TAVIAN

07.07.15

I knew the question was coming. I’m surprised it took this long in the evening, to be honest. An open book, I told her, ask me anything… and yet never once did she inquire about a single other person in my life—not my family, not Annie.

Until now.

I cannot fuck this up.

“She, uh…” I clear my throat, hoping she doesn’t notice how my step hitched when she said Annie’s name, an action that mirrored my heart tripping over itself at the exact same moment. “Annie is… well, Annie is complicated.”

“You mean she’s your girlfriend.” Lyra laughs, but there’s little humor in her voice. “It’s okay, Tavian. You don’t have to lie to me. We’re friends, right? That means we’re supposed to be honest with each other.”

I stop walking a couple hundred feet away from the entrance to the hotel, grabbing her hand to get her to do the same. Her stormy blue-gray gaze snaps up to meet mine; she’s clearly agitated over the thought of Annie, and as much of a dick as it makes me, I fucking love it. It may just be a tiny sliver, but there’s definitely some jealousy there, which means she definitely feels this thing between us, too.

“Annie and I met at our freshman orientation at Penn, which also happened to be the same day my dad and two older brothers were killed in an explosion at the factory they all worked at.” I pause and allow the gravity of that part of the story to sink in, hoping she can detect the sincerity in my words. The way I answer this question, right here and now, in the middle of this busy Barcelona street, under a flickering street lamp, with cars and people passing by like we don’t even exist, might just dictate the way the rest of my life plays out. I want to be honest, but not scare her off. It took damn near getting killed in a terrorist attack to find her; I can’t lose her now.

“She was literally right next to me when I got the news at lunch that day. And from that moment on, she was my lifeline. We were together every single day. She allowed me to forget the pain, get lost in her.” I lick my lips nervously as I stop for a breath. Even though I’ve had almost nine years to come to terms with my dad and brothers’ deaths, it still hurts something fierce when I think about how much I miss all of them. “If it hadn’t been for her keeping me focused and continuously steering me back to the right path when I’d do stupid shit—and I did a lot of stupid shit—I never would’ve graduated, much less been in grad school and working for the university.”

Lyra’s expression softens, and she peers up at me with understanding—instead of sympathy, like most people do when they find out about the explosion. She also doesn’t say “I’m sorry” right away, which makes me think she knows the pain of losing someone she loved. Of course everyone’s sorry; only a complete asshole wouldn’t be. It also makes sense why she avoided any family-related questions during dinner and why she doesn’t like to make personal connections with other people—the latter being something I’m already working on changing.

“For over seven years, we were inseparable, lived together and everything. After I was accepted into the PhD program and secured a full-time teaching gig, I thought it was time for us to make the next step in our relationship, so I bought a ring and was all ready to propose. My mom was super excited, because ever since it’s been just me and her, she’s been waiting for me to start rebuilding our family with Annie. And she’s not shy about letting me know either.” I cringe internally as I think about the disappointment on her face when I told her the proposal was off. There’s nothing I want more than my mom to be happy again. I’d do almost anything to see her smile like she used to.

“So, I had this whole thing planned,” I continue, “but before I had a chance to pop the question, she announced that she was going on a year-long sabbatical, backpacking across Europe with two of her girlfriends. Said some shit about us being together since we were babies and she needed to make sure of what she wanted in life. And then she just left the next week.

“At first, I really missed her, ya know? I was so used to her being around. But as time went on, I started discovering things I enjoyed on my own. I realized I did a lot of things only because she liked doing them. I’d leaned on her so much and been with her for so long that I’d lost myself somewhere along the way.”

Lyra squeezes my hand and a buzz of electricity shoots through me. Touching her is fucking heaven; since the second she crashed into me at the airport, I crave her skin on mine constantly. I used to think my dad was full of shit when he told me about finding The One. How I’d know without question just by the look in her eyes and the feel of her touch. I just wasn’t expecting it to be like… this.

“And she’s home now?” she asks timidly.

I swallow hard and nod once. “She came back a few months ago, but things are so different now. We’re not the same people anymore, haven’t been for a long time. I think we both know it, but the history between us… well, it’s easier said than done to walk away from someone who’s been such a huge part of your life for so long. And of course, my ma—she’d be crushed, and I’m not sure I can break her spirit again. Not after everything’s she’s dealt with.” I admit that aloud for the first time. The tightening under my ribcage is stronger than I expect. I’ve been sidestepping this realization for a while, since before Annie even returned. Meeting Lyra has only hurtled me over the line. “So yeah, Annie is complicated.”

We stand in a silent haze, holding hands, the only two people in the universe, as I wait for her to dictate how this is going to go. I have laid it out for her, the brutal truth of my past and the unfortunate circumstances of my present, and though I haven’t come out and said how I feel about her, I have no doubt she guesses. Our connection is undeniable, and after only one day, she’s got me questioning everything. Shit, I’m going to be turning in my man card after this trip.

“Sucks about your dad and brothers,” Lyra eventually says. The subtle awkwardness in her words is endearing; she’s the most real person I’ve ever met. Transparent, yet mysterious. I want to know everything about her—mind, body, and soul.

“Yeah, they’re the main reason I started taking these trips,” I reply, reaching up with my free hand to push a wayward lock of her long chocolate brown hair out of her eyes and back behind her ear. Just another excuse to touch her. “I know it sounds cheesy as fuck, but I don’t take a single day for granted. Don’t waste time being mad or upset. I swore at their funeral to live life to the fullest, and I won’t let them down.”

Lyra closes her eyes and inhales a deep breath through her nose. Her lids flutter open as she blows the air out through slightly parted pink lips, and my cock twitches at the thought of how sweet her little mouth must taste. But I can’t do that. Not yet anyway. I have to end things with Annie first; a cheater, I’m not. This trip has to be just two people getting to know each other until I take care of what I should have done months ago.

Unfortunately, time isn’t on our side.