Chapter 32
Blakely
I never knew I could be that desperate. To throw myself at a man the way I did with Nicholas. That's a new low for me. A new low for womankind.
But I couldn't stop myself. Nicholas is the only man I've ever felt this way for. I thought that I could let down my guard with him. He's the only man who's made me feel safe since my father died.
I gave him my body and my heart and now he wants neither one.
Sitting at the kitchen table in my pajamas, I plug in my laptop and open up my email. I had to take the day off from work today. I'm too crushed to play the happy, welcoming yoga studio receptionist. The only reason I even left my room is because it's the middle of a Wednesday afternoon and Nicholas is sure to be at work. I can't face him right now. I wish I knew how to make myself stop thinking about him.
My computer automatically connects to messenger and a name pops up on my screen.
EllenEdits: B.J. what the fuck?!
My eyebrows hike up as I try to figure out what has her so worked up.
EllenEdits: This story started out as one of the best romances I've read all year. And now it's just a depressing mindfuck. I'm at 97% with no HEA in sight and I can guarantee that I'm gonna run out of Xanax just to get to the end of it. You have some major rewrites to do or your readers are gonna hate you.
BJ Hamilton Writes: it's honest and it's real and if they can't handle it then i don't need them reading my work
EllenEdits: Are you serious right now? Your fans deserve a happily ever after. Your characters deserve a happily ever after.
Y'know what? I thought I deserved a happily ever after. Instead, I got discarded by the only man I've ever shared my body with. Life isn't fair and my readers need to get with the program. It's unethical for me, as writer to keep feeding them the illusion of true love when Nicholas has completely shredded my belief in the concept.
Love is bullshit. And I don't want to be a part of it anymore.
EllenEdits: Did that boy go and break your heart, BJ? Is that what this is about?
Just as I'm about to tell her that my personal life is none of her business, I hear keys jingling in the lock. Fuck - what's he doing home so early?
The door swings open too fast. There's no time to hide. I slam my laptop shut just as Nicholas steps into the room carrying grocery bags.
"Hey." Just the sound of his voice does a million things to my body. Heat, rage, desire and sadness roll through me at once.
I refuse to meet his eyes, to let him see how much he affects me. "Hey." I focus on gathering up my computer and yanking my charger out of the wall.
"I noticed that you ran out of almond butter," he says diplomatically as he sets a jar on the table.
I glare at it without looking at him. "You shouldn't have. I'm going to the grocery store tonight."
He shrugs. "It's no problem. I figured I'd pick it up since I was already there. Y'know, to make your life a little easier."
To make my life easier? Is this guy for real?
If you want to make my life easier, help me understand how one minute you have your cock buried so deep in my I can feel it all the way to my heart and the next minute, you won't even touch me.
I don't answer. I focus on wrapping up my laptop wire.
He continues speaking, trying to force a conversation. "I'm about to do a load of laundry. Let me know if you have any reds."
Seriously, Nicholas? Seriously?
"Yeh, sure," I mutter, increasingly annoyed by his attempts to ignore the 800-pound gorilla in the room.
As I trudge past him, he grabs my arm. I finally look up into his eyes. I hate myself for the flutter of need I feel low in my belly. "They're having a bonfire tonight. Did you hear about that?" He sticks a flyer out to me. "If you aren't doing anything later, we should go. As friends."
As friends...
Friends don't stab each other in the heart with hot daggers.
I swallow back my emotions. "I can't…I have a date." The lie whooshes past my lips before I have a chance to censor it.
His eyebrows jump high on his forehead like he can't believe that anyone would actually want to date me.
Fuck you, Nicholas!
I leave him standing in the kitchen and hurry into my room. I put my laptop on the table and flop into my bed. I cry into my pillow for what feels like hours. I can't believe that things turned out this way. He was the only guy I trusted to give my virginity to and I had to go fall in love with him like a fool. Now my heart is shattered and I still have to live under the same roof with him and face him everyday. God, I’m a fool.
When I finally pull myself together, I wipe my face and sponge on a dozen layers of makeup. I put on the shortest, tightest, most scandalous dress I own (a gift from one of Evangeline’s modeling excursions) and a set of heels that scream 'sex'. I stuff a bunch of sweats into an overnight bag and I step out of my room.
I cross Nicholas in the hallway, carrying a pile of fresh laundry from the dryer. His eyes scan my body and there's no denying the want written on his face.
Good! Eat your heart out, asshole!
"You're going on your date?" he asks, doing a quick pivot and following me to the door.
"Uh-huh," I say noncommittally.
"In that?" His eyes linger on my skimpy excuse for a dress.
"Yup." I set my overnight bag down on the door-side table to slide into my jean jacket.
He eyes the bag and his chest all but vibrates with anger. "When are you coming back?"
I face him with a sigh. "That's really none of your business, Nicholas."
He stands there speechless as I grab my bag and step out the door.
"Don't forget to lock up," I throw snarkily as the door swings closed.
A weird sense of satisfaction comes over me as I make my way to my car. I know that it's immature but seeing that little bit of jealousy on his face is immensely gratifying. Still my vindication is fleeting, quickly replaced by the reality that he doesn't really want me. Yes, he had a little caveman moment but at the end of the day, he's the one who broke things off.
Sighing with a heavy heart, I pick up my phone and scroll through the contacts. I hit ‘dial’ and Isla answers after a few rings. "Hey, Blakes."
"Hey...I need a place to stay for a few days..."