Lizzy, have you seen the lieutenant colonel? Nolan and Colonel Ross left at daybreak today. I heard the horses leave. It’s unusual that he hasn’t come by for anything. He seemed almost too quiet when he returned from taking Sara back yesterday.” Ella poured a little of the oil and apple cider vinegar mixture on her rag, rubbing it into the wood on the desk slowly. “Something’s not right. I feel it.”

“No, Miss Ella. I haven’t. Carter is gone, too. He left last night. This house just seems empty today.” 

“Not only empty, but more. Since Sara left and then Nolan this morning, things seem different, sad. I pray he stays safe wherever he is right now.” 

Ella fumbled around with the gun cabinet, the rag wiping around the front panel. She was doing anything to push away her sudden case of melancholia. It was empty now, but her guns were close-by in the hall closet in case she needed them. 

Since her horrible ordeal with Jason, she needed her shotgun nearby at all times. Jackson never said a word when she had pulled Papa’s gun from the cabinet. When he had asked, she had told him she did it. He didn’t seem alarmed about the gun, only about her. 

So much had changed since her abduction. She felt protected—he held her, and she didn’t hate him. His kiss still burned in her mind. His touch reduced her to mush within minutes. She didn’t understand all of what she was feeling, having never courted. He tantalized her thoughts. What she was feeling was beyond courting. She warmed as she recalled his lips burning a trail down the side of her neck, her arms—right here in this room. 

She looked around. This library had become a different room for her. Not just a room for books and bills, but one that had given her even more knowledge. It held memories of her body awakening and her heart opening. 

She wasn’t too sure about everything, but she knew she wanted Jackson here with her. She wanted him here now. The feelings he made her feel… she never knew a body could feel that way. It was addictive.

She was safe but feeling safe was not the problem. After all, how could she not with hundreds of soldiers right here? 

There is that, but it didn’t keep me from being kidnapped. 

A cynical laugh escaped her. The thing she couldn’t escape was the feeling of helplessness that the assault and kidnapping had given her. 

Lizzy started at her laugh. “Miss Ella, you are here, but you are also somewhere else.” 

She walked up to Ella and picked up the discarded rag and the oil mixture for the furniture. Handing Ella another rag, the two women worked together and finished the desk and the other exposed hardwood areas. Some furniture had been in the family for over one hundred years. 

“Lizzy thank you. I appreciate you showing me how to take care of the furniture. I want the house to be okay when this war is over, and Nolan is home.”

“Miss Ella, I was right worried when I saw you spying on the colonel and your brother outside the library. Carter and me know you done lost your heart to that man. He a good one even if he is fighting against the South.” 

“Yea. I guess lying that I was worried about the state of the furnishings with the men and their cigar smoke got me a lesson on polishing and more work.” 

The two women giggled.

“I know you were spying. Miss Ella you betta be careful about hurting the colonel. He cares for you and you aren’t a spy. You are not a person who can remember to lie.” 

“Lizzy, I suppose you are right.” She sighed heavily and absently rubbed the oil blend into the pianoforte. “I’m so worried about Nolan. And what are we going to tell Aiden when he looks for his brother?” 

“I know you are worried. The colonel gonna look out for you.” She paused smiled across the piano at Ella. “Your brother will be back, you’ll see. I feel it.” 

They finished conditioning the piano and pulled the door to the music room closed, both heading for the dining room. 

 “As far as what to tell Aiden, say just what Massa Nole told you. We tell him he went back to his job, but he will be back as soon as he has a chance, and they will go fishing again—and to mind you, of course. Oh, do you think we should add that he needs to be more attentive to Bo’s need to go outside for his business a little more often?” Lizzy chuckled. 

 “Brother worship can go a long way.” Ella broke into a big smile and laughed, feeling like a weight had been lifted. She wasn’t sure if it was the fear of Nolan getting punished by the Yankees or the fact that she understood her feelings about Jackson. She could do worse. 

He was a Yankee, but he was her Yankee. 

“Jackson said he would be back in a day or two. He asked that we tell Marshall he would catch up with him if Marshall asks about him.” She stopped. “That seems strange to me. I thought the two men knew each other’s comings and goings. But I will do as he asked. You too. Should he ask, you know nothing of his whereabouts. But ever since Monday, Jackson and Nolan have been discussing something.” Ella lowered her voice. “I cannot even hear inside the library when they are talking. They kept their voices so low. I don’t know what could be so important that they can’t talk in normal voices.” She harrumphed and spun around to check the desk drawers. “Of course, they are locked.” 

“You know he locks that desk. You have your secrets, and he has his. No disrespect, but you don’t plan to share information about the safe room with him, do you?”

“Certainly not. And no disrespect taken. That safe room is something only the family knows about.” She smiled at Lizzy, her meaning clear. “Come on. Let’s wash the linens. It’s still early. Perhaps that will move my head in a better direction. I want to think about anything but this war. I already miss Nola

Ella headed for the safe room, but Lizzy stopped her. 

“I got that earlier.” She reached into her pocket. “I almost forgot. Here are some letters Massa Nole left.” 

“Thank you, Lizzy. I’d like to read these. 

“You need to be out here for when young Massa Aiden wakes up. The less he sees that his brother is gone, maybe he will accept it easier.”

“You are right, of course. He should wake up about now. After we finish this, I’ll rouse him from bed.” 

“Miss Ella, I probably should not say this, but we be talking about everything but the elephant in the room. You know you need to talk about it to someone,” Lizzy soothed. “The colonel is helping your brother escape. If he gets caught, he will probably be hanged as a traitor. That must make you feel something inside.”

“I’ve never had these feelings before, Lizzy. My heart tells me what to say instead of my head. And my body feels odd when he’s near. He makes me feel special and giddy at the same time. These emotions and sensations are all so new for me.” She worked her throat. “But I always feel comfortable talking to you…” Her voice trailed off for a moment, smiling. A moment later, she shook her head, trying to clear it. 

“What you describe, Miss Ella, is what lots of women feel when they meet their special man.”

“I know,” was all Ella whispered.

Ella felt almost relieved to have a reason to talk about what was going on in her head. “I… I don’t know how I feel, truth be told. I think I’m at such odds with myself. Lizzy, do you think I am conflicted?” She was rambling. “And I’m so anxious. I’m real worried about Nolan and Jackson.” Her voice quivered.

“You got a right to be worried, Miss Ella. He is doing something for you that could get him into bad trouble. And he is doing it because he feels something for you, I think.”

“That man has come here and taken over my life. He smothers me. He insists that he has to escort me whenever I go into town, something I have been doing since I was a girl. He wants to know where I am, what I’m doing, and what I am thinking.” Ella stopped. She knew this was just a rant of frustration. “I have feelings for him. And I am troubled sick about him. What if something happens to them?”

“Shush. Don’t even talk like that. You know that’s bad luck.”

“It was easier when I hated all the Yankees, but I could never hate Jackson or Marshall.” She paced the floor in front of the desk. “Not now that we know them and see they are normal like us, and nice. They don’t see the whole picture. They don’t see our side.” 

Even as she said it, she knew she was wrong. Jackson was extremely fair. The man had gotten under her skin. He was in her heart. She wasn’t sure she liked the feeling. It scared her. What if he gets hurt? There was Nolan, and now there was Jackson. Both could get hurt or killed in this war. 

With a jolt, she realized that she loved him. What would she do if something happened to Jackson? 

This vulnerability was harder than she imagined. Maybe this was what love made a person feel. Her mamma and papa had loved each other. 

Her papa. 

She could understand a little better what Papa might have felt when he lost Mamma. The thought of it made her feel the loss of both of her parents all over again. Nolan mentioned he would look for Papa, wherever he was, and find him. She hoped so.

“Miss Ella? You be miles from here.”

“Lizzy, I’ve been thinking—about everything. I feel so torn inside. This life we have, it isn’t what any of us thought our lives would be like. And I would have never thought I’d hear these words from my mouth, but I think I love him. It cannot come to anything, what with both Jackson and Nolan on opposite sides in the war. How would that work? It makes me feel… vulnerable. I can’t tell him. What would it mean to him? He has mentioned nothing about a future. No, I wouldn’t know how to do that, and I don’t know how he would react. But I think he likes me. Oh, pshaw! It’s unfair for the Union Army to have men like Jackson. He’s gentle, giving, fair, protective, strong, and very handsome. He understands me and likes me. How’s a girl supposed to ignore that?” She almost squeaked that last sentence out. Hearing it out loud, she broke out in a rare case of giggles. She had laughed little since before Nolan had left to join the Cause.

“Miss Ella, as your friend, I see that he more than likes you.”

“Why do you say that?” Ella needed to know. 

“He is always looking in your direction. Always. He knows where you are, and most of the time, he seems to find a way to spend time with you. His face… he panics if you aren’t close by. It’s been worse since the kidnapping. I know it must be hard on you. I worry ’bout Carter, too. But we can never know when they will run into danger, doing what they are doing.” 

“You are right, Lizzy. I need to be more positive. I don’t know what has come over me.” 

“Love, Miss Ella. I saw it with your mamma and papa. And I love my Carter. Love has come over you.” She gathered up the rags and the oil. “Now, I’m going to the kitchen to get Cook to fix a good breakfast for Massa Aiden. You go wake him.”

“Thanks so much for our talk. I know you will keep it between us.”

“‘Course.”

Ella headed upstairs to wake Aiden and Bo while Lizzy headed to the kitchen. Her mind seemed possessed today. She missed the protective feeling she got when Jackson was here. And she couldn’t get the feel of his rippled chest off her mind. She didn’t see it, but she touched it, and the sensations were more vivid in her mind. Needing more, she wondered what he would look like without his uniform. Would the rest of his body look as beautiful as his face and his hands? 

Small butterflies chose that moment to create complete chaos within her stomach, sending that tingling heat radiating up her neck. Her body reacted whenever she thought of him. Best get that under control or she would never survive his absence. She pulled up her collar and strode towards Aiden’s room.