Chapter 1
In her rush to make it to the lecture theatre on time, Shanda Miller collided with someone at the entrance, and her books went flying from her arms.
“Sorry,” she murmured as she bent over to pick up her books, which were now scattered.
As she bent down, again, her head bumped into the stranger’s head, who also was attempting to pick up her things. Shanda broke into laughter at the ridiculous string of events, and she straightened to a standing position. It felt odd to laugh; she couldn’t remember the last time she was able to laugh, and so openly, too. It was an almost alien feeling, but a welcome one. Like an old friend had returned to her world after a lengthy absence. She stopped abruptly, when she had the chance to survey the stranger standing in front of her; he was wearing an amused expression.
She almost gasped, but managed to swallow back the sound. The world about her faded into a hazy, gray nothingness, and her senses seemed to shift, and sharpen as they focused only on the man standing in front of her. He wore a teasing smile, revealing a set of white and even teeth. His mouth was provocative; it was very well constructed for passionate kisses, just as it was for insults and provocations to enemies. But his eyes were the feature that captured Shanda’s attention. They were black and very intense, and when they focused on her, her stomach dropped and her pulse sped. She felt, when this stranger’s eyes entrapped hers, as though she were the only other person aside from him in the world.
“I’m sorry, did I bump into you— twice?” he said, and laughed again. His laugh was mirthful, his tone even and sweet. Its warm bass coated her eardrums.
His laugh was as attractive as the rest of him, coming out from deep inside his belly. Shanda had lost all her powers of speech; instead, she offered a quick nod in reply. Somehow, she managed to remember to smile to show that she was being friendly. Or at least, attempting to.
“I’m Ralph Williams,” he said, extending his hand to her.
“And I’m Shanda Miller.” Shanda practically choked the words out. Her own voice was unrecognizable. It had risen at least three octaves from its standard tone. Her cheeks heated, and she had the urge to simply run, but she didn’t want this man to think of her as some sort of nutcase. Pull it together, Shanda, she thought.
“First day? I haven’t seen you around campus.”
Shanda smiled. Though she has made the decision not to flee, she still felt very shy.
“Oh no. Is it that obvious? Yes, it’s my first day; I’ve just transferred from Great Western university,” she replied. Her voice finally returned to normal. The stranger kept the warm smile upon his face, for which Shanda was grateful; that way, her persistent smile didn’t come off as awkward. Just friendly.
“Oh, in that case, welcome to St. Augustine University. You’ll like it here. Well… apart from this class. Mr. Johnson is not the most interesting lecturer, but then again, Business Ethics can be a tad dull.” Ralph said with a wry smile.
Shanda laughed again. “Thanks for the warning.” Her anxiety was slowly thawing, and as Ralph handed her back the last of her fallen books, she felt an unusual comfort come over her.
She followed him into the lecture theatre, and with a friendly wave, they parted. Ralph went directly to the front row, and Shanda chose to sit in the back row. The lecture hall quickly filled with students. A short, plump, bespectacled man with a white beard entered the hall and stood at the front. Shanda figured this man must be the dull Mr. Johnson. She scanned the front row seats to see where Ralph was seated and at that moment, he turned back and winked at her. She placed a hand over her mouth to stifle a giggle.
Mr. Johnson lived up to his reputation, and Shanda caught herself yawning several times throughout the course of the class. Instead of falling asleep, Shanda took pleasure in admiring Ralph. He was so handsome, but there was something about him that was fragile… Shanda took a deep breath to tame the pace of her beating heart.
She sighed with relief when Mr. Johnson announced that class was over. She gathered her books and slipped out of the lecture hall. She never liked walking alone. She always imagined she’d looked conspicuous doing so, as most of the students tended to walk in groups, with their friends. That was the one major disadvantage of changing colleges two years into a four-year stay. But Shanda hadn’t had a choice. Like her mother, who also was left without a choice if she wanted a new beginning after all that had happened. Shanda, too, wanted a change. And if that meant moving to the other end of the country, she was just fine with it.
A hand tapped Shanda’s shoulder, bursting the bubble of memory she’d gotten lost in.
“Hey.” Shanda immediately recognized the deep, rich voice. An involuntary smile tugged at her lips. She lost a brave fight to that smile, and she turned to greet Ralph with what she could only guess was a look of pure madness. His dark eyebrows raised a bit, but he didn’t appear to be put off by her.
“Hey, new girl,” he said, returning Shanda’s smile, with much more charisma than she could ever muster. “Do you want a tour guide? If you would like, I can show you around the campus.”
“I’d like that,” Shanda replied. But a tour was the last thing she wanted.
“OK, I’ll be your guide for the day.” He was so bright and friendly, and- much like everything else about him—that quality put Shanda off-kilter. She had always been a bit quiet and reserved. Ralph possessed some strange, intangible quality that made her wish to gush like a high-school girl, while at the same time, making it nearly impossible for her to speak.
Shanda nodded, noting the thrill that ran through her body, and prickled the hair on her scalp She knew every nook of the campus, but she found it hard to turn down a gesture of such kindness. She has not expected to make a friend so quickly. As a third-year student, Shanda had no roommate, and so she was lucky enough to have a room all to herself. She both looked forward to, and dreaded, the emptiness of that room. She was happy that she would be able to play her cello without disturbing a roommate. But she also feared the possibility that she would be lonely. She’d never lived alone before.
Shanda shook the thoughts from her head. No need to allow her mind to wander when she had something to focus on, in the moment. Ralph had gotten a bit ahead of her and was a few feet further down the hall. He looked back at her and beckoned her to join him.
He was tall, much taller than Shanda, and she had to crane her neck to get a good look at his face. They walked amongst the throng of students leaving class. Ralph nodded, smiled, or waved at many of the people walking past. He seemed to know just about everyone. Even if he didn’t know the students, he offered a bright smile to those who made eye contact with him.
“These are two of the three computer labs,” Ralph explained, stopping in front of two doors facing each other.
Shanda nodded, and failed to mention that she had already used one of the labs on her induction day. She listened to Ralph absentmindedly as he showed her the library, other classes and lecture halls. They ended up in the café, where he offered to buy her a coffee.
“Thanks. That would be really nice of you,” Shanda answered. After being served their coffee, Ralph led her to the upper level of the café.
“My friends and I prefer to sit upstairs, it’s less noisy,” Ralph explained.
Feeling self-conscious, Shanda followed him to a group of about ten students on a corner table. They had books sprawled across the big, square tables, and were talking the way old friends do. Some were reading or doing assignments and others were eating and drinking tea or coffee. She stood at the edge, with her arms crossed over her chest, while Ralph said hello to his friends. When there was a lull in the conversation, Ralph took the opportunity to introduce her.
“Guys this is Shanda, she’s new here so be nice to her,” he said. He shot a warning look at two or three of his friends, but he displayed his apparently eternal smile while doing so.
“Hi Shanda,” a chorus of voices said, and she waved in return. Her face heated at the attention. She wasn’t used to being the focus of a large group.
They all wanted to know about her old campus, and one of the girls asked her about her reasons for moving to her new school. Negative memories flew through Shanda’s mind, overwhelming her. The face of her father, her mother. Her mother packing her and Shanda’s things in a tense, quiet rage. She’d avoided thinking about the catalyst of her move as often as she could, and when she was forced to think about it, she experienced a sharp pain in her chest.
She wasn’t ready to tell anyone. She’d barely had time to process it herself. And while it would be nice to talk to someone about it, Shanda was quick enough to realize that unloading a ton of personal baggage onto a group of total strangers wouldn’t be the best social etiquette.
“I just wanted a change, that’s all,” Shanda simply explained, feeling as she maneuvered into the only open seat at the table, squashing herself between two guys.
“So, you’re one of those adventurous, free-spirited people who need to move on every few years?” Ralph asked. His question was accompanied by a flirty smile, and a lightness in his eyes.
Shanda pretended to give the question some serious consideration. Finally, she nodded.
“Yes, I would say that I am. Next week, I’m thinking of taking off to Australia for a week of sunshine, documenting the mating habits of dingoes, and shrimp on the Barbie.”
“Really, how cool is that?” a girl with big eyes and wispy hair exclaimed as she took dainty bites of her croissant.
Everyone laughed.
“Jeanette, she’s kidding,” Ralph sighed and rolled his eyes. “Come on, you’re familiar with sarcasm, right?”
They talked a little longer, and after a few moments of listening to their jovial conversations, Shanda excused herself.
“I should get going. It was really cool to meet all of you. Ralph, I’ll see you around.” Ralph and the rest of the group returned her sentiments, and Shanda made a quiet exit.
Shanda didn’t have another class for a few hours, and in her downtime, her only desire was to call her mom and then lie down and rest on her bed. Her head was heavy and her hands trembled. All the changes she’d endured, and the anxiety that had arisen from those changes, the panic she had ignored until this exact moment—had finally caught up with her.
The halls of residence were tucked away from the hub of the campus, at the furthest end. Shanda trudged to the entry of the building, and climbed the stairs to the second floor, relieved when she reached the entrance of her new, temporary home.
She shut the door behind her, and dropped her books on the study table. Her room was sparsely furnished with just a full-sized bed, a study table, a chair, and a small wardrobe. Her room was a blank slate. She hadn’t given it her personal touch. She hadn’t devoted anything to the space that would indicate what kind of person lived there. Shanda had no intention of making it homey, since this small room in this unfamiliar city wasn’t her home.
Had Shanda been able to make her own choice, she would still be at Great Western, where she had been comfortable. Happy, even. She flopped on the bed, burying her head in the pillow. She fought off the tears that gathered in her eyes, refusing to let them fall. She didn’t want to feel sorry for herself, but she couldn’t help the loneliness that crept over her, and it felt like the slow, dotted notes she’d read and played for years. The isolation of a singular situation, extended for the purpose of a larger piece.
Ralph was cute and kind, but she wanted her old friends. They were a part of her, and she didn’t want to have to reinvent herself. She had no interest in making new friends. If anything, she wanted to make sure that the two years that remained of her degree to go as fast as possible. She wanted to bury her face in her books. Focus on her business studies. Human relationships seemed like a nuisance, and an unneeded chore.
When she’d calmed down, and the trembling in her hands subsided, Shanda sat up and fished her phone from the pocket of her jeans. She dialed the landline number before she tried her mom’s cell. Her mother picked up the phone on its second ring.
“Hi mom, it’s me,” Shanda said. She once again found herself in a fight to control her tears. The sound of her mother’s voice—that was home. And she was homesick.
“Well, hi, sweetie. How are you? How do you like your new school?”
“I’m OK, school’s good,” Shanda replied, trying to conceal the tightness of her throat. If her mother even sensed that she’d been crying, she would never be able to get her off the phone.
“That’s wonderful. I’m so happy to hear that. Honey, you know I…” her mother trailed off, but Shanda didn’t need to hear the end of that sentence.
“Yes, I know you would have mom.”
Shanda sighed. Her mother would not let Shanda forget that she had refused to let her come with her to St. Augustine’s. Shanda struggled to explain to her mother how she desired her independence, and that her mother deserved the same. After everything that had occurred, both women deserved the opportunity to learn to live on their own, regardless of how terrifying the future was to them—Shanda was optimistic that her decision would help both of them. Shanda would never be capable of speaking the words out loud that she would never be comfortable living with her mother again. The dynamics of their family had changed so much, and so fast; bringing her mother to live in her dorm room would have been assuming a closeness that was no longer existed between them. The worst of it was that it wasn’t her mom’s fault. None of it was.
“Okay. I know. And I know you’re busy with your schoolwork. I’m right here if you need me. Be careful, be happy, and make new friends. Enjoy yourself. You’re in the prime of your life, hon. Call me any time—as soon as you need to.”
“Yes mom. I’ll call you soon,” Shanda promised and hung up.
Her mom, for the first time in a long while, sounded upbeat and for that, Shanda was grateful. She had been down in the dumps for the last four months, since the big announcement which had thrown off the axis of their lives. The change was good for Shanda’s mother, too. She thought of calling her father, but she discarded that thought as quickly as it had come. She had nothing to say to him. He had destroyed their family. He had changed so dramatically. She couldn’t understand how the father who she had known and loved, the father who had so lovingly raised and cared for her, could have turned into something so foreign. Shanda was now in the difficult position of having to reconcile the man who her father used to be, with the man he actually happened to be. And she was angry with him for it. A part of her missed him, and she wished she could hear his voice, but the hurt was too raw. She was afraid to burst into tears like the lost child she felt she was, if she heard his voice.
A short, sharp knock on the door startled her. She walked to the door cautiously, treading lightly so that the person on the other side wouldn’t hear that she was in the room at all. She was baffled as to who could be on the other side. She knew no one at St. Augustine’s, apart from Ralph.
Shanda sighed, gripped the doorknob, and flung the door open. On the other side, there stood a petite girl with a mane of red hair. She smiled widely when she saw Shanda.
“Hi, I’m your neighbor next door. My name is Flora.”
Shanda was dumbstruck. Flora looked like an oversized doll, with plump cheeks, smooth skin, and a curvaceous body.
“Oh, hi Flora. My name is Shanda. I’m actually new here, just transferred from Great western.”
Shanda stifled a yawn as she anticipated the next question, which was always, why did you transfer? But, much to Shanda’s surprise, the girl only nodded in acknowledgement of what she’d just been told.
“Great. Do you want to come to my room for a cup of hot chocolate?” Flora asked. She rocked on her heels after asking, an action that Shanda found endearing.
As much as she wanted to refuse, Shanda felt a longing for a comforting cup of hot chocolate. She was willing to endure company in order to have one.
“I’d like that, thanks,” Shanda replied. She followed Flora to the next room.
Flora’s room was exactly how a girl’s campus room should look like. It had posters of pop bands on the wall and loads of pink cushions. They seem to be everywhere—even on the floor. It appeared lived-in, and was the antithesis of the bare, four-walled space that was Shanda’s room.
“Excuse the mess; I’m not the neatest of people,” Flora confided as she kicked a few of the floor cushions to the side to make a path for the two to walk through.
“No I like it. It looks homey.” Shanda said.
“Really? You think so? Thanks.” Flora bounced from the crowded living space to an equally crowded kitchenette.
Flora poured hot milk from a flask into two cups, chattering all the while, keeping up a string of conversation. Shanda found herself growing comfortable with Flora. She didn’t ask probing questions, or try to poke her nose into Shanda’s personal business.
“Which classes have you attended so far?” she asked.
“Mr. Johnson’s, he teaches Business Ethics,” Shanda said.
Flora whipped around to face Shanda, her face a look of mock horror, which made Shanda laugh.
“Seriously, “Flora proclaimed, “That’s a horrible welcome to St. Augustine.”
Shanda giggled. “He wasn’t that bad. Just sort of… dull.”
The hot chocolate was delicious, and the two women sat sipping at their drinks and chatting until Shanda had to leave for her afternoon lecture. Shanda thanked Flora for her hospitality, and found herself almost making future plans with the girl. She stopped just shy of doing so, however. Studying and focusing on her degree. That was what Shanda was there for. Sure, a no-strings-attached hot chocolate was fine, but she wasn’t ready to commit to even the most casual of friendships.
The day passed in a whirl of lectures, for which Shanda was grateful. She wanted as little time to think as possible. In the evening, she ran into Flora at the café. Shanda tried to make an excuse to retire to her room, but Flora kindly talked her in to a quick chat, which turned into a shared dinner. As they were eating, Ralph stopped at their table.
“Hi Shanda, where did you disappear to? Can I pass by your room later?” he asked.
Shanda blushed. It seemed a bit brazen for him to ask to come to her room, but Ralph was warm and kind. And fairly attractive. He stood confidently, with his palms pressed against the table, leaning in close. Shanda studied his face for a moment before she answered him.
“Yes, sure.” She gave him her room number.
“OK, see you later,” Ralph said, and was gone before Shanda could inquire about his visit.
“Wow, where did he come from and how do I get one?” Flora said, and Shanda laughed. “Actually, I’ve seen him around campus. He’s always with a large group of people.” Flora added.
“I just met him today. In Mr. Johnson’s class, actually. It was after I dropped a bunch of books; after literally running into him. Twice. He helped me pick them up. He was really nice about it.”
“You like him?” Flora said, with a solemn face.
Shanda shook her head. “Oh no. Not like that. Just as a friend.”
Flora seemed relieved. “That’s good. It’s good to know your way around first. You know, before getting involved with some of the boys around here. They can have some interesting motives.”
Shanda lost track of what her new friend was saying. She’d lost focus as soon as she’d lied to Flora about her feelings... She had felt more than a platonic ‘like’ for Ralph. Who wouldn’t? He was very attractive, with an arresting face, and a friendly manner that drew people to him. Didn’t Flora say he was always surrounded by people? She thought she’d heard her say so. That was what Shanda had observed about him, too. First during her tour with him, and then at the café. He seemed like the type of person who was friends with everyone.
Back in her room, Shanda pretended to read the notes she had written from her lectures, but her mind wandered until it settled on Ralph. As much as she wanted to avoid thinking of him, she couldn’t. Just like she couldn’t avoid people entering her world, even if she wasn’t welcoming of them.
Ralph followed through on his promise and came by two hours later, bearing a paper bag. In it were four beers. Shanda looked at him questioningly.
“Is this allowed in here?” she asked.
“Probably not, but who’s asking? I won’t tell if you don’t,” he said with a mischievous smile.
Shanda grinned back. She could use a beer after all she’d been through. She took the bag from Ralph and opened a beer. It was a cheap brand that she’d seen other poor college students drink, but she wasn’t in a position to be picky about it. She took a swig. She could taste the prominent bitterness as she drank it. She tried to avoid making a face, but she failed.
“Not much of a beer drinker, are you?” Ralph commented. He watched with light amusement as Shanda shook her head.
“No, I prefer wine, to be honest, but it’ll do for now.”
She liked the way Ralph seemed comfortable in her room. He looked much more comfortable in the space than she felt in it; folding his long legs on her bed and leaning his back against the wall. She wondered why he was in her room, with her, rather than with his many friends. She didn’t dwell on it as they started talking. He told her about his family, and Shanda, having tried so hard to keep her personal life a secret, to guard her past, found herself telling him about her parents.
“They are actually in the process of getting a divorce,” Shanda explained. “Anyway, me and mom left and came here. She’s living in town, and has a new job and apartment. We both wanted to be as far as possible from dad and his new girlfriend.”
She felt her tears well up in her eyes. The shame of living in the same small town as her father and his girlfriend was the factor that lead to Shanda and her mother’s departure... Her father was a lecturer in Great Western, and his girlfriend had been the new college secretary. The small-town gossip mill had spread the news far and wide. Everywhere Shanda and her mother went, people would whisper. The town knew everything, and that fact been just too much to bear on top of the fact that her family had been decimated. Shanda had impulsively gotten a transfer to St. Augustine, and helped her mom get a job in town in a marketing firm.
“I’m sorry. That is awful. None of that was your fault, or your mother’s fault. Don’t take it too hard,” Ralph soothed her with a soft voice and reached out to stroke her face.
Shanda had no idea later how it happened, but in the next minute, she was in Ralph’s arms, his lips on hers. Her nerves were electric, and there was a swell in her midsection. She felt herself melt into him as his tongue played around with her lips. After a while, their kisses were hunger-filled, and he became more probing. Shanda opened her mouth to let his tongue in.
He had wide shoulders and she wrapped her arms around his neck. He fell back into her single bed and pulled her on top of him. Shanda refused to think of what they were doing; instead, she focused on the warmth that spread throughout her body. His kisses did wonderful things to her. She felt as though an electric current had been lit in her mouth and was travelling over every inch of her skin, lighting fires she didn’t know existed.
A need deep inside her ached to be satisfied and she pulled Ralph closer to her. He responded by running his hands over her back, down her buttocks, and pressing her hips down. She felt his bulge against her thighs and it excited her even more, making her head spin with longing. Suddenly, Ralph flipped her to her back and he got on top of her. The tension built to a crescendo, the need to a climax. She hadn’t let go of herself in such a way for such a long time. All that existed was this. All that mattered in the span of her life was this second. Everything else was gone.
He turned his attention to her neck, planting little kisses as he slid down. He cupped both her breasts, and then pulled up her top to reveal her black bra. As he reached for the clasp, Shanda grabbed his hand. A dreadful feeling had come over her, and she had to stop him. She had to stop herself.
Shanda allowed herself to unwind from Ralph, from that moment. This wasn’t a rest. It was a full stop. She pushed him back gently. With a look of regret, he got off and sat down. They looked at each other sheepishly. Shanda opened her mouth to apologize for letting things get out of hand so quickly, but Ralph spoke before she could get a word out.
“Sorry, I couldn’t resist, you’re breathtakingly beautiful. Sexy.” Ralph murmured, his hands clasped between his knees. His head was down, but he looked at her from the corners of his eyes.
Shanda’s heart stopped breathing at that word. Beautiful? She had been told that she was pretty before, but never had a man described her as ‘beautiful.’ The words he’d spoken, and the tentative yet confident way he’d spoken them made her feel powerful and wanted. She moved closer to Ralph again and kissed him. He pulled her to his lap, and she sat astride him and they kissed again, her chest pressed tightly against his. His hands lifted her top again, and he kissed the parts of her breasts that were exposed, then he lifted them so that they were halfway out of her bra.
The feeling of his mouth on her nipples made Shanda want to explode. She could feel her blood rushing away from her head once more. She didn’t want to stop this time. Her body throbbed with need as he moved his mouth from one nipple to the other. Shanda grinded her pelvis against his. His hands reached behind her and unclipped her bra. Her breasts fell loose and he cupped both of them again. Still fondling them, he turned his mouth to hers and kissed her deeply.
Shanda had never wanted someone as much as she wanted Ralph at that moment. They fell back onto the bed, this time she was on top. She gently pinned each of his hands to her bed as she planted kisses on his neck, lifted his t-shirt and ran her hands down his hairy chest. Ralph groaned. She teased him with a series of kisses going all the way to the waist of his trousers. She placed her hand on the bulge of his jeans, and he arched himself up, taking his hands out from beneath hers and pulling her back on top of him. With Ralph’s help, she pulled down her jeans, until all she wore was her pair of black lacy panties.
Ralph’s intense black eyes were on her face, and he held it between his hands, which he then dropped to her shoulders, her waist, her hips, and back to her breasts. His fingertips ran through her, barely touching the surface of her skin, all the way to her thighs. Shanda found herself breathless with anticipation, as he touched the edges of her thighs and ran his hands over her panties.
She reached for his zipper and slowly pulled it open. His manhood sprung out and she ran her hands up and down its length. He pulled her to him and they kissed again, their midsections crushed against each other, but something had changed. Shanda felt the change in tempo. The tension had risen but had plateaued. He had cooled down; no longer desperate in the way he was touching her. She slid off from him and lay on the side facing him. Meanwhile, her body was throbbing with unsatisfied hunger.
“Is everything OK?” Shanda wondered aloud.
By now, darkness had settled in, and she could barely see his expression.
“Yes, I’m fine. You are so beautiful Shanda, I thought so immediately when I first saw you,” he said, his voice hoarse.
At the reminder that they had only met today for the first time, Shanda grew hot with shame. What sort of good girl was willing to sleep with a boy she had only just met? As if he knew what she was thinking, Ralph pulled her into a side hug and they sat that way for a while, with him cradling her. She was physically unsatisfied, but the way he held her did bring comfort. Shanda wondered what was on his mind. Would he still like her after this? Had she acted too rashly? Desperately?
The good thing was that they hadn’t gone too far; in fact, he had all his clothes on, other than an open zipper, Shanda told herself. Nothing had gone inside anyone. He gently pried himself from her, flicked on the bedside switch, and zipped up his jeans. Shanda reached for her trousers too and quickly put them on. Once again fully dressed, they sat side by side on the bed.
“I’m really attracted to you Shanda, but I can’t do this. It would be wrong,” he said.
“Why?” Shanda asked, baffled.
“I have a girlfriend,” Ralph confessed.
Shanda felt as if she had been slapped, and she was consumed with the urge to slap him. She held back from doing so, but anger at being an unwitting participant in a cheating situation enraged her. All blood drained from her body, and her abdomen dropped.