Eleven
It was cold. And Danielle’s bare feet were starting to ache. But there had been no way in hell she could run in those high heels. She would have broken her neck.
Of course, if she had broken her neck, she might have fully severed her spinal cord and then not been able to feel anything. A broken heart sadly didn’t work that way. She felt everything. Pain, deep and unending. Pain that spread from her chest out to the tips of her fingers and toes.
She wiggled her toes. In fairness, they might just be frostbitten.
She knew she was being pathetic. Lying down on that Pendleton blanket in the loft. The place where Joshua had first made love to her. Hiding.
Facing everyone—facing Joshua again—was inevitable. She was going to have to get Riley. Pack up her things.
Figure out life without Joshua’s money. Go back to working a cash register at a grocery store somewhere. Wrestling with childcare problems.
She expected terror to clutch her at the thought. Expected to feel deep sadness about her impending poverty. But those feelings didn’t come.
She really didn’t care about any of that.
Well, she probably would care once she was neck deep in it again, but right now all she cared about was that she wouldn’t have Joshua.
If he had no money, if he was struggling just like her, she would have wanted to struggle right along with him.
But money or no money, struggle or no struggle, she needed him to love her. Otherwise...
She closed her eyes and took in a breath of sharp, cold air.
She had been bound and determined to ignore all of the little warnings she’d felt in her soul when she’d thought about their relationship. But in the end, she couldn’t.
She knew far too well what it was like to pour love out and never get it back. And for a while it had been easy to pretend. That his support, and the sex, was the same as getting something back.
But they were temporary.
The kinds of things that would fade over the years.
If none of his choices were rooted in love, if none of it was founded in love, then what they had couldn’t last.
She was saving herself hideous heartbreak down the road by stabbing herself in the chest now.
She snorted. Right now, she kind of wondered what the point was.
Pride?
“Screw pride,” she croaked.
She heard the barn door open, heard footsteps down below, and she curled up into a ball, the crinoline under her dress scratching her legs. She buried her face in her arm, like a child. As if whoever had just walked into the barn wouldn’t be able to see her as long as she couldn’t see him.
Then she heard footsteps on the ladder rungs, the sound of calloused hands sliding over the metal. She knew who it was. Oh well. She had already embarrassed herself in front of him earlier. It was not like him seeing her sprawled in a tragic heap in a barn was any worse than her stamping her foot like a dramatic silent-film heroine.
“I thought I might find you here.”
She didn’t look up when she heard his voice. Instead, she curled into a tighter, even more resolute ball.
She felt him getting closer, which was ridiculous. She knew she couldn’t actually feel the heat radiating from his body.
“I got you that Pop-Tart cake,” he said. “I mean, I had Alison from Pie in the Sky make one. And I have to tell you, it looks disgusting. I mean, she did a great job, but I can’t imagine that it’s edible.”
She uncurled as a sudden spout of rage flooded through her and she pushed herself into a sitting position. “Fuck your Pop-Tart cake, Joshua.”
“I thought we both liked Pop-Tarts.”
“Yes. But I don’t like lies. And your Pop-Tarts would taste like lies.”
“Actually,” he said slowly, “I think the Pop-Tart cake is closer to the truth than anything I said to you back in the church. You said a lot of things that were true. I’m a coward, Danielle. And guilt is a hell of a lot easier than grief.”
“What the hell does that mean?” She drew her arm underneath her nose, wiping snot and tears away, tempted to ask him where his elfin princess was now. “Don’t tease me. Don’t talk in riddles. I’m ready to walk away from you if I need to, but I don’t want to do it. So please, don’t tempt me to hurt myself like that if you aren’t...”
“I love you,” he said, his voice rough. “And my saying so now isn’t because I was afraid you were a gold digger and you proved you weren’t by walking away. I realize what I’m about to say could be confused for that, but don’t be confused. Because loving you has nothing to do with that. If you need my money... I’ve never blamed you for going after it. I’ve never blamed you for wanting to make your and Riley’s lives easier. But the fact that you were willing to walk away from everything over three words... How can I pretend they aren’t important? How can I pretend that I don’t need your love when you demonstrated that you need my love more than financial security. More than sex. How can I doubt you and the strength of your feelings? How can I excuse my unwillingness to open myself up to you? My unwillingness to make myself bleed for you?”
He reached out, taking hold of her hands, down on his knees with her.
“You’re going to get your suit dirty,” she said inanely.
“Your dress is filthy,” he returned.
She looked down at the dirt and smudges on the beautiful white satin. “Crap.”
He took hold of her chin, tilting her face up to look at him. “I don’t care. It doesn’t matter. Because I would marry you in blue jeans, or I would marry you in this barn. I would sure as hell marry you in that dirty wedding dress. I... You are right about everything.
“It was easy to martyr myself over Shannon’s pain. To blame myself so I didn’t have to try again. So I didn’t have to hurt again. Old pain is easier. The pain from that time in my life isn’t gone, but it’s dull. It throbs sometimes. It aches. When I look at Riley, he reminds me of my son, who never took a breath, and it hurts down deep. But I know that if I were to lose either of you now... That would be fresh pain. A fresh hell. And I have some idea of what that hell would be like because of what I’ve been through before.
“But it would be worse now. And...I was protecting myself from it. But now, I don’t care about the pain, the fear. I want it all. I want you.
“I love you. Whatever might happen, whatever might come our way in the future... I love you. And I am going to do the hard fucking yards for you, Danielle.”
His expression was so fierce, his words so raw and real, all she could do was stare at him, listening as he said all the things she had never imagined she would hear.
“I was young and stupid the last time I tried love. Selfish. I made mistakes. I can’t take credit for everything that went wrong. Some of it was fate. Some of it was her choices. But when things get hard this time, you have my word I won’t pull away. I’m not going to let you shut me out. If you close the door on me, I’m going to kick it down. Because what we have is special. It’s real. It’s hope. And I will fight with everything I have to hold on to it.”
She lurched forward, wrapping her arms around his neck, making them both fall backward. “I’ll never shut you out.” She squeezed her eyes closed, tears tracking down her cheeks. “Finding you has been the best thing that’s ever happened to me. I don’t feel alone, Joshua. Can you possibly understand what that means to me?”
He nodded gravely, kissing her lips. “I do understand,” he said. “Because I’ve been alone in my own swamp for a long damned time. And you’re the first person who made me feel like it was worth it to wade out.”
“I love you,” she said.
“I love you too. Do you still want to marry me?”
“Hell yeah.”
“Good.” He maneuvered them both so they were upright, taking her hand and leading her to the ladder. They climbed down, and she hopped from foot to foot on the cold cement floor. “Come on,” he said, grabbing her hand and leading her through the open double doors.
She stopped when she saw that his whole family, Janine and Riley, and Pastor John were standing out there in the gravel.
Joshua’s mother was holding the bouquet of roses, and she reached out, handing it back to Danielle. Then Joshua went to Janine and took Riley from her arms, holding the baby in the crook of his own. Then Joshua went back to Danielle, taking both of her hands with his free one.
“I look bedraggled,” she said.
“You look perfect to me.”
She smiled, gazing at everyone, at her new family. At this new life she was going to have.
And then she looked back at the man she loved with all her heart. “Well,” she said, “okay, then. Marry me, cowboy.”