Chapter 35
Nicholas
"Hey, Pretty Lady. You must be dehydrated from being so hot. Let me buy you a drink."
Emily turns to me, pointing a thumb over her shoulder. "Is this guy for real?"
I peek at the suit with the slicked back hair and the new-money smile standing behind her. I'm way too dejected to be amused right now.
I think I just rolled my eyes.
He tries again. "You'd better get a Sex-on-the-Beach because that's where this night is headed for me and you."
Emily tsks, still giving him her back. She speaks as if he isn’t standing right there. "He's not even trying to be clever. Just gross."
He slides a hand down the side of her arm until he's cupping her elbow. Emily looks like she's about to strike him with a beer mug. "Baby, you gonna give it to me or what?"
Okay. Enough is enough. “Come on, man,” I roar, irritated, "She's a fucking lesbian. Can't you tell?"
The guy's eyes go wide with realization as he takes another look at my stepsister. "Aw man," he mutters. Grumbling under his breath, he hangs his head in disappointment and trudges away.
Emily breaks into applause next to me, wearing the delight of a proud parent. "There's the misogynistic hero that society expects you to be! I always knew he was in there somewhere under all those layers of indifference!" She dramatically wipes a fake tear from her eye.
"Whatever," I grumble, spinning my empty beer mug on the counter in front of me. I'm not in the mood for her ribbing even though she has the best of intentions, just trying to cheer me up.
"Jeez." She pounds a fist into my shoulder. "Would you lighten up, Nick?"
Lighten up?
The girl I'm in love has been getting pounded non-stop by some mysterious small town Casanova who picked up the pieces when I broke her heart.
Sorry. I can't ‘lighten up’.
Emily downs a gulp of beer, her eyes still on me. "Y'see, all this misery you're going through?" She waves an unsympathetic hand in my direction. "It's all self-inflicted. You've brought it all on yourself."
"She's got a new boyfriend," I huff tersely, not at all interested in her lecture.
"So what? She gave you her virginity. Trust me – you're the one she wants. She'd dump the new guy for you in a heartbeat."
I shake my head. "You just don't get it, Em."
"Well, enlighten me. What don't I get?"
I grunt. If I tell Emily that the reason I ended things with Blakely is because of my disorder, she'll talk my head off, chastising me until the bartender throws us out at closing call. So I keep my mouth shut, pressed into a flat line.
Emily sighs. "Nicholas. She will choose you over the other guy. That's just the way the female heart works. You took her virginity. She has a special place in there just for you."
That's part of the problem. Whether she's dating someone new or not, I'm no good for her. Blakely is sweet as cotton candy. She deserves the very best. And the thought of her ruining what might be a good relationship just for the damaged man that I am...I can't let that happen. I don’t expect Emily to understand.
My stepsister shakes her head, muttering to herself. "I told you to step up to her and tell her how you felt, but nnnooooo. You chose to be stubborn. And now, you're moping around like somebody just hacked your mainframe and planted a virus in your source code."
What?
I look at her and chuckle. "Okay. Enough love advice from you, Emily. Can we just sit here quietly so I can mope with dignity?" I feel bad enough as it is. I don’t need her rubbing my predicament in my face.
“No!” she shouts defiantly. “I will not let you mope with dignity. I will shame you into admitting that you’re wrong, you’re lying to yourself. I’m tired of tiptoeing around the issue, Nicholas. It’s time to face it head on.”
I glance at her out of the corner of my eye as she pulls up her phone and dials a few numbers. I grab the bartender’s attention and order another round of beers because what else am I good for, really?
Emily’s voice bellows out. “Hello Christina…” she says in a sour tone and my blood runs acidic in my veins.
“What the fuck!” I mouth, staring her down.
She’s speaking to my mother. My mother. Come on, Emily. That’s low, even for you.
She ignores my grimace and continues. “Yes, I’m sitting here with your son, watching him sabotage the one relationship he’s ever invested himself in and I think that it’s time you finally tell him the truth.”
My eyebrows furrow. What the hell is she talking about?
Emily’s eyes roll into her skull. “Don’t play dumb with me, lady. I know the real reason your first marriage ended, and your second, and your third. Your poor son has been walking around all these years with the burden of thinking that his disorder was the reason for all of your failed relationships. He thinks that he doesn’t deserve love. You’ve got to tell him the truth. Now! Tell him why you can’t keep a man.”
I can’t just sit here and listen to this. I need to know what Emily’s getting at. I grab the phone from her and bring it to my ear.
“Mom, what the hell is Emily talking about? What is it that I don’t know?”
My mother’s voice trembles on the other end of the line. “I always hated that little bitch!” she mutters. I hear the familiar sound of ice cubes clinking against the sides of her favorite crystal tumbler as she enjoys her nightly scotch.
“Stop beating around the bush,” I say, eyes glued to my stepsister, “Tell me what’s going on!”
My mother growls. “Is that anyway to talk to your m—”
“Stop stalling” I demand.
The woman snarls. “I’m a lesbian, goddammit! I’m a fucking lesbian! The feeling of a man’s hands on my body makes my skin crawl! The thought of lying with a man makes me sick! There! Are you and the devil's little pale-ass spawn happy now?"
Everything in my world freezes. My head spins. Whoa!
“You’re a lesbian? That’s why your marriages fell apart?”
“Fuck you for judging me, Nicholas!” she spits out.
I shake my head in disbelief. “I don’t care that you’re a lesbian. But how could you let me go all these years thinking that I was the reason no man wanted to stay with you, that I was too fucked up to love?”
I hear her take a loud swallow. I imagine her in her floor-length pink satin duster, holding her tumbler of scotch daintily between her thumb and forefinger as she speaks. “It was the fucking ‘80s. My parents were high-society. Your father’s family was rich. There was a lot of stigma surrounding homosexuality. Our family’s arranged the marriage. I went along with it because what choice did I have? And when you came along a few years later, all lanky and strange…I don’t know, okay? Once you came along, I didn’t have to face the truth anymore. Yes, you put a strain on my marriage, but it was already cracked open long before you made your appearance.”
I’m hot with rage, betrayal stinging my lungs. “You just let me believe…” my words trail off.
“I’m sorry, okay! It was easier to blame it on you than to accept responsibility for it.”
My eyes turn to Emily. “And how did you know?”
She holds up her hands defensively and leans close to the receiver. “I’ve only known for a few weeks!” she says. “I say her at a Meet-Up for women in the closet. I went to offer support to a friend. And she was there.”
“Is that true?” I ask my mother.
She sighs. “It’s true.”
“This is fucking insane.” I feel like everything I’ve ever known about myself and my worth just got shot to shit. I guess I should feel free now that I know the truth but instead, I just feel like a stranger to my own self.
My mother continues to ramble on in her drunk slur but I just end the call and toss the phone to Emily.
“Y’see, Nicholas –”
I get out of my seat so brusquely that my stool topples over. “Don’t!” I growl, jabbing my pointer in her direction. “Just don’t!”
She calls my name as I stomp out the door. Yeh, I left her with the tab. I hear she has a few million sitting in the bank so I think she’ll manage just fine.
Shock still pulses through my body but now, I’m filled with remorse too. I built my self-image on a lie, a lie told by my mother, a lie that cost me the only woman I’ve ever loved.
And now it’s too late to do anything about it.