Returning from the ladies room at Après Diem there’s a bulletin board to my right that gives me a way to stall, so I pause. The only posters here are of local bands announcing shows at Terminal West and Eddie’s Attic. These have the same style I’ve seen musicians use for years, but after meeting Gabriel and seeing what a real backstage looks like, they have more weight to me now. I can see the marketing behind the art. The mood they’re trying to convey. And of course I wish I were looking at his face.

He hasn’t called.

Not that he would.

Compacting the pain of my brother abandoning me, and Shelby not treating me the same as she used to, is the knowledge that Gabriel is on tour in all those amazing cities with Olivia in his bed.

My heart is ruptured.

And I’m leaning on Ben.

He’s so grounded. Solid. Kind.

Here.

Forcing my feet to walk through the dark restaurant, the pastry display on my right, I see him at the bar patiently waiting. His profile is so familiar after we went through that intense night rescuing Shelby’s money together. Heightened circumstances always bond people, but other than that feeling, my heart doesn’t pump for him. Maybe it will in time.

“Hi, sorry, there was a line.”

“Your crab cakes are getting cold,” he smiles pushing the plate closer.

“You could have started without me,” I smile back, picking up a fork. “These look delicious.”

Ben adjusts his long legs and our knees touch. My fork freezes a moment before I drop it and carve out a small bite. I can sense that he wants to touch my hand, but since I’ve given him no sign I want him to, he’s waiting.

Chewing in silence I blink at the memory of Gabriel pulling me out of Rays on The River and how good it felt when our fingers came together.

“This is yummy. Want some?”

“Sure.” He takes a larger bite. “Mmm.”

“Good, right?” We eat in silence for a bit and then I say, “Thank you for not bringing Bobby up.”

“Figured you’d talk about him if you wanted to. How’s Shelby?”

“Not good,” I sigh meeting his eyes. “She shows up to work seconds before her classes and leaves as soon as they’re over.”

“That's rough. Have you tried talking to her?” I give him a look like that is a stupid question and he chuckles. “Sorry.”

“I told her when she wants me I’m here. She didn’t answer and I’m so sick of fighting stubborn people. I’ve decided that I have to take care of myself for once. Let’s talk about something else. You have any brothers or sisters?”

Leaving the last bite of crab cake for me, he takes a gulp from his beer. “Only child. My parents tried but it turns out that when you hit perfection, God stops there.”

Laughing, “Wow!” I finish off the food and smile, “Now I can see the relation!”

His sexy grin flickers at my bringing up Gabriel. To the bartender he calls over, “Can we get some french fries? Thanks.”

I want so badly to ask about his cousin.

Have they talked?

Has Gabriel asked about me?

“So, um, are you close with your parents?”

“Yeah, they’re the best. My Dad’s like me, quiet. Mom was a travel writer, saw a lot of the world. She used to live in New York City.”

“Oh yeah?”

“Yup, city girl in a country home,” he laughs with love in his eyes. “My dad’s that good.”

Laughing I hit his arm, “Don’t talk about your parents’ sex life like that!”

“Why not? Have you seen my family? Bunch of horny motherfuckers.”

Cracking up, I shake my head, “I can’t even imagine my parents doing it. No, scratch that. I don’t want to! So gross.”

Ben shrugs, “Sex is amazing. Everyone should be doing it.”

My grin changes as he looks at me without hiding that he’s thinking of us getting together. He’s gorgeous, but it feels wrong to even think of it. I don’t know if he is aware that I’ve already been with his cousin. He probably thinks I haven’t, that I would not be the type who’d let that happen in the limo like I did.

Let it happen.

Who am I kidding.

I asked for it.

Begged.

God, I wish Gabriel was…

Raking my hair out of my face I stutter, “I, uh, haven’t seen your whole family, by the way. So I have nothing to go on, but I’ll take your word for it.”

Ben smirks, “There are seventeen cousins in all, from six brothers. So that gives you a clue. It’s in the genes. My grandfather was a stud.”

“Oh he was, was he?”

“Definitely.”

He holds my eyes until I become nervous again. “Are you the only one who doesn’t have siblings?”

The french fries get placed in front of us and Ben asks for mustard. “My cousin Sofia Sol is an only child. We were born within months of each other, too, which is a weird coincidence since we’re the only ones without brothers and sisters.”

“Is she like you?”

Ben’s eyebrows rise as he pictures her. “She is like nobody you will ever meet. Fearless. Fucking intense as hell. Independent in every way you could think of…except maybe when it comes to…Thank you.” He takes the mustard from the bartender and doesn’t finish his sentence.

“Except when it comes to what?” I smile, leaning forward and dying of curiosity. “I want to hear about the one thing she cares about.”

Ben locks eyes with me. “Her family.”

Leaning back my smile fades. “I know how she feels.”

He nods. “Still don’t want to talk about Bobby?”

“Definitely not,” I mutter, scooping up french fries. “But I like hearing about you guys. Tell me more.”

The rest of the dinner we spend with him sharing stories about his cousins, but Gabriel and his twin are left out in a pretty conspicuous way. I have a hard time believing they weren’t there with everyone else at the ranch where most of Ben’s memories take place. Finally I can’t take it anymore.

“Where was Gabriel in all this?” His emerald eyes darken and he inhales like hearing the name is hard for him. “Aren’t you guys close?”

“Yes,” he admits, turning his beer bottle in circles as he stares at it. “But Elijah and Gabriel kept to themselves a little. Plus they were younger. The older cousins spent more time hanging out so we’re closer. Just happened that way.”

“Because they were twins, you think?” I’m dying to know more. The other stories were great but I can’t deny that it’s really Gabriel I’ve been longing to learn about. What am I, a masochist?

Ben shrugs, “Yeah, but we’re still all close.” He clears his throat, and looks at the bartender. “Can we get the check?”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable.”

He smiles, drinks the last of his beer and lies through his perfect, white teeth. “You didn’t.”

Okay.

Huh.

Guess it’s time to drop that subject.