees up on the seat, her breath on my cheek. “Kiss me,” she said. “That’s what I want. That’s the one thing I know.”

“Rick’s at home,” I said. “He’s only minutes away…”

She shook her head, and then her lips were on me, soft against my cheek. “Please,” she said. “Kiss me, Carl, right here.”

* * *

 

Katie

 

My heart was racing, my stomach all chewed up. My legs were wobbly and my throat was dry, and life felt unsteady and raw.

And all I wanted was him.

The man who laid everything on the line, who walked the road of truth and honour, no matter where that took him.

“Please,” I said. “Kiss me, Carl, right here.”

He turned his head and his lips were so close to mine. “We come together or not at all,” he whispered. “That’s how we are.”

I stroked his face. “But we’re a three now, right?”

“Yes. That’s right.”

“So, things have got to change, no? Move forward? Evolve?”

“What do you mean?”

His breath was hot on my lips, and I breathed him in. “I love you, Carl.”

He stopped breathing, and his eyes turned wide.

“I love you, and I love Rick. I love both of you. I love both of you together, and both of you as just yourself. Sometimes I’ll want to love Rick, and sometimes I’ll want to love you, and sometimes, most of the time, I’ll want to love you both together.” I let him digest my words. “And sometimes I’ll want you to love each other without me. That’s how three should work, Carl. That’s how I want it to work. Naturally, however it feels right.”

“Katie… I don’t know…”

I put a finger to his lips. “Do you love me, Carl? I know you don’t like to say it, but I’m asking you. And I’ll know you’ll give me the truth because…”

He moved my hand from his mouth, and his lips pressed to mine. He took a breath, took my face in his hands, and he kissed me. He kissed me like he loved me.

And then he said it.

“Yes, I love you, Katie.” He paused. “And so does Rick, and he’s waiting for us at home.”

I pictured Rick, his kind smile, his beautiful body. The way he loved so easily.

I nodded. “Ok,” I said. “Let’s go home.”

His fingers were in my hair before I could move, holding me tight, holding me still. His mouth was urgent this time, his tongue hunting mine, his breath ragged. He let out a low moan, and pulled my body close to his, the warmth of him burning me up.

And then he let me go.

“We’ll talk about this,” he said. “All of us. We’ll make this work as a three, together and separately. It’s time.”

He pulled away from the truck stop.

“It’s real,” I said. “I told my mum about us.”

He raised his eyebrows as he worked up through the gears. “You really did cover a lot of ground this evening. What did she say?”

I laughed a little, remembering the moment. The shock, the surprise, the awkward questions. Do you… with both of them? At the same time? And do they…? Are they…? How does this work, Katie? How does it ever work?

And what about the future, Katie? What about marriage? What about kids?

And then my shock, my shock at the realisation I wasn’t repulsed, wasn’t armed with my usual I don’t even want kids announcement, that I’d been using right through my teens, right off the cuff.

I cut a long story short.

“She said she wants to meet you. Properly.” I smiled. “She wants to meet you both.”

“That’s something,” he said. “At least she didn’t run screaming.” He smirked. “And where does she want this to happen? We could take her out, a nice bite to eat, somewhere tasteful. Impress her with culinary delights.”

“We already decided.” I looked at him. “The Cheltenham Chase. I mean, you are coming right? You are coming to see me and Samson?”

He squeezed my knee. “Of course we’re coming. Wouldn’t miss it for the world.”

And so it was settled.

Mum would meet my boyfriends at the Cheltenham Chase.

Right after Samson and I had kicked Verity’s nasty little ass to the kerb.