I wake to strong arms snaked around my waist. “Wake up love,” Grayson says as he pulls me into him. I turn in his arms and study his face, desperate for any indication that things are going to be okay. Sadness reflects in the depths of cerulean iridescence and I know that any hope of that is lost. He kisses my forehead in the gentle manner he does to inspire comfort, but his attempt is futile. Just give it to me straight.
“What did they say?” I ask. My throat and sinuses are clogged from all the crying.
“It’s not good. They have pictures of you visiting Hotel Bel-Air as well as the Four Seasons along with more pictures of me coming and going. That could have possibly been explained as a coincidence, but more photos were produced of you getting into my car when we were heading to San Francisco and some recent pictures of you here.” What the fuck? “Someone has been watching us for a long time baby, gathering evidence. They want to see you by today or they are going to expel you. Apparently, they’ve sent you an email and regular mail requesting a conference. They weren’t fooled by the sudden sickness. I’m so sorry sweetheart.” He makes a move to get out of the bed, but I hold on to him.
“Please Grayson. Just hold me,” I plead. My world feels unsteady under me and I need him to tell me that we’re going to be okay.
He pulls me further into his embrace, but his anguished face belies the remorse that he is feeling. “I’m so sorry I dragged you into this. God damn it,” he booms. He rolls onto his back and he runs his hands through his hair. “Just tell them the truth. I came onto to you at the club. I had to have you. I suggested the arrangement.” It hurts that he can’t see our equality in this.
“Did you tell them about our initial arrangement?”
“No, but I think you should. It will show that I’m a perverted fuck that wanted to use you for sex. Your naivety worked in my favor to use your lust for me against you.” He jumps out of the bed now and I can’t hold him.
“Is that how you feel?” I ask—voice trembling.
“Yes,” he answers simply, but he won’t turn and look at me. My heart slams against my chest at his deleterious words. Why is he trying to hurt me? I can’t be here right now. I’m about to break. I slide from the bed, but he walks out of the room. Fuck him! I quickly dress in the clothes that I came in yesterday that are folded in a chair in the corner. I don’t know where my overnight bag is and I don’t care. I’m getting the fuck away from here. So he’s hurting, I get that, but I am too. I don’t want to call Jordan, but I’ll be damned if I let him or his driver take me anywhere.
I don’t know the address here, so I’ll get it once I step outside. I can call a cab once I know where the hell I am. I storm out of the room, intent on not looking his way. I don’t make it two feet before Grayson is in my path, blocking the door. “Siobhan wait,” he pleads.
“Fuck you, you insensitive son of a bitch. You think you’re the only one hurting and upset? You think you can bump me back down to the status of your casual fuck? If that’s the case, you’re fucking delusional,” I scream. I’m past irate. The f-bombs are a testament to my fury. Grayson charges me and picks me up like I’m weightless.
“You can’t leave me. I’m so sorry. I’m losing my mind because I can’t let my indiscretions touch you.” He pins me against the wall and buries his head against my neck.
“Well, I’m glad you can sum up our relationship as one big indiscretion. Let me make it easy for you,” I hiss.
“No. Shit! I’m not explaining this right. Going into this, I admit… the attraction was purely sexual. I needed to conquer you the same way you wanted to use me as your rebound fuck to get over Liam. I didn’t expect and I damn sure wasn’t prepared for the feelings that you inspired in me. I never expected to fall in love Siobhan. You have to believe me. You have to know what I said in the room before is not how I currently feel.”
He looks up at me and his breath caresses my lips. “I need you to tell them I pursued you baby. I will handle it from there. I’ve already told them as much, but I need you to confirm my account of how we met and got involved. I will make this go away, but in order to do that, I can’t have you trying to save me.” I nod in agreement, but I know that won’t be the case. He wants me to tell the truth and that is exactly what the dean is going to hear. “Please forgive me. I can’t lose you. I’m not upset with you—just myself for not being more cautious for us both. Maybe I shouldn’t have gotten involved with you because you were my student, but I’m a selfish bastard.”
“If you want me to forgive you, you have to stop with this ‘it’s all my fault’ crap. We both chose to ignore the no fraternization policy for our own self-serving purposes. You didn’t act alone. I wanted that arrangement as much as you did, regardless how it originally regressed.” He stares into my eyes before bringing his face even closer to mine.
“Okay.” That’s it. He doesn’t argue with me. Instead, he captures my lips in a kiss so tender. It is though he trying to express all of his remaining feelings in this one kiss—the pain, the remorse, and maybe even regret. He says that he is going to fix this and I hope that he actually can.
My heart rate quickens as I climb the steps leading to the office of the dean. Grayson had his driver take me home because he had to head back into the office. Neither one of us thought it would be wise for me to show up to the campus in a limo. I told him that I would borrow Jordan’s car instead. She wanted to come with me, but I told her I doubt they would let her come in so I would just see her when I got back. Now as I get closer to the dean’s office, I’m scared shitless. I knock on the door, waiting to enter my very definition of hell. Dr. Geer tells me to come in and take a seat. He is straightforward in his approach. He summarizes that I’m being accused of fraternization with a professor during which time I was his student.
“What is your response to this charge Ms. Gallagher?” His stern face has me on edge.
“I admit that I was in a relationship with my professor.”
“Was? Do you deny that you are currently still involved?” Shit, Grayson didn’t tell me how he answered this. His statement of ‘just tell the truth,’ comes to the forefront. If I lie, I may contradict what he has already shared and ruin everything. I have no choice, but to be honest as he instructed.
“No. We are still involved.” I fidget with the piece of fuzz on my jeans, hoping I’m not digging us in a deeper hole.
“Were you aware of our ‘no fraternization policy’ at the time you got involved with professor Michaels?”
“Yes sir.”
“I need you to expand on that. Explain why you chose to enter a relationship that was against policy and risk your future here at our university?” He might as well have punched me in the gut. His eyes narrow as he leans forward in his seat. Do I share my true frame of mind that had me to act out of character? It may be personally too much to share, but I want him to see that I wasn’t some skank just out to bang any professor.
“Honestly?” I begin.
“Is there another alternative? Do you wish to deceive me?” He arches an eyebrow at me in question.
“No sir,” I swallow.
“Good. I thought we were off to a good start, honesty wise, so let’s keep at it. Continue.” I start from my break up Liam and how distraught I was. I explain how I just wanted to feel numb, that I was desperate to make the pain go away. Grayson was attractive and actually caused a spark within me. This momentary distraction helped divert my thoughts away from Liam. I needed more. I was willing to be in a casual relationship with Grayson because I wasn’t looking for another committed relationship. Liam had tainted my perception of love’s existence. I didn’t care that he was my professor. I just craved that feeling he ignited in me that made my break up with Liam hurt a little less.
“Who initiated the ‘casual arrangement?’” he asks making air quotes. “Did he approach you?” He eyes me with obvious disgust as he leans back in his chair and begin to rub the stubble on his chin. I can only image what he must think of me, but I must press forward. My knees bounce on their own accord as I continue my recollection of my first run in with Grayson outside of school.
“We had run into each other a couple times because his stepsister, Bailey, is good friends with my best friend. She hosted a pool party at her parents’ house and this was my first run in with Gray… I mean professor Michaels, outside of school. I think the attraction was mutual, but we didn’t act on it. We went on to see each other again at one of his family gatherings, but it wasn’t until we saw each other at Bailey’s birthday party that we finally gave in.” I feel like I’m over sharing, but I can’t stop. I need him to see the picture clearly of how things between Grayson and I evolved. I will not let him think that Grayson was just some pervert professor who coerced me into sleeping with him. I share how he came over that night to apologize for hurting my feelings after pushing me away. He was trying to do the right thing. Grayson explained how hard it was to stay away from me and that ultimately the choice was mine to make. I went to him the next day—sober and willing. Had I not gone to his hotel, there would’ve never been any escalation or further pursuit on his behalf. Dr. Geer just nods his head at the appropriate times, but I can’t get a read on what he’s thinking. His brows knit together in disapproval and I feel that I may be making things worse. I gnaw at my bottom lip and dig my nails into my palms as true fear begins to grip me.
“Did he ever share test material with you outside the classroom or other assignments?” His eyes narrow in on me as he watches for any sign of deception.
I was waiting for that accusation to rear its ugly head and there it is. I shake my head vehemently at the absurdness of his question. “Absolutely not! If anything, he was harder on me.”
“How so?” he inquires. I tell him about the time that I showed up to class late and how I was reprimanded. He never allowed me to feel as though I was exempt from the rules because of our relationship. I also share that Donovan proctored all of our exams. He asks have I ever been in a relationship with any other professor and I tell him no. Has he been listening? “So what do you think your punishment should be for purposefully breaking the rules? What would you do if you were in my position?” He gets up and walks around his desk and takes a seat on the edge. He is less than two feet from me now and the proximity causes a small bead of sweat to form along my temple. His cold eyes are piercing as he stares down at me—no doubt to intimidate me. How in the fuck am I supposed to answer that question? I don’t want to make light of the situation by offering a suggestion that is not comparable to my offense, but I’m sure as hell not going to give him any ideas to make me pay the ultimate price.
“I don’t know, sir,” I answer begrudgingly. He leans forward even more until he is merely inches from my face. I swallow the lump in my throat. He is toying with me now— enjoying my discomfort.
“Hmmm,” he murmurs. “That answer just tells me that you gave little consideration to the consequences during your quest for…” He pauses for maximum effect. “What did you call it again? Sexual healing?” He stares at me intently and I struggle not to break eye contact. That is not what I called it, asshole. I don’t dignify his rhetorical question with a reply. Instead I continue to look him in the eye while my knees bounce double time now. He arches a questioning eyebrow before leaning back to the edge of the desk and out of my personal space. He tells me that he only has one last question for me and I almost breathe a sigh of relief. I should have known from the way the statement was posed that this last question would be the ultimate mind fuck.
“Are you willing to walk away from Professor Michaels now if it means the difference between your tenure and expulsion?” Holy hell. I’ve been answering all of his questions as honestly as I can until now. He senses my hesitation and pounces on it. “Let me rephrase the question Ms. Gallagher. Are you willing to throw away your academic standing for Grayson?” Somehow his use of Grayson’s name and not as my professor, acts to bring my current situation to present tense— no longer speaking of last semester. Is he really giving me a choice to continue my last remaining months so that I can graduate after his performance of intimidation? His question is a legit one and I can’t believe I let love cloud this consideration up to this point.
The answer to his question should be a no brainer, but my heart aches at the thought of being away from Grayson. The responsible choice is clear. I can’t throw away all that I’ve worked for away nor can I disappoint my mother. She has invested and sacrificed so much so that I could get a good education. Fuck my life. Love is not volatile…life is.
“I would choose my education,” I answer. My lips quiver and tears sting behind my eyes. I just need to hold it together for a little longer. I can’t let Dr. Greer see how much that decision would be like ripping my own heart out. He stares at me with uncertainty.
“I appreciate your honesty here today, Ms. Gallagher. There will be an investigation to confirm that you earned the grade that you were given and have no past indiscretions,” he says coldly. There goes that fucking word again.
“Yes, sir,” I quip.
“After reviewing your student records, I did see that you have maintained stellar grades. However, I can’t tell you anything at this point. I will meet with the discipline committee after the investigation is complete and we will make a decision at that time on the appropriate course of action.”
“Yes sir, I understand.” He dismisses me with a wave of his hand and I can’t get out of the door fast enough. Although his last question was a reality check, I still don’t have a clue how the hell this is all going to play out. I’m just glad to get the hell out that office and away from his scrutiny.
I refuse to lose Grayson and still be kicked out on my ass. My mind is reeling with various scenarios on how this could possibly play out. What is the worst that could happen if the committee decides to punish me? Surely they can’t eradicate my entire transcript of classes— maybe just the class I took from Grayson. If they expel me now, I will fail my courses that I’m enrolled in now and that will tank my hard earned GPA. Not to mention, I won’t graduate on time. I would have to transfer whatever classes are transferable and spend more money retaking the classes that are not. I’d probably have a black mark against my name. Would another university accept me? I would have to move back home and be away from Grayson. Dr. Greer intentionally made that meeting about my role in this and left Grayson’s potential punishment out of the discussion. I know he will have to face his own firing squad… hopefully not literally being fired. Would I lose him in the end anyway? Negative outcomes plague my thoughts. I just need to see him. I won’t give him up for anything.
If I’m forced to make that choice, I will just have to endure the few months left until graduation. In the meantime, I will spend all the time with him that I can until a decision is made. I decide to head to Grayson’s office. I call Jordan on the drive over to fill her in on the meeting with the dean. Her concern permeates through the phone.
“What if they’re watching you? What if how you proceed with Grayson is part of the investigation? What if Dr. Greer was trying to warn you?” All the what-ifs.
“I hope not Jordan because I refuse to lose both Grayson and my academic standing. I will make the right choice if one is actually given to me.”