It is just after 8AM, and I have been staring at Will’s ceiling for the better part of an hour. I’ve been restless, not just because of the uncomfortable blow-up bed on the floor, but because I can’t stop thinking about last night, repeating the events over and over again in my head. I’m furious at myself for telling Darren the truth on Monday, but at the time I never imagined it could have turned out like this. I never thought he could be so cruel.
My head feels like lead, and I am not sure how much better Holden will be feeling this morning. Last night, after the Hunters and Darren left, he threw up twice while confessing the truth to a quiet, stunned Will. And it certainly wasn’t because of the two cans of beer he had drunk.
The party had ended before midnight, and everything after the horrendous episode in the kitchen feels like a blur. Holden and I had sat upstairs, side by side on the floor in the hall, listening to the music. Neither of us wanted to go back downstairs. I was a mess, and cried until I ran out of tears. Holden had cursed at me for telling Darren everything. I had cursed right back at him for causing all of this in the first place. We cried, and then we yelled, and then we cried a little more. And when we’d both run out of steam we just sat there, numb.
I feel eaten up now, as I am lying here, eyes sticky with mascara, morning sunlight filtering into Will’s room. I know it was an accident that night. I know Holden didn’t mean for any of this to happen, but I can’t help but keep thinking that this is all his fault.
I hear Will heave a sigh, and in a quiet, raspy voice, he asks, “Are you guys awake?”
“Haven’t slept,” Holden murmurs from the other side of the room.
I didn’t know that they were both awake too. Pushing my blanket off me, I prop myself up on my elbows and crane my neck to look at them. Will is sitting cross-legged on his bed, rubbing at his eyes with the collar of his T-shirt. Holden is on the other blow-up bed, lying on his stomach, his chin resting on his folded arms. He is staring blankly at the wall.
“I feel like shit,” I tell them, raking my fingers through my tangled hair. The room is far too warm and smells like boy, so I stand up and push open the window, leaning against the ledge as the fresh air drifts into the room. My headache hurts so bad that it is a struggle to keep my eyes open.
“I hate to ask . . . ” Will warily begins, glancing between Holden and me. He leans back against his headboard and pulls his comforter up to his chin. “But what are we going to do?”
Holden releases a muffled groan into his pillow and covers his head. I feel my blood boil as it becomes clear that he hasn’t got a plan. The situation may be complicated. It may be a mess. But it needs fixing, and it needs fixing fast. Darren’s escapade last night wasn’t exactly subtle, and I think it’s fair to say that none of us have any idea what will happen once this news gets out. I don’t see how Holden burying his head in his pillow is going to help matters.
I sit down on the corner of Will’s bed, crossing my legs. “Yeah, Holden,” I say, looking down at him. “What are we going to do? This is your mess.” I massage my throbbing temples, then under my breath I mumble, “If you had just told the truth at the time . . . ”
Holden shoots upright, throwing his hands up in exasperation at me, his dark hair ruffled and his eyes immediately brimming with angry tears. “I already told you! Do you even know the kind of shit I’d get into?”
“Maybe you deserve to get into trouble,” I say, my voice matching the volume of his. “If it was your fault you should have just spoken up about what happened. You should have just paid the damn price, Holden, because you don’t get to keep this from the Hunters! Because telling the truth is the right thing to do!”
I stare down at him, studying him. He looks mentally drained, but I am not surprised. He has been carrying this burden on his shoulders for over a year now, and the weight of it has only gotten heavier. He is never going to be able to let this go until he tells the truth. Not to me, not to Will, but to the Hunters. It is the only way. After a minute of silence, I state, “We are going over there.”
Holden’s eyes widen. “What?”
“You are going to tell Jaden and Dani the truth,” I tell him. My voice is firm and I am determined to make this right again. I’ve let Jaden down before, and I can’t bear the thought that I may have just done it again. He might not forgive me twice, so I need to talk to him as soon as possible. I need to explain myself, and so does Holden. “They deserve to know exactly what happened, and they need to hear it from you. So get up,” I say, pushing myself up off the bed and onto my feet, “because you have to do this, and you have to do it now.”
“Kenzie, I can’t!”
“Holden! Please!” I yell in exasperation, my voice pleading.
“Holden . . . ” Will says quietly with a croak in his voice. “Kenzie’s right, so listen to her. If you’ve done this—”
“Shut up!” Holden snaps. “I know! Okay? You think I don’t? You think I don’t know that? Because I do! I’ve had to live with this for over a year!” His voice is raised and he splutters his words, and in all of the years that I have known Holden, I have never seen him like this. So vulnerable and unsure of himself, so weak and so terrified. “Do you know what it’s like? Can you imagine what it feels like to see them every day? How hard it is when you ask me to be around them constantly? I can barely look them in the eye. It’s soul-destroying, Kenzie . . . And I regret it. I regret it so much. But that doesn’t make anything better, it just makes it worse! Everything has turned to shit since that night—the football, my grades. I can’t think straight . . . I can’t sleep—”
“Holden.”
“All because I did fall asleep for two seconds!”
“Holden,” I say again, louder. He stops. “It’s going to be okay.”
Throwing his head back, he blows out a long breath of air and stares up at the ceiling, rubbing his hands over his face. In the silence that forms, Will looks up at me from the edge of the bed, and as we exchange an uncertain, hopeless glance. I know that he too wants Holden to do the right thing. When it comes to a matter this huge, this important, being best friends isn’t enough. We want to help him, but we can’t protect him.
“We get it,” Will says quietly, though Holden is still staring up at the ceiling. “I’m freaking out just thinking about all of this, so I have no idea what it’s like for you, but . . . but c’mon, Holden.” Will sighs heavily and places his hand on Holden’s shoulder. “You have to talk to the Hunters. You don’t really have a choice right now.”
“No!” Holden recoils, pushing himself up onto his feet, nostrils flaring. “It’s not just an accident anymore. What if it’s homicide? Or . . . or manslaughter? Do you know what that means when they turn me in? Jail! For years!” he yells, tears now falling down his cheeks. He strides past me to the window, leaning outside to inhale the fresh air. His back is to us, but we can see he is breathing so heavily that his shoulders are heaving up and down. “You guys know my parents wouldn’t be able to afford a good lawyer, so goodbye football, goodbye college, goodbye future, goodbye to fucking me! I know it’s the right thing to do, but it’s going to ruin my life!”
Neither Will nor I can respond. Words choke in my throat. Holden is right: This is bigger than all of us now. The secret is out, and it had to come out, but it has suddenly changed everything, and now I’m not sure if it can ever go back to normal.
“Holden,” I say finally, lowering my voice. “Look . . . no one is turning you in,” I reassure him, though I don’t know for certain. I don’t know what is going through Jaden and Dani’s heads right now. I don’t know what they’re planning to do about all of this, and I’m trying not to think about how ugly this could all get. “We’re here for you. But right now, the first thing you have to do is just talk to Jaden and Dani, because if you don’t . . . ” I pause for a second, my eyes fixated on the beads of sweat around the nape of Holden’s neck. “If you don’t do this, then I don’t know if I can ever look at you the same,” I say finally. “You have to make this right.”
Holden lowers his head. He is still leaning out of the window, his breathing is still heavy, and there is silence again. “Kenzie,” he murmurs, his voice feeble. He glances over his shoulder at me and his dark eyes are heavy and sunken into his face. “Go and talk to Jaden. I am not coming with you.”
What? I shake my head at him in disbelief, entirely stunned. I thought I knew Holden. I thought he would do this, not for me, but for himself. I was wrong. He isn’t going to. He isn’t going to talk to the Hunters. He isn’t going to face up to what he has done. Desperately, I look back over to Will again, praying that he can do something, anything.
“Just go,” he mouths to me, holding his hands up in defeat. There is nothing either of us can do or say to make Holden change his mind right now, and I can’t stand here and waste my time arguing with him over it. Holden may not want to talk to Jaden, but I still need to, and soon.
I give Will a single nod and leave the room in silence, grabbing my things on the way out. My frustration burns the back of my throat, and I don’t realize I’ve been fighting back tears until I stop for a second to look back at Holden. He is still by the window, paralyzed and unrecognizable. I am clinging on to a tiny fraction of hope that he may just turn around and finally agree to come with me, to tell Jaden and Danielle Hunter the truth about what really happened to their parents last August.
But he doesn’t.