Ryan
The next six weeks just flew by and we were staring down the barrel at our six-month anniversary. Everything was going down the next day, the celebration, the show ending, everything. Six months earlier, if I’d have been asked how I’d feel on that day, I would have said something like relieved, and glad to get back to my life, but that was far from what I was feeling. Instead of happy and anxious to get home, reality was slapping me hard in the back of the head. Before we went out on that stage I wanted us to try to have a plan. We had flown by the seat of our pants every moment since we got here, and I didn’t want our last time on camera to be one of shock or heartbreak for either of us. I wanted to walk into it knowing what she was going to say and knowing what to expect, but I wasn’t really sure that was in the cards.
Miles had asked me over and over again if I had a plan, but I didn’t. I had put it off and put it off, continuing to think I had more than enough time to get to a comfortable place with my feelings. But here I was, the day before the big day with no better clue of what to say than before. Or maybe I did know, and I was just too afraid to be the one to admit it first. Either way I was clammed up, and I needed to relax in order to really think about the options. We spent the day swimming, relaxing and watching movies. It was the perfect last day at such a beautiful house, and it made me almost sad to be leaving. I had got used to it, and I could feel the memories we made in the walls. That alone should have showed me exactly what I was supposed to do, but it didn’t, it didn’t make it easier in the least.
We really had two options — stay married, or go our separate ways, mailing the other one divorce papers and just moving on with our lives. Both decisions put a lump of fear in my throat, both fearful that I couldn’t make a marriage work, and worried I would lose her and regret it the rest of my life. Whatever decision I made though, we did have something to celebrate. We had made it to the end, and we had done it together. Every step of the way we had looked to each other for guidance and answers. Any time there was a fight or argument it had stemmed from someone else’s interference, but in the end, it was the two of us who had made the whole venture possible and successful.
The next day we would walk out and be handed a check for one million dollars — five hundred thousand for each of us. I could start my new shops, and she could figure out what her dreams were, especially since the money no longer had to be spent on her mother’s hospital bills. Part of me was curious as to what kind of damage we could do in the world, hand in hand with a million dollars in the bank. It was hard to imagine, especially since we had spent the first six months of our relationship in a beautiful home with no real worries of everyday life, tucked away from most everyone in the world and having nearly everything planned for us. I wondered if our relationship would be that fantastic once we faced the real world again with bills and jobs, responsibilities that we had to handle, and two lives we would have to systematically push together. Who knew if she was as neat in her own home as she’d been here? Who knew if my bachelor pad would piss her off to no end? The reality of it was we didn’t know any of that kind of thing, and if we chose to forge on ahead together, it would be out of pure belief that fate had orchestrated the crossing of our paths, and that we are destined to be together.
“Hey,” I called out from the beach chair by the pool. “You hungry? It’s about dinner time.”
“I’m starving,” she said, bobbing up and down in the water.
“Why don’t we go out to dinner, since it’s our last night,” I replied.
She swam to the edge of the pool and I handed her a towel to wipe her face on. She smiled up at me, the sunlight glistening off her beautiful dark hair. I sat back and watched as she waded to the steps and climbed out, the water rolling down her firm skin. She was so sexy, and even six months later, I still couldn’t seem to get enough of her.
“I’m gonna rinse off really quick, then throw something on and we can go,” she smiled.
“Okay,” I replied, leaning my head up as she kissed my lips.
While she was in the shower I rinsed off in the other bathroom and put on a pair of khaki shorts and a blue button-up shirt. I looked in the mirror at myself, wondering if I would go back to my normal mechanic uniform when I got home. I kind of liked not being a grease monkey all the time. I spritzed on some cologne and turned as she walked out of the bathroom, her hair cascading around her shoulders, her cheeks pink from the sun. She wore a little red sundress with flip-flops. I smiled and walked over, bringing her in close and kissing her lightly on the lips.
We headed out to a quiet bistro in town and took a table in the back corner. I ordered a bottle of wine and some appetizers, then we sat there looking across at each other. We started out by reminiscing over the last six months, and all that we had been through. Still, neither of us was bold enough to admit our feelings for the other. When the conversation reached that final day, those final hours together, we both got quiet, staring down at the glasses of wine in front of us. She took a deep breath and looked up at me, reaching across and taking my hand.
“What do you want to do now that we’ve reached the end of the show?” she asked. “We really only have two choices, and both are hard to really understand since this last six months makes up the entirety of our relationship.”
“Honestly I’m not sure,” I said. “I’ve thought about it for a long time. I’ve mulled over it, and reached a conclusion, only to change my mind. It is very confusing. You have to know that I care about you very much — that is without question. Do you know what you want to do?”
“I care about you, too,” she smiled. “And this has been on my mind constantly, especially the last few days. Really long before that even, probably as far back as the surgery. My mom asks me about it, but I find I don’t fully know what to say — even to her.”
Nodding my head, I tried to find the words that were right there. It was easy to think about when I was alone, but when she was right there in front of me, the reality of the decision hit me like a ton of bricks. She was so beautiful, so sweet, and really everything I ever thought I would want in a woman. But that was just it. I’d never even thought about the possibility of a long-term relationship until I met her. She had changed so many things about me, without me even knowing it was happening. I now saw the world differently, and family. For the past six months I’d not given any other woman another thought. Nor did I ever consider all the sex and other escapades with Miles I’d been missing, had I remained in Indiana. None of that seemed to matter while I was here with Mira, and I didn’t know if that would change if I left the next day. I didn’t know if I could move on without her, but at the same time, moving forward together was terrifying as well.
She shrugged her shoulders and sighed. “I never thought for a moment it would be this difficult.”
“I know. I didn’t either,” I said, quietly moving the food around on my plate.
There was a feeling in my gut telling me that it was my head that was screwing this whole thing up. I had this feeling that if I cleared it, if I really let go, I would know exactly how I felt. But why couldn’t I take that and translate it into words? For some reason I was finding it hard to talk about my feelings. I could talk about everything else with her, anything really, but when it came to my feelings it was like the walls came slamming down. Looking across the table from her, watching her take small bites of her food, I wondered if she was having the same struggle I was.
One of the things that had attracted me to Mira in the beginning was her decisiveness and her stout determination to stick with her choices. She always knew how she felt, what her opinion was, and where she wanted to go with things. Because that was so strong in her, a defining characteristic really, I had a tough time believing that she really didn’t know how she felt about me. I was almost certain that the same vise grip that constricted my voice, had a grip on hers as well. With something as important as what we wanted to do with the rest of our lives, I found it difficult to think she was so nonchalant about it. Maybe it was me holding her back, the fear that she would speak, and I wouldn’t feel the same way, but that was also one of my fears and it had led us straight into a wall of non-communication.
I could be the guy to step forward, the one to lay it all on the line, but I was terrified. I didn’t know what to expect, and I had never felt the sting of heartbreak before. I didn’t want to go home depressed after hearing that she didn’t want me, after opening my heart and spilling out my feelings.
We ate dinner, changing the subject but not really talking that much. We speculated on what the finale would be like, certain that with Evelyn in charge, there would no doubt be surprises in store for us. When we were finished, I paid the bill and we headed home. We were both quiet in the car, though it wasn’t awkward or uncomfortable. It was more of a contemplative quiet. The whole time, though, it seemed I could feel her wanting to say something to me, but she wouldn’t, or couldn’t.
When we got into the house I grabbed a bottle of wine and held it up, raising my eyebrows. She smiled and nodded her head, walking over and grabbing two wine glasses. I poured us each a drink and we stood at the kitchen island, drinking our wine and looking around awkwardly.
“Thank you for dinner,” she said, sweetly. “It was really nice for our last evening together here. I’m glad I didn’t have to cook, that’s for sure.”
“I like your cooking,” I smiled.
We both chuckled and continued sipping the wine. I was nervous, even more than I had been six months ago, as I stood in front of strangers, waiting for her to walk down the aisle, anxious to see her face for the first time. I didn’t know why I was so nervous, maybe it was the not knowing that had me all tied up in knots. Mira fiddled with her hands and I wondered if she was feeling the same way. We had a lot of things to decide, and one way or another, the next day would bring us the answers we had both been waiting for.