Tracy

I lost all control. Getting more of Maddox pushed any other thought or instinct out of my head. I wanted him to hold me tighter, kiss me harder, and I wanted to feel his body.

My hands roved around to the back of his head and I felt my fingers dig in, and slide up. His lips on mine were hot. I felt our tongues circle and it was like a bolt of something liquid, molten, set me on fire inside. I wanted him to lay me down anywhere, right there, the grass, wherever we were.

It wild and out of control. The physical pull to this man wasn’t anything I’d ever felt. I’d been with Ted, and it was nice.

Nice.

Ted.

“Oh my God.” My body was nearly wrapped around Maddox’s! What had I been thinking? What had I done?

“We can’t, I have to stop.” I said the words and they sounded breathy and not at all convincing because I kept kissing Maddox. And he kept kissing me.

It took a second for what I said to sink into his brain and in that second, I didn’t move away or try to break free. I didn’t want this to stop. I wanted the kiss to last longer. Forever.

Shit.

But the words did sink in. Maddox put me down and the kiss ended. I struggled to get my breathing under control.

Maddox looked down and I followed his eyes. My dress had come open in the front and the lace of my bra was barely covering me. Maddox moved his hands from my waist up to the neck of my dress. Slowly, gently, he arranged the fabric. I felt his fingers on my skin.

He was putting me back together and I could barely stop myself from begging him to take it all off.

I was engaged! I was working so I could have a fairy tale society wedding of my parents’ dreams!

I was not supposed to be here in Maddox’s arms.

Except it felt righter than anything I’d done in months.

“Go to your room. Stay away from the third floor. And don’t leave this place without me again.”

Total bullshit. I wasn’t supposed to leave The Castle? Go to my room? What the hell was this?

I was this close to telling him exactly what he could do with his orders. I was also about to kiss him again until we were both naked.

I was going to have to get the hell out of this situation immediately before I did something that I’d never be able to take back.

I was acting like a fool. I’d let my hormones replace my better judgment. Or maybe it was the way Maddox had swept in and saved me from those muggers. I saw him as my hero and that was messing with my mind. That had to be it.

I was speechless and didn’t have the right words to say anyway.

For the second time in one night, I ran. I ran into the house and did exactly as he said. I found my room off the kitchen and closed the door.

My world was spinning. I’d come so close to throwing all caution to the wind with Maddox.

I had to think. And thinking with his hands on me, his lips so close, was clearly not a skill I possessed.

Slowly my heard returned to some sort of normal rhythm. I washed my face, changed into the oversized t-shirt I slept in, and I realized I didn’t have sheets on the bed in my room here. Along with everything else, today had been my moving day.

Ugh.

I’d thrown some in the laundry earlier and had forgotten to get them out.

I cracked the door open and looked about. Maddox was nowhere to be found, thank God. The coast was clear. I tiptoed to through the kitchen to the laundry room. I grabbed the sheets and hustled back to my room as fast as I could.

I prepared my new bed.

Everything in my life at that moment was foreign.

I lay down and closed my eyes. I had too much to think about. Too much to try to understand about what I’d just done.

I thought I’d never be able to fall asleep.

But the exact opposite happened. I fell quickly fell into a deep sleep. It was almost as if my body needed to protect my brain. I shut down completely.

Despite being in a new place, a new bed, a new life, I was out in seconds. And I slept well. Maybe I was sleeping off the fever that Maddox had caused?

I woke up early the next day and wondered if everything that had happened the day before was real.

My mind immediately flashed to the kiss with Maddox. I knew that was real. Way too real. I put on jeans and a t-shirt and fixed my plans for the day.

I figured if I kept busy, I could make sense of things or at least forget they ever happened. I picked up my phone for the first time since last night.

There was one text from Ted.

“You’re being selfish.”

I didn’t think I was being selfish, but it hurt that he wasn’t the least bit concerned about me. I had been mugged last night and his text was terse. I wasn’t selfish, was I?

I was doing all this to pay my parents’ wedding debt for a wedding that would live up to his family’s standards. And yet I was being selfish? I didn’t even want a big wedding.

I may have made a misstep last night, a major misstep, but Ted didn’t know that. And he didn’t need to. I had a made a smallish lapse in judgment but I hadn’t gone too far.

Part of me knew I was lying to myself. What I did versus what I thought was for sure going way too far.

I fished around my suitcase for a ponytail holder for my hair. I gathered it up and looked in the mirror for a second.

What did I want? That was the question I hadn’t asked myself since the moment Ted and I had gotten engaged. My parents, his parents, and Ted himself had scheduled the church, the hall, the cake, the band, and a million other details. I was the pretty bride they’d all grafted onto their wedding day plans.

And I had gone along with it. I had been passive.

I wasn’t passive.

And I wasn’t right for Ted.

That thought leaped into my head and I squeezed my eyes shut. We were too far along. My parents had spent too much. The paper had announced it! I shouldn’t be having these doubts.

But there they were. I was in turmoil. The thought of getting married, at that moment, had me breaking out in a cold sweat.

I had to ask myself if this what I wanted. If Ted was what I wanted.

And I had to get to work.

I finished tying my hair up and I went out to the kitchen. I could have my inner turmoil all day but no matter what, my parents’ debts were still a reality.

Unless I won the lottery, I was committed to doing what I could to helping them. For a second the only thing I could say for sure was that I was going to help them break even on this.

So to work it was. Despite my strange adventure with Maddox, Sarge and Olivia needed me. This house did too.

I made my mental checklist of the day’s activities. I would check on Olivia and Sarge, start the food preps, and then assess what room needed my attention next. Wrangling the kitchen had been day one. Day two? I’d play it by ear.

If I ran into Maddox, I’d play that off. Right? I could do that. I could pretend it had just been a crazy moment. I could ignore him and our encounter.

He had said to stay away from the third floor. So maybe I’d be fine. I could avoid him and the bigger issues if I focused on work.

Olivia’s day nurse was back. I pretty much ignored her and focused on Olivia. I told her about Ted. I braided her hair instead of leaving it loose and then I sat down next her and cracked open one of the three-ring binders I’d found.

A part of me already knew Olivia was the glue that had held this family together. I wondered what Maddox was like before all this happened. Sarge looked at Olivia with such love. But somehow, I sense that it wasn’t this that had broken him. Maybe he’d been broken by something else. I wondered what Sarge’s wife had been like and what kind of a Dad he’d been to Olivia and Maddox.

I opened Olivia’s To Do Binder #1 and decided to read it out aloud to Olivia. These were her words, her plans for this place, so they were the closest things I had to a job manual.

The first part of the binder was under the heading ‘Foyer.’ I agreed that was a good place to focus on. Olivia had some paint colors and old pictures in the ledger. They seemed historical and must have been what this place looked like in its former glory.

The binder was a really great roadmap. I would check in on Sarge and then maybe consider what I could do to clean the foyer. I’d assess the paint. Who knew? Maybe I could bring it back to life a bit, like the kitchen. If anyone did ever come here, after all, the foyer would be the first stop.

I finished chatting with Olivia and had a plan in place. I stood up to leave, accidentally dropping the binder as I did so. More flotsam fell to the floor and I picked it all up to tuck back into the pages.

They were mostly paint swatches, lists, and pictures like the one of the foyer. But one piece of paper was different. It was on nice thick mint green stationery: a letter. Maybe this was something fun I could read to Olivia.

The handwriting was different than Olivia’s. Maybe a boyfriend? I started reading the note, vowing to stop if it seemed too personal.

It was personal but it sure didn’t seem like a boyfriend had written it.

There were no sentence breaks, no periods, and no spaces. It was just a stream of words and they all seemed desperate.

Olivia please please please I watch you and know you are the perfect one the one to be with me the one who I love so much I know you want to be mine but you can’t because of your family but I won’t leave you I won’t quit I will make it real and come true and we can be together and I will hold you and take you a way if you want and we can live where you want and I will kiss you and even though you said it wasn’t happening you are just saying that I know you don’t mean it because we are the only thing that is right in the world even though the world is trying to stop us.

I folded up the stationery paper and put it back in the binder. What was that? If it was a boyfriend, he was a psycho. And it appeared as if she’d dumped him.

The letter wasn’t signed. It left me unsettled and wondering. I looked down at Olivia. She was so beautiful. I could only imagine what she was like. Was she afraid of this person that wrote this obsessive letter?

I left her with her nurse, who’d ignored my every action as usual, and made my way to Sarge. The letter was on my mind, and I wondered if the person who wrote it ever visited.

I wondered if asking someone about it was a good idea. Was it prying where I didn’t belong? I shifted my focus to Sarge and the tasks of the day. I walked down the hall to his quarters.

“How are you this morning, Miss Plumb?”

“Doing fine! Would you like breakfast in here or maybe in the kitchen? I think you’ll be happy with the progress.”

“I’ll be in there in a minute. I like that idea.”

“Need any help?”

“No, I can do it.”

I watched Sarge struggle to get out of the scooter and into his bathroom. He was stubborn.

I busied myself in the kitchen for a few minutes and then got concerned. It was taking Sarge too long. I came back into his room and heard nine kinds of swearing.

“Sarge, I’m coming in, okay?”

There was another barrage of swearing but somewhere in there I heard the word ‘okay’.

I walked into his bathroom to find him on the floor.

“Sarge, what happened here?”

I kneeled next to him and did a quick inspection. No blood, that’s good.

“I slipped after I finished shaving.”

“The shaving looks nice.”

“Misjudged the floor, anyway, I can’t seem to…”

He didn’t finish his sentence. This wasn’t uncommon. When an older person falls, the biggest problem mostly wasn’t the fall itself. The problem was getting up. Their limbs just weren’t strong enough to accomplish it.

“Hmm. Let’s see if we can get you on your scooter.”

I maneuvered Sarge onto his side, and then onto all fours. There were no handles, no places to grab onto to help him make that final transition.

I was about doing my best to get him upright when Maddox showed up.

“Let me.”

“Took you long enough!” Sarge growled. “I called him, this is usually his job,” he added to me.

Maddox squeezed into the bathroom and instead of assisting gently he simply picked Sarge up lock, stock, and barrel and placed him on his scooter.

“That’s not the best method,” I said, and Maddox looked at me like I was insane.

“He’s in the scooter isn’t he?” Maddox said.

I ignored him.

“Sarge, I can teach you a few techniques for getting up and we can even work on some exercises to help.”

“Thank you, Miss Plumb.”

“Breakfast is ready for both of you in the kitchen.”

Now that Sarge was safe, Maddox’s proximity made me jumpy. I focused on the situation at hand. This house needed more than dusting; it needed to be adapted for Sarge. Thinking about that let me push my currently conflicted attraction to Maddox aside for a moment.

I’d have to add the bathroom adaptions to my ‘to do’ list. They’d probably need to be at the top.

I wondered if there were plans for this in Olivia’s ledger somewhere. Or had Sarge gotten worse since Olivia’s attack?

I hurried back to the kitchen and soon Sarge followed. I wasn’t surprised that Maddox had disappeared.

I put together a plate and Sarge immediately began his praise of my cooking.

“So, we need to get some railings in your bathroom,” I said when he was done.

“You need to get Maddox to sign off on that. I’m all for it.”

“Done deal.”

Making this home nicer was one thing, but making it safer for Olivia and Sarge was my main job. I’d deal with Maddox, no matter how uncomfortable that might be, to ensure that Sarge had an easier time taking care of his own basic needs.

“Enough about my brutish son and my current predicaments. Tell me about this fiancé. I can’t believe he’s good enough for you,” Sarge said and I laughed.

“Oh yeah? What if I say he’s probably way better than me? Rich, handsome, an up-and-coming politician. They say he will be governor of the great state of Texas someday.”

“Every little girl’s dream, marrying a politician, eh?”

He took a mouthful of the omelet I’d made him.

“Well, no. It just sort of happened.”

“He’s very lucky to have you, I say. For my money, most politicians are oily bastards. Liars, cheats, and as phony as a three-dollar bill. But I’m sure you’ll be very happy together.”

I laughed, “How do you really feel about it?”

“I guess that’s one of my failings. I’m blunt.”

“I don’t think it’s a failing. But you don’t know Ted Perry.”

“Oh, Perry. Uh, well, if he’s anything like his parents, he’ll be a great politician.”

He didn’t mean that as a compliment, clearly, so I changed the subject.

“I used very little butter on your eggs and seasoning instead of salt. I was told your blood pressure is an issue.”

“Ah, yeah, the emphysema is the biggest pain, then the blood pressure, and then, well you saw me, I can’t move. Paying for a lifetime of badass behavior.”

Sarge winked at me and I couldn’t help but want to do everything I could, just like for Olivia, to be sure he was a little safer and happier.

“We’re going to work on two out of three of those. No arguments. You’ll see; I’m a badass health aid.”

Sarge laughed. Spending time with Sarge was easy. After breakfast was his first of several sessions he spent sitting with Olivia throughout the day. His days revolved around sitting at her bedside. These men were living a haunted life. I’d seen Olivia’s chart. After three months in institutions, she’d been released home from an extended care facility over three months ago,. I wondered what they were all like before all this happened.

I knew she’d been shot but I didn’t know much more.

There were pictures in silver frames in her room: as a girl, with Sarge, with her late mother, and with her big brother, Maddox. None of the pictures resembled the way their lives were today.

Before I did any other chore in this house I needed to confront Maddox. He held the checkbook for this place. Sarge paid my salary, that’s what the agency had said, but Sarge said Maddox ran the house.

A day ago, I wouldn’t have thought twice about marching upstairs and asking for what was needed. Today, well … I was shy, embarrassed, and curious about what might have happened if I hadn’t come to my senses.

I couldn’t do this job in fear of Maddox, so I faked it. I took the steps up to the forbidden third floor and called out his name.

“Maddox. Hello?”

There was no answer for several seconds. I knew he had to be home; I hadn’t heard the roar of his bike since last night.

“Maddox?” I called out again.

“I thought I told you to stay out.”

His words came almost as a whisper from behind me. Maddox was at my back. I could feel his breath on the top of my head. Every cell in my body wanted to bridge the tiny gap of space between us. I lifted my chin and turned around. I looked up. Each time I saw him again, his face registered as more handsome to me. It was damned frustrating.

“I need to purchase some handrails for your Dad’s bathroom.”

“Why?”

“You saw, he needs some assistance if he falls.”

“I can give him assistance.”

“What if you or I aren’t’ here? This is non-negotiable. We need to go to a home supply place. The one on White Hall.”

I wasn’t talking about anything but Sarge. This was the plan. Don’t bring up the night before. I didn’t feel equipped to address it or to sort out why it happened, so avoiding it was my best option.

“Fine, I’ll take you. Give me an hour.”

“That’s it?”

“What?”

“I thought you’d give me an argument, Sarge made it seem like…”

I let my thought trail off. I had expected the beastly behavior of our first meeting, not this easy agreement.

“If he needs it, he needs it.”

Maddox was acting like nothing had happened between us, just like I was. Which is exactly what I wanted, except, it turns out, it wasn’t at all what I wanted.

“Fine. We can’t take your bike. We’re going to have stuff to haul.”

“We’ve got a truck. In fact you can have it to do errands or whatever, even if it isn’t work-related.”

“What?”

“I don’t have time to save your ass every night because your boyfriend’s too busy to drive you.”

“That’s not the case.”

I was livid. I wanted to tell him to go to hell. But I also didn’t want him to think he’d got under my skin. I’d already shown that he had, way too much, last night.

“Be ready in an hour.”

He was dismissing me. Samuel Maddox Junior was a player; he’d toyed with me last night. That was dawning on me now. I was likely just another of many women who he’d heated up just to let down.

“You’re not even going to mention it?” I asked.

“What?”

No. I couldn’t bring myself to say what had been eating me up since I’d woken up this morning.

“You know.”

“I don’t think there’s much to talk about.”

He was infuriatingly cool.

“The kiss okay. We kissed.”

I felt like an idiot at this point.

“Forget about it. It won’t happen again.”

“Do that a lot? You swoop in, play the hero, and then hope it pays off? Not too heroic if it doesn’t eh?” I was feeling like a fool and acting like one too. This was not the cool demeanor I’d planned to show Maddox.

I was spitting mad, ready to fight. Hell, ready to throw things. And Maddox, who’d practically bitten my head off yesterday in this very room was still, quiet, and appeared to be merely tolerating me. It was infuriating.

“Twenty minutes, out front. I’ll drive you to the store. Now, if you wouldn’t mind?”

He put his arm out towards the door. I turned as fast as I could and got the hell out of there. I hadn’t played it at all like I’d wanted to. And he’d been insufferable.

If I didn’t get myself together, I wasn’t going to be able to work here and I needed to work here.

I had anger, nerves, and every emotion burning me up and it wasn’t yet noon.

Whatever had happened yesterday with Maddox, I had to just write off. I couldn’t let him affect me. I had to shut it down because I was so turned on I was on fire. I was also so mad I could spit nails.

I tried to calm down.

I looked at my phone; I’d missed a call from Ted. Ted. That was my future. I needed to remember why I was here, what I was doing, and where I was going.

I dialed. Ted answered.

“Oh, you have time for me?” Ted said. He was still annoyed from last night. I hoped that if he’d known what I’d gone through he’d have been more sensitive. He’d have been more concerned if he knew I’d nearly been mugged last night.

I hoped.

“Hi. I’m sorry I left last night. I was just tired from my first day at the new job.”

“Well, we have to remember what’s important. And it isn’t that job.”

“Right.”

Did he really mean that the way he said it? Shit. This was supposed to be putting me on track, talking to Ted.

“I have to tell you something.”

“Okay, fast though. I have a meeting with a donor in like ten minutes.”

Fast. Tell him fast about the attack? I didn’t want to be that girlfriend who insisted on attention all the time, but this situation seemed more serious than most.

“Last night I was mugged, while I was at the bus stop.”

“Sure, sure, be right there.”

“Ted, did you hear me?”

“I’ve got people in here, we’re strategizing that Chamber of Commerce speech. What was it you said? You’re taking the bus tonight? Well, however you get there, you must be at the club by six. Wear that yellow dress. You look spectacular in it and Mother says it photographs well.”

“Ok. Six it is. Yellow dress.”

All my anger from a few minutes ago was gone. I felt like a balloon that had only a moment ago been inflated with hot hydrogen and had now completely deflated.

Ted was mad at me from last night, when, in my view, I did absolutely nothing wrong. Ted wasn’t listening to me at all. He certainly wasn’t concerned about my mugging. In fact, he didn’t hear me. At all.

Had it always been like this?

I rewound our relationship. In most of my memories, it was Ted showing me off, not Ted listening to me, or supporting something I was doing.

Ted had never been to Ruff Life when I worked at the animal shelter. He’d never congratulated me on getting my associates degree. He only cared about this new job in terms of how it looked for his campaign. He encouraged me to stay out of school so I could spend more time on his campaign events. I had talked about nursing and he’d talked about how I wouldn’t have time for it.

That was when it hit me. I was no better than like my father, compliant, willing to do whatever to make Ted’s life go the way Ted wanted it to.

I’d been blinded by Ted’s ambition, his future, his life. I hadn’t stopped to think about whether I was a part of it or just an accessory to it.

I felt tears roll down my cheeks. Not because of Ted but because in that moment my life was utterly and thoroughly confusing to me.

I was the pretty fiancé in the yellow dress. Ted wanted me to graduate to pretty wife in the picture frame. So did my mother.

I wiped my tears. I stood up. I was supposed to meet Maddox out front.

I would wear the dress Ted wanted. I would meet him tonight.

But it wouldn’t be to pose for the photographers.

I walked out to the front of The Castle. An old powder blue Ford Pickup was in the drive. Maddox had one hand on the wheel.

He turned toward me as I walked up. Our eyes met. He was looking at me, through me, and I knew it.

But I’d be damned standing next to a man and smiling, without really contributing to him, or anything. I started thinking long and hard about why I’d stopped pursuing my idea to be an RN.