The door swings open and, of course, it’s Jaden who’s there on the other side of the threshold to greet me. He smiles as though he’s relieved I’ve actually turned up. Still wearing his black jeans and T-shirt, the only thing that’s different about him is his hair. It’s flattened at the top now and it falls over his forehead. “Nice jeans,” he comments, giving them a single nod.
Self-consciously, I run my fingers over the skin of my thigh that’s exposed through the ripped, frayed edges of the denim. My anxious gaze falls to Jaden’s own jeans, torn at the knees. “That’s a coincidence.”
“Or you did it on purpose because you’re copying my style,” he teases. Then, he cracks a smile and takes a step back from the door, ushering me inside. “Come on in.”
I keep my head down as I brush past him. I kick off my shoes and tuck them to one side, feeling slightly out of my comfort zone.
The house radiates warmth, just as all grandparents’ houses should, with the hall lights dimmed low and a row of candles flickering from a shelf along the wall. The rich scent of cinnamon that fills the air is so delicious that I inhale deeply, taking a moment to appreciate it. I can hear the TV too, echoing from the back of the house.
“Granddad has been asking if you let him win earlier,” Jaden says. “Can you do me a favor and reassure him that, actually, you suck at bowling and just got lucky, and that he’s definitely the champ?”
I feign a dramatic gasp. “Are you asking me to lie, Jaden?”
“Only for a good cause,” he says, grinning over his shoulder at me as he walks down the hall toward the sound of the TV, and I quickly follow. He pushes open the door to the kitchen and as we step into the room he says, “Kenzie’s here.”
The kitchen smells of barbecue and grease and Nancy is by the sink with water up to her elbows as she washes up the dishes. Terry sits at the table with his hands wrapped around a steaming mug of coffee and his eyes on the small flat-screen TV that’s mounted on the wall. When we enter, they both crane their necks to look at us.
“Hello, Kenzie!” Beaming at me, Nancy swipes the towel off the counter and dries off her hands as she walks across the small kitchen toward us. She proceeds to take off her glasses, wipes them with the hem of her apron, and then sets them back on the bridge of her thin nose.
“Hi, Nancy,” I say, mirroring her welcoming, friendly smile. I saw enough of Nancy and Terry during our game of bowling to decide that I like them both.
“Kenzie,” Terry says. He leans forward, props his elbows up onto the table, then purses his lips. “Did you let me win earlier? I don’t trust these two.” He flippantly waves his hand at Nancy and Jaden.
“Did I let you win?” I echo, widening my eyes at the accusation although he’s exactly right. I can tell it’s important to Terry and the competitive streak he possesses, so I quickly shake my head. “I tried my best on that last turn. It’s a shame my luck ran out, otherwise I may have just beat you. I usually don’t play that well,” I lie, then exchange a sideways glance with Jaden. I can’t bear the sight of his sparkling eyes for more than a fraction of a second, so I avert my gaze back to Terry and add, “That’s why they keep me behind the counter!”
Terry smiles with vague smugness and then leans back again in the kitchen chair, reaching for his coffee and focusing his attention back on the TV. He’s watching some cooking show.
“We’re gonna head upstairs,” Jaden says while carefully edging his way around Nancy. He heads to the refrigerator, pulls open the door, and quickly grabs two cans of soda. “Just yell if you need me.”
“Alrighty!” Nancy grins and reaches up to pat Jaden’s shoulder, though her eyes are on me as she does. I nod back as a small goodbye, then follow Jaden out of the kitchen and back out into hall, where the blissful scent of cinnamon hits me all over again.
“Thanks. Again,” Jaden says with a laugh as he glances over his shoulder at me while we’re ascending the staircase. “Maybe Granddad will actually stop talking about that game of bowling now. I swear, I take them out one time—one time— and suddenly he’s like a five-year-old tripping on a sugar rush.”
At the top of the stairs, there’s a bathroom in the center directly in front of us, and then two doors either side. Jaden steps toward the door on the right, which I’m assuming is his room, but then he lingers for a second and I realize that, actually, it’s not his. He frowns and then, with a can of Pepsi still in his hand, he taps his knuckles against the door. “Dani?”
“What?” Danielle immediately snaps back. I can sense her irritation from all the way over here on the other side of the door.
Although no permission to enter has been given, Jaden cracks the door open a few inches and peers around the frame. “Kenzie’s here,” he says quietly. Before he gets a reply, he swings the door open fully to reveal us both.
The first thing I think as I look around the room is that it’s a hell of a mess. There’re clothes scattered all over the floor, thrown carelessly around with no apparent attempt to organize them. The dresser is littered with used makeup wipes and empty cans of Sprite, and there’s a bunch of textbooks stacked haphazardly on the chair. In her old room, Dani had posters of Zac Efron all over the walls. There are no posters in this room, only her schedule for her classes taped to the wall by the window, though it’s torn around the edges.
On the double bed pushed against the wall, Dani is sitting cross-legged and hunched over a set of notes. She looks at us from beneath her eyelashes, barely bothering to lift her head. She’s wearing a black tank top and gray sweatpants with her dark hair thrown into a high ponytail. Her intense gaze rests on me for what feels like forever until finally her eyes flicker back to Jaden.
“Why?” she asks with a hint of suspicion. I gather from her attitude that she had no idea I was coming over.
A sigh escapes Jaden’s lips. “Because I invited her.”
“We’re just . . . hanging out,” I quietly add. At least I think that’s what we’re doing. I’m not sure exactly. I’ve yet to figure out where all of this is going and if I’m hoping to gain anything more than forgiveness. Maybe tonight I’ll find out.
“Yeah,” Dani says, “but why? Why now?” She places her pen between her teeth and cocks her head to one side, awaiting an answer. I feel like she’s interrogating me. And honestly, I don’t know what to say to her, because I really don’t know why I have waited twelve months to do this. Made uncomfortable by her scrutiny, I stare at the Spanish textbook that’s in front of her and keep quiet. Just last night, I was certain she smiled at me. I thought she was warming to me again, but apparently not.
“Goodnight, Dani,” Jaden says firmly through gritted teeth, his voice raised. He fixes her with a look of both disappointment and anger, then nudges me out of the room, closing the door rather loudly behind him. “Sorry about her,” he murmurs, frowning. For a moment, he appears exasperated, but then that warm, crooked smile of his returns. “By the way, here.” Extending his arm, he passes me a can of Diet Pepsi. I take it from him, careful not to brush my fingers against his again after already grasping his hands earlier at The Summit. I’m pretty sure it took at least ten minutes for the color to fade from my cheeks, and although I enjoyed it, I’m not sure how Jaden felt about it. Maybe he only wants us to be friends again and nothing more than that.
“Thanks.”
He pushes open the door to his room, allowing me to enter before closing it again behind us with a soft click. “It’s a little smaller than before,” he says. He lingers by the door as I look around the room.
I was hardly ever in Jaden’s old room in his parents’ house, but I do remember that it was pretty big, and the design was pretty much identical to the room I’m standing in now. Unlike Dani’s room, Jaden’s hasn’t changed at all. Still the same flat- screen TV atop the dresser. Still the same Xbox next to it with a stack of games, including a copy of Grand Theft Auto that we once played together. Still the same mini football perched on a shelf against the gray walls. Still the same black furniture. Still the same framed Peyton Manning jersey hung on the wall. Still personal, still Jaden’s. I don’t know why, but it comforts me.
“It hasn’t changed much though,” I comment. There’s the fresh scent of cologne in the air, and as I continue to study the room, Jaden shifts past me.
“Yeah, I tried to keep it the same,” he admits. He grabs the TV remote from his bed and turns it on, flicking through channels until he finds something, then lowers the volume until it’s almost muted entirely. I’m grateful for the background hum to avoid any silences that may arise. “It totally bugs me that the window is at the opposite side now,” he adds when he turns back around. He tosses the remote back onto his bed and then points to the window on the left, shaking his head.
“Yeah, I bet.” I glance back at the shelves on the walls. There’s that mini football again, and a calculus textbook, a couple bottles of cologne, and a set of keys. But there’s also a photograph, and I know what it is before I’ve even leaned in closer to have a look.
Of course, it’s the Hunters. Back when the family was still whole, back when there were four rather than just two. The photo is from several years ago, from a time when Jaden had a full, messy head of blond hair before he took interest in styling it, from a time when Dani was still blond with her long hair flowing down her back. She looked like a different person back then, but not just because of the drastic change in appearance. She looked like a different person because she was smiling, and she rarely does that anymore. The twins are young, maybe around ten or eleven, and they’re sitting on the grass in what appears to be their old back yard. Jaden’s sprawled out, squinting through the sunlight at the camera, and Dani is cross-legged and grinning wide.
Behind them are Brad and Kate. They’re there, right in front of me, lounging on a pair of deck chairs, smiling their perfect, sincere smiles. Brad was tall and handsome, with sharp features and neatly shaped stubble. The twins get their warm complexions and blond hair from him. On the other hand, Kate was young and beautiful, and her dark hair contrasted with her pale skin in the most elegant of ways. She looked a lot like Dani does now. I force myself to look away from them. There’s something unsettling to me about seeing Brad and Kate while knowing that they’re gone, perhaps because I’m not used to seeing photographs of someone I’ve lost. I’m only used to seeing their name and nothing more. There is nothing more.
There’s a small sticky note stuck to the top of the frame, only it’s old and the glue has dried out, so it’s taped to the frame instead. The bottom edge has curled up, so I carefully reach forward and gently grasp it between my thumb and forefinger. I hold it down and squint at the faded cursive writing. It’s only three words.
Be good! Dad
“They left us notes every morning,” Jaden tells me quietly.
I quickly let go of the sticky note as though I’ve been caught manhandling something precious and fragile. I sort of forgot he was even here. I glance back at him, but he’s looking straight past me at the photograph and the note.
“They would stick them to the refrigerator every morning before they left for work,” he explains. “Dani used to keep them all and I thought she was so lame for doing that.” His lips curve into a small, sad smile and his eyes flicker over to meet mine. “I ended up being grateful that she did,” he admits. “I managed to steal that one from her, but she hoards the rest.”
“I . . . ” Words evade me. I just don’t know what to say, so I swallow and drop my gaze to the carpet. After a brief moment of silence, I finally say, “I’m sorry.”
“Oh, God, not again,” Jaden says. Confused, I glance back up and stare bewildered at him as he rolls his gorgeous blue eyes and turns away from me, shaking his head. He collapses down onto his bed and props up his pillows, getting comfortable. “You don’t have to say that. Seriously. I can talk about them. I like talking about them. I’ve accepted it, so stop tiptoeing around me,” he explains, laying flat with his arms folded behind his neck, his head tilted toward me, eyes locked on mine. His words are fast and his tone is sharp, and I feel as though he is losing his patience with me. “Please, Kenzie. This is the last time I’m going to ask you.”
How can Jaden be so positive? It’s unbelievable, and learning what to say around him is quickly proving to be a tough process. “Okay,” I say, nodding. I’ll try again. I’ll try harder to talk to him the way I used to. I’ll talk to him about all of the things we used to talk about together. That’s what he wants, I hope. It’s what I want too.
Jaden’s still watching me, his eyes boring into mine as though he’s analyzing me. Slowly, I move closer and sit down on the edge of his bed next to him. My eyes find Jaden’s again, and he’s waiting patiently for me to say something. And I do have some questions that I want to know the answers to. I feel like I don’t know him anymore, even though in the back of my mind I know that I do.
“Have you applied to colleges yet?”
As soon as the words leave my mouth, Jaden sits up. We’re at opposite corners of the bed, with several feet separating us, yet I still feel so close to him. “Yeah,” he answers after a moment. “I still have a couple more schools to apply to and then I’m done. Have you?”
I shake my head and shrug. “I really need to get started, but I’m so undecided. I settled with Colorado State because it’s a safe bet, but now I’m not so sure.” The last thing I want to do is go to the same college as Darren, but I don’t mention this to Jaden. “I’ll probably just end up applying to half the schools in the state. I visited the Boulder campus in the summer and it was pretty nice.”
“I’ve applied for a couple out of state,” Jaden tells me. A year ago, he didn’t want to leave Colorado. He was happy to go to school here, but it seems his mind has changed. He said yesterday that he was planning to leave Windsor, but I didn’t realize he is hoping to leave Colorado too.
“Where?”
“Notre Dame and Florida State,” he says, running a hand through his hair to push it back off his forehead as he drops his gaze to his lap, his legs extending in front of him. “I probably won’t get in, but it’s worth a shot. I can’t imagine spending the rest of my life in Colorado, you know?” He glances back up again. “Especially Windsor.”
“I know what you mean. I can cope with living in Colorado, just as long as it’s not here.” I glance around the room again, drawn back to the mini football on the shelf just above Jaden’s head. “Didn’t you want to try for a football scholarship?”
“No. Honestly, I’m not even into football that much. I only signed up because I was trying to be cool back in freshman year,” he says with a laugh, covering his face with his hand in embarrassment. “I wasn’t even that good of a linebacker,” he continues as his eyes flicker back to mine, “and the only reason I’ve actually been a decent player this season is because I discovered I tackle a lot better when I’ve got something to be angry about. I get to hit people and not be arrested for it, so yeah.” A pleased smile appears on his face and then he glances away again, grabbing the TV remote. I know what he is referring to, but I don’t want to ask about it.
“Holden tried for one,” I say as he flits through the channels once more. “He needs one so badly, but he started messing up his chances last year. He’s not been playing as well as he used to, grades started dropping, all that shit. He gets in the worst moods about it, so don’t take the way he acted last night personally.”
“Yeah, I noticed,” Jaden says. He settles for an old SNL rerun with Jonah Hill and tosses the remote back down again as he turns to look at me. I can see the birthmark on his neck again, but I don’t dare tell him out loud that I think it’s cute. “At practice you can tell he’s stressed out. Coach is losing patience with him. He’s got a hell of an attitude, doesn’t he?” I roll my eyes and nod in agreement, and a small smirk plays at his lips. “Funny thing is, we used to get along pretty well. He stopped talking to me last year. Have you got anything to do with that, MacKenzie?”
Color immediately rises to my cheeks and I find myself turning red with humiliation. “I may have . . . ” I mumble, but I’m too embarrassed to admit it. Out loud, it makes me sound like the worst person in the world, but Jaden deserves the truth. Not all of it, not yet, but I at least need to make a start. “Holden and Will have stayed clear of you because I asked them to,” I admit. “I’m sorry.” My face feels so hot, and I throw my head back and cover my face with both hands, unable to look at him. Even though he’s only messing around with me, I still try my hardest to hide the shame in my eyes.
“That’s not cool, you know,” he says gently, his tone changing. Suddenly the mattress beneath me shifts and a moment later, Jaden’s hands are gently grasping mine. Carefully, he moves my hands away from my face, his skin calloused but warm against mine. My breath catches in my throat as my eyes flicker open again. Jaden is on his knees in front of me, his blue eyes smoldering down at me. My gaze mirrors his as I look up at him, then glance down at our hands, and back up. “I just want to ask one thing . . . ” he murmurs. “Why? I . . . I needed you, Kenz, and you weren’t there.” He shakes his head at me, letting go of my hands.
I feel my heart breaking and cutting through my chest when he says this out loud. I knew he needed me, which is why I have felt so guilty and so awful that I couldn’t be there for him, but actually hearing him tell me this himself is gut-wrenching. All of the oxygen in the room seems to disappear. I knew eventually I would have to answer this question, but I’m still struggling to put it into words.
How do I tell Jaden that I was scared everything would be different? How do I tell him that grief terrifies me? How do I tell him that it was easier to step back than to step up? How do I tell Jaden that I know what it feels like, in my own way, and that I didn’t even know how to make my own mom feel better, let alone him?
A lump rises in my throat and I swallow hard. I reach for Jaden’s hands again, feeling desperate now, and intertwine our fingers tightly, then squeeze, searching for reassurance. Our eyes are still locked and Jaden doesn’t break the intense contact, but he does rub his thumb over mine as he waits. Finally, I exhale and with great trepidation, I whisper, “I didn’t know what to do or what to say to make it okay. I didn’t know how to make you feel better. I didn’t know if you would still be . . . I didn’t know if you would still be Jaden. This Jaden.” I give him a small nod, but my voice feels weak. Admitting what I’ve done wrong is hard. “It was easier to just stay away. I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have avoided you for so long.”
“Kenzie,” Jaden murmurs. He lets go of one of my hands again and then moves his to my shoulder, delicately brushing his thumb against my neck as he tilts his head down toward me, looking back at me. “It’s okay. I get it,” he reassures me, though I’m not entirely convinced that he’s forgiven me. “You’re here now, right? That’s what counts, so please don’t disappear on me again. I can only deal with the girl I like cutting me off once.” He laughs a little to lighten the mood, then he retreats, releasing his hold on my hand and my shoulder. With his back to me, he slides off the bed and walks over to his TV. “Hey, I know,” he says, grabbing one of the games from next to his Xbox. Spinning back to look at me with a playful grin on his face, he holds up the game and winks. “How about a good old traditional game of Grand Theft Auto since you love stealing cars from innocent civilians?”
I laugh out loud and it feels so good to laugh alongside Jaden again. Quickly, I nod in agreement and shift forward into position on his bed as he sets up the game. It feels just like old times, sitting in Jaden’s room, staring at the emboldened vein that runs down the side of his neck as he slots the GTA disc into the console. I’ve missed how carefree everything felt with Jaden, how playful and spontaneous and easy everything was, and the only thing running through my mind as I watch him right now are the words that escaped his lips only a minute ago.
I can only deal with the girl I like cutting me off once.
Present tense, and enough for my lips to curve into a smile.
It’s after midnight by the time Jaden and I quietly sneak back downstairs and he shows me out. I didn’t intend to stay so late, but it’s not exactly like we were watching the time. One game rolled into another, and then another, and then another. It wasn’t until Jaden’s phone vibrated with a text from Dani asking us to shut up because she was trying to sleep that we realized just how late it was, and that I should probably get going.
The house is in darkness and the candles in the hall have been blown out, but the scent of cinnamon remains. There’s complete silence too, and it seems Terry and Nancy have turned in for the night, so I follow quietly behind Jaden down into the hall. When we get to the foot of the staircase, Jaden reaches back to gently grasp my wrist, and then his hand slides down into mine. He leads me over to the front door and the glow from the streetlights outside shines through the glass, illuminating his face as I turn to look at him one last time before I go. He lets go of my hand again and I have to force myself not to care too much about it.
“Thanks for today,” I murmur in a hushed voice as I step into my shoes. “The bowling and everything . . . I had fun.”
“You’re welcome,” he replies, and I’m reminded of just how raspy and attractive Jaden sounds when he whispers, especially when he’s smiling his signature crooked smile at me the way he is now. I can appreciate it again now that I’ve realized it’s as sincere and real as it’s always been, and not just some fake grin he’s putting on to fool everyone into believing he was okay. He is okay.
We stand opposite one another for a moment. Everything is so still and quiet that I’m afraid to move, afraid to shatter this silent connection between the two of us. I can just about make out all of his features as I wonder what I’m doing here, standing in front of Jaden Hunter in the dark. I thought I came here because I felt guilty. I thought I came here because I owed it to him. I thought I came here because I was wrong about him being different. I thought I came here because I enjoyed being around him earlier.
But I don’t think that’s why I came. I think I came because somewhere at the back of my mind, I’m wondering: What if? I’m only realizing that now as I find myself unable to wipe the smile off my face simply because Jaden is staring back me with those damn blue eyes. I can almost feel the weight of the question pressing down on me.
What if we could still be something more?
I’m feeling reluctant to leave, a wave of confidence hits me and I just can’t hold myself back. Reaching up, I place my hand flat against the warm skin of Jaden’s neck, slowly brushing my thumb over his birthmark. “Cute,” I whisper.
Embarrassed, he quickly places his hand on top of mine and moves it away, blushing. He tilts his chin down in an effort to hide the birthmark, then he looks back across at me as silence forms around us. My pulse begins to race as the gaze we’re sharing intensifies and I swallow, parting my lips slightly. I wonder whether or not Jaden is going to make a move.
But he doesn’t. He lets go of my hand and steps back, then quietly murmurs, “Goodnight, Kenz,” as he unlocks the front door and pulls it open. The cold night air immediately drifts over us and the sudden chill brings me back to reality.
“Goodnight, Jaden.”
We exchange one final smile and then I head outside onto the porch with Mom’s car keys jingling in my hand. The wind has also picked up and it blows my hair across my face, so I keep my head down and half jog to the car, but I stop as I’m passing Brad’s boat. I look at it for a second, but it looks even sadder abandoned out here when it’s dark, and then I turn back around to face the porch. Jaden’s still at the front door, leaning against the frame, watching me as I leave.
“Do you ever take the boat out these days?” I call out to him across the lawn, holding my hand over my eyes to shield my face from the wind.
Jaden’s quiet for a second as he glances over to the boat in the corner. Expression blank, he stares at it for several seconds before his eyes move back to me. “Not anymore,” he says with a small shrug.
I nod once and then turn back to Mom’s Prius, running down the driveway, throwing the car door open, and sliding into the driver’s seat. I start up the engine, desperate to turn on the heating. I’m not wearing a jacket, so I’m pretty cold. I just want to get home, so I give Jaden one final wave. I don’t want to leave, but I know I have to.
And as I drive home, I can’t decide whether I’m disappointed or relieved that he didn’t make a move, because I’m not sure whether or not I would have allowed him to.
I think, just maybe, I would have.