Chapter Eleven
I walked back into the house feeling sick to my stomach. The tears were fresh in my eyes. I could barely breathe and I didn’t even know what to think or feel. I felt like an idiot for even being upset. What did I have to be upset about? Henry didn’t owe me anything. He hadn’t even lied to me. He hadn’t done anything to me that he shouldn’t have. He hadn’t betrayed me. He’d made me no promises. Yet, I just wanted to collapse into tears and sob my heart out. I wanted to scream at him. Wanted to punch him in the chest. Wanted to ask him how he could hurt me like that. I wanted to know just who Claudia was? I wanted to stop the incredible jealousy and heartache I felt in my body every time I thought of them together. The words he’d said to her. He loved her. He loved her. He didn’t even particularly like me. Definitely didn’t love me. I didn’t know why I was putting myself in this situation.
“Is that you, Lacey?” Eliza headed toward the front door as I walked in.
“Yup, it’s me,” I said, closing the door behind me slowly, so that she couldn’t study my face. I didn’t want her to see that I’d been crying. I knew I’d gotten what I deserved. I shouldn’t have slept with him. I shouldn’t have gotten into this mess in the first place. I should have known better. “I should have known better,” I muttered to myself.
“What?” Eliza asked as she stepped toward me.
“Nothing,” I said, not looking at her, no longer wanting to talk about what had happened.
“Did you have a good night?” she asked as she followed me down the corridor. “I thought I heard you coming in late last night, but then when I went to your room this morning you were gone.”
“It was fine,” I said, feeling none of the fun and excitement that I had the night before. All of my joy had gone.
“Just fine?” She followed me into my bedroom and I finally decided to turn around and look at her.
“Just fine.” I nodded as I gazed at her concerned look. “He was amazing. And yes, I slept with him.” I sighed, knowing she wouldn’t judge me, but feeling a little easy.
“How was it?”
“I don’t think there are words that can describe the way I felt when I was with him.” I gave her a small smile. “I don’t know that I even want to try and find the words.”
“That good, huh?”
“Even better.” I gave her a weak smile.
“So why are you so sad?” She frowned as she walked over to me. “What’s wrong?”
“He has someone else.” I collapsed back onto my bed, not wanting to stand anymore. The energy felt like it had been zapped from me and I didn’t want to have to pretend I was okay anymore.
“What do you mean he has someone else?” She made a face. “I mean, I wouldn’t be surprised, but how do you know? Did he tell you? And if he did, why would he do that?”
“He didn’t exactly tell me.” I made a face back at her and sighed. “I mean, he’s told me not to fall in love with him already. And it’s not like he’s my boyfriend, but I didn’t know he would have other women.”
“What other women?” Eliza came and sat down next to me.
“Oh man, this is a bit embarrassing.” I looked at her and giggled slightly, out of nervousness. “Okay, this is going to make me look bad, but you will not believe what I did this morning.” I settled back on the bed and proceeded to tell her everything that had happened the night before and that morning.
***
The funny part about life is that no matter how badly you want something to be true, you can’t make it be true. No matter how badly you want someone to feel something for you, you can’t make them feel something for you.
When it hurts like it does now, all I want to do is sleep. All I want to do is curl up under the covers, close my eyes and pretend that everything is okay. Or at least doesn’t matter. I don’t want to feel anymore. I don’t want him in my heart, in my thoughts, in my mind. I don’t want him taking over everything. Like he always does. Since I’ve met him, Henry has completely taken over my life and my mind. As I sat there listening to Eliza try and help me I knew that without a doubt, I’d gone and done the stupidest thing. I’d gone and fallen in love with him.
You know the scariest thing about love? It’s not the depth of emotion or the fear that it may end. It’s not the pangs and the heartache. Or the pitter-patter of joy whenever you see the person. The scariest thing about love is the knowing that one person means more to you than you mean to yourself. It’s knowing that one person controls your heart and soul and can do with it what they want. It’s knowing that they live inside of you and that each breath you take is for them. For one more glimpse of their face, one more touch of their hands, one more kiss from their lips, one more whisper from their mouth, one more smile from their eyes. Love, true love, is knowing that all control has been taken from you. The birds in the sky may still sing, but their melody means nothing if your love is not near. That’s the scariest thing. The most precious thing. I curled up in a ball as the weight of my feelings hit me.
The tears ran down my face as the realization of everything ran through my veins. I was lying to myself. I wasn’t just hoping that he would change and fall in love with me. I wasn’t just praying and wishing on stars. A part of me actually believed it was inevitable. And that was the scariest part. A part of me believed that he loved me as I loved him. And I knew, from the depths of everything inside of me that I was wrong. I knew that no matter how badly I wanted him, he would never be truly mine and that killed me. What do you do when your heart doesn’t want to know the truth? How do you handle that?
“Oh Lacey, don’t cry.” Eliza put her arms around me and held me. “You really don’t know who this Claudia is. She could be his sister.”
“She’s not his sister,” I blurted out through my tears. “Who is engaged to their sister?” My voice caught and I wanted to scream at myself. “I don’t understand why I’ve fallen for him so quickly. We only had sex once.”
“Lacey, you’ve been falling for him,” Eliza said. “We both know you fall quickly and this guy, well, he’s really swept you off of your feet.”
“I’m an idiot.” I sighed. “Why me?”
“Lacey, listen to yourself.” Eliza growled. “You’re stronger than this. Don’t let him get you down. Remember you were doing this for your book.”
“I don’t even care about the book anymore,” I said pathetically. “Oh my God, I really suck, don’t I?”
“Don’t say that. You could never suck. You’re an amazing girl, Lacey.”
“Really?” I laughed through my tears. “What about me is amazing? I’m a hot mess.” I shook my head and sat up. “I’ve fallen for a guy that I barely know.”
“It happens to the best of us.”
“After he told me to not fall for him.” I shook my head again. “Let’s be real here. There aren’t many fools bigger than me.”
“Stop.” Eliza glared at me. “You’re getting on my nerves. You’re not a fool. Maybe you just need to forget him.”
“Easier said than done.” I collapsed back onto the bed dramatically.
“If he’s not the one and this is too hard for you, then maybe just stop talking to him.”
“I couldn’t do that,” I said, panicking at the thought of never seeing him again. “I mean, what would he think?”
“Who cares?” She glared at me.
“I still need to—”
“Ugh, Lacey.” She cut me off. “You’re not going to stop talking to him are you?”
“No,” I squeaked out.
“Then you know what you have to do,” she said with a thoughtful expression on her face.
“What?”
“You need to find someone else.”
“Waaaa? Waaa?” I said, my words indecipherable. “I mean what?” I giggled.
“You need a new man, so you’re not just focused on Henry and maybe then he’ll also see you have options and not take you for granted.”
“Where am I supposed to find another man?”
“Uhm, go to a bar, online dating, sports games?” Eliza said with a shrug. “There are ways. You just need to keep your mind occupied. I’m worried about you.”
“Because my heart is breaking?”
“No.” She rolled her eyes at me. “I’m worried because you’re being overly dramatic and I know you, you’re going to get even more invested and it’s not going to go well.”
“Well thanks.” I stuck my tongue out at her.
“Lacey, I’m not trying to be mean, but…” She paused as I stared at her and then shook her head. “Anyways, try meeting some new guys and we’ll see what happens.”
“Hmm, I guess I can try.” I made a face at her and then froze as I felt my phone vibrating. I grabbed it and looked down at the screen. “It’s Henry,” I said excitedly. “Ooh, it’s Henry.”
“Don’t answer it,” Eliza said as I pressed the green button. She rolled her eyes at me as I spoke into the phone.
“Hello,” I said, trying to sound casual and not as if I’d just been sobbing over him.
“Lacey,” his voice was a silky drawl and I melted as the sound poured into my ear.
“Hey, Henry,” I said, unable to stop the happy tone in my voice. Why oh why was I already so attached to this man?
“What are you doing?” he asked softly.
“Just hanging out with, Eliza. Why?”
“I was thinking about you,” he said. “Everything okay?”
“Why wouldn’t it be?”
“You left so abruptly last night. I wanted to make sure that everything was okay between us. That you didn’t regret last night.”
“I’m fine,” I said softly as my brain screamed at me. Ask him about Claudia. Ask him about Claudia. Of course, I knew I couldn’t do that.
“Can I see you tonight?”
“Tonight?” I asked surprised.
“Yeah, do you have plans or something?”
“Uhm…” I paused as I watched Eliza shaking her head and mouthing something to me. “Sorry, hold on one second.” I looked at Eliza as I covered the mouthpiece. “What?” I whispered.
“Do not meet up with him tonight,” she whispered back. “You cannot be so available to him.”
“Why not?” I asked, knowing I sounded even more pathetic. “I want to see him.”
“Lacey, listen to me. Do not see him tonight. Please.” She widened her eyes at me. “I’m your best friend and I know best. Trust me.”
“Fine.” I made a face at her. “Hey sorry about that, Henry.”
“Everything okay?”
“Yeah, I’m fine, but unfortunately I can’t see you tonight. I have plans.”
“You do?” His voice sounded taken aback. “I see.”
“Yeah, sorry about that.”
“May I ask what you’re doing?”
“You may ask, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to tell you,” I joked and all I could hear was silence on the other end of the phone. Had he not appreciated my joke?
“A date?” He sounded slightly jealous and I could feel a smile spreading across my face.
“Do you really want to know?” I asked him softly. “Aren’t these questions contrary to our agreement?”
“Not really contrary to our agreement.” He sounded annoyed. “But sure, if you don’t want to say.”
“I don’t,” I said stubbornly.
“Can I see you tomorrow?”
“Night?”
“No.” He paused. “Come to my office in the day. I want to talk to you about something.”
“What?”
“It’s better for us to talk about it in person.”
“So cryptic.” I sighed. “Fine. What time?”
“Eleven o’clock? Then we can go to lunch.”
“Sure, that’s fine.”
“Well, I’ll let you go and get ready for your date,” he said, his voice still sounding slightly annoyed and I grinned at Eliza.
“Okay, thanks. Bye.” I hung up quickly and jumped off of the bed and danced around slightly. I could see Eliza looking at me like I was crazy, but all of a sudden I was in a really good mood. “Go and get your bag,” I said to Eliza. “I’m taking you out to eat.”
“Oh?” She looked at me with a confused look.
“Oh, yeah baby.” I grinned at her. “Looks like my day just turned around.” I could feel the happiness swelling in my belly and even though it was a good feeling, I knew that it in fact was a bad sign. The fact that Henry could determine my emotions so swiftly and easily was not a good thing. I was way too attached to him already. And with every up would come a down, I knew that; yet, I was unable to stop myself from continuing to go down this path with him. I was already too invested in seeing what was going to happen. Even if, all signs pointed to the ending being one hot mess for me.
***
“Isn’t it funny how easy it is to be dramatic?” I asked Eliza as we walked into the restaurant.
“What do you mean?” She gave me a look as the server walked over to us and I started laughing.
“Don’t worry. I’m not about to start getting all dramatic again or anything.” I grinned at her. “I was just thinking how easy it is for me to feel so up and so down within the space of a few hours and how the downs feel so slow. Sometimes I wonder if I’m bipolar.”
“You don’t have bipolar disorder, Lacey.” Eliza gave me a half-smile and I giggled again.
“I know that.” I made a face at her.
“Not that it’s not a serious disease or anything,” she said quickly. “Mental health is really important and I’m no shrink or anything, but I’m pretty sure you aren’t bipolar.”
“I have Henrypolar.” I cracked a joke and she laughed as we sat down.
“You’re in a good mood.” She looked at me curiously. “Dare I ask why? Or don’t tell me. This isn’t because Henry called you and wanted to see you tonight?”
“You can ask. I don’t know if I should say.” I made a face at her. I knew it was unreasonable to be so happy just because he wanted to see me. Especially as he most probably only wanted to see me for sex. Though I was going to pretend to myself that that wasn’t the case. I was going to pretend it was for something more. Maybe after dealing with Claudia, he had started to realize how much better I was than her. Yeah, right!
“Oh God, I’m not going to want to hear this, am I?” Eliza gave me one of her looks.
“Maybe?” I opened the menu and grinned as I felt my phone vibrating in my pocket. “But most probably not.”
“Is it Henry related?”
I bit down on my lower lip and wiggled by eyebrows at her in response. “That’s a bit of a stupid question, Eliza, seeing as I’m pretty sure you know the answer.”
“Ugh.” She groaned as she shook her head. “Why, Lacey? Just tell me why?”
“Because he’s fun. And cute. And sexy. And dynamite in bed.”
“Lacey.” She pretended to throw up.
“What?” I laughed as I reached for my phone. “You asked.”
“I ask many things and you never always answer me. Feel free not to tell me about how great the sex with Henry is when I’ve been with you just this morning after you’ve been crying due to the good sex you had with him.”
“You know why I cried and it’s not because of the sex.”
“Hmmm, I’d say the sex is a main part.” Eliza gave me a look. “Maybe not the sex act itself, but how it ends up making you feel.”
“That’s got nothing to do with Henry.”
“He’s not wanting anything, but sex, Lacey,” she said softly.
“That’s not his fault though.” I found myself defending him, even though I knew she was just looking out for me. It’s funny how human beings will always defend someone they care about, no matter how bad that person is, no matter how many wrongs they’ve done to you. Once you love someone it’s very hard to see them from another light. Well, that’s not quite true. It isn’t hard to see, more like it’s hard to acknowledge and so easy to make excuses for them. I didn’t really have any good excuses for Henry, asides from the fact that it wasn’t his fault that I’d fallen in love with him.
Something in me told me he was my one. Even though I knew he was the last person I should have fallen for. I mean, he’d even told me not to fall for him. But who was I to stop fate?
“No, it’s not his fault. He did tell you what he wanted, but really, Lacey—”
“What? I cut her off. “Really, what?”
“Nothing.” She looked down at her menu. “Let’s order.”
“You think I’m crazy, don’t you?”
“No, I think you’re in love.” She sighed. “I don’t know how you’re in love this quickly, but I suppose there are many of us that fall quickly.” She shrugged. “You’re my best friend. I don’t want you to get hurt, but you have to do what’s best for you.”
“I take it you don’t think he’s what’s best for me?”
“Do you?” She gave me a poignant look and I felt my heart sinking. Life’s funny that way, isn’t it? Even when you fool yourself into thinking you’re being smart or living your life in a way that’s okay, your conscience always pricks you and reminds you that hey, maybe you’re really not being the smartest you that you could be. That stings, it really does. When you even doubt yourself. I don’t know what that says about a person. When they keep going for something that they know is very unlikely to happen. I guess that’s the beauty of it all. The allure. The hard to reach items are always the ones we want more, crave the most, desire; I knew Henry was out of my league in more ways than one, and that everything about my situation with him was complex, but that didn’t stop me from wanting him. In fact, it made me want him even more.