Nine
The biggest problem with this sudden change in plan was the fact that Joshua had deliberately set out to make his family dislike Danielle. And now he was marrying her for real.
Of course, the flaw in his original plan was that Danielle hadn’t been roundly hated by his family. They’d distrusted the whole situation, certainly, but his family was simply too fair, too nice to hate her.
Still, guilt clutched at him, and he knew he was going to have to do something to fix this. Which was why he found himself down at the Gray Bear Construction office rather than working from home. Because he knew Faith and Isaiah would be in, and he needed to have a talk with his siblings.
The office was a newly constructed building fashioned to look like a log cabin. It was down at the edge of town, by where Rona’s diner used to be, a former greasy spoon that had been transformed into a series of smaller, hipper shops that were more in line with the interests of Copper Ridge’s tourists.
It was a great office space with a prime view of the ocean, but still, Joshua typically preferred to work in the privacy of his own home, secluded in the mountains.
Isaiah did too, which was why it was notable that his brother was in the office today, but he’d had a meeting of some kind, so he’d put on a decent shirt and a pair of nice jeans and gotten his ass out of his hermitage.
Faith, being the bright, sharp creature she was, always came into the office, always dressed in some variation of her personal uniform. Black pants and a black top—a sweater today because of the chilly weather.
“What are you doing here?” Faith asked, her expression scrutinizing.
“I came here to talk to you,” he said.
“I’ll make coffee.” Joshua turned and saw Poppy standing there. Strange, he hadn’t noticed. But then, Poppy usually stayed in the background. He couldn’t remember running the business without her, but like useful office supplies, you really only noticed them when they didn’t work. And Poppy always worked.
“Thanks, Poppy,” Faith said.
Isaiah folded his arms over his chest and leaned back in his chair. “What’s up?”
“I’m getting married in two weeks.”
Faith made a scoffing sound. “To that child you’re dating?”
“She’s your age,” he said. “And yes. Just like I said I was.”
“Which begs the question,” Isaiah said. “Why are you telling us again?”
“Because. The first time I was lying. Dad put that ad in the paper trying to find a wife for me, and I selected Danielle in order to teach him a lesson. The joke’s on me it turns out.” Damn was it ever.
“Good God, Joshua. You’re such an ass,” Faith said, leaning against the wall, her arms folded, mirroring Isaiah’s stance. “I knew something was up, but of all the things I suspected, you tricking our mother and father was not one of them.”
“What did you suspect?”
“That you were thinking with your... Well. And now I’m back to that conclusion. Because why are you marrying her?”
“I care about her. And believe me when I say she’s had it rough.”
“You’ve slept with her?” This question came from Isaiah, and there was absolutely no tact in it. But then, Isaiah himself possessed absolutely no tact. Which was why he handled money and not people.
“Yes,” Joshua said.
“She must be good. But I’m not sure that’s going to convince either of us you’re thinking with your big brain.” His brother stood up, not unfolding his arms.
“Well, you’re an asshole,” Joshua returned. “The sex has nothing to do with it. I can get sex whenever I want.”
Faith made a hissing sound. He tossed his younger sister a glance. “You can stop hissing and settle down,” he said to her. “You were the one who brought sex into it, I’m just clarifying. You know what I went through with Shannon, what I put Shannon through. If I send Danielle and her baby back out into the world and something happens to them, I’ll never forgive myself.”
“Well, Joshua, that kind of implies you aren’t already living in a perpetual state of self-flagellation,” Faith said.
“Do you want to see if it can get worse?”
She shook her head. “No, but marrying some random woman you found through an ad seems like an extreme way to go about searching for atonement. Can’t you do some Hail Marys or something?”
“If it were that simple, I would have done it a long time ago.” He took a deep breath. “I’m not going to tell Mom and Dad the whole story. But I’m telling you because I need you to be nice about Danielle. However it looked when I brought her by to introduce her to the family...I threw her under the bus, and now I want to drag her back out from under it.”
Isaiah shook his head. “You’re a contrary son of a bitch.”
“Well, usually that’s your function. I figured it was my turn.”
The door to the office opened and in walked their business partner, Jonathan Bear, who ran the construction side of the firm. He looked around the room, clearly confused by the fact that they were all in residence. “Is there a meeting I didn’t know about?”
“Joshua is getting married,” Faith said, looking sullen.
“Congratulations,” Jonathan said, smiling, which was unusual for the other man, who was typically pretty taciturn. “I can highly recommend it.”
Jonathan had married the pastor’s daughter, Hayley Thompson, in a small ceremony recently.
In the past, Jonathan had walked around like he had his own personal storm cloud overhead, and since meeting Hayley, he had most definitely changed. Maybe there was something to that whole marriage thing. Maybe Joshua’s idea of atonement wasn’t as outrageous as it might have initially seemed.
“There,” Joshua said. “Jonathan recommends it. So you two can stop looking at me suspiciously.”
Jonathan shrugged and walked through the main area and into the back, toward his office, leaving Joshua alone with his siblings.
Faith tucked her hair behind her ear. “Honestly, whatever you need, whatever you want, I’ll help. But I don’t want you to get hurt.”
“And I appreciate that,” he said. “But the thing is, you can only get hurt if there’s love involved. I don’t love her.”
Faith looked wounded by that. “Then what’s the point? I’m not trying to argue. I just don’t understand.”
“Love is not the be-all and end-all, Faith. Sometimes just committing to taking care of somebody else is enough. I loved Shannon, but I still didn’t do the right thing for her. I’m older now. And I know what’s important. I’m going to keep Danielle safe. I’m going to keep Riley safe. What’s more important than that?” He shook his head. “I’m sure Shannon would have rather had that than any expression of love.”
“Fine,” she said. “I support you. I’m in.”
“So you aren’t going to be a persnickety brat?”
A small smile quirked her lips upward. “I didn’t say that. I said I would support you. But as a younger sister, I feel the need to remind you that being a persnickety brat is sometimes part of my support.”
He shot Isaiah a baleful look. “I suppose you’re still going to be an asshole?”
“Obviously.”
Joshua smiled then. Because that was the best he was going to get from his siblings. But it was a step toward making sure Danielle felt like she had a place in the family, rather than feeling like an outsider.
And if he wanted that with an intensity that wasn’t strictly normal or healthy, he would ignore that. He had never pretended to be normal or healthy. He wasn’t going to start now.
* * *
Danielle was getting fluttery waiting for Joshua to come home. The anticipation was a strange feeling. It had been a long time since she’d looked forward to someone coming home. She remembered being young, when it was hard to be alone. But she hadn’t exactly wished for her mother to come home, because she knew that when her mother arrived, she would be drunk. And Danielle would be tasked with managing her in some way.
That was the story of her life. Not being alone meant taking care of somebody. Being alone meant isolation, but at least she had time to herself.
But Joshua wasn’t like that. Being with him didn’t mean she had to manage him.
She thought of their time together in the barn, and the memory made her shiver. She had gone to bed in her own room last night, and he hadn’t made any move toward her since his proposal. She had a feeling his hesitation had something to do with her inexperience.
But she was ready for him again. Ready for more.
She shook her hands out, feeling jittery. And a little scared.
It was so easy to want him. To dream about him coming home, how she would embrace him, kiss him. And maybe even learn to cook, so she could make him dinner. Learn to do something other than warm up Pop-Tarts.
Although, he liked Pop-Tarts, and so did she.
Maybe they should have Pop-Tarts at their wedding. That was the kind of thing couples did. Incorporate the cute foundations of their relationships into their wedding ceremonies.
She made a small sound that was halfway between a whimper and a growl. She was getting loopy about him. About a guy. Which she had promised herself she would never do. But it was hard not to get loopy. He had offered her support, a family for Riley, a house to live in. He had become her lover, and then he had asked to become her husband.
And in those few short moments, her entire vision for the rest of her life had changed. It had become something so much warmer, so much more secure than she had ever imagined it could be. She just wasn’t strong enough to reject that vision.
Honestly, she didn’t know a woman who would be strong enough. Joshua was hot. And he was nice. Well, sometimes he was kind of a jerk, but mostly, at his core, he was nice and he had wonderful taste in breakfast food.
That seemed like as good a foundation for a marriage as any.
She heard the front door open and shut, and as it slammed, her heart lurched against her breastbone.
Joshua walked in looking so intensely handsome in a light blue button-up shirt, the sleeves pushed up his arms, that she wanted to swoon for the first time in her entire life.
“Do you think they can make a wedding cake out of Pop-Tarts?” She didn’t know why that was the first thing that came out of her mouth. Probably, it would have been better if she had said something about how she couldn’t wait to tear his clothes off.
But no. She had led with toaster pastry.
“I don’t know. But we’re getting married in two weeks, so if you can stack Pop-Tarts and call them a cake, I suppose it might save time and money.”
“I could probably do that. I promise that’s not all I thought about today, but for some reason it’s what came out of my mouth.”
“How about I keep your mouth busy for a while,” he said, his blue gaze getting sharp. He crossed the space between them, wrapping his arm around her waist and drawing her against him. And then he kissed her.
It was so deep, so warm, and she felt so...sheltered. Enveloped completely in his arms, in his strength. Who cared if she was lost in a fantasy right now? It would be the first time. She had never had the luxury of dreaming about men like him, or passion this intense.
It seemed right, only fair, that she have the fantasy. If only for a while. To have a moment where she actually dreamed about a wedding with cake. Where she fantasized about a man walking in the door and kissing her like this, wanting her like this.
“Is Janine here?” he asked, breaking the kiss just long enough to pose the question.
“No,” she said, barely managing to answer before he slammed his lips back down on hers.
Then she found herself being lifted and carried from the entryway into the living room, deposited on the couch. And somehow, as he set her down, he managed to raise her shirt up over her head.
She stared at him, dazed, while he divested himself of his own shirt. “You’re very good at this,” she said. “I assume you’ve had a lot of practice?”
He lifted an eyebrow, his hands going to his belt buckle. “Is this a conversation you want to have?”
She felt...bemused rather than jealous. “I don’t know. I’m just curious.”
“I got into a lot of trouble when I was a teenager. I think I mentioned the incident with my virginity in the woods.”
She nodded. “You did. And since I lost my virginity in a barn, I suppose I have to reserve judgment.”
“Probably. Then I moved to Seattle. And I was even worse, because suddenly I was surrounded by women I hadn’t known my whole life.”
Danielle nodded gravely. “I can see how that would be an issue.”
He smiled. Then finished undoing his belt, button and zipper before shoving his pants down to the floor. He stood in front of her naked, aroused and beautiful.
“Then I got myself into a long-term relationship, and it turns out I’m good at that. Well, at the being faithful part.”
“That’s a relief.”
“In terms of promiscuity, though, my behavior has been somewhat appalling for the past five years. I have picked up a particular set of skills.”
She wrinkled her nose. “I suppose that’s something.”
“You asked.”
She straightened. “And I wanted to know.”
He reached behind her back, undoing her bra, pulling it off and throwing it somewhere behind him. “Well, now you do.” He pressed his hands against the back of the couch, bracketing her in. “You still want to marry me?”
“I had a very tempting proposal from the UPS man today. He asked me to sign for a package. So I guess you could say it’s getting kind of serious.”
“I don’t think the UPS man makes you feel like this.” He captured her mouth with his, and she found herself being pressed into the cushions, sliding to the side, until he’d maneuvered her so they were both lying flat on the couch.
He wrapped his fingers around her wrists, lifting them up over her head as he bent to kiss her neck, her collarbone, to draw one nipple inside his mouth.
She bucked against him, and he shifted, pushing his hand beneath her jeans, under the fabric of her panties, discovering just how wet and ready she was for him.
She rolled her hips upward, moving in time with the rhythm of his strokes, lights beginning to flash behind her eyelids, orgasm barreling down on her at an embarrassingly quick rate.
Danielle sucked in a deep breath, trying her best to hold her climax at bay. Because how embarrassing would it be to come from a kiss? A brief bit of attention to her breast and a quick stroke between the legs?
But then she opened her eyes and met his gaze. His lips curved into a wicked smile as he turned his wrist, sliding one finger deep inside her as he flicked his thumb over her clit.
All she could do then was hold on tight and ride out the explosion. He never looked away from her, and as much as she wanted to, she couldn’t look away from him.
It felt too intense, too raw and much too intimate.
But she was trapped in it, drowning in it, and there was nothing she could do to stop it. She just had to surrender.
While she was still recovering from her orgasm, Joshua made quick work of her jeans, flinging them in the same direction her bra had gone.
Then, still looking right at her, he stroked her, over the thin fabric of her panties, the tease against her overly sensitized skin almost too much to handle.
Then he traced the edge of the fabric at the crease of her thigh, dipping one finger beneath her underwear, touching slick flesh.
He hooked his finger around the fabric, pulling her panties off and casting them aside. And here she was, just as she’d been the first time, completely open and vulnerable to him. At his mercy.
It wasn’t as though she didn’t want that. There was something wonderful about it. Something incredible about the way he lavished attention on her, about being his sole focus.
But she wanted more. She wanted to be... She wanted to be equal to him in some way.
He was practiced. And he had skill. He’d had a lot of lovers. Realistically, she imagined he didn’t even know exactly how many.
She didn’t have skill. She hadn’t been tutored in the art of love by anyone. But she wanted.
If desire could equal skill, then she could rival any woman he’d ever been with. Because the depth of her need, the depth of her passion, reached places inside her she hadn’t known existed.
She pressed her hands down on the couch cushions, launching herself into a sitting position. His eyes widened, and she reveled in the fact that she had surprised him. She reached out, resting one palm against his chest, luxuriating in the feel of all that heat, that muscle, that masculine hair that tickled her sensitive skin.
“Danielle,” he said, his tone filled with warning.
She didn’t care about his warnings.
She was going to marry this man. He was going to be her husband. That thought filled her with such a strange sense of elation.
He had all the power. He had the money. He had the beautiful house. What he was giving her...it bordered on charity. If she was ever going to feel like she belonged—like this place was really hers—they needed to be equals in some regard.
She had to give him something too.
And if it started here, then it started here.
She leaned in, cautiously tasting his neck, tracing a line down to his nipple. He jerked beneath her touch, his reaction satisfying her in a way that went well beyond the physical.
He was beautiful, and she reveled in the chance to explore him. To run her fingertips over each well-defined muscle. Over his abs and the hard cut inward just below his hip bone.
But she didn’t stop there. No, she wasn’t even remotely finished with him.
He had made her shake. He had made her tremble. He had made her lose her mind.
And she was going to return the favor.
She took a deep breath and kissed his stomach. Just one easy thing before she moved on to what she wanted, even though it scared her.
She lifted her head, meeting his gaze as she wrapped her fingers around his cock and squeezed. His eyes glittered like ice on fire, and he said nothing. He just sat there, his jaw held tight, his expression one of absolute concentration.
Then she looked away from his face, bringing her attention to that most masculine part of him. She was hungry for him. There was no other word for it.
She was starving for a taste.
And that hunger overtook everything else.
She flicked her tongue out and tasted him, his skin salty and hot. But the true eroticism was in his response. His head fell back, his breath hissing sharply through his teeth. And he reached out, pressing his hand to her back, spreading his fingers wide at the center of her shoulder blades.
Maybe she didn’t have skill. Maybe she didn’t know what she was doing. But he liked it. And that made her feel powerful. It made her feel needed.
She slid her hand down his shaft, gripping the base before taking him more deeply into her mouth. His groan sounded torn from him, wild and untamed, and she loved it.
Because Joshua was all about control. Had been from the moment she’d first met him.
That was what all this was, after all. From the ad in the paper to his marriage proposal—all of it was him trying to bend the situation to his will. To bend those around him to his will, to make them see he was right, that his way was the best way.
But right now he was losing control. He was at her mercy. Shaking. Because of her.
And even though she was the one pleasuring him, she felt an immense sense of satisfaction flood her as she continued to taste him. As she continued to make him tremble.
He needed her. He wanted her. After a lifetime of feeling like nobody wanted her at all, this was the most brilliant and beautiful thing she could ever imagine.
She’d heard her friends talk about giving guys blow jobs before. They laughed about it. Or said it was gross. Or said it was a great way to control their boyfriends.
They hadn’t said what an incredible thing it was to make a big, strong alpha male sweat and shake. They hadn’t said it could make you feel so desired, so beloved. Or that giving someone else pleasure was even better—in some ways—than being on the receiving end of the attention.
She swallowed more of him, and his hand jerked up to her hair, tugging her head back. “Careful,” he said, his tone hard and thin.
“Why?”
“You keep doing that and I’m going to come,” he said, not bothering to sugarcoat it.
“So what? When you did it for me, that’s what I did.”
“Yes. But you’re a woman. And you can have as many orgasms as I can give you without time off in between. I don’t want it to end like this.”
She was about to protest, but then he pulled her forward, kissing her hard and deep, stealing not just her ability to speak, but her ability to think of words.
He left her for a moment, retrieving his wallet and the protection in it, making quick work of putting the condom on before he laid her back down on the couch.
“Wait,” she said, the word husky, rough. “I want... Can I be on top?”
He drew back, arching one brow. “Since you asked so nicely.”
He gripped her hips, reversing their position, bringing her to sit astride him. He was hard beneath her, and she shifted back and forth experimentally, rubbing her slick folds over him before positioning him at the entrance of her body.
She bit her lip, lowering herself onto him, taking it slow, relishing that moment of him filling her so utterly and completely.
“I don’t know what I’m doing,” she whispered when he was buried fully inside of her.
He reached up, brushing his fingertips over her cheek before lowering his hand to grip both her hips tightly, lift her, then impale her on his hard length again.
“Just do what feels good,” he ground out, the words strained.
She rocked her hips, then lifted herself slightly before taking him inside again. She repeated the motion. Again and again. Finding the speed and rhythm that made him gasp and made her moan. Finding just the right angle, just the right pressure, to please them both.
Pleasure began to ripple through her, the now somewhat familiar pressure of impending orgasm building inside her. She rolled her hips, making contact right where she needed it. He grabbed her chin, drawing her head down to kiss her. Deep, wet.
And that was it. She was done.
Pleasure burst behind her eyes, her internal muscles gripping him tight as her orgasm rocked her.
She found herself being rolled onto her back and Joshua began to pound into her, chasing his own release with a raw ferocity that made her whole body feel like it was on fire with passion.
He was undone. Completely. Because of her.
He growled, reaching beneath her to cup her ass, drawing her hard against him, forcing her to meet his every thrust. And that was when he proved himself right. She really could come as many times as he could make her.
She lost it then, shaking and shivering as her second orgasm overtook her already sensitized body.
He lowered his head, his teeth scraping against her collarbone as he froze against her, finding his own release.
He lay against her for a moment, his face buried in her neck, and she sifted her fingers through his hair, a small smile touching her lips as ripples of lingering pleasure continued to fan out through her body.
He looked at her, then brushed his lips gently over hers. She found herself being lifted up, cradled against his chest as he carried her from the couch to the stairs.
“Time for bed,” he said, the words husky and rough.
She reached up and touched his face. “Okay.”
He carried her to his room, laid her down on the expansive mattress, the blanket decadent and soft beneath her bare skin.
This would be their room. A room they would share.
For some reason, that thought made tears sting her eyes. She had spent so long being alone that the idea of so much closeness was almost overwhelming. But no matter what, she wanted it.
Wanted it so badly it was like a physical hunger.
Joshua joined her on the bed and she was overwhelmed by the urge to simply fold herself into his embrace. To enjoy the closeness.
But then he was naked. And so was she. So the desire for closeness fought with her desire to play with him a little more.
He pressed his hand against her lower back, then slid it down to her butt, squeezing tight. And he smiled.
Something intense and sharp filled her chest. It was almost painful.
Happiness, she realized. She was happy.
She knew in that moment that she never really had been happy before. At least, not without an equally weighty worry to balance it. To warn her that on the other side of the happiness could easily lie tragedy.
But she wasn’t thinking of tragedy now. She couldn’t.
Joshua filled her vision, and he filled her brain, and for now—just for now—everything in her world felt right.
For a while, she wanted that to be the whole story.
So she blocked out every other thought, every single what-if, and she kissed him again.
* * *
When Joshua woke up, the bedroom was dark. There was a woman wrapped around him. And he wasn’t entirely sure what had pulled him out of his deep slumber.
Danielle was sleeping peacefully. Her dark hair was wrapped around her face like a spiderweb, and he reached down to push it back. She flinched, pursing her lips and shifting against him, tightening her arms around his waist.
She was exhausted. Probably because he was an animal who had taken her three, maybe four times before they’d finally both fallen asleep.
He looked at her, and the hunger was immediate. Visceral. And he wondered if he was fooling himself pretending, even for a moment, that any of this was for her.
That he had any kind of higher purpose.
He wondered if he had any purpose at all beyond trying to satisfy himself with her.
And then he realized what had woken him up.
He heard a high, keening cry that barely filtered through the open bedroom door. Riley.
He looked down at Danielle, who was still fast asleep, and who would no doubt be upset that they had forgotten to bring the baby monitor into the room. Joshua had barely been able to remember his own name, much less a baby monitor.
He extricated himself from her hold, scrubbing his hand over his face. Then he walked over to his closet, grabbing a pair of jeans and pulling them on with nothing underneath.
He had no idea what in the hell to do with the baby. But Danielle was exhausted, because of him, and he didn’t want to wake her up.
The cries got louder as he made his way down the hall, and he walked into the room to see flailing movement coming from the crib. The baby was very unhappy, whatever the reason.
Joshua walked across the room and stood above the crib, looking down. If he was going to marry Danielle, then that meant Riley was his responsibility too.
Riley would be his son.
Something prickled at the back of his throat, making it tight. So much had happened after Shannon lost the baby that he didn’t tend to think too much about what might have been. But it was impossible not to think about it right now.
His son would have been five.
He swallowed hard, trying to combat the rising tide of emotion in his chest. That emotion was why he avoided contact with Riley. Joshua wasn’t so out of touch with his feelings that he didn’t know that.
But his son wasn’t here. He’d never had the chance to be born.
Riley was here.
And Joshua could be there for him.
He reached down, placing his hand on the baby’s chest. His little body started, but he stopped crying.
Joshua didn’t know the first thing about babies. He’d never had to learn. He’d never had the chance to hold his son. Never gone through a sleepless night because of crying.
He reached down, picking up the small boy from his crib, holding the baby close to his chest and supporting Riley’s downy head.
There weren’t very many situations in life that caused Joshua to doubt himself. Mostly because he took great care to ensure he was only ever in situations where he had the utmost control.
But holding this tiny creature in his arms made him feel at a loss. Made him feel like his strength might be a liability rather than an asset. Because at the moment, he felt like this little boy could be far too easily broken. Like he might crush the baby somehow.
Either with his hands or with his inadequacy.
Though, he supposed that was the good thing about babies. Right now, Riley didn’t seem to need him to be perfect. He just needed Joshua to be there. Being there he could handle.
He made his way to the rocking chair in the corner and sat down, pressing Riley to his chest as he rocked back and forth.
“You might be hungry,” Joshua said, keeping his voice soft. “I didn’t ask.”
Riley turned his head back and forth, leaving a small trail of drool behind on Joshua’s skin. He had a feeling if his brother could see him now, he would mock him mercilessly. But then, he couldn’t imagine Isaiah with a baby at all. Devlin, yes. But only since he had married Mia. She had changed Devlin completely. Made him more relaxed. Made him a better man.
Joshua thought of Danielle, sleeping soundly back in his room. Of just how insatiable he’d been for her earlier. Of how utterly trapped she was, and more or less at his mercy.
He had to wonder if there was any way she could make him a better man, all things considered.
Though, he supposed he’d kind of started to become a better man already. Since he had taken her on. And Riley.
He had to be the man who could take care of them, if he was so intent on fixing things.
Maybe they can fix you too.
Even though there was no one in the room but the baby, Joshua shook his head. That wasn’t a fair thing to put on either of them.
“Joshua?”
He looked up and saw Danielle standing in the doorway. She was wearing one of his T-shirts, the hem falling to the top of her thighs. He couldn’t see her expression in the darkened room.
“Over here.”
“Are you holding Riley?” She moved deeper into the room and stopped in front of him, the moonlight streaming through the window shadowing one side of her face. With her long, dark hair hanging loose around her shoulders, and that silver light casting her in a glow, she looked ethereal. He wondered how he had ever thought she was pitiful. How he had ever imagined she wasn’t beautiful.
“He was crying,” he responded.
“I can take him.”
He shook his head, for some reason reluctant to give him up. “That’s okay.”
A smile curved her lips. “Okay. I can make him a bottle.”
He nodded, moving his hand up and down on the baby’s back. “Okay.”
Danielle rummaged around for a moment and then went across the room to the changing station, where he assumed she kept the bottle-making supplies. Warmers and filtered water and all of that. He didn’t know much about it, only that he had arranged to have it all delivered to the house to make things easier for her.
She returned a moment later, bottle in hand. She tilted it upside down and tested it on the inside of her wrist. “It’s all good. Do you want to give it to him?”
He nodded slowly and reached up. “Sure.”
He shifted his hold on Riley, repositioning him in the crook of his arm so he could offer him the bottle.
“Do you have a lot of experience with babies?”
“None,” he said.
“You could have fooled me. Although, I didn’t really have any experience with babies until Riley was born. I didn’t figure I would ever have experience with them.”
“No?”
She shook her head. “No. I was never going to get married, Joshua. I knew all about men, you see. My mother got pregnant with me when she was fourteen. Needless to say, things didn’t get off to the best start. I never knew my father. My upbringing was...unstable. My mother just wasn’t ready to have a baby, and honestly, I don’t know how she could have been. She didn’t have a good home life, and she was so young. I think she wanted to keep me, wanted to do the right thing—it was just hard. She was always looking for something else. Looking for love.”
“Not in the right places, I assume.”
She bit her lip. “No. To say the least. She had a lot of boyfriends, and we lived with some of them. Sometimes that was better. Sometimes they were more established than us and had better homes. The older I got, the less like a mom my mom seemed. I started to really understand how young she was. When she would get her heart broken, I comforted her more like a friend than like a daughter. When she would go out and get drunk, I would put her to bed like I was the parent.” Danielle took a deep breath. “I just didn’t want that for myself. I didn’t want to depend on anybody, or have anyone depend on me. I didn’t want to pin my hopes on someone else. And I never saw a relationship that looked like anything else when I was growing up.”
“But here you are,” he said, his chest feeling tight. “And you’re marrying me.”
“I don’t know if you can possibly understand what this is like,” she said, laughing, a kind of shaky nervous sound. “Having this idea of what your life will be and just...changing that. I was so certain about what I would have, and what I wouldn’t have. I would never get married. I would never have children. I would never have...a beautiful house or a yard.” Her words got thick, her throat sounding tight. “Then there was Riley. And then there was your ad. And then there was you. And suddenly everything I want is different, everything I expect is different. I actually hope for things. It’s kind of a miracle.”
He wanted to tell her that he wasn’t a miracle. That whatever she expected from him, he was sure to disappoint her in some way. But what she was describing was too close to his own truth.
He had written off having a wife. He had written off having children. That was the whole part of being human he’d decided wasn’t for him. And yet here he was, feeding a baby at three in the morning staring at a woman who had just come from his bed. A woman who was wearing his ring.
The way Joshua needed it, the way he wanted to cling to his new reality, to make sure that it was real and that it would last, shocked him with its ferocity.
A moment later, he heard a strange sucking sound and realized the bottle was empty.
“Am I supposed to burp him?”
Danielle laughed. “Yes. But I’ll do that.”
“I’m not helpless.”
“He’s probably going to spit up on your hot and sexy chest. Better to have him do it on your T-shirt.” She reached out. “I got this.”
She took Riley from him and he sat back and admired the expert way she handled the little boy. She rocked him over her shoulder, patting his back lightly until he made a sound that most definitely suggested he had spit up on the T-shirt she was wearing.
Joshua had found her to be such a strange creature when he had first seen her. Brittle and pointed. Fragile.
But she was made of iron. He could see that now.
No one had been there to raise her, not really. And then she had stepped in to make sure that her half brother was taken care of. Had upended every plan she’d made for her life and decided to become a mother at twenty-two.
“What?” she asked, and he realized he had been sitting there staring at her.
“You’re an amazing woman, Danielle Kelly. And if no one’s ever told you that, it’s about time someone did.”
She was so bright, so beautiful, so fearless.
All this time she had been a burning flame no one had taken the time to look at. But she had come to him, answered his ad and started a wildfire in his life.
It didn’t seem fair, the way the world saw each of them. He was a celebrated businessman, and she... Well, hadn’t he chosen her because he knew his family would simply see her as a poor, unwed mother?
She was worth ten of him.
She blinked rapidly and wasn’t quite able to stop a tear from tracking down her cheek. “Why...why do you think that?”
“Not very many people would have done what you did. Taking your brother. Not after everything your mother already put you through. Not after spending your whole life taking care of the one person who should have been taking care of you. And then you came here and answered my ad.”
“Some people might argue that the last part was taking the easy way out.”
“Right. Except that I could have been a serial killer.”
“Or made me dress like a teddy bear,” she said, keeping her tone completely serious. “I actually feel like that last one is more likely.”
“Do you?”
“There are more furries than there are serial killers, thank God.”
“I guess, lucky for you, I’m neither one.” He wasn’t sure he was the great hope she seemed to think he was. But right now, he wanted to be.
“Very lucky for me,” she said. “Oh...Joshua, imagine if someone were both.”
“I’d rather not.”
She went to the changing table and quickly set about getting Riley a new diaper before placing him back in the crib. Then she straightened and hesitated. “I guess I could... I can just stay in here. Or...”
“Get the baby monitor,” he said. “You’re coming back to my bed.”
She smiled, and she did just that.
* * *
The next day there were wedding dresses in Danielle’s room. Not just a couple of wedding dresses. At least ten, all in her size.
She turned in a circle, looking at all of the garment bags with heavy white satin, beads and chiffon showing through.
Joshua walked into the room behind her, his arms folded over his chest. She raised her eyebrows, gesturing wildly at the dresses. “What is this?”
“We are getting married in less than two weeks. You need a dress.”
“A fancy dress to eat my Pop-Tart cake in,” she said, moving to a joke because if she didn’t she might cry. Because the man had ordered wedding dresses and brought them into the house.
And because if she were normal, she might have friends to share this occasion with her. Or her mother. Instead, she was standing in her bedroom, where her baby was napping, and her fiancé was the only potential spectator.
“You aren’t supposed to see the dresses, though,” she said.
“I promise you I cannot make any sense out of them based on how they look stuffed into those bags. I called the bridal store in town and described your figure and had her send dresses accordingly.”
Her eyes flew wide, her mouth dropping open. “You described my figure?”
“To give her an idea of what would suit you.”
“I’m going to need a play-by-play of this description. How did you describe my figure, Joshua? This is very important.”
“Elfin,” he said, surprising her because he didn’t seem to be joking. And that was a downright fanciful description coming from him.
“Elfin?”
A smile tipped his lips upward. “Yes. You’re like an elf. Or a nymph.”
“Nympho, maybe. And I blame you for that.”
He reached out then, hooking his arm around her waist and drawing her toward him. “Danielle, I am serious.”
She swallowed hard. “Okay,” she said, because she didn’t really know what else to say.
“You’re beautiful.”
Hearing him say that made her throat feel all dry and scratchy, made her eyes feel like they were burning. “You don’t have to do that,” she said.
“You think I’m lying? Why would I lie about that? Also, men can’t fake this.” He grabbed her hand and pressed it up against the front of his jeans, against the hardness there.
“You’re asking me to believe your penis? Because penises are notoriously indiscriminate.”
“You have a point. Plus, mine is pretty damn famously indiscriminate. By my own admission. But the one good thing about that is you can trust I know the difference between generalized lust and when a woman has reached down inside of me and grabbed hold of something I didn’t even know was there. I told you, I like it easy. I told you...I don’t deal with difficult situations or difficult people. That was my past failing. A huge failing, and I don’t know if I’m ever going to forgive myself for it. But what we have here makes me feel like maybe I can make up for it.”
There were a lot of nice words in there. A lot of beautiful sentiments tangled up in something that made her feel, well, kind of gross.
But he was looking at her with all that intensity, and there were wedding dresses hung up all around her, his ring glittering on her finger. And she just didn’t want to examine the bad feelings. She was so tired of bad feelings.
Joshua—all of this—was like a fantasy. She wanted to live in the fantasy for as long as she could.
Was that wrong? After everything she had been through, she couldn’t believe that it was.
“Well, get your penis out of here. The rest of you too. I’m going to try on dresses.”
“I don’t get to watch?”
“I grant you nothing about our relationship has been typical so far, but I would like to surprise you with my dress choice.”
“That’s fair. Why don’t you let me take Riley for a while?”
“Janine is going to be here soon.”
He shrugged. “I’ll take him until then.” He strode across the room and picked Riley up, and Riley flashed a small, gummy smile that might have been nothing more than a facial twitch but still made Danielle’s heart do something fluttery and funny.
Joshua’s confidence with Riley was increasing, and he made a massive effort to be proactive when it came to taking care of the baby.
Watching Joshua stand there with Riley banished any lingering gross feelings about being considered difficult, and when Joshua left the room and Danielle turned to face the array of gowns, she pushed every last one of her doubts to the side.
Maybe Joshua wasn’t perfect. Maybe there were some issues. But all of this, with him, was a damn sight better than anything she’d had before.
And a girl like her couldn’t afford to be too picky.
She took a deep breath and unzipped the first dress.